Curious and Creative

  • Embrace You as a Work in Progress

    June 14, 2025

    Do you accept yourself? It is not an easy thing to do. For some of us, it is damn difficult.

    What is self-acceptance? Self-acceptance is the act of acknowledging and embracing both your strengths and weaknesses without judgment, leading to a more positive and fulfilling self-image. It involves recognizing your imperfections and making peace with them, as well as celebrating your unique qualities and accomplishments. 

    Building self-acceptance is a skill, stated Stephanie Lemek. Added, if you cannot practice self-acceptance, you are limiting your ability to be self-aware and grow into the best version of yourself.

    I have learned quite a bit about myself since starting this blog. Through my research , I have gained an education. I am now practicing ways to increase my self-esteem, increase my self-awareness, and build my self-worth. Thanks to taking on this blog nearly six months ago, I have become more confident and revived a love of writing, something that I had ignored. I had to remind myself that writing is one of my strengths.

    However, I admit that full self-acceptance has been a bit more elusive. As I worked to improve in several areas, good nutrition and exercise have not been a priority of mine, and I feel it in my body. I have been in better shape in the past. I have taken better care of my body. My body has changed due to the physical changes brought on by perimenopause and now menopause. My mind and perspective have changed, yet accepting all of me, my body as it is now, is a very big hurdle.

    “Embracing your life means being true to yourself, not living by someone else’s rules or expectations,” wrote author and journalist John-Manuel Andriote. He added, embracing your life means being willing to stand out, to take risks, and to receive disapproval or rejection of your choices.

    The author and podcaster Jay Shetty once said, “The reason we struggle to accept ourselves is because we think that means I must think ‘it’s my fault.’ When it becomes my fault now, I become depressed by that idea. It’s disempowering. It brings me down. Whereas, when you say, ‘Well it’s not my fault, but it is my responsibility.’ That’s empowering. It gives you a sense of choice, and direction, and design.”

    Last week, I wrote about self-talk and the importance of what language that we use to describe ourselves. I admit, I have asked myself, “why did you let yourself go like this?”  My answers would be harsh and mean. I am accepting me as I am now. Instead, I ask in what way am I strong and attractive. Focusing on the positive does not mean ignoring the not so pleasant physical features, yet it is empowering to move forward toward better care of my body. Body shaming is not the answer, as it is disempowering and discouraging.  It’s best to handle one step at a time.

    Stephanie Lemek stated, “this doesn’t mean you won’t change; we all change, of course, and our self-acceptance will flex with those changes. It may be helpful to think of self-acceptance as acceptance of yourself now, as you are an acceptance of who you can become.”

    Author and podcaster Jordan Lee Dooley wrote in her book Own Your Everyday, it is important to focus on who you are and not what you do. She believes that we need to know who we are before we can figure out what as individuals we are meant to do.

    Here are a few ways to start:

    Know yourself.

    • Understand your values, beliefs and personality.
    • Identify what you like and love about yourself.
    • Stop the comparison game. No good really comes from comparing yourself to others, particularly what you see on social media.

    Be True to yourself. Live True to Yourself.

    • How do you want to live your life?
    • Don’t conform or try to fit a mold that does not suit you.
    • Express yourself freely. Speak your mind, act authentically, let yourself shine.
    • Embrace your differences. What is unique about you?

    Love and accept yourself.

    • Take charge of your life. Make choices that align with your values.
    • Show up for yourself. Keep promises to yourself. Be responsible for your own happiness and well-being.
    • Embrace your journey. There will be smooth waters, rough currents, storms, and sunshine.

    According to Bessel van der Kolk, MD., author of The Body Keeps the Score., “Neuroscience research shows that the only way we can change the way we feel is by becoming aware of our inner experience and learning to befriend what is going inside ourselves.”

    Self-awareness is a tool for personal growth and development, wrote van der Kolk.

    “There is freedom in being yourself,” noted Blogger Nike Trimble.

    I used to think that accepting who “I am” meant settling or being stuck in the present. I perceived that meant leaving no room to grow or improve. “I am what I am; I am not changing.”  I was wrong. I have experienced the opposite. Accepting who I am now, I am aware of my strengths, weaknesses, passions, areas for improvement, and areas to experiment. It is a starting point, not an ending one. I am a work in progress.

    Lemek pointed out in her article that there is a misconception of self-acceptance, that once you accept yourself, you don’t have anything to work on or grow. She wrote that it is not true. Self-acceptance is not about achieving perfection. Rather, self-acceptance gives us the power to better understand where we are and work to improve without judgment for not being perfect.

    Brene Brown said, “how much we know ourselves is extremely important but how we treat ourselves is the most important.”

    Resources:

    Image retrieved on 6/14/2025 from https://www.freepik.com/free-vector/young-woman-standing-front-mirror-motivate-confident-you-can-it-vector-illustration_10108732.htm#fromView=search&page=1&position=8&uuid=0fa582d6-61bf-44b0-aa87-4a244840ba0b&query=self+acceptance

    Andriote, John-Manuel. “What It Means to Embrace Life and the Path You Choose.” 1/22/2022. Retrieved on 6/11/2025 from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/stonewall-strong/202201/what-it-means-to-embrace-your-life-and-the-path-you-chose

    Bernock, Danielle. “Why It’s Hard to Embrace Who You Are and What to Do.” Retrieved on 6/11/2025 from https://www.daniellebernock.com/why-its-hard-to-embrace-who-you-are-and-what-to-do/

    Brach, Tara. Radical Self-Acceptance.

    Dooley, Jordan Lee. Own Your Every Day: Overcome the Pressure to Prove and Show Up for What You Were Made to Do. Waterbook, an imprint of Crown Publishing. New York, New York. ©2019.

    Lemek Stephanie. “Self-Acceptance-the Missing Key to Your Personal Health, Growth & Development.” Retrieved on 6/7/2025 from https://medium.com/hlwf-healthcare-healthtech-lifesciences-wellness/self-acceptance-the-missing-key-to-your-personal-growth-development-bbbb19122c5b

    Shetty, Jay. “Self-Acceptance” video short. 8/4/2022. Retrieved on 6/7/2025 from

    Trimble, Nika. “Embracing Who You Are.” 7/30/2021. Medium. Retrieved on 6/11/2025 from https://medium.com/know-thyself-heal-thyself/embracing-who-you-are-d70d3146e567.

    Van de Kolk, MD, Bessel. The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma. Penguin Books. ©2015

  • Self-Talk Matters

    June 7, 2025

    Psychology Today defines self-talk as the internal dialogues or conversations that individuals have with themselves in their minds. It can be conscious thoughts or unconscious beliefs and biases, providing a way for the brain to interpret and process daily experiences. 

    Think about what you have said to yourself today. Was it kind and helpful? Was it critical? How did you feel afterwards? Would you say to another person what you say to yourself?

    I would not dare say some of the things to a friend or family friend that I tell myself. It would be so hurtful, mean, and rude. Yet, I cannot seem to stop the negative and hurtful self-talk that towards myself. I have struggled for many years. I am actively working with my counselor to help me eliminate the negative self-talk. It is not easy and very challenging.

    Self-talk is your inner voice. We do self-talk naturally each day, according to Healthline.com. Fortunately, people are becoming more aware that positive self-talk is a powerful tool to increase your self-confidence, wrote York, adding, those who master positive self-talk are thought to be more confident, motivated, and productive.

    According to Healthdirect, an Australian health website, self-talk matters. It has a significant impact on how you feel, what you do, and even how you manage pain.

    This is how self-talk affects you:

    • Negative self-talk is when you are overly critical of yourself, focusing on the bad.
    • Your self-talk affects your mental health and how you face each day.
    • You can stop negative self-talk by being aware of it and by challenging and replacing those thoughts with positive ones.
    • Positive self-talk can improve your well-being and lower depression and anxiety.

    “Your thoughts are the source of your emotions and mood. The conversations you have with yourself can be destructive or beneficial. They influence how you feel about yourself and you respond to events in your life,” wrote Susan York.

    Here are some effects of self-talk:

    • Shapes self-perception and self-identity.
    • Influences our emotions and mood.
    • Affects our self-confidence and self-esteem.
    • Guides behavior and decision-making.
    • Alters perceptions of stress and adversity.
    • It influences motivation and goal attainment.

    It is more than content. Language that we use with ourselves that matters. Researchers have found it is not just what you say to yourself, it is also the language that you use to say it.

    According to a 2014 scientific report, researchers described how the language we use in self-talk matters. Do not refer to yourself in the first person like “I” or “me.”  Use third person pronouns in self-talk as it can help you step back and think more objectively about your response and emotions.

    For example, instead saying “I am anxious,” start telling yourself, “she is anxious.”  This shift can help you detach from emotion and think more objectively. Studies, like the one published in Scientific Reports have shown the benefits of using third person pronouns. Another suggestion is to use your name with the second person pronoun, “you can do this, Paula.”

    A retired endurance athlete and science writer, Christopher Bergland stated that during times of distress or when you’re reminiscing about painful experiences from your past, talking to yourself in the third person — by using non-first-person pronouns or your own name — can help you stay calm, cool, and collected.

    According to Positive Psychology.com, our patterns of self-talk are often negative. People focus on the pre-conceived ideas that they are not good enough or they are a failure, or they cannot do anything right. The human brain is hardwired to remember negative experiences over positive ones. So, individuals will recall the times that they did not get something quite right over the times that they did. Then those thoughts ruminate in the mind.

    On the other hand, positive self-talk uses encouraging and affirming language which can help build confidence and improve emotional well-being. Benefits of positive self-talk include:

    • Helps reduce stress.
    • Helps boost confidence and resilience.
    • Helps build better relationships.

    Ethan Kross is a psychologist at the University of Michigan. He studies how people use pronouns inside their minds in their self-talk. Those that use “I” in their mental dialogue, May say something like this: “oh my God, how can take on this speech with so little time to prepare.”

    Whereas, people who used their own names in their dialogue were more likely to give themselves support and advice. “Ethan, you got this, you have done speeches before.” Study participants sounded more rational, and less emotional. They were able to distance themselves from their emotions.

    Banishing your critic, noted by Jan Roberts, will not be easy. It makes more effort to do so for some. It is worthwhile, as it can better yourself and improve your sense of self-worth.

    Here are a few suggestions to make changes to your self-talk:

    • Identify self-talk traps. Some situations may cause us to resort to negative self-talk than others.
    • Utilize positive affirmations. Use little notes, post-its with positive expressions. This can impact your mindset.
    • Check in with your emotions regularly. Positive self-talk takes effort as we are so attuned to negative self-talk.
    • Create boundaries. Think about the people in your life. Some people may not bring out the best in us. Focus on surrounding yourself with people who talk positively about you and encourage you.

    I will end this blog with this quote:

    “Words matter. And the words that matter most are the ones you say to yourself.”― David Taylor-Klaus

    Resources:

    Image Retrieved on 5/30/2025 from <a href=”https://www.freepik.com/free-photo/arrangement-optimism-concept-elements_12558668.htm”>Image by freepik</a>

    Bergland, Christopher. ‘Self-Talk Using Third-Person Pronouns Hacks Your Vagus Nerve.” 5/23/2017. Retrieved on 5/30/2025 from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-athletes-way/201705/self-talk-using-third-person-pronouns-hacks-your-vagus-nerve.

    Bergland, Christopher. “Silent Third Person Self-Talk Facilitates Emotion Regulation.” 7/28/2017. Retrieved on 5/30/2025 from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-athletes-way/201707/silent-third-person-self-talk-facilitates-emotion-regulation

    Mead, BSc, Elaine. “What is Positive Self-Talk?” 9/26/2019. Retrieved on 5/30/2025 from https://positivepsychology.com/positive-self-talk/#:~:text=Positive%20Self%2DTalk%3A%20’I,to%20get%20the%20work%20done.

    Roberts, Jan. “What do you say when you talk to yourself?.” 5/5/2021. Retrieved on 5/30/2025 from https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/what-do-you-say-when-talk-yourself-jan-robberts/.

    “Self-Talk.” Retrieved on 4/23/2025 from https://psychology.tips/self-talk/

    “Self-Talk-what is it and why is it important.” Retrieved on 4/23/2025 from https://www.healthdirect.gov.au/self-talk

    Starecheski, Laura. Changing Lives for Women: “Why Saying is Believing-The Science of Self-Talk.” 10/7/2014. Morning Edition. NPR. Retrieved on 5/30/2025 from https://www.npr.org/sections/health-shots/2014/10/07/353292408/why-saying-is-believing-the-science-of-self-talk

    York, Susan. “What are the Benefits of Self-Talk?”  Healthline.com. 12/19/2016. Retrieved on 5/30/2025 from https://www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/self-talk

  • What Does It Take to Create Self-Confidence?

    5/31/2025

    The American Psychological Association defines self-confidence as “a belief that one is capable of successfully meeting the demands of a task.”

    Confidence is not just a feeling, it is a state of mind, according to MentorLoop.com blogger/writer Emily Ryan.

    Psychotherapist Amy Morin stated that self-confidence can give you a general sense of trust in your ability to control your life.

    Confidence is not innate. Yet, it can be developed and nurtured over time, wrote Ryan.

    According to the Mentorink.com website, confidence is not something that may come naturally, yet it is something that can be learned and improved over time.

    In 2012, Dr. Ivan Joseph, a sports psychologist, shared his definition of self-confidence during his TEDX talk. Joseph defined confidence as the ability to believe in yourself, to accomplish any task, no matter the odds, no matter the difficulty, and no matter the adversity. Self-confidence is a skill, as it can be trained, stated Joseph.

    There is no magic pill that anyone can take to create self-confidence, noted Joseph. We expect to be self-confident, but we can’t be unless the skill or the task that we are doing is not novel or new to us.

    Morin added that cultivating and maintaining confidence is not easy, and it can be an easy thing to lose when you feel like you’ve failed or made a mistake.

    According to Dr. Joseph, self-confidence requires repetition. It is important that we are in a situation where we can tell ourselves, “Done this a thousand times.”

    We can practice. The problem with repetition is…how many of us bail after the first bit of failure? How many of us bail after the first bit of adversity?

    Practice, repetition, and persistence are key to building self-confidence. Very few of us will persist. One way to build self-confidence, get out there and do want you want to do and do not accept no. The other one is self-talk.

    Self-confidence can be tricky, at least in my experience. I have worked hard to increase my self-confidence. My confidence level has gone up and down. It has been affected when my self-esteem and self-worth have taken major hits. When things did not go right in the first few attempts, I bailed. I told myself that I did not have what it takes. I was short-sighted on so many things. I admit I gave up too soon. My lack of confidence, low self-esteem, and impatience with myself won.

    Confidence enables us to handle failure and setbacks with grace and resilience, wrote Ryan. Confident individuals recognize that failure is not a reflection of their self-worth, but rather an opportunity to learn and grow, adding, failure can go hand in hand with success. Having confidence ensures we can overcome failure faster.

    Podcast Chris Williamson hosts a podcast called, “Modern Wisdom.” Williamson said that for many years he had crippling belief that he was insufficient, as a result he lacked self-confidence. He also suffered from imposter syndrome.

    Williamson commented that if you are someone that deals with a crippling sense of insufficiency, your ability to discount any good thoughts you have in your mind is going to be so strong. If you try to lead with positivity first, “I need to think it, wish it, believe and I will achieve it,” then your set point of negativity will just crush that into the ground.

    Joseph said confidence comes from practice and success. When we do well, we feel good, and our confidence grows.

    As part of my research, self-talk impacts self-confidence. What are your thoughts and the voice in your head saying to you?

    Joseph said we all have self-talk tape that plays in our heads. There are enough people that are telling us we can’t do it and that we are not good enough. Adding, why do we want to tell ourselves that? asked Joseph.

    “No one will believe you unless you do,” said Joseph.

    Recognize and notice when you’re having negative self-talk. Work to convert those negative thoughts and words to positive ones that acknowledge the full credit that you deserve.

    Williamson shares that action is a way to build self-confidence. Stop breaking promises to yourself. If you say you are going to do something, then do it.

    “Confidence is a vital skill to acquire, regardless of where you’re starting from. Whether you’re someone who has always lacked confidence or someone who is simply looking to boost their existing levels, it’s important to remember that confidence is something that can be developed and strengthened over time,” said Ryan.

    Mentorink.com noted that building confidence doesn’t happen immediately, however, you can make some improvements with some consistent effort.

    Here are some ways to build confidence:

    • Cultivate positive self-talk. Challenge your negative thoughts.
    • Practice self-compassion. Be honest about yourself but not mean.
    • Set realistic goals. Each success builds confidence.
    • Step outside of your comfort zone.
    • Improve your competence in specific areas. Learn, practice, and repeat.
    • Seek feedback and learn from mistakes. Persist and persevere.

    What is one small thing that you can commit to doing every day to build skill and confidence?

    “What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.” ―Henry Stanley Haskins

    Resources:

    Image retrieved on 5/30/2025 from <a href=”https://www.freepik.com/free-vector/woman-empowerment-social-media-template-vector-with-woman-character-text-self-confidence-is-best-outfit_20170224.htm”>Image by rawpixel.com on Freepik</a>

    Joseph, Dr. Ivan.” The Skill of Self-confidence.” 1/12/2022. Retrieved on 5/28/2025 from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w-HYZv6HzAs

    Joseph, Dr. Ivan. “The Skill of Self-Confidence.” 8/2/2023. Retrieved on 5/29/2025 from https://castingfrontier.com/blog/the-skill-of-self-confidence/

    Mentorink.com. “Is Confidence a Skill?” 9/8/2024. Retrieved on 5/29/2025 from https://www.mentorink.com/blog/is-confidence-a-skill/#:~:text=What%20is%20Confidence?,handle%20both%20successes%20and%20setbacks.

    Morin, Amy, LCSW. “How to Be More Confident: 9 Tips That Work. Believing in yourself will take you far.” Retrieved on 5/21/2025 from https://www.verywellmind.com/how-to-boost-your-self-confidence-4163098

    Ryan, Emily. “Self-Confidence is not Personality Trait; it’s a Skill to Acquire.” 4/27/2023. Retrieved on 5/29/2025 from https://mentorloop.com/blog/self-confidence/

    University of South Florida, Counseling Center. Department of Student Success. “What is Self-Confidence?” Retrieved on 5/6/2025 fromhttps://www.usf.edu/student-affairs/counseling-center/top-concerns/what-is-self-confidence.aspx

    Williamson, Chris. “How to Build Self-Confidence.” Retrieved on 5/28/2025 from https://www.youtube.com/shorts/szKl-AQrV50

  • What is Self-worth?

    5/24/2025

    Self-worth often is confused with self-esteem. Though related, self-worth and self-esteem are distinct and different concepts. Self-worth is deeper and more stable. It is a sense of your inherent value as a person.

    As defined by the University of North Carolina-Wilmington’s health wellness website:

    Self-worth is the internal sense of being good enough and worthy of love and belonging from others.

    Self-worth is often confused with self-esteem that relies on external factors such as accomplishments, social status, and body image.

    How would you define your own self-worth? What words would you use to describe yourself? What value did you place on yourself or aspects of yourself?

    Humanistic psychologist Carl Rogers emphasized self-worth. He argued that true self value comes from unconditional acceptance of oneself.

    The Resilience Lab states self-worth is a concept that transcends self-confidence or self-esteem. It is the inherent value we place on ourselves, independent of external accolades. At its core, self-worth is an individual comprehensive assessment of a person’s own value. It is an internal compass. Self-love is a close ally of self-worth, and can significantly improve an individual’s self-worth.

    The concurring opinion is self-worth is not influenced by accomplishments, social recognition, or material possessions. It is rooted in self-acceptance and unconditional self-love.

    There are core aspects of self-worth:

    • Self-acceptance: accepting one’s own strengths and weaknesses without judgment. Appreciating unique traits and qualities. People with strong self-acceptance are less likely to be affected by criticism or failure.
    • Self-respect is a belief that one deserves love, kindness, and dignity. They treat themselves with compassion and fairness even when faced with challenges.
    • Resilience is the ability to maintain a positive self-view despite adversity. Resilient individuals with strong self-worth are better equipped to cope with life’s difficulties. They know that setbacks do not diminish their inherent value.

    Perhaps you have low self-worth. One resource pointed out that low self-worth is similar to shame, which is driven by deep beliefs and feelings of being unworthy, bad, or not good enough.

    Low self-worth can manifest in different ways for different people:

    • May avoid challenges in work or school
    • Get upset or distressed by any criticism or disapproval
    • Bend over backwards to please others
    • Be shy or self-conscious
    • Avoid or withdraw from intimacy, vulnerability or social contact
    • Less likely to stand up for self from being abused or neglected

    Dr. Gregory Jantz is an innovator in the treatment of mental health. Jantz pioneered the Whole Person Care over forty years ago. He is a best-selling author of over 45 books and a media authority. He once said that you can’t just tell someone they’re of worth and think they’ll believe you.

    Jantz said he struggled over the years as a psychologist to find ways to help someone feel their true value when they don’t feel it. Those who struggle with low self-worth may not feel their worth yet. However, through self-discovery, opening up to possibility, they can start asking themselves, “What if I really were of worth?” and “What if I could feel that I am valuable and loveable deep down?

    Self-worth emphasizes our intrinsic value. Building self-worth is important, as it requires you to recognize and accept your strengths and limitations. Focus on internal validation, rather than external approval. It is worth to note that low self-esteem can have a negative impact on self-worth.

    According to Thriveworks.com, self-worth precedes self-esteem. Developing self-worth helps with a healthy identity formation. Additionally, the Academic Psychological Association (APA) found a positive association between positive feelings of self-worth and a high degree of self-acceptance and self-esteem. Although there is not conclusive age at which self-worth develops, it begins developing along with awareness and maturity. By the age of five, it is likely a child would have strengthened their sense of self-worth.

    Self-worth is a foundation. If you have a strong sense of self-worth, you are more likely to accept yourself for who you are, flaws and mistakes included. A strong self-worth can be a positive buffer in hard and challenging times. Remember, that core beliefs are often old, deep and can be resistant to change. This can make self-worth issues more difficult to address.

    There are ways you can begin to build your self-worth:

    • Practice self-compassion. Be kind to yourself when you face setbacks.
    • Develop core values that can guide personal decision-making.
    • Engage in mindfulness. Focus on the present moment. Build your self-awareness.
    • Challenge negative thoughts. If a negative thought pops up, come up with two positive thoughts for every negative one.

    “Self-worth comes from one thing —  thinking that you are worthy.” – Wayne Dyer 

    Resources:

    Image retrieved on 5/16/2025 from <a href=”https://www.freepik.com/free-vector/personal-growth-concept-illustration_29978908.htm”>Image by storyset on Freepik</a>

    Choosingtherapy.com. “Self-worth vs. Self-esteem.” Retrieved on 5/13/2025 from https://www.choosingtherapy.com/self-worth-vs-self-esteem/

    Jantz, Gregory. “Self-worth vs. Self-esteem: Understanding the Key Difference.” The Center: A Place of Hope. Updated on 12/16/2024. Retrieved on 5/16/2025 from https://www.aplaceofhope.com/self-worth-vs-self-esteem-understanding-the-key-differences/

    Resilience Lab. “What is Self-worth & How do we build it?” 3/13/2024. Retrieved on 5/16/2025

    Thriveworks.com “Self-worth v. Self-esteem.” Retrieved on 5/13/2025 from https://thriveworks.com/help-with/self-improvement/self-worth-vs-self-esteem/

    University of North Carolina-Wilmington. Self-Help resources.Self-Worth. Retrieved on 5/16/2025 from https://uncw.edu/seahawk-life/health-wellness/counseling/self-help-resources/self-worth

  • Stop Looking Outside Yourself for Validation

    May 17, 2025

    How often do you base your self-esteem on your accomplishments, your social circle, or  your looks? How often is your self-esteem go up and down based on circumstances or moods?

    As I began researching the topic of self-esteem, I realized that, like many people, I conflated the definitions of self-esteem and self-worth.  As I delved into the topic over the last few weeks, I learned that self-esteem and self-worth are not the same.  While the two terms are related, self-esteem is more about your perception of yourself, based on external factors and achievements, while self-worth is about your inherent value as a person. I will touch upon self-esteem in this blog.   Next week, I will focus on self-worth.

    According to Wikipedia, self-esteem is confidence in one’s own worth, abilities, or morals. Self-esteem encompasses beliefs about oneself, as well as emotional states like pride, triumph, happiness, despair, etc.

    Licensed clinical mental health counselor Hailey Shafir states that self-esteem describes how you think and feel about yourself, which changes based on mood, circumstance, performance or the approval of others.

    Self-esteem involves your thoughts and feelings about yourself, plus your level of confidence, added Shafir. Self-esteem depends heavily on the outer world of people, tasks, and external information used to compare, judge and evaluate yourself.

    The concepts of self-worth and self-esteem evolved since their introduction in the 19th century. Psychologist William James introduced the concept of self-esteem when he first linked self-esteem to accomplishments and personal success. Later, psychologist Carl Rogers emphasized self-worth and argued that true self-worth comes from unconditional acceptance of oneself.

    People with low self-esteem are less confident and often have more negative thoughts  and feelings about themselves. I can relate. Self-esteem can be fragile and fluctuate as it is based on our achievements, social status, or personal traits.  

    According to an article on The Center: A Place of Hope website, there are key components of self-esteem:

    • Competence-based
    • Social-based
    • Appearance-based

    Competence-based self-esteem is linked to skills and success. When individuals excel in specific areas like academics, work, or personal projects, their self-esteem often increases. An example could be a person getting a big promotion or mastering a new skill.

    Social-based self-esteem is tied to relationships. This component of self-esteem derives from the quality of relationships with others such as friends, family, and co-workers. Positive interactions can boost a person’s self-esteem. However, social rejection or isolation can diminish it.

    Appearance-based self-esteem is influenced by physical appearance. This component of self-esteem relates to how an individual perceives their physical looks and how closely those looks align with social beauty standards. Cultural norms, social media, and media representation significantly shapes and impacts this component.

    There are also several characteristics of self-esteem:

    • Thoughts and feelings about certain traits or skills
    • Temporary boosts in confidence
    • Self-judgment and evaluation
    • Conditional and contingent upon certain standards
    • Value in the external world
    • Negative feedback and the stress that can undermine its value
    • Ego or false self reflection
    • A scarce resource that needs constant renewal

    My self-esteem was like the stock market, one day it was up and the next down. As a kid, teenager, particularly my middle school days, I was young and immature. I did not have the social skills to make a lot of friends. I was awkward and often sat alone on the school bus. My self-esteem really started on a roller coaster ride when I started seventh grade. I was quiet and shy. I was a target of bullies. I often developed stomach aches before gym class in middle school. My self-esteem was not high.

    As I entered high school, I would look at Teen and Seventeen magazines and see what I perceived to be the beautiful girls. Teen magazine hosted a teen model contest each year. I dreamed that could be me. I knew that I was not tall or beautiful to even compete. You had to be at least five foot, seven inches tall. I am five foot, four inches tall. I took ballet class, actually started on point. I quit after puberty kicked in. I was not the thin and tiny body shape that other girls were in my class. I am not sure if I could have been good. I judged my body harshly.

    Self-esteem is more judgmental than self-worth, as it is a by-product of your critical mind, which is the part that is really good at finding and fixing problems. This part of the brain is always looking for new information to use to evaluate and compare you to other people, their expectations or your own expectations, wrote Hailey Shafir.

    I am so glad that social media didn’t exist back then. I think I would have been obsessed with Instagram. Media representations and social media often create an unrealistic standard for beauty and success. My self-esteem would be caught up with it. I cannot recall who said it, don’t compare your behind the scenes life with another’s highlight reel. It is not a true comparison. This point is confirmed by other concurring resources.

    “Social media platforms, in particular, can fuel comparison and negatively impact self-esteem by showcasing curated, idealized versions of other lives,” according to the Center: A Place for Hope.

    Clinical therapists Samantha Gonzalez and Alyssa Acosta led a study at Loma Linda University Behavioral Health. They broke down the impact of social media on the self-perception and mental well-being of young individuals and the challenges that they face in maintaining their own healthy self-image in the digital age.

    “Social media platforms are flooded with meticulously curated profiles, showcasing seemingly perfect lives, flawless appearances, and ideal bodies,” Acosta says. “This constant exposure to images of seemingly perfect individuals can lead young people to develop unrealistic expectations about their own appearance and life achievements.”

    The negative impacts of social media platforms can lead to distorted representations and comparing oneself to what is online. This can lead to feelings of inadequacy, lowered self-esteem, and even body dysmorphia. Young people are fueled by the need for validation and social approval.  The number of “likes, comments, and followers,” has become a measure for self-worth.

    Social media and media representations are not the only factors impacting our self-esteem. Childhood experiences play a crucial role in shaping self-esteem. Consistent praise, encouragement, and constructive feedback can foster a healthy self-esteem. In contrast, if an individual grew up with neglect, criticism, or abuse, these factors can damage self-esteem and lead to lifelong securities. 

    Cultural and societal expectation play a role as well. Different cultures place varying levels on the importance of individual success, social standing, and physical appearance. Societal pressures of academic achievement, college choice, career choice, career achievements, social status, and beauty ideals significantly affect self-esteem.

    Self-esteem affects many areas of life: emotional health, relationships, and personal achievements. When we have a healthy self-esteem, we are more likely to take risks and pursue goals. We can be better equipped to face and handle set-backs and bounce back from failures. When we have healthy self-esteem, it can foster positive relationships and effective communication. That is a win-win in my book.

    On the other hand, low self-esteem can cause emotional instability. We may rely on external validation and this can cause emotional highs and lows. Low self-esteem may result in social withdrawal or an avoidance of social events. From my experience, low self-esteem has led to life-long social anxiety. If I go to this event, will have anyone to talk to? Will I be a “wall flower?” standing by the buffet? As someone who has experienced low self-esteem that has been persistent at points in my life, it can indeed lead to depression, generalized anxiety, and feelings of worthlessness.

    Steps to take to improve self-esteem:

    • Be kind and increase self-compassion
    • Separate what you do from who you are
    • Stop looking outside yourself for validation
    • Stop competing, start connecting
    • Develop a more positive mindset

    These steps will not be easy, however, they’ll be well worth it.

    “Wanting to be someone else is a waste of the person you are.” –Marilyn Monroe

    Resources:

    Image retrieved on 5/16/2025 from https://www.freepik.com/free-vector/high-self-esteem-illustration_10684322.htm#fromView=keyword&page=1&position=11&uuid=8de2c781-1298-4147-a9f8-39ef0349968b&query=Self+Esteem

    The Center: A Place of Hope. “Self-Worth vs. Self-Esteem: Understanding the Key Differences.” Retrieved on 5/5/2025 from Self-Worth vs. Self-Esteem: Understanding the Key Differences

    Hibbert, Christina.”Self-Esteem vs. Self-Worth: Q & A with Dr. Christian Hibbert.” Retrieved on 5/5/2025 from Self-Esteem vs. Self-Worth: Q & A w/ Dr. Christina Hibbert | Dr. Christina Hibbert

    Mong, Victor. “7 Habits Most People Don’t Realize are driven by Shame.” Medium.com. 4/1/2025. Retrieved on 5/15/2025 from https://victormong.medium.com/7-habits-most-people-dont-realize-are-driven-by-shame-66c2f41388f2

    Shafir, Hailey, LCMHCS. “Self-Worth Vs. Self-Esteem: Understanding the Differences.” Choosingtherapy.com 9/29/2023. Retrieved on 5/13/2025 from https://www.choosingtherapy.com/self-worth-vs-self-esteem/

    Smith, Molly.  “The impacts of social media on youth self-image.” 5/16/2023. Retrieved on 5/16/2025 from https://news.llu.edu/health-wellness/impacts-of-social-media-youth-self-image#

  • Who Am I? What Makes “Me” me?

    May 10,2025

    What is self-perception? Self-perception refers to the way an individual views themselves, encompassing their internal feelings and understanding of their characteristics. It involves a personal and subjective understanding of oneself, rather than external perceptions from others. The person has a picture of who they are. This perception influences attitudes, behavior and overall sense of self.

    Why is self-perception important? It is important for understanding how individuals think, behave, and relate to others. According to a 2022 published study, it is understood that self-perception includes those internally conscious and organized concepts that the individual has about oneself.

    There are other words for self-perception, such as self-image, self-concept, introspection, self-awareness, self-examination, and self-reflection. These terms also relate to how a person perceives themselves, their abilities, and place in the world.  In today’s blog, I will focus on self-perception and self-concept.

    Self-concept is what you believe defines you as a person. It answers the “Who Am I?” question. It involves everything about you, from your morals and everyday behaviors to your talents, hobbies, and beliefs. Self-concept is a critical component of identity development.

    What is the difference between self-concept vs. self-esteem? Self-concept and self-esteem are related, according to the Aster Mental Health website, yet they are distinct ideas in psychology. Self-concept is a broader term that encompasses the entirety of an individual’s beliefs about themselves, including their traits, behaviors, and overall identity. Whereas, self-esteem refers to the evaluative and affective aspect of self-concept. It is the judgment and emotional reaction a person has towards themselves. Self-esteem relates to how much a person likes or values themselves. I am going touch part on that in another blog post.

    According to humanistic psychologist Carl Rogers, there are three parts of self-concept:

    • Ideal self – your vision and ambitions of who you want to be.
    • Real self (self-image) – how you currently see and perceive yourself.
    • Self-esteem – how much worth and value you believe you have.

    Carl Rogers was an American psychologist who was one of the founders of humanistic psychology. Rogers’ main theory was that people have an innate desire for personal growth and self-actualization. He believed that people have an inherent tendency to realize their full potential when supported by an environment that provides unconditional positive regard. Rogers’ work transformed psychotherapy.

    As I delved further into the concept of self-perception, I learned many things, too many to fit into this one blog post. One key theory that I came upon is the self-perception theory. It is an important concept in psychology.  It was first introduced in the 1960’s by a social psychologist named Daryl J. Bem at Cornell University. It asserts that people develop their attitudes (when there is no previous attitude due to a lack of experience, etc.—and the emotional response is ambiguous) by observing their own behavior and concluding what attitudes must have caused it.

    Initially, Bern’s theory was seen by some as a concept that challenged cognitive dissonance. However, further research that built upon Bem’s work has concluded that the self-perception theory and cognitive dissonance do indeed have different applications. The critical difference is that self-perception theory relates to situations where an individual’s attitude is ambiguous or weak. Since the 1960s, there have been other numerous studies conducted by psychologists that support the self-perception theory, demonstrating that emotions do follow behaviors. 

    Bem outlined the key ideas for his theory:

    • Inference from behavior
    • Ambiguous internal cues
    • Attitude formation
    • Behavioral cues as evidence
    • Lack of prior attitude

    “Individuals come to know their own attitudes, emotions, and other internal states,”  wrote Bem, “partially by inferring them from observations of their own overt behavior and/or the circumstances in which the behavior occurs.”

    The Decision Lab shared the basic idea of Self-Perception Theory as, “We typically view the interaction between attitudes and behaviors as a causal sequence that progresses linearly from attitude to behavior. We might have an attitude towards work ethic, for example, which would translate into some behavior, like working overtime to get the job done.”

    What influences our self-perceptions? Other people can influence our self-concept and self-esteem, but there more important systemic forces on our self-perception have the most influence, wrote Tammera Stokes Rice. Influences include social and family influences, culture, and media. Each play a role in shaping who we think we are and how we feel about ourselves.

    As a newborn, we are a blank slate. Parents and peers shape our self-perceptions in positive and negative ways. Feedback that we get from significant others can lead to perceptions of self. As we grow, those influences can change. The way that you perceive yourself impacts all arenas of your life. In general, we strive to present a public image that matches our self-perception or self-concept. Take the time, get out a journal, and write down answers to the following:

    • Make a list of characteristics that you think describe who you are.
    • Name one positive and one negative influence that had your self-perception.

    “From the start, our environment shapes who we are. We don’t always see it, but we are similarly influenced by what the people around us believe.”
    ― C.B. Lansdell, Far Removed

    Resources:

    Image retrieved on 5/10/2025 from <a href=”https://www.freepik.com/free-photo/portrait-woman-with-low-self-esteem_36305570.htm”>Image by pikisuperstar on Freepik</a>

    Aster Mental Health. “What is Self-concept in Psychology?” Retrieved on 5/4/2025 from https://www.astermentalhealth.com/what-is-self-concept-in-psychology/#:~:text=Different%20cultures%20emphasize%20different%20aspects,to%20which%20individuals%20compare%20themselves.

    Bem, Daryl J. “Self-Perception: An Alternative Interpretation of Cognitive Dissonance Phenomena.” Carnegie Institute of Technology. Psychological Review. 1967, vol. 74, No.3, 183-200. Retrieved on 5/4/2025 from https://web.mit.edu/curhan/www/docs/Articles/15341_Readings/Motivation/Bem_1967_Self_perception.pdf

    Bem, Daryl J. “Self Perception Theory.” Advance in Experimental Social Psychology, vol. 6. 1972. Academic Press, Inc. New  York. Retrieved on 5/4/2025 from http://www.communicationcache.com/uploads/1/0/8/8/10887248/self-perception_theory.pdf

    The Decision Lab.”Self Perception Theory”. Retrieved on 5/4/2025 from https://thedecisionlab.com/reference-guide/psychology/self-perception-theory

    McLeod, PhD, Saul. “Contribution to Psychology,” Retrieved on 5/4/2025 from https://www.simplypsychology.org/carl-rogers.html#:~:text=Carl%20Rogers’%20humanistic%20theory%20focuses,that%20provides%20unconditional%20positive%20regard.

    Palenzuela-Luis N, Duarte-Clíments G, Gómez-Salgado J, Rodríguez-Gómez JÁ, Sánchez-Gómez MB. International Comparison of Self-Concept, Self-Perception and Lifestyle in Adolescents: A Systematic Review. Int J Public Health. 2022 Sep 29;67:1604954. doi: 10.3389/ijph.2022.1604954. PMID: 36250150; PMCID: PMC9556634. Retrieved on 5/4/2025 from https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC9556634/#:~:text=Finally%2C%20self%2Dperception%20is%20important,individual%20has%20about%20him%2Fherself.

    Psych Central.”The Makeup and Theories of Self Concept.” Retrieved on 5/4/2025 from https://psychcentral.com/health/self-concept

    Social Science Explainer. “Self-Perception Theory.” Retrieved on 5/4/2025 from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZrtNaguKM68

    “Study.com “Self-Perception Theory: Definition and Examples.” Psychology 104: Social Psychology. Retrieved on 5/4/2025 from https://study.com/academy/lesson/self-perception-theory-definition-and-examples.

    “Self-perception” theory”. Retrieved on 5/4/2025 from https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Self-perception_theory#:~:text=Self-perception%20theory Stokes Rice, Tammera. College of the Canyons. “3.5 Influence on Self-Perception.” Retrieved on 5/4/2025 from https://socialsci.libretexts.org/Courses/College_of_the_Canyons/COMS_100%3A_Process_of_Communication_(Stokes-Rice)/03%3A_Perceiving_and_Understanding/3.05%3A_Influences_on_Self-Perception

  • There is a Need to Be Kind and Compassionate to Yourself

    5/6/2025

    Do you see yourself as kind and compassionate? Do you extend that to yourself?

    I must admit over the years, I thought of myself as not good enough. I internalized what I saw as a shortcoming. I developed a strong bias against myself. It was not just what I physically saw, I disliked or criticized my actions or lack of actions. My anxiety increased. Back in 2018, I named my anxiety as “Annie.” Annie has been the meanest bully I have ever faced. As I have gotten older, what was unacceptable to me or seen as problems and flaws are now less intrusive. I still battle with “Annie” anxiety. Yet now, Annie wins fewer fights.

    If I want a true, straight forward answer, I ask my husband. He may not sugar coat it. In fairness, he is kinder to me than I am to myself. I have learned over the years, then when I am mean and critical to myself, he is my biggest defender. He is ready to battle “Annie” himself. I have told him, this is a battle that I must fight on my own, if he is in my corner between rounds. I will feel stronger.

    Self-criticism distorts our awareness of who we really are. Comparison games make things worse and not better. It causes us to doubt our abilities, increases our anxiety, then our self-esteem takes a nosedive.

    How do we feel better? Research done by Kristin Neff, Ph.D. has shown that self-compassion and kindness is particularly important. In the early 200’s, Kristin Neff’s research and publications on self-compassion became popular. The concept of self-compassion gained ground within the field of psychology.

    What is self-compassion? It is treating yourself with the same kindness and understanding that you would offer a friend in tough times, by acknowledging pain, setbacks, and actively paying attention to your emotions without hard judgment of yourself wrote Neff. Neff outlines three key components of self-compassion: self-kindness, common humanity, and mindfulness.

    • Self-kindness v. self-judgment: Self-compassion entails being warm and understanding toward ourselves when we suffer, fail, or feel inadequate, rather than ignoring our pain or flagging ourselves with self-criticism.
    • Common humanity v. isolation: self-compassion involves recognizing that suffering and personal inadequacy is part of the shared human experience – something that we all go through rather than being something that happens to “me” alone.
    • Mindfulness v. over-identification: Self-compassion also requires taking a balanced approach to our negative emotions so that feelings are neither suppressed nor exaggerated. The goal is to use mindfulness to observe thoughts and feelings as they are without trying to suppress or deny them.

    As Neff points out, we cannot ignore our pain and feel compassion for it at the same time. Self-compassion is not a new concept. Buddhism’s core value of importance is compassion. It was Neff’s introduction to Buddhism during her Ph.D. dissertation process that led her to start researching self-compassion.

     In Buddhism, compassion, often translated as karuna (Sanskrit) or karuna (Pali), is a core concept, representing a strong wish for others to be free from suffering and to experience happiness, rooted in the interconnectedness and equality of all beings. 

    “By feeling compassion for others, our own suffering becomes manageable,” His Holiness the Dalai Lama has written in his teachings on compassion. This practice of cultivating compassion is not limited to Buddhist practitioners — it is seen as a universal quality that can be developed by anyone.

    There is a relentless pursuit of being above average to feel good about ourselves, wrote Neff in her book, Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself.

    “If you are continually judging and criticizing yourself while trying to be kind to others, you are drawing artificial boundaries and distinctions that only lead to feelings of separation and isolation, “wrote Neff.

    Neff’s work has made a significant impact and led to further research and awareness of self-compassion. She co-created a mindful self-compassion program with Chris Germer, as well as a new type of therapy called Compassion Focused Therapy (CFT) which has gained popularity in recent years in addressing mental health difficulties.

    As part of the mindful self-compassion program that she co-created Neff has outlined the pillars of self-compassion: mindfulness, common humanity, self-kindness, and reaching out for support.

    Practicing self-compassion can reduce negative self-talk and improve emotional resilience and well-being wrote Psychologist Catherine Moore.

    In a study led by Hiroki Hirano, researchers highlighted the following:

    • Higher self-esteem and self-compassion were associated with greater affect. Higher self-esteem and self-compassion were linked to lower negative effects and stress.
    • Higher self-esteem and self-compassion were related to greater use of adaptive coping.
    • The utility of self-esteem and self-compassion varied across cultures.

    Writer Elaine Mead points out that People are often good at demonstrating compassion for others, but not so much for the self. Self-compassion can be an incredibly tricky process to fully adopt. Where mindfulness can feel like self-care, self-compassion can often be mixed up with feelings of self-indulgence.”

    I work on being kinder and more compassionate to myself. I ask you to do the same. I will end with this:

     “You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.” – Buddha

    Resources:

    Image retrieved on 5/6/2025 from <a href=”https://www.freepik.com/free-vector/flat-design-compliment-illustration_38729151.htm”>Image by freepik</a>

    Germer, Chris. “Loving Kindness for Ourselves.” Guided mindfulness (20 minutes in length). Retrieved on 4/7/2025 from https://chrisgermer.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/01/Loving-KindnessforOurselves20.41ckgamplified12-14-14.mp3

    Hirano, Hiroki, Keiko Ishii, and Maaya Sato. “Exploring the Influence of self-esteem and self-compassion on daily psychological health: Insights from the experience sampling method.” Retrieved on 5/4/2025 from https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0191886925001023#:~:text=Specifically%2C%20individuals%20high%20in%20self,on%20daily%20stress%20management%20strategies.

    “What is Compassion?” Lionsroar.com Retrieved on 4/7/2025 from https://www.lionsroar.com/buddhism/compassion-karuna/

    Mead, Elaine, BSc. “What is Mindful Self-Compassion?” Positive Psychology.com 6/1/2019. Retrieved on 4/7/2025 from https://positivepsychology.com/mindful-self-compassion/#:~:text=Research%20Connecting%20Mindfulness%20and%20Self%2DCompassion&text=Key%20studies%20connecting%20mindfulness%20and,1%2Dyear%20follow%2Dups

    Moore, Catherine, MBA. “How to Practice Self-Compassion: 8 Techniques and Tips.” 6/2/2019. Retrieved on 4/16/2025 from How to Practice Self-Compassion: 8 Techniques and Tips

    Neff, Ph.D., Kristin. Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself. William Morrow. New York, NY. ©2011

    Neff, Ph.D., Kristin. Self-Compassion.org. Retrieved on 5/3/2025 from https://self-compassion.org/what-is-self-compassion/

  • How Your Blind Spots Can Deter Your Career

    May 3, 2025

    Blind spots are personal traits or aspects we demonstrate, but are not aware of. If the traits appear as weaknesses, they can then limit the way we react, behave, or believe that could limit our effectiveness. These blind spots can negatively impact career advancement and overall professional success.

    Cynthia Orduna of Career Minds describes a professional blind spot to an area of leadership or personal behavior that an individual is unaware of, which negatively impacts their work effectiveness. She adds, these blind spots can stem from deeply ingrained habits, biases, or perspectives that can go unchallenged.

    According to leadership coach Ramonda Shaw, there are nine core blind spots:

    • avoiding conflict,
    • being a “know it all”
    • blaming others or circumstances
    • underestimating workload
    • ignoring feedback
    • not truly listening
    • being insensitive
    • conspiring against others/playing favorites
    • driven by personal agenda

    Writer Erica Lamberg points out workers are faced with career blind spots that can catch them by surprise. 

    Examples of blind spots in the workplace:

    If you avoid conflict and hesitate to address uncomfortable situations, this can lead to unresolved issues and damage work relationships. If you refuse to take responsibility for your actions or mistakes, including constructive feedback, you are risking your personal growth and development. It can hinder the progress that you could be making in your job.

    Leadership Strategist Sara Canaday states that we all have blind spots.  The only way to identify them is to ask someone has a different perspective. Select someone that will be honest enough to tell us the truth about ourselves.

    If you take on a project without understanding the full extent of its requirements and complexity, then you could miss deadlines. If you do not ask for help, this could add to the trouble that leads to miscommunication and frustration.

    It’s not just workers that show blind spots, according to Orduna.  Even seasoned leaders can have blind spots. These blind spots can cause a misalignment with their perceptions and actions with reality. It does not just affect the leader’s growth, but also impacts team dynamics and overall organizational success.

    In what ways can blind spots impact a leader?

    The leader could excel at functional tasks like technology or accounting, but falls short of building relationships. The person could have a detached personality and show little, if any, emotion. In fact, internally, the person may look down on others who show emotion in the workplace. Leaders who lack empathy and sensitivity hurt their team.

    A leader micromanages by constant supervision that could stifle creativity and demotivate their employees. The employees may feel that they are not trusted to do their jobs. Who wants a leader that is constantly looking over our shoulders?

    A leader could use direct or blunt communication that they may believe is efficient and clear. Yet, the style of communication is actually harsh and insensitive. The team could become demoralized or feel disrespected. Here, the work environment would become toxic.

    What if this same leader sees themselves as approachable, but then dismisses feedback from their team? Eventually, team members may become frustrated, then stop sharing ideas and their concerns.

    The leader that gives the top, high visibility projects to certain team members only, this can cause resentment among the rest of the team. Who wants to feel overlooked and undervalued?

    Being unaware of how you come across or are perceived could lead to miscommunication and misunderstandings. It is important to be aware of and understand various perspectives of co-workers. Being insensitive to how your behavior impacts a teammate could damage relationships and morale.

    “As in many areas of our lives,” wrote author K. Scott Griffith,  “blind spots are everywhere, often hiding in plain sight.”

    Remember, we will have blind spots. If you can become aware of them, understand them, then learn to manage them, you can grow. First, we have to look in the mirror and assess ourselves. One of the things that I learned as a leader and club officer in my Toastmasters club is to conduct a 360-degree assessment of my skill set, communication skills, and other traits. It is part of the Toastmasters International leadership development process. It allows members and fellow club officers to gain a better understanding of their strengths and areas for improvement. Take the time to create a plan to improve. Invite someone who knows you well, will be honest with you, and become your accountability partner. This will help you stay on course.  Don’t let blind spots deter your success.

    Resources:

    Image retrieved on 5/3/2025 from <a href=”https://www.freepik.com/free-vector/strict-boss-concept-illustration_40467506.htm”>Image by storyset on Freepik</a>

    Canaday, Sara. “Are Your Blind Spots Killing Your Career?” 4/7/2014. Retrieved on 4/24/2025 from https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/20140407232101-15105969-are-your-your-blind-spots-killing-your-career/

    Griffith, K. Scott. The Leader’s Guide to Managing Risk: A Proven Method to Build Resilience and Reliability. Harper Collins Leadership. ©November 2023.

    Lamberg, Erica. “These career blind spots could be holding you back at work.” Fox Business. Retrieved on 4/27/2025 from https://www.foxbusiness.com/lifestyle/career-blind-spots-could-be-holding-you-back-work-gain-control-author

    Longnecker, Clinton O. and Robert D. Yonker. “Leadership Blind Spots in Rapidly Changing Organizations.   Retrieved on 4/24/2025 from https://www.iise.org/details.aspx?id=44285

    MacGregor, Basis. “5 Top Leadership Blind Spots That Are Killing Your Performance.” 9/20/2019. Retrieved on 4/24/2025 from https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/5-top-leadership-blind-spots-killing-your-performance/.

    Orduna, Cynthia. “Leadership Blind Spots: What They Are and How to Fix Them.” 9/19/2024. Retrieved 4/24/2025 from https://careerminds.com/blog/leadership-blind-spots#:~:text=A%20professional%20blind%20spot%20is,missed%20opportunities%20in%20the%20workplace

    Shaw, Ramona. “9 Common Blind Spots That Plague Even the Best Leaders.” Retrieved on 4/27/2025 from https://www.ramonashaw.com/9-common-blind-spots-that-plague-even-the-best-leaders/

    Toastmasters International. Club Officer 360 Degree Evaluation. Retrieved on 4/27/2025 from https://www.toastmasters.org/resources/club-officer-360-degree-evaluation

    Vozza, Stephanie. “How to Recognize Your Blind Spots Before They Derail Your Career.” 10/16/2017. Retrieved on 4/24/2025 from https://www.fastcompany.com/40477399/how-to-recognize-your-blind-spots-before-they-derail-your-career

  • You Do not Know What You Do Not Know: Missing Our Flaws

    April 29, 2025

    Over the last several weeks, I shared how several factors, such as unconscious biases, defense mechanisms, emotional repression, lack of self-awareness, and cognitive dissonance, can cause personal blind spots. Over the next few weeks, I will focus on the distinct types of blind spots. This week…relationships.

    Do you have a topic of conversation that ends up bickering at each other? Do you roll your eyes when your spouse mentions a topic that you want to discuss? Your spouse stonewalls you about finances? You get a knot in your stomach when you hear, “we need to talk.”

    It may come easily to recognize behavioral flaws in someone else, particularly a spouse. But it is extremely hard to see flaws and behaviors in ourselves. When our flaws go unrecognized by us, we can harm our relationships with our loved ones, family members, and friends. If we ignore these potential issues, it can lead to miscommunication, misinterpretation, and conflicts.

    Blind spots are like unhealthy habits, they can be difficult to see or notice because they are so ingrained in us. It is important to discover them as they can have a lasting impact on our relationships.

    “We all have our relationships blind spots. And many times, our blind spots are a result of past hurts or experiences in our life. “Wrote Dr. Morgan Cutlip, relationships therapist and founder of the website, My Love Thinks.

    Psychologist Dee Tozer shared examples of relationship blind spots:

    • Idealizing your partner — overlooking flaws or negative traits. Romanticizing expectations.
    • Unresolved trauma — reacting emotionally in ways that are influenced by past hurts but not having a conscious awareness of doing so.
    • Loss of respect — Engage in criticism or disrespectful behaviors without realizing the impact on the other person.
    • Control issues — the need to dominate or control the relationship without reciprocity.
    • Lack of emotional awareness — not recognizing or understanding your own emotions or emotions of your partner or spouse.
    • Avoiding difficult conversations — Shying away from conflict or important discussions, even when it is necessary.
    • Arrogance or stonewalling — Refusing to listen, engage in conversations or address issues with your partner.
    • Lost sexual attraction — Not trying to rekindle intimacy and closeness then not noticing the impact on your relationship.
    • Loss of time devotion — Becoming preoccupied with other aspects of life, like work, hobbies, or family at the expense of your partner and relationship.

    “Blind spots are very damaging to relationships and can destroy your peace of mind, your self-esteem,” noted Tozer. Fortunately, finding a right form of coaching or counseling can bring insight to the blind spots and can help with relationship repair.

    Writer Amy Beecham wrote that knowing our blind spots can help us commit more carefully and have healthier partnerships. Whether you are judging yourself or someone else’s, it is true that identifying blind spots in relationships can be an arduous process. 

    How do you recognize a blind spot in your relationship? In most cases, getting an outside perspective such as a relationship coach or therapist to accurately identify any blind spots helps. Once a blind spot is identified, the next step is acting.

    Sit down with your partner or spouse to have an open and honest conversation about the blind spots that have been identified. Approach the discussion in a non-judgmental way. Listen to each other’s perspectives. When either of you notices the blind spots showing up, pause and acknowledge it. If you stay conscious of the situation, you will be better able to manage your reactions.

    Writer Angela Bisignano, Ph.D., wrote there are three key questions to ask yourself that can help shed light on blind spots.

    1. What kind of persona am I becoming?
    2. How is your communication style impacting your spouse?
    3. Are you exercising clear boundaries in your marriage?

    Other suggestions include reviewing your past relationships to evaluate and understand, plus seeking out any biases and behaviors that you have that could cloud your perspective. Ask your partner what they heard.  Ask them what prompted their behavior. Be attentive to non-verbal behaviors, a look, eye roll, arms crossing, change in breathing, etc.

    Author, researcher, and psychologist John M Gottman, Ph.D. wrote that how we connect emotionally impacts the success or failure of a relationship. Gottman has written over forty books about relationships. Gottman’s work has influenced the direction of couple’s therapy.

    In a video from the Gottman Institute, Dr. Gottman said you can really build romance, passion, and lasting love. It is a choice to really cherish your partner if your partner is really the right person for you. You have actively cherished your partner’s positive qualities. Think how fortunate you are to have this person in your life. Let them know that they are really that special. If both people do that for one another, that relationship can last.

    Cutlip stated that getting past your blind spots does not always require professional help, it does require commitment to new behaviors and empowering yourself with the latest information.

    “Love is not about how many days, months, or years you have been together. It’s about how much you love each other every single day.” –Unknown author.

    Resources:

    Image retrieved on 4/28/2025 from <a href=”https://www.freepik.com/free-vector/hand-drawn-people-talking-phone-illustration_33602535.htm”>Image by freepik</a>

    Beecham, Amy. “Relationship Blind Spots: How to tell if yours has one and what to do about it.” July 2024.Retrieved on 4/11/2025 from https://www.stylist.co.uk/relationships/relationship-blind-spots/748332

    Bisignano, Ph.D., Angela. “Shedding Ligh on Blind Spots: Secrets to Improving Your Marriage.” GoodTherapy.org. 8/8/2017. Retrieved on 4/11/2025 from https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/shedding-light-on-blind-spots-secrets-to-improving-your-marriage

    California Learning Resource Network (CLRN) “What is a blind spot in psychology?” 11/18/2024. Retrieved on 3/12/2025 from What is a blind spot in psychology? –

    Cutlip, Ph.D. Morgan. “Are you Sabotaging Your Relationships?” Retrieved on 4/11/2025 from https://www.mylovethinks.com/are-you-sabotaging-your-relationships-blind-spot-2/

    Gottman, Ph.D. John and Joan DeClaire. The Relationship Cure: A 5 Step Guide to Strengthening Your Marriage, Family, and Friendships. Harmony. ©2002.

    Gottman, Ph.D. John. “Most Important Take Away/What Makes Love Last.” The Gottman Institute. 8/27/2012. Retrieved on 4/11/2025 from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rgWnadSi91s

    Seltzer, Ph.D. Leon F. “Relationships: 10 Ways Someone Can Land in a Partner’s Blind Spot.” 7/3/2023. Retrieved on 4/11/2025 from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/evolution-of-the-self/202305/might-your-partner-be-in-your-blind-spot-10-possibilities

    Tozer, Dee. “Relationships Blind Spots: What You Cannot See That’s Ruining Your Marriage.” 4/21/2022. Retrieved on 4/11/2025 from https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/relationship-blindspots-what-you-cannot-see-thats-ruining-dee-tozer/

  • Being Nice is Different from Being Kind

    4/23/2025

    Contrary to popular opinion, kindness is not synonymous with niceness. Those words often are interchanged, or their meanings are meshed. While both involve positive interactions with others, kindness is understood to be a deeper, more genuine expression of care and concern, while niceness is more about being polite and agreeable. 

    Kindness is defined by Oxford Dictionary as the quality of being friendly, generous, and considerate. Synonyms for kindness are affection, altruism, benevolence, cordiality, graciousness, unselfishness. A person that is motivated to be kind is rooted in empathy, compassion, and a genuine desire to help others. 

    “Kindness means recognizing the full humanity of another person,” wrote author Arthur Dobrin, DSW.

    On the other hand, the Oxford Dictionary defines niceness as a person who has a pleasant manner, is agreeable, and good natured. Niceness has also been defined as having a courteous manner that respects social usage. Some synonyms for niceness are friendliness, charm, amiability, affability, and decency. A person who is motivated to be nice is often driven by social expectations, a desire to be liked, or a fear of causing discomfort. 

    Writer Hannah Braim wrote that empathy is the ability to understand someone else’s situation, experience, feelings, and behaviors.  Empathy is the foundation of this concern.

    Take a moment to be kind. Taking time to help others is kindness. For example, you can give up a seat on the bus, train, or subway. You pay for someone’s coffee. You can create a card and send it to a relative, telling them you are thinking of them. You can offer a person your time to listen to them. You can encourage others with your words and actions.

    According to Thesaurus.com, niceness is often expressed through words or gestures, while kindnessis often expressed through acts.

    How do psychologists define kindness? According to the American Psychological Association (APA), kindness is a “benevolent and helpful action intentionally directed toward another person.” The motivation behind kindness is often considered to be the desire to improve the person’s well-being — rather than to help someone to gain some type of reward or avoid punishment, according to APA.

    The core difference lies in the underlying motivations and intentions. Niceness is often a means to an end, such as gaining approval or avoiding conflict, while kindness is the end itself, driven by a genuine desire to help others.

    Being kind by helping others also helps you as a giver. Being kind improves mood and self-esteem and can give the givers a sense of purpose. It can lead to a sense of belonging and connection with others according to New Jersey City University.

    I read a story about a doctor who attended a mindfulness retreat many years ago with certain expectations. Dr. Jeffrey Brantley started doing the Loving-Kindness meditation practice of directing kindness to others. Initially, he felt an aversion to the task. He judged the instructors a bit, wondering why loving-kindness had anything to do with meditation.

    Yet, after a week, he noticed a change in himself. He learned that trying to practice mindfulness, where you let your thoughts pass through your mind without attaching judgment to them, did require kindness. Over time, he felt less judgmental, he was able to cultivate kindness, and it improved his mood, helped with anger, and helped during difficult interactions.

    Following this experience, Brantley founded and directed the Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction Program at Duke Integrative Medicine, then spent decades as a psychiatrist, specializing in meditation, including loving-kindness. Brantley realized that cultivating warmth toward others and yourself (self-compassion) has many benefits to our health.

    I am going to challenge myself to do this Loving-Kindness meditation each day. Take time to sit quietly, and as you sit, wish people well.  This includes loved ones, strangers, difficult people, and yourself. You begin each daily session thinking of others, using phrases like “may they be happy,” “may they be healthy,” and “may they find peace.”

    The Mental Health Foundation in the U.K. pointed out that by taking the time to be kind to others, we can benefit from emotional upsides. It really does are effective, especially for people who are vulnerable or struggling.

    Allan Luks, researcher, has researched the phenomenon called the “Helper’s High” over many years. Research has shown that after helping someone, the helper’s body releases endorphins. This creates a rush of elation, followed by a period of calm. Luks has found evidence that a helper can even re-experience this high just by remembering their altruistic acts – even long after they take place.

    Kindness has health benefits:

    • Kindness buffers stress
    • Kindness is good for your mental health.
    • Kindness is good for your heart.
    • Kindness increases longevity.

    “For many people,” said Dr. Brantley, especially those who beat themselves about things-the hardest person to be kind to is yourself. However, cultivating a kindness practice directly outwardly toward others, can eventually begin to direct more kindness inwardly.

    I strive to be kind. We can find a way to show kindness to others in our words and actions. Kindness can start with the individual and it can start with you and me. Research in one study stated that expressing gratitude toward someone else can be an effective way to kickstart your own kindness efforts.

    Resources:

    Image Retrieved on 4/23/2025 from <a href=”https://www.freepik.com/free-photo/volunteers-teaming-up-organize-donations-charity_21535426.htm”>Image by freepik</a>

    Braim, Hannah. “Being ‘Kind’ Isn’t the Same as Being ‘Nice’”. 1/6/2018. Medium.com Retrieved on 4/12/2025 fromhttps://medium.com/@hannahbraime/being-kind-isn-t-the-same-as-being-nice-

    Dobrin, DSW, Arthur. “Forget Niceness—Just Be Kind.” 10/1/2022.Retrieved on 4/12/2025 from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/am-i-right/202212/forget-niceness-just-be-kind

    Hirsch, Michele Lent, Jessica Migala. “All About Kindness: Definition, Health Benefits, and How to Be a Kinder Person.” Everyday Health. 12/15/2022. Retrieved on 4/18/2025 from https://www.everydayhealth.com/emotional-health/all-about-kindness/#:~:text=Another%20paper%20in%20the%20Journal,others%20when%20it%20enhances%20your

    Mental Health Foundation. “Kindness Matters Guide.” Retrieved on 4/18/2025 from https://www.mentalhealth.org.uk/explore-mental-health/kindness/kindness-matters-guide

    New Jersey City University. “How Helping Others Benefits You!” Retrieved on 4/18/2025 from https://www.njcu.edu/student-life/campus-services-resources/counseling-center/additional-resources/articles/how-helping-others-benefits-you

    Thesaurus.com “Nice Vs. Kind: A Helpful Guide to The Difference”. 5/2/2023. Retrieved on 4/12/2025 from https://www.thesaurus.com/e/grammar/nice-vs-kind/