marriage – Curious and Creative

April 29, 2025

Over the last several weeks, I shared how several factors, such as unconscious biases, defense mechanisms, emotional repression, lack of self-awareness, and cognitive dissonance, can cause personal blind spots. Over the next few weeks, I will focus on the distinct types of blind spots. This week…relationships.

Do you have a topic of conversation that ends up bickering at each other? Do you roll your eyes when your spouse mentions a topic that you want to discuss? Your spouse stonewalls you about finances? You get a knot in your stomach when you hear, “we need to talk.”

It may come easily to recognize behavioral flaws in someone else, particularly a spouse. But it is extremely hard to see flaws and behaviors in ourselves. When our flaws go unrecognized by us, we can harm our relationships with our loved ones, family members, and friends. If we ignore these potential issues, it can lead to miscommunication, misinterpretation, and conflicts.

Blind spots are like unhealthy habits, they can be difficult to see or notice because they are so ingrained in us. It is important to discover them as they can have a lasting impact on our relationships.

“We all have our relationships blind spots. And many times, our blind spots are a result of past hurts or experiences in our life. “Wrote Dr. Morgan Cutlip, relationships therapist and founder of the website, My Love Thinks.

Psychologist Dee Tozer shared examples of relationship blind spots:

Idealizing your partner — overlooking flaws or negative traits. Romanticizing expectations.
Unresolved trauma — reacting emotionally in ways that are influenced by past hurts but not having a conscious awareness of doing so.
Loss of respect — Engage in criticism or disrespectful behaviors without realizing the impact on the other person.
Control issues — the need to dominate or control the relationship without reciprocity.
Lack of emotional awareness — not recognizing or understanding your own emotions or emotions of your partner or spouse.
Avoiding difficult conversations — Shying away from conflict or important discussions, even when it is necessary.
Arrogance or stonewalling — Refusing to listen, engage in conversations or address issues with your partner.
Lost sexual attraction — Not trying to rekindle intimacy and closeness then not noticing the impact on your relationship.
Loss of time devotion — Becoming preoccupied with other aspects of life, like work, hobbies, or family at the expense of your partner and relationship.

“Blind spots are very damaging to relationships and can destroy your peace of mind, your self-esteem,” noted Tozer. Fortunately, finding a right form of coaching or counseling can bring insight to the blind spots and can help with relationship repair.

Writer Amy Beecham wrote that knowing our blind spots can help us commit more carefully and have healthier partnerships. Whether you are judging yourself or someone else’s, it is true that identifying blind spots in relationships can be an arduous process.

How do you recognize a blind spot in your relationship? In most cases, getting an outside perspective such as a relationship coach or therapist to accurately identify any blind spots helps. Once a blind spot is identified, the next step is acting.

Sit down with your partner or spouse to have an open and honest conversation about the blind spots that have been identified. Approach the discussion in a non-judgmental way. Listen to each other’s perspectives. When either of you notices the blind spots showing up, pause and acknowledge it. If you stay conscious of the situation, you will be better able to manage your reactions.

Writer Angela Bisignano, Ph.D., wrote there are three key questions to ask yourself that can help shed light on blind spots.

What kind of persona am I becoming?
How is your communication style impacting your spouse?
Are you exercising clear boundaries in your marriage?

Other suggestions include reviewing your past relationships to evaluate and understand, plus seeking out any biases and behaviors that you have that could cloud your perspective. Ask your partner what they heard. Ask them what prompted their behavior. Be attentive to non-verbal behaviors, a look, eye roll, arms crossing, change in breathing, etc.

Author, researcher, and psychologist John M Gottman, Ph.D. wrote that how we connect emotionally impacts the success or failure of a relationship. Gottman has written over forty books about relationships. Gottman’s work has influenced the direction of couple’s therapy.

In a video from the Gottman Institute, Dr. Gottman said you can really build romance, passion, and lasting love. It is a choice to really cherish your partner if your partner is really the right person for you. You have actively cherished your partner’s positive qualities. Think how fortunate you are to have this person in your life. Let them know that they are really that special. If both people do that for one another, that relationship can last.

Cutlip stated that getting past your blind spots does not always require professional help, it does require commitment to new behaviors and empowering yourself with the latest information.

“Love is not about how many days, months, or years you have been together. It’s about how much you love each other every single day.” –Unknown author.

Resources:

Image retrieved on 4/28/2025 from <a href=”https://www.freepik.com/free-vector/hand-drawn-people-talking-phone-illustration_33602535.htm”>Image by freepik</a>

Beecham, Amy. “Relationship Blind Spots: How to tell if yours has one and what to do about it.” July 2024.Retrieved on 4/11/2025 from https://www.stylist.co.uk/relationships/relationship-blind-spots/748332

Bisignano, Ph.D., Angela. “Shedding Ligh on Blind Spots: Secrets to Improving Your Marriage.” GoodTherapy.org. 8/8/2017. Retrieved on 4/11/2025 from https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/shedding-light-on-blind-spots-secrets-to-improving-your-marriage

California Learning Resource Network (CLRN) “What is a blind spot in psychology?” 11/18/2024. Retrieved on 3/12/2025 from What is a blind spot in psychology? –

Cutlip, Ph.D. Morgan. “Are you Sabotaging Your Relationships?” Retrieved on 4/11/2025 from https://www.mylovethinks.com/are-you-sabotaging-your-relationships-blind-spot-2/

Gottman, Ph.D. John. “Most Important Take Away/What Makes Love Last.” The Gottman Institute. 8/27/2012. Retrieved on 4/11/2025 from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rgWnadSi91s

Seltzer, Ph.D. Leon F. “Relationships: 10 Ways Someone Can Land in a Partner’s Blind Spot.” 7/3/2023. Retrieved on 4/11/2025 from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/evolution-of-the-self/202305/might-your-partner-be-in-your-blind-spot-10-possibilities

Tozer, Dee. “Relationships Blind Spots: What You Cannot See That’s Ruining Your Marriage.” 4/21/2022. Retrieved on 4/11/2025 from https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/relationship-blindspots-what-you-cannot-see-thats-ruining-dee-tozer/

Tag: marriage

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