Curious and Creative

Category: Regret

  • What Do Your Regret Most?

    October 9, 2025

    Do you look back at your life and ask if there was something that you could have done differently? Do you carry that guilt with you?

    This week’s post focuses on moral regret, which is the third of the four core regrets that Daniel H. Pink defined in his book, Power of Regret. Moral regrets tend to ache the more and last the longest wrote Pink.

    Pink and his team surveyed 4500 Americans to collect their attitudes about regret. They also launched a survey to collect regrets from the world. Pink’s team collected more than sixteen thousand regrets from people in 105 countries.

    During his research, Pink noticed a trend as he and his team sorted through thousands of self-reported regrets. The moral transgressions that people regret, he says, read “like the production notes for a Ten Commandments training video.”

    Most of us want to be good people. Yet, we often face challenges or choices that tempt us to take the low road, wrote Pink.

    Interestingly, moral regrets accounted for just ten percent of the responses that Pink and his team received. Pink wrote that guilt is different from regret, but also a subset of moral regret, and is usually about something we have done, rather than what we failed to do.

    Five most common moral regrets:

    • Harm to others: actions that cause pain or suffering to others such as bullying or betrayal.
    • Cheating: Engaging in dishonest behavior, whether in personal relationships or competitive situations.
    • Disloyalty: Failing to support friends or family members when they need it most.
    • Subversion: Disrespecting authority figures or violating societal norms.
    • Desecration: Actions that violate deeply held beliefs or values, such as abortion or other moral transgressions.

    The Critical Thought Lab writer Simon Crawford-Welch wrote “moral regrets often feel like a heavy weight in your chest—a sense of shame or guilt that does not easily fade.”

     If you find yourself thinking, I wish I had done the right thing, you are confronting a moral regret.

    Yesel Yoon, a clinical psychologist wrote in Psychology Today, said that striving to avoid regrets entirely might cause us to miss important opportunities to gain experience and grow. However, it is not good to ruminate on regrets that we may have either.

    “Be cautious about letting regrets linger,” wrote Yoon. Additionally, when we allow them to go unprocessed, they can have negative consequences, such as depression, anxiety, self-doubt, indecision, and avoidance of opportunities.

    Use regret as a guide wrote Yoon.

    Crawford-Welch also noted that moral regrets can highlight your desire to be a good person. You can use moral regrets as a guidepost to clarify your values and strengthen your commitment to living with integrity.

    Yoon wrote it is important to learn from the past, not be stuck in the past.

    • Reflect on the past. What do you wish you had done differently?
    • Why do you regret taking the action that you did?
    • What could you differently today?
    • Imagine you have taken new steps, how would you feel?

    Additionally, Crawford-Welch suggested that you ask yourself, “what is this regret teaching me? Instead of saying to yourself, ‘I failed,’ shift to ‘I grew from this experience.’ ”

    Most importantly, practice self-compassion.

    Resources:

    Image retrieved on 10/9/2025 from <a href=”https://www.freepik.com/free-vector/hand-drawn-flat-design-shrug-illustration_24195966.htm”>Image by freepik</a>

    Crawford-Welch, Simon. “Turning Regret into Wisdom: The 4 Types of Regret and How to Use Them for Good.”  1/10/2025. The Critical Thought Lab.Retrieved on 9/22/2025 from https://thecriticalthoughtlab.com/turning-regret-into-wisdom-the-4-types-of-regret-and-how-to-use-them-for-good/

    Davis, Paula. “The 4 Major Kinds of Regret” Psychology Today. 2/2022.Retrieved on 9/9/2025 from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/pressure-proof/202202/the-4-major-kinds-of-regret?msockid

    Graham, Jennifer. “Danile Pink has 19,000 regrets and counting. What can we learn from his research?” 2/26/2022. Retrieved on 9/22/2025 from https://www.deseret.com/faith/2022/2/26/22946552/daniel-pink-has-19000-regrets-and-counting-what-can-we-learn-from-his-research-ten-commandments/

    Gutfreund, Deborah. “The 4 Regrets to Transform Your Life.” 10/2024. Aish.com. Retrieved on 9/9/2025 from https://aish.com/the-4-regrets-to-transform-your-life/

    Jones, Emily Williams. “The 4 Types of Regret (A How They Affect Us.” Psychology for Mental Health. Retrieved on 8/30/2025 from https://psychologyfor.com/the-4-types-of-regret-and-how-they-affect-us/

    Mautz, Scott. “On the 4 Core Regrets, a Big Lesson Learned, and More.” “Lead on!” Issue #98: 3/29/2023. Retrieved on 8/24/2025 from https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/issue-98-4-core-regrets-big-lesson-learned-more-scott-mautz/

    Pink, Daniel H. The Power of Regret: How Looking Backward Moves Us Forward. Random House Large Print. ©2022

    Pink, Daniel H. “Around the World, People have the same 4 regrets.” Retrieved on 8/24/2025 from https://www.linkedin.com/posts/danielpink_around-the-world-people-have-the-same-4-regrets-activity-7237095775535538176-6Zf9/

    Pink, Daniel H. “Will We Actually See it? Daniel Pink On the Power of Regret.”                                           Retrieved on 8/25/2025 from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m45eymlraJs

    Pink, Daniel H. “The 4 Types of Regret We Don’t Recognize.” 6/14/2024. Oprah Daily. Retrieved on 9/22/2025 from https://www.oprahdaily.com/life/health/a60862112/4-types-of-regret-daniel-h-pink/

    Wattier, Linda.” 4 Types of Regret and How to Leverage Them for a More Fulfilling Life.” Tiny Buddha. Retrieved on 8/30/2025 from https://tinybuddha.com/blog/4-types-of-regret-and-how-to-leverage-them-for-a-more-fulfilling-life/

    Wright, Josh. “What is the Power of Regret? A Conversation with Daniel Pink.” Behavioral Scientist. 12/13/2022. Retrieved on 8/24/2025 from https://behavioralscientist.org/what-is-the-power-of-regret-a-conversation-with-daniel-pink/

    Yoon, Ph.D., Yesel. “Moving from Regret to Action: What Can You Do Today?” 2/23/2025. Retrieved on 9/22/2025 from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/on-second-thought/202502/moving-from-regret-to-action-what-can-you-do-today?msockid=2daa491bbe5f6f130a475bc3ba5f61f9

  • Dare to Be Bold, Don’t Hold Back

    9/22/2025

    How often do you look back in your life and ask “if only” I had taken a chance? I have. I lacked confidence as a young person; I doubted my writing and speaking abilities. I feared rejection. Instead of testing myself, I held back. I played it safely. After I married and had my kids, I sought jobs with flexibility for my family life. The jobs paid the bills but did not always challenge me.

    The “If only” regrets can be difficult to have. Regret is a negative emotion, and it can make us feel worse. The emotions can feel raw. Over the last couple of posts, I have written about regret and the core regrets as defined by social scientist Daniel Pink, author of Power of Regret.

    The focus of this post is the Boldness Regret. Pink defines this regret as we play it too safe and are left wondering what could have been. Examples include “If only I’d asked that girl out.”, “If only I’d taken that trip before I had children.”, “If only I’d started that business.”. Boldness regrets arise from the failure to take full advantage of opportunities as a springboard into a potentially more fulfilled life.

    As part of a large study, Pink and colleagues set up a website called “The World Regret Survey.”  As part of the survey, they asked, “How often do you look back in your life and wish you had done something differently?” And they found 83 percent of the population saying they do that, at least occasionally. It verifies how common this emotion is, especially when we do not label it with that toxic word of “regret.”

    According to this study by Pink, there is a profound demographic difference of age related to types of regret. When people are young—say, in their 20s—they have equal numbers of regrets for action (what they did) and regrets for inaction (what they did not do). But as people age into their thirties and certainly 40s, 50s, 60s, 70s, the inaction regrets take over. Inaction regrets are, in general, about twice as prevalent as action regrets. As we get older, what really sticks with us are the regrets about what we did not do.

    Deborah Gutfreund is an OCD and trauma therapist. Gutfreund wrote that we can learn from the bold regrets by taking a chance in the future, grab that opportunity to travel, take a class, or ask someone for coffee. Adding, the research reveals that we are more likely to regret what we did not do than what we try, even if it was not a success.

    Work-Life performance expert Donna Davis wrote that both regret and disappointment arise when an outcome is not what you wanted, counted on, or thought would happen; but, with disappointment, you often believe the outcome was outside of your control. With so with regret—you believe the outcome was caused by your own decisions or actions. In other words, it is your fault.

    The “no regrets” ethos is a strong one, however, Pink points out that this is a dangerous outlook. Adding regret is a marker of a healthy and maturing mind.

    Rabbi Effram Goldberg stated no regrets does not mean living with courage, it means living without reflection.

    After personal reflection, we can use regret in a positive way to transform our lives.

    “You decide every day who you will and will not be. Be bold in your decision but remember, choose wisely.” Joel Brown

    Resources:

    Image retrieved on 9/17/2025 from https://www.freepik.com/free-photo/i-cant-message-card-being-cut-with-scissor_10424096.htm

    Davis, Paula. “The 4 Major Kinds of Regret” Psychology Today. 2/2022.Retrieved on 9/9/2025 from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/pressure-proof/202202/the-4-major-kinds-of-regret?msockid

    Gutfreund, Deborah. “The 4 Regrets to Transform Your Life.” 10/2024. Aish.com. Retrieved on 9/9/2025 from https://aish.com/the-4-regrets-to-transform-your-life/

    Jones, Emily Williams. “The 4 Types of Regret (A How They Affect Us.” Psychology for Mental Health. Retrieved on 8/30/2025 from https://psychologyfor.com/the-4-types-of-regret-and-how-they-affect-us/

    Mautz, Scott. “On the 4 Core Regrets, a Big Lesson Learned, and More.” “Lead on!” Issue #98: 3/29/2023. Retrieved on 8/24/2025 from https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/issue-98-4-core-regrets-big-lesson-learned-more-scott-mautz/

    Pink, Daniel H. The Power of Regret: How Looking Backward Moves Us Forward. Random House Large Print. ©2022

    Pink, Daniel H. “Around the World, People have the same 4 regrets.” Retrieved on 8/24/2025 from https://www.linkedin.com/posts/danielpink_around-the-world-people-have-the-same-4-regrets-activity-7237095775535538176-6Zf9/

    Pink, Daniel H. “Will We Actually See it? Daniel Pink On the Power of Regret.”                                           Retrieved on 8/25/2025 from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m45eymlraJs

    Tuhin, Muhammad. “The Neuroscience of Regret: Why it Haunts Us.” 6/23/2025. Retrieved on 8/25/2025 from https://www.sciencenewstoday.org/the-neuroscience-of-regret-why-it-haunts-us

    Wattier, Linda.” 4 Types of Regret and How to Leverage Them for a More Fulfilling Life.” Tiny Buddha. Retrieved on 8/30/2025 from https://tinybuddha.com/blog/4-types-of-regret-and-how-to-leverage-them-for-a-more-fulfilling-life/

    Wright, Josh. “What is the Power of Regret? A Conversation with Daniel Pink.” Behavioral Scientist. 12/13/2022. Retrieved on 8/24/2025 from https://behavioralscientist.org/what-is-the-power-of-regret-a-conversation-with-daniel-pink/

  • Don’t Let Your Regret Hold You Back

    9/10/2025 Wednesday

    If you think back on your life, what regret hits hardest? I believe most of us have felt that sting of regret. It is universal, yet very personal.

    Muhammad Tuhin wrote that in the quiet hours of the night, a familiar shadow often creeps in, not a ghost in the room, but a ghost of the mind. It is a moment replayed, a path not taken. It is deep ache that we define as regret.

    I think Tuhin hit the mark. I, too, have a few regrets. How would my mental health be different if I took time for myself? Could I have avoided depression cycles or had a better handle on anxiety? By focusing on my family and ignoring my needs, this neglect affected my mental, spiritual, and physical health. I chose to emotionally eat to try to hide from my feelings and negative emotions, not face the stresses or worries head-on.

    According to Daniel H. Pink, author of The Power of Regret, regret falls into four core areas: foundational, boldness, moral, and connectional. This post will focus on foundational regrets.

    Additionally, Pink noted that many of our educational, finance, and health regrets are expressions of the same core regret: our failure to be responsible, conscientious, or prudent. Examples of foundational regrets include overspending and under saving, spending time partying in college, instead of focusing on studying or eating fast food and junk food, which often cause unhealthy weight gain.

    One of the most difficult things about regret is that it sits at the intersection of acceptance and yearning. The brain wants to learn and move forward, but it also wants to revisit, and rewrite wrote Tuhin.

    Regret is that stomach-churning feeling that the present would be better and the future brighter if only you hadn’t chosen so poorly, decided so wrongly, or acted so stupidly in the past wrote Pink.

    Foundation regrets can be summarized as if only I had done the work written by Linda Wattier.

    Wattier wrote that she spent a lot of time, in her forties, that she wallowed in these regrets, revisiting past mistakes and ramping up self-criticism which led to heartbreak and grief.

    Regrets can happen. It is what we do with those regrets that can make a difference.

    “Regret is not dangerous or abnormal,” wrote Pink, “a deviation from the steady path to happiness. It is healthy and universal, an integral part of being human. Regret is also valuable. It clarifies. It instructs me. Done right, it needn’t drag us down; it can lift us up.”

    Thinking about it this way, we have a need for stability. It is important to build a basic infrastructure for educational, financial, and physical well-being, for us to have fulfilling lives wrote Wattier. Yet, when we fail to do this, we can be left with regret.

    When faced with regret, work to make a change, try to fix the situation. However, sometimes that is not always possible. “All is not lost, wrote Psychologist Emily Williams Jones.

    Over time, chronic regret can change brain chemistry. It may lower serotonin levels, heighten depression. Tuhin adds, it may even alter the connectivity between emotional and rational regions of the brain that makes it harder to regulate negative feelings.

    Pink has a three-prong approach to facing regret:

    • Look inward: This involves reframing the regret(s) that we have. Practice self-compassion. Teach and treat ourselves with kindness and understanding that can lead to healing and growth.
    • Look outward: Share your regrets with others. Talking or writing about our regrets can help us make sense of them.
    • Move forward: Extract lessons from our regrets. This is essential to create distance and gain perspective on those regrets. Optimize regret rather than minimize it. Create a failure resume to reflect and learn from past mishaps.

    We can use discomfort to solve a situation, to not make mistakes, or not miss an opportunity in the future noted Jones.

    Regret is a chapter, not a whole book, wrote Tuhin.

    Next week, I will focus on the boldness regrets, the “if only.”

    Resources:

    Image retrieved on 9/7/2025 from <a href=https://www.freepik.com/free-vector/hand-drawn-facepalm-illustration_38477179.htm

    Jones, Emily Williams. “The 4 Types of Regret (A How They Affect Us.” Psychology for Mental Health. Retrieved on 8/30/2025 from https://psychologyfor.com/the-4-types-of-regret-and-how-they-affect-us/

    Mautz, Scott. “On the 4 Core Regrets, a Big Lesson Learned, and More.” “Lead on!” Issue #98: 3/29/2023. Retrieved on 8/24/2025 from https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/issue-98-4-core-regrets-big-lesson-learned-more-scott-mautz/

    Pink, Daniel H. The Power of Regret: How Looking Backward Moves Us Forward. Random House Large Print. ©2022

    Pink, Daniel H. “Around the World, People have the same 4 regrets.” Retrieved on 8/24/2025 from https://www.linkedin.com/posts/danielpink_around-the-world-people-have-the-same-4-regrets-activity-7237095775535538176-6Zf9/

    Pink, Daniel H. “Will We Actually See it? Daniel Pink On the Power of Regret.”                                           Retrieved on 8/25/2025 from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m45eymlraJs

    Tuhin, Muhammad. “The Neuroscience of Regret: Why it Haunts Us.” 6/23/2025. Retrieved on 8/25/2025 from https://www.sciencenewstoday.org/the-neuroscience-of-regret-why-it-haunts-us

    Wattier, Linda.” 4 Types of Regret and How to Leverage Them for a More Fulfilling Life.” Tiny Buddha. Retrieved on 8/30/2025 from https://tinybuddha.com/blog/4-types-of-regret-and-how-to-leverage-them-for-a-more-fulfilling-life/

    Wright, Josh. “What is the Power of Regret? A Conversation with Daniel Pink.” Behavioral Scientist. 12/13/2022. Retrieved on 8/24/2025 from https://behavioralscientist.org/what-is-the-power-of-regret-a-conversation-with-daniel-pink/

  • Regret Can Steer Us in a New Direction

    9/3/2025

    “No regrets.” This is a philosophy that many people claim for life. Some even have it tattooed onto their bodies.

     Yet, author Daniel H.  Pink says that regret is a fundamental part of being human. Regret hurts but also instructs. We cannot have one without the other.

    Muhammad Tuhin wrote that it is crucial to understand that regret isn’t just sadness in disguise. It’s a distinct emotion, with its own signature, triggers, and consequences. Added, Regret is tied to agency—the sense that we had control, and we failed. It is tinged with “what ifs” and “if onlys.” It isn’t just about loss; it’s about the belief that loss could have been avoided.

    In Pink’s book The Power of Regret, Pink shares the results of two extensive research projects he conducted. He worked with a small team of survey research experts that designed and carried out the largest quantitative analysis of American attitudes about regret ever conducted called The American Regret Project. Pink also launched a website, the World Regret Survey (worldregretsurvey.com), that has now collected more than 26,000 regrets from people in 134 countries.

    In addition, Pink highlighted the research from psychology, neuroscience, economics, and biology to challenge the widely held assumptions about human emotions and behaviors.

    There are four core regrets written in Pink’s book, Power of Regret:

    1. Foundation regrets: Many of our education, finance, and health regrets are expressions of the same core regret: our failure to be responsible, conscientious, or prudent. Our lives require some basic level of stability. Yet sometimes our individual choices undermine this long-term need.
    2. Boldness regrets: One of the most robust findings in the academic research, and my own, is that over time, we are much more likely to regret the chances we didn’t take than the chances we did. What haunts us is the inaction itself.
    1. Moral regrets: Most of us want to be good people. Yet we often face choices that tempt us to take the low road. When we behave poorly, or compromise our belief in our own goodness, regret can build and then persist.
    2. Connection regrets: Our actions give our lives direction. But other people give those lives purpose. A massive number of human regrets stem from our failure to recognize and honor this principle.

    Pink shared that positive emotions are incredibly important and that they should outnumber our negative emotions but we need some negative emotions because they instruct us. A prominent negative emotion is regret.

    Person Coach Linda Wattier wrote that regret is a unique emotion because it stems from our agency. It’s not something imposed upon us; rather, it arises from choices we made or opportunities we missed.

    In explaining the neuroscience of regret, Tuhin wrote that our brains our master storytellers. It doesn’t just record reality, it edits, reshapes, and replays it. Nowhere is this more evident than in the neural architecture of regret.

    At the center of this process is the orbitofrontal cortex, or OFC, for short. It is the region just above the eyes that is deeply involved in decision-making and evaluation. It helps our brains weigh choices, predict outcomes, and compare actual results with imagined ones. If you experience regret, the OFC does not just analyze what happened, it actively constructs what could have happened. It imagines an alternate path and then evaluates the emotional consequence of not taking it.

    Tuhin wrote that functional MRI studies have shown that the OFC becomes highly active when people are asked to reflect on poor choices or missed opportunities. When the loss is someone else’s the OFC does not light up as much. However, when the fault lies with you, the lights of the OFC shine brightly.

    Regrets are tough. I have a few regrets: If only I had more confidence or learned how to become more confident. I do not think that I would have passed on opportunities or been timid in job interviews. I wish I had joined Toastmasters sooner right after college. As I noted in past posts, I regret being such a bully to myself, knocking myself down.

    Tuhin added that regret is not purely logical. It can carry a very big emotional load: guilt, disappointment, shame, longing. These emotions are orchestrated by a small, almond shaped structure deep in our brain, called the amygdala. The amygdala is regret’s emotional partner.

    You probably didn’t imagine so much was doing on inside of our brains, most likely we are emotionally focused on the result, whether it was we wanted, planned, or not.  The negative emotional toll can be quite hefty.

    In his article, Tuhin shared an example, “Let’s say you remember breaking up with someone who truly loved you. Your OFC might reconstruct a version of life where you stayed together and found happiness. Your amygdala will attach emotional significance to that alternate memory, making it feel real, even though it never actually happened… the collaboration between the OFC and the amygdala creates the vivid, haunting quality of regret. So, our brains may not just think about an alternative or better outcome-it feels it, deeply wrote Tuhin.

    In a culture that promotes relentless positivity and a “no regrets” philosophy, Wattier has learned that negative emotions have their place in a fulfilling life.

    Throughout the month of September, I am going to write about each of the four core regrets. I will dive a little deeper into the core regrets and share examples.

    “Regret can show you what is good in life.” – Daniel H. Pink

    Resources:

    Image retrieved 8/26/2025 from https://www.freepik.com/free-vector/lonely-girl-suffering-from-depression_7732643.htm#fromView=image_search_similar&page=1&position=0&uuid=1234e4d3-b9cc-490f-9290-d3cab4032b53&query=regret

    Jones, Emily Williams. “The 4 Types of Regret (An How They Affect Us.” Psychology for Mental Health.  Retrieved on 8/30/2025 from https://psychologyfor.com/the-4-types-of-regret-and-how-they-affect-us/

    Mautz, Scott. “On the 4 Core Regrets, a Big Lesson Learned, and More.” “Lead on!” Issue #98: 3/29/2023. Retrieved on 8/24/2025 from https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/issue-98-4-core-regrets-big-lesson-learned-more-scott-mautz/

    Pink, Daniel H. The Power of Regret: How Looking Backward Moves Us Forward. Random House Large Print. ©2022

    Pink, Daniel H. “Around the World, People have the same 4 regrets.” Retrieved on 8/24/2025 from https://www.linkedin.com/posts/danielpink_around-the-world-people-have-the-same-4-regrets-activity-7237095775535538176-6Zf9/

    Pink, Daniel H. “Will We Actually See it? Daniel Pink On the Power of Regret.”                                           Retrieved on 8/25/2025 from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m45eymlraJs

    Tuhin, Muhammad. “The Neuroscience of Regret: Why it Haunts Us.” 6/23/2025. Retrieved on 8/25/2025 from https://www.sciencenewstoday.org/the-neuroscience-of-regret-why-it-haunts-us

    Wattier, Linda.” 4 Types of Regret and How to Leverage Them for a More Fulfilling Life.” Tiny Buddha. Retrieved on 8/30/2025 from https://tinybuddha.com/blog/4-types-of-regret-and-how-to-leverage-them-for-a-more-fulfilling-life/

    Wright, Josh. “What is the Power of Regret? A Conversation with Daniel Pink.” Behavioral Scientist. 12/13/2022. Retrieved on 8/24/2025 from https://behavioralscientist.org/what-is-the-power-of-regret-a-conversation-with-daniel-pink/