Curious and Creative

Tag: love

  • Unbecoming Everything That You Are Not (Finding Your Purpose, Part 3)

    August 3, 2025

    Have you taken on tasks, style, characteristics, perspectives, or personal narratives, to fit in with others’ ideas about you and society, but it really isn’t you?

    In the last two blog posts, I shared information about ways and options to find your purpose in life. But what if what we have become is not truly us? What if we have become were to fit in with a group of people? Who we are now is blocking us from finding our true purpose?

    “Maybe the journey isn’t about becoming anything,” wrote Paulo Coelho, Brazilian novelist and lyricist. “Maybe it’s about unbecoming everything that isn’t really you, so you can be who you were meant to be in the first place.”

    I have struggled at times to become someone else, in order to fit in. I felt like an outsider at times in school. I felt a little bit like that in college until I joined a sorority where I could be me and warmly accepted. I then felt I belonged. I even have felt that way as an adult, wanting to make friends. I realized, I was showing less of who I really was to fit in. It was uncomfortable and at times agonizing.

    A big part of finding our purpose is to understand who we really are and align it with our values. I realized along this bumpy road, that being authentic was more important than my desire to fit in. Even at the age of 58, I am still unbecoming everything that I am not.

    Today, I came across a YouTube video short by young person named Shawn Khoe. He shared that too many teenagers and college students feel pressure to be someone that they are not. They may start dressing a certain way or acting in a different way to fit in.  He was concerned that these individuals did not have self esteem, worth, or love for themselves.

    “You shouldn’t force yourself to become someone you’re not just to fit in with others,” stated Shawn Khoe.

    I do not think the idea of fitting in or pressure to fit in subsides as an adult.  It is just a bigger and different playing field. Think of your idea of success compared to society’s or a peer group’s view of success: where you need to be on the career ladder, perhaps the material items you own, etc. After that, you maybe chasing something that does not make you fulfilled. Perhaps that is why you are seeking your purpose in life.

    “Life is not about you, life is about the life you touch,” wrote Neale Donald Walsch.

    I have learned a few things about cutting things out. As a photographer, I have spent time cropping out things in a photo to focus on the subject. I have also learned a few things in gardening.  Pruning is key to keep the plant or flower alive, well, and blooming. I have been focusing on subtracting things in my life. As a speaker, I use pauses to create anticipation.  As a writer, words that are not in the final piece are just as important as the words that remain. It is called editing.

    Author Jim Collins once said, “A great piece of art is composed not just of what is in the final piece, but equally important, what is not. It is the discipline to discard what does not fit — to cut out what might have already cost days or even years of effort — that distinguishes the truly exceptional artist and marks the ideal piece of work, be it a symphony, a novel, a painting, a company or, most important of all, a life.”

    From the teaching of Lao Tzu, “to attain knowledge, add things every day. To attain wisdom, subtract things everyday.“  It is not doing things is just as important as doing things.  I think this applies to our personal selves. Shed is what is not important on your journey i.e. habits, narratives, perspectives of who you are. Be more proactive in choosing what you take with you and what you do not take with you.

    Matthew E. May, author of The Laws of Subtraction: 6 Simple Rules for Winning in the Age of Excess Everything, suggests that you create a “not to do list” to accompany your “to do list.” Give careful thought to prioritizing your goals, projects, and tasks, then eliminate the bottom twenty percent of your list-forever. Secondly, ask family, friends, and associates who matter to you most-what would they like you to stop doing. You maybe surprised just how long that list is.

    In the pursuit of less is powerful, when you remove just the right things in just the right way, something good happens, wrote May.

    I think as I grow older, I have learned the importance of decluttering, editing, cropping, and curating what I have, what I want to be, and to become a more authentic me. This will indeed help me as I seek my purpose and strive to fulfill it.

    Resources:

    Image retrieved on 8/1/2025 from https://www.freepik.com/free-vector/hand-drawn-world-mental-health-day-with-woman_9666661.htm

    Ako, Cindy. “The Art of Unbecoming Anything That You Are Not You.” Video. 3/5/2021. Retrieved on 8/1/2025 from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rakh8iK5kUw

    Khoe, Shawn. “You Shouldn’t Force Yourself to Become Someone You’re Not Just to Fit In with Others.” Video. 3/2/2025. Retrieved on 8/1/2025 from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fl6IVZhvqVs

    May, Mathew E. “The Art of Adding by Taking Away.” New York Times. 1/19/2013. Retrieved on 8/1/2025 from https://www.nytimes.com/2013/01/20/jobs/matthew-may-on-the-art-of-adding-by-taking-away.html

  • You Do not Know What You Do Not Know: Missing Our Flaws

    April 29, 2025

    Over the last several weeks, I shared how several factors, such as unconscious biases, defense mechanisms, emotional repression, lack of self-awareness, and cognitive dissonance, can cause personal blind spots. Over the next few weeks, I will focus on the distinct types of blind spots. This week…relationships.

    Do you have a topic of conversation that ends up bickering at each other? Do you roll your eyes when your spouse mentions a topic that you want to discuss? Your spouse stonewalls you about finances? You get a knot in your stomach when you hear, “we need to talk.”

    It may come easily to recognize behavioral flaws in someone else, particularly a spouse. But it is extremely hard to see flaws and behaviors in ourselves. When our flaws go unrecognized by us, we can harm our relationships with our loved ones, family members, and friends. If we ignore these potential issues, it can lead to miscommunication, misinterpretation, and conflicts.

    Blind spots are like unhealthy habits, they can be difficult to see or notice because they are so ingrained in us. It is important to discover them as they can have a lasting impact on our relationships.

    “We all have our relationships blind spots. And many times, our blind spots are a result of past hurts or experiences in our life. “Wrote Dr. Morgan Cutlip, relationships therapist and founder of the website, My Love Thinks.

    Psychologist Dee Tozer shared examples of relationship blind spots:

    • Idealizing your partner — overlooking flaws or negative traits. Romanticizing expectations.
    • Unresolved trauma — reacting emotionally in ways that are influenced by past hurts but not having a conscious awareness of doing so.
    • Loss of respect — Engage in criticism or disrespectful behaviors without realizing the impact on the other person.
    • Control issues — the need to dominate or control the relationship without reciprocity.
    • Lack of emotional awareness — not recognizing or understanding your own emotions or emotions of your partner or spouse.
    • Avoiding difficult conversations — Shying away from conflict or important discussions, even when it is necessary.
    • Arrogance or stonewalling — Refusing to listen, engage in conversations or address issues with your partner.
    • Lost sexual attraction — Not trying to rekindle intimacy and closeness then not noticing the impact on your relationship.
    • Loss of time devotion — Becoming preoccupied with other aspects of life, like work, hobbies, or family at the expense of your partner and relationship.

    “Blind spots are very damaging to relationships and can destroy your peace of mind, your self-esteem,” noted Tozer. Fortunately, finding a right form of coaching or counseling can bring insight to the blind spots and can help with relationship repair.

    Writer Amy Beecham wrote that knowing our blind spots can help us commit more carefully and have healthier partnerships. Whether you are judging yourself or someone else’s, it is true that identifying blind spots in relationships can be an arduous process. 

    How do you recognize a blind spot in your relationship? In most cases, getting an outside perspective such as a relationship coach or therapist to accurately identify any blind spots helps. Once a blind spot is identified, the next step is acting.

    Sit down with your partner or spouse to have an open and honest conversation about the blind spots that have been identified. Approach the discussion in a non-judgmental way. Listen to each other’s perspectives. When either of you notices the blind spots showing up, pause and acknowledge it. If you stay conscious of the situation, you will be better able to manage your reactions.

    Writer Angela Bisignano, Ph.D., wrote there are three key questions to ask yourself that can help shed light on blind spots.

    1. What kind of persona am I becoming?
    2. How is your communication style impacting your spouse?
    3. Are you exercising clear boundaries in your marriage?

    Other suggestions include reviewing your past relationships to evaluate and understand, plus seeking out any biases and behaviors that you have that could cloud your perspective. Ask your partner what they heard.  Ask them what prompted their behavior. Be attentive to non-verbal behaviors, a look, eye roll, arms crossing, change in breathing, etc.

    Author, researcher, and psychologist John M Gottman, Ph.D. wrote that how we connect emotionally impacts the success or failure of a relationship. Gottman has written over forty books about relationships. Gottman’s work has influenced the direction of couple’s therapy.

    In a video from the Gottman Institute, Dr. Gottman said you can really build romance, passion, and lasting love. It is a choice to really cherish your partner if your partner is really the right person for you. You have actively cherished your partner’s positive qualities. Think how fortunate you are to have this person in your life. Let them know that they are really that special. If both people do that for one another, that relationship can last.

    Cutlip stated that getting past your blind spots does not always require professional help, it does require commitment to new behaviors and empowering yourself with the latest information.

    “Love is not about how many days, months, or years you have been together. It’s about how much you love each other every single day.” –Unknown author.

    Resources:

    Image retrieved on 4/28/2025 from <a href=”https://www.freepik.com/free-vector/hand-drawn-people-talking-phone-illustration_33602535.htm”>Image by freepik</a>

    Beecham, Amy. “Relationship Blind Spots: How to tell if yours has one and what to do about it.” July 2024.Retrieved on 4/11/2025 from https://www.stylist.co.uk/relationships/relationship-blind-spots/748332

    Bisignano, Ph.D., Angela. “Shedding Ligh on Blind Spots: Secrets to Improving Your Marriage.” GoodTherapy.org. 8/8/2017. Retrieved on 4/11/2025 from https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/shedding-light-on-blind-spots-secrets-to-improving-your-marriage

    California Learning Resource Network (CLRN) “What is a blind spot in psychology?” 11/18/2024. Retrieved on 3/12/2025 from What is a blind spot in psychology? –

    Cutlip, Ph.D. Morgan. “Are you Sabotaging Your Relationships?” Retrieved on 4/11/2025 from https://www.mylovethinks.com/are-you-sabotaging-your-relationships-blind-spot-2/

    Gottman, Ph.D. John and Joan DeClaire. The Relationship Cure: A 5 Step Guide to Strengthening Your Marriage, Family, and Friendships. Harmony. ©2002.

    Gottman, Ph.D. John. “Most Important Take Away/What Makes Love Last.” The Gottman Institute. 8/27/2012. Retrieved on 4/11/2025 from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rgWnadSi91s

    Seltzer, Ph.D. Leon F. “Relationships: 10 Ways Someone Can Land in a Partner’s Blind Spot.” 7/3/2023. Retrieved on 4/11/2025 from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/evolution-of-the-self/202305/might-your-partner-be-in-your-blind-spot-10-possibilities

    Tozer, Dee. “Relationships Blind Spots: What You Cannot See That’s Ruining Your Marriage.” 4/21/2022. Retrieved on 4/11/2025 from https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/relationship-blindspots-what-you-cannot-see-thats-ruining-dee-tozer/

  • Being Nice is Different from Being Kind

    4/23/2025

    Contrary to popular opinion, kindness is not synonymous with niceness. Those words often are interchanged, or their meanings are meshed. While both involve positive interactions with others, kindness is understood to be a deeper, more genuine expression of care and concern, while niceness is more about being polite and agreeable. 

    Kindness is defined by Oxford Dictionary as the quality of being friendly, generous, and considerate. Synonyms for kindness are affection, altruism, benevolence, cordiality, graciousness, unselfishness. A person that is motivated to be kind is rooted in empathy, compassion, and a genuine desire to help others. 

    “Kindness means recognizing the full humanity of another person,” wrote author Arthur Dobrin, DSW.

    On the other hand, the Oxford Dictionary defines niceness as a person who has a pleasant manner, is agreeable, and good natured. Niceness has also been defined as having a courteous manner that respects social usage. Some synonyms for niceness are friendliness, charm, amiability, affability, and decency. A person who is motivated to be nice is often driven by social expectations, a desire to be liked, or a fear of causing discomfort. 

    Writer Hannah Braim wrote that empathy is the ability to understand someone else’s situation, experience, feelings, and behaviors.  Empathy is the foundation of this concern.

    Take a moment to be kind. Taking time to help others is kindness. For example, you can give up a seat on the bus, train, or subway. You pay for someone’s coffee. You can create a card and send it to a relative, telling them you are thinking of them. You can offer a person your time to listen to them. You can encourage others with your words and actions.

    According to Thesaurus.com, niceness is often expressed through words or gestures, while kindnessis often expressed through acts.

    How do psychologists define kindness? According to the American Psychological Association (APA), kindness is a “benevolent and helpful action intentionally directed toward another person.” The motivation behind kindness is often considered to be the desire to improve the person’s well-being — rather than to help someone to gain some type of reward or avoid punishment, according to APA.

    The core difference lies in the underlying motivations and intentions. Niceness is often a means to an end, such as gaining approval or avoiding conflict, while kindness is the end itself, driven by a genuine desire to help others.

    Being kind by helping others also helps you as a giver. Being kind improves mood and self-esteem and can give the givers a sense of purpose. It can lead to a sense of belonging and connection with others according to New Jersey City University.

    I read a story about a doctor who attended a mindfulness retreat many years ago with certain expectations. Dr. Jeffrey Brantley started doing the Loving-Kindness meditation practice of directing kindness to others. Initially, he felt an aversion to the task. He judged the instructors a bit, wondering why loving-kindness had anything to do with meditation.

    Yet, after a week, he noticed a change in himself. He learned that trying to practice mindfulness, where you let your thoughts pass through your mind without attaching judgment to them, did require kindness. Over time, he felt less judgmental, he was able to cultivate kindness, and it improved his mood, helped with anger, and helped during difficult interactions.

    Following this experience, Brantley founded and directed the Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction Program at Duke Integrative Medicine, then spent decades as a psychiatrist, specializing in meditation, including loving-kindness. Brantley realized that cultivating warmth toward others and yourself (self-compassion) has many benefits to our health.

    I am going to challenge myself to do this Loving-Kindness meditation each day. Take time to sit quietly, and as you sit, wish people well.  This includes loved ones, strangers, difficult people, and yourself. You begin each daily session thinking of others, using phrases like “may they be happy,” “may they be healthy,” and “may they find peace.”

    The Mental Health Foundation in the U.K. pointed out that by taking the time to be kind to others, we can benefit from emotional upsides. It really does are effective, especially for people who are vulnerable or struggling.

    Allan Luks, researcher, has researched the phenomenon called the “Helper’s High” over many years. Research has shown that after helping someone, the helper’s body releases endorphins. This creates a rush of elation, followed by a period of calm. Luks has found evidence that a helper can even re-experience this high just by remembering their altruistic acts – even long after they take place.

    Kindness has health benefits:

    • Kindness buffers stress
    • Kindness is good for your mental health.
    • Kindness is good for your heart.
    • Kindness increases longevity.

    “For many people,” said Dr. Brantley, especially those who beat themselves about things-the hardest person to be kind to is yourself. However, cultivating a kindness practice directly outwardly toward others, can eventually begin to direct more kindness inwardly.

    I strive to be kind. We can find a way to show kindness to others in our words and actions. Kindness can start with the individual and it can start with you and me. Research in one study stated that expressing gratitude toward someone else can be an effective way to kickstart your own kindness efforts.

    Resources:

    Image Retrieved on 4/23/2025 from <a href=”https://www.freepik.com/free-photo/volunteers-teaming-up-organize-donations-charity_21535426.htm”>Image by freepik</a>

    Braim, Hannah. “Being ‘Kind’ Isn’t the Same as Being ‘Nice’”. 1/6/2018. Medium.com Retrieved on 4/12/2025 fromhttps://medium.com/@hannahbraime/being-kind-isn-t-the-same-as-being-nice-

    Dobrin, DSW, Arthur. “Forget Niceness—Just Be Kind.” 10/1/2022.Retrieved on 4/12/2025 from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/am-i-right/202212/forget-niceness-just-be-kind

    Hirsch, Michele Lent, Jessica Migala. “All About Kindness: Definition, Health Benefits, and How to Be a Kinder Person.” Everyday Health. 12/15/2022. Retrieved on 4/18/2025 from https://www.everydayhealth.com/emotional-health/all-about-kindness/#:~:text=Another%20paper%20in%20the%20Journal,others%20when%20it%20enhances%20your

    Mental Health Foundation. “Kindness Matters Guide.” Retrieved on 4/18/2025 from https://www.mentalhealth.org.uk/explore-mental-health/kindness/kindness-matters-guide

    New Jersey City University. “How Helping Others Benefits You!” Retrieved on 4/18/2025 from https://www.njcu.edu/student-life/campus-services-resources/counseling-center/additional-resources/articles/how-helping-others-benefits-you

    Thesaurus.com “Nice Vs. Kind: A Helpful Guide to The Difference”. 5/2/2023. Retrieved on 4/12/2025 from https://www.thesaurus.com/e/grammar/nice-vs-kind/