Curious and Creative

Tag: mental-health

  • When Holiday Time is not a Joyful Time

    12/24/2025

    “It is a Holly, Jolly Christmas; the best time of the year.”

    This song is often in the regular Christmas music rotation for the local radio station, and it is also on my personal Apple music playlist. This year, I was paying more attention to the lyrics of various songs that I had heard before. I often played my holiday music station on Pandora when I was researching and writing my blog.

    I know the words of holiday music are intended to lift spirits. Song lyrics speak of a season filled with joy, warmth, gratitude, and celebration. What if the holidays do not bring joy to yourself or to someone that you know? Many individuals can dread the holiday season as it is filled with stress, loneliness, grief, or emotional burnout.

    Psychologist Elizabeth A. Grill wrote that family dynamics, pressures, and struggles can be magnified during the holiday season.

    According to the Better Help Editorial team, the holidays can raise challenging feelings and create conflict. When left unaddressed, such stress can evolve into more serious health issues.

    Holidays over the years have been a mix of joy, stress, and sometimes loneliness. I did not always share my feelings with others as I did want to be a “wet blanket” on other’s holiday cheer. There have been many times that, by Christmas Day, I rolled around I was physically and mentally exhausted.

    In a Lifestance Health Survey, it found that seven out of ten respondents feel pressured to appear happier than they are during the holidays. More than half of the respondents feel lonely around the holidays, even when they are with loved ones. According to 57 percent of the respondents, holidays are stressful.

    I put a lot of pressure on myself to create the perfect and magical Christmas, and replicate happy experiences from my childhood for my own family. I have learned over the years, after my younger was diagnosed with autism spectrum disorder at age six, that the stress and demands of the holidays could turn daily life into a tailspin. Christmas gatherings were very overwhelming, and included lots of people, food, presents, and expectations. Sometimes, it did not turn out like a picture-perfect Christmas card –  not even close. Christmases were and are different.

    As my younger son grew into a teenager and now as young adult, I have worked hard to get his input on what he liked, loved, hated, or wanted to do without. I have worked hard this year to do weekly or even daily check-ins with him. How can I help? What does he need? In the process of trying to help him with the stresses of the holidays, I have helped myself.

    Chloe Bean is a somatic trauma therapist that specializes in anxiety and nervous system regulation.

    “A big reason mental health declines in December,” stated Bean,  “is because the nervous system gets pulled in many directions at once.”

    There are shorter days, increased social pressure, travel, financial stress, family roles and dynamics that reopen wounds, noted Bean.

    Some people experienced unhealthy situations and dynamics, said Mary Fleisch, a licensed trauma therapist.

    “Mental health declines during the holidays,” said Fleisch, “because there is a lot of pressure and buildup around connection and belonging.” 

    There are also many personal, family, and community pressures to gather, visit, and enjoy meals together. There maybe pressure to be “happy,” when you really are not. If you are not in the mood to celebrate, others may tease that you are “The Grinch” or being a “Scrooge.”

    There are holiday blues and season affective disorder, there is a distinct difference.

    A person experiencing holiday blues is facing situational stress, grief, or pressure related to the holidays. On the other hand, someone that experiences seasonal affective disorder faces recurring seasonal depression that is linked to light changes, and has lasting symptoms. An evaluation by a professional counselor can help determine whether it is holiday blues or SAD.

    The holidays can magnify stress and grief. Here are some common triggers:

    • Family stress during the holidays
    • Perfectionism
    • Feeling that you might miss out
    • Comparison
    • Scrolling social media
    • Family gatherings
    • Grief/loss

    The holidays can amplify disconnecting, noted Rebecca Kase, LCSW. She added that loneliness is a physiological state, not a personality flaw.

    Grill says the holidays can hurt, and it is important to find balance and compassion for yourself. It is important to prioritize self-care without guilt. Your needs deserve the same compassion you give others.

    The holidays can be emotionally complex. While some people may look forward to connection, others can experience pressure, overstimulation, grief, or financial strain. These can magnify underlying anxiety, depression, or other symptoms, noted Georgia Behavioral Health.

    Here are some things to consider when you are trying to help yourself or another person:

    • Let go of external pressures. You are not obligated to meet other’s expectations.
    • Know your limits. Protect your emotional capacity. Say “no” to events or interactions if you feel overwhelmed. Choose how you spend your time.
    • Release the perfection. Striving for perfectionism is self-sabotage. Not every moment will be magical. Do you know what, that is okay?
    • Practice self-kindness. Remind yourself that what you do is enough.
    • Take breaks and maintain routines of sleep, exercise, and mindfulness.
    • Practice daily self-checking ins. Ask yourself what do I need today?
    • Acknowledge your feelings. Your feelings deserve validation.

    I would like to add one of my own, rethink traditions. Not all traditions are meant to be continued into perpetuity. I used to worry that if I did not continue traditions of my family with my kids or those of my husband’s family, then I would fail. I know that sounds silly, but I let external pressures impact me. Give yourself kindness this Christmas.

    Resources:

    Image retrieved on 12/24/2025 from Image by DC Studio on Freepik

    Better Help Editorial Team. “How Holidays Affect Mental Health: Stress, Depression, Anxiety, and the Holiday Blues.” 11/7/2025. Retrieved on 12/21/2025 from https://www.betterhelp.com/advice/current-events/how-holidays-affect-mental-health-stress-depression-anxiety-and-the-holiday-blues/

    Georgia Behavioral Health. “Can Anxiety Cause Dizziness? Unpacking the Myths and Facts.” 12/12/2025. Retrieved on 12/21/2025 from https://www.gbhpsych.com/holidays-and-mental-health/

    Grill, Psych D., Elizabeth. “When the Holidays Hurt: Finding Balance and Compassion.” Psychology Today. 12/14/2025. Retrieved on 12/21/2025 from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/beyond-the-womb/202512/when-the-holidays-hurt-finding-balance-and-compassion?

    Moser, Jason, and Shelly DeJong. “Ask the Expert: How to Manage Stress Over the Holidays.” 12/18/2025. Retrieved on 12/21/2025 from https://psychology.msu.edu/news-events/news/managing-holiday-stress.html

    Nenn, Kerry. “Best Ways to Manage Holiday Depression and Stress, According to Mental Health Experts.” 12/17/2025. Retrieved on 12/21/2025 from https://therapy.com/conditions/depression/holiday-depression-stress/

  • Our Brains Are Wired for Social Connection

    12/21/2025

    Over the last four weeks, I have focused on the topic of loneliness and its impact on our overall health, not just mental health. Isolation increases risks for mental and physical health issues including heart disease. As I noted, the type of connection is important.

    I have been in a crowded room with tons of people around me and felt disconnected and lonely.

    According to writer Maggie Wooll, loneliness is a state of mind that occurs when there’s a disconnect between one’s desire for human connection and their actual level of connection. In other words, it is when our longing for human relationships is unfulfilled. Our levels of cortisol, a stress hormone, go up when we feel lonely.

    Did you know that chronic stress can lead to many health issues? Recent studies have compared loneliness to smoking fifteen cigarettes per day.

    Human beings are inherently social creatures, wrote Sam Goldstein, Ph.D., an adjunct faculty member at the University of Utah School of Medicine. He added, human survival and well-being depend on social connections and meaningful relationships.

    “Anthropological studies indicate that early humans engaged in rituals, storytelling, and cooperative child-rearing—practices that strengthened social bonds and enhanced group cohesion (Tomasello, 2014). The need for social connection is so deeply ingrained in our biology that our bodies react negatively to prolonged isolation,” wrote Goldstein.

    What is human connection? According to Wooll, human connection is a deep bond that is formed between people when they feel seen and valued. During an authentic human connection, people exchange positive energy with one another and build trust.

    Have you heard of Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs? According to Maslow, food, water, safety, love, and belonging are the most important needs we must fulfill. When our needs and desire for interpersonal relationships and intimacy are met, our overall well-being improves, leading to more fulfilled life.

    There is a big benefit of social interaction, as it relieves loneliness as much as eating reduces hunger, according to a Harvard study released in March 2025. The study’s findings revealed specialized neurons in the hypothalamus that drive our desire for social interaction. Additionally, when we physically connect with others, our brain’s reward system activates.

    The hypothalamus is located at the base of the brain. It serves as the brain’s hub for regulating our basic needs. When we physically connect with others, our brains’ reward systems activate. When the reward system activates, the brain releases the “feel good” chemicals, such as serotonin, oxytocin, and dopamine. Serotonin can brighten our mood, oxytocin fosters feelings of closeness, and dopamine reinforces the idea that connecting with others is a good thing.

    The teams of researchers observed that there are two groups of neurons at play. They are encoded to different states of social behavior. One group represents the brain’s need for connection after isolation and the other group signals the brain’s response to having met that need during social interaction. When a mouse interacted with another mouse, the specialized neurons were prompted to release dopamine. Researchers noted that this like how eating reduces hunger, social interaction reduces loneliness.

    Although we have come far from social interaction with others through newer technologies, the Harvard study indicated that we need physical connection as well. Individuals are still feeling disconnected. What does it mean to feel connected? As the researchers saw in mice who physically touched another mouse after isolation, physical interaction may be key to restoring social interaction.

    In a 2015 TEDX Chelmsford presentation, Presenter Dan Foxx said, “As human beings, we have always been genetically driven to connect with other people. We are social animals, but we are poor at this skill. And we are “blind” to the obstacle which stands in our way, because the obstacle is US!”

    According to Foxx, first we need to obscure our ego’s needs.  Next, we need to learn a new way to love, to begin to authentically care for others first.  Then, we will begin to see changes in new and renewed relationships.

    In a concurring view, Molly Carroll, licensed therapist and published author, said during her TEDX Manhattan Beach presentation, “human connection lowers anxiety, depression, and suicide ideation, and how improving our connection with ourselves helps us better connect with others.”

    As people, we need to make deeper connections noted Carroll, adding, if we improve our connection with ourselves, we will then be able to connect better with others.

    Goldstein noted that there are three ways to foster connection:

    1. Prioritize face to face interactions. Meet in person. Studies have shown that face to face interactions help reduce stress and increase feelings of belonging.
    2. Engage in shared activities. Participate in group activities like volunteering, team sports, or hobby groups.
    3. Practice active listening and empathy. Show genuine interest in others. Make eye contact, respond thoughtfully.

    I know from experience that it can be hard to break out of loneliness. I know there are risks for putting yourself out there. I fear rejection. Be proactive. I strongly encourage you to reach out and set up at least one face-to-face meeting a week with someone you know or someone you would like to get to know better. Prioritize genuine, meaningful connections.

    Resources:

    Image retrieved on 12/20/2025 from <a href=”https://www.freepik.com/free-photo/arrangement-still-life-friendship-day-elements_14311777.htm

    Carroll, Molly. “The Need for Human Connection and Why it Starts with Ourselves.” Video. TEDxManhattan Beach.    Retrieved on 11/18/2025 from The need for human connection and why it starts with ourselves | Molly Carroll | TEDxManhattanBeach

    Foxx, Dan. “The Hidden Truth about Human Connection.”  Video. TEDXChelmsford. 8/20/2015. Retrieved on 11/18/2025 from The hidden truth about human connection | Dan Foxx | TEDxChelmsford

    Goldstein, Sam. “Why We Need Each Other: Building Meaningful Relationships for a Better Life.” Psychology Today. 3/17/2025. Retrieved on 11/18/2025 from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/common-sense-science/202503/why-we-need-each-other?

    Haseltin, Ph.D. William. “New Evidence That We are Wired for Connection: Connecting with others is more than something to be desired. “3/25/2025. Psychologytoday.com Retrieved on 11/18/2025 from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/best-practices-in-health/202503/new-evidence-that-were-wired-for-connection?

    Wooll, Maggie. “You Know You Need Human Connection. Here’s How to Achieve it.” 11/17/2021. Retrieved on 12/20/2025 from https://www.betterup.com/blog/human-connection

  • I Crave Being Alone and I love being a “homebody.”

    12/12/2025

    I crave being alone.   Please understand that, for me, being alone at home does not mean I feel lonely. I am connected to my surroundings and treasure the solitude. It is an opportunity for me to recharge, and the quietness gives me time to write.

    The difference between being alone and loneliness is connection. It can be me standing or sitting in a room full of people and I can feel quite lonely. Plus, the more people packed into space, the louder the environment becomes. I hate loud places. Noise levels create such difficulty of hearing what others are talking about. I also find that noisier places blocks opportunities from having deeper conversations. I hate small talk.

    According to Medium writer George J Ziogas, research is now focusing attention on “homebodies.” He added that homebodies are people who feel better when they are at home, in their own environments.

    I am a “preferred” homebody. Many homebodies are introverted, although there are extraverted homebodies. As a homebody, individuals prefer solitary or small group activities over large social events. There is a perception that all homebodies are lonely, shy, or otherwise fearful of leaving their home or engaging with others. New research by psychologists is finding many homebodies are none of those things.

    Research shows that people who prefer solitude or home environment have habits that include strong self-awareness, emotional independence, and even a strong bent to creativity. I get the creative part. Today, I was making holiday flower arrangements and decorating holiday wreaths. I realize that I have become comfortable in my own skin and enjoy time just being me.

    “People who thrive on alone time also frequently state that they experience their most creative ideas and impulses during quiet times,” wrote Ziogas.  “Experiencing solitude in an intentional way often allows homebodies to mentally ‘wander’ and think their most creative thoughts.”

    I do not think solitude or being a homebody is for everyone. I know some individuals who crave the energy of others. They say they go bonkers after a while of being just themselves.

    What solitude offers:

    Comfort and familiarity: My home is a sanctuary. It is a place where I can relax without the pressures and tensions of social interactions, particularly awkward ones. As I get older, I embrace being at home more. I have found choosing to be at home reduces my social anxiety, then I feel less overwhelmed.

    Personality: Certain personality types, such as introverts, may naturally gravitate towards being  homebodies. They often prefer solitary activities or intimate gatherings over large social events. I would rather have a coffee or hot cocoa one-on-one with a friend. I even attended arts events by myself. Quick in and out, I go back home.

    Social Preferences:

    Being homebody does not mean that individuals are avoiding social situations, but rather choosing social situations of quality over quantity. As a homebody, I enjoy small gatherings that tend to be on the quieter side. It’s a chance for me to have more in-depth conversations with another person. If I cannot meet in person, we arrange to meet online via Zoom from the comfort of my home. Convenience of technology has eased making connections with others. I am a member of two Toastmasters clubs that meet online via Zoom. It is terrific way to connect for an hour every two weeks without driving out at night.

    Lifestyle Changes:

    Research studies show that more people are spending more time at home than in previous years. This trend began before COVID-19, and the restrictions that were put in place during the pandemic. Now, many more people are working from home and have adjusted to this new lifestyle. Compared to our 2003 counterparts, we are spending 30 minutes more a day at home, according to a Princeton Study by sociologist Patrick Sharkey.

    There are benefits to staying at home:

    Control of your environment: I like that I can determine my own schedule, choose what I want to watch, listen to, or read. I can control the ambiance including lights, sounds, and smells.

    Cost Savings: Going out can be costly. There are so many new entertainment options through today’s technology. Maybe even just pulling out a deck of cards or playing a board game. You can make your own meals, try new cuisines, or return to familiar comfort foods. Plus, with today’s technology, with a few taps of the button on your computer you can order groceries, presents, or your next take-out meal that can be delivered to your doorstep.

    Opportunities for hobbies: Looking for something to do, there are various how to videos online to teach you a new hobby. Sometimes you can find the supplies at a local thrift shop, to help get you started. When you are active, check out the local libraries for resources.

    I savor my time as a homebody. I do enjoy social interactions, I prefer smaller, more intimate settings and deeper levels of conversation. Here is to being a homebody.

    Resources:

    Image retrieved from freepik.com  Image by pikisuperstar on Freepik on 12/12/2025 from <a href=”https://www.freepik.com/free-vector/collection-people-enjoying-their-free-time_4914555.htm”&gt; </a>

    Avila, Marian. “Why More People Become Homebodies with Age: 11 Eye-opening Reasons.” Retrieved on 12/11/2025 from https://www.msn.com/en-us/society-culture-and-history/social-issues/why-more-people-become-homebodies-with-age-11-eye-opening-reasons/ar-AA1FNxhE

    Blanc, Ocean.” Why Spending Time Alone Makes You More Successful: 7 Science-Backed Reasons.” 2/10/2025. Retrieved on 12/4/2025 from https://themindsjournal.com/people-alone-successful/

    Milbrand, Lisa. “We’re All Becoming Homebodies-and It’s Having Surprising Impacts on Our Health, New Study Says.” 10/16/2025. Retrieved on 12/11/2025 from https://www.realsimple.com/health-effects-americans-spending-more-time-at-home-8727414

    Ngo, Hope. “Things Only a Homebody Will Truly Understand.” 2/4/2020. Retrieved on 12/10/2025 from https://www.thelist.com/186785/things-only-a-homebody-will-truly-understand/

    Ziogas, George J. “The Surprising Psychology Behind People Who Love Staying at Home. The Truth about people who prefer to stay home.” 11/22/2025 retrieved on 12/4/2025 from https://medium.com/infinite-impulse/the-surprising-psychology-behind-people-who-love-staying-at-home-8336ed94573d

  • Hope Matters. Hope is Essential

    12/6/2025

    Are you a believer in hope, or are you cynic masquerading as a “realist?” I admit lately I spend more time in the second category than the first. My anxiety plays a big part in my view of life.

    My husband has asked me, “Why live in fear and be cynical?”

    I cannot always answer that question when I am in an anxious state. When I am anxious, anxiety hijacks my brain, locking out sensibility and logic. However, once the anxiety and panic have dissipated, logic can take reins again. I can think more clearly.

    Hope carries a lot of weight. I need to re-evaluate where I am. As I dove into research on hope, my brain locked into curiosity. Over the last few days, I have learned that hope is a stand-alone emotion that is a powerful force that makes you feel that your life matters.

    Recent research has shown that hope is more than wishful thinking and more important than happiness. If you face a difficult challenge or uncertain time, it is important to turn to hope.

    William Miller, author of the book 8 Ways to Hope, notes how important it is to hope and ways we can cultivate hope. He defines hope as a complex response, involving feeling, thought, action, vision, a life-force, and a way of seeing or being. He added, it is not a naïve approach to seeing the world, where we ignore problems and engage in “wishful thing.”

    “The essence of hope is envisioned betterment, and serves us well,” wrote Miller.  “As humans we are hardwired to dream a better future, helping us to carry on and survive.”

    University of Missouri’s Psychological Sciences research backs up this idea that hope is integral to fostering meaning in one’s life. U of M researchers. led by Megan Edwards and Laura King in the Psychological Sciences department, are showing that hope stands apart as one of the strongest positive emotions that directly fosters a sense of meaning.

    “Our research shifts the perspective on hope from merely a cognitive process related to goal attainment to recognizing it as a vital emotional experience that enriches life’s meaning,” wrote Edwards, who is now a post doctorate scholar at Duke University.  She commented that this is a new insight, and it opens new avenues for enhancing psychological well-being.

    Research included six studies of more than twenty-three hundred participants from diverse backgrounds. The teams analyzed the range of emotions, including amusement, contentment, excitement, and happiness. The findings consistently demonstrated that only hope predicted a stronger sense of meaning.

    King stated that experiencing meaning in life is crucial for about every good thing you can imagine in a person’s life. It enhances self-care in relationships, adding, it is not a rare experience as it is available to people in their everyday lives. Hope is one of the things that makes life meaningful.

    “Perceiving meaning in life can provide a sense of coherence, recognition, and comprehension in whatever is happening,” writes Miller, while “purpose in life includes a personal role in the present and future.”

    “Given the plethora of positive characteristics with which it is associated, hope might be considered a master virtue,” writes Miller. “It is a positive orientation of mind and heart toward your own future or that of the world at large.”

    Miller highlights a research study that was conducted at an in-patient alcohol treatment center, where staff was given the hopeful message that certain patients in their care were more likely to improve. After treatment was over, those patients did, indeed, have fewer drinking episodes, longer periods of abstinence, and higher rates of employment than other patients.

    But, it turns out the staff had been duped.  Those patients had no better chance of improvement than any others. Just infusing hope changed the course of treatment.

    “Seeing a possible pathway forward is both a source and a product of hope,” wrote Miller.

    Other psychologists have discovered that if you generate hopefulness, you can think about a broader range of solutions, wrote Gina Simmons Schneider, Ph.D., author of Frazzlebrain, adding that hope is healthy.

    We live in an age of cynicism and hostility where there is a deep distrust of others, including our institutions and neighbors. This can lead to feeling frazzled while dampening attitudes of cooperation or collaboration. It also can shut down healthy hopefulness. It can be scary and challenging when then faced with self-critical thoughts. Yet hope can open the door.

    Schneider wrote that when hope is generated you can provide yourself with comfort and encouragement. Talk to yourself as if you were caring for a close friend using phrases such as “may I be peaceful; may I live with ease.” These phrases can help aim your mind in a soothing direction.

    I encourage you to lean toward hope as hope can be contagious. As Rodielon, staff writer for earth.com, wrote, hope is a lifeline.

    “Hope is being able to see that there is light despite all of the darkness.”—Desmond Tutu.

    Resources:

    Image retrieved on 12/4/2025 from <a href=”https://www.freepik.com/free-photo/top-view-hop-word-made-with-scrabble-letters-against-black-background_4341855.htm

    Putol, Rodielon. “Experts identify the simple emotion that gives life meaning – and it’s not happiness.” 6/23/2025. Earth.com. Retrieved on 12/4/2025 from https://www.earth.com/news/experts-identify-the-simple-emotion-that-gives-life-meaning-and-its-not-happiness/

    Ras, Bonnie Riva, deputy editor. “Why Hope is More Important Than Happiness.” 7/12/2025. Retrieved on 12/3/2025 from https://www.goodnet.org/articles/hope-more-important-than-happiness

    Schneider, Ph.D., Gina Simmons. “Easy Ways to Generate Hope. Hopefulness is Healthy and can be Learned.” Retrieved on 12/4/2024 from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/frazzlebrain/202411/easy-ways-to-generate-hope?

    Stann, Eric. University of Missouri. “Hope may be more important to your well-being than happiness.” 6/27/2025. Retrieved on 12/3/2025 from https://www.futurity.org/hope-well-being-3285112/

    Suttie, Psy.D, Jill. “Eight Ways You Can Feel More Hopeful-Even in Dark Times.” 8/21/2024. Retrieved 12/4/2025 from https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/eight_ways_you_can_feel_more_hopeful_even_in_dark_times

  • Loneliness Is Not One-Size-Fits-All

    11/26/2025

    Years ago, I attended several after-hour social events hosted by the local chamber of commerce when my husband and I were members. Walking into a social situation brought me back to my high school “wall flower” era.  I was feeling so alone and awkward in a room full of people.  I attempting to connect with a group, but felt I was falling on my face (not literally, but figuratively).

    I felt as though it was high school social/political game all over again. I dreaded the events. I am more introverted than extrovert. I would try to search for my husband. I could see him across the room chatting to someone he knew. Husbands belong to various social circles. These social circles could often overlap at chamber events. He tends to get his energy from meeting up with people. It is the opposite for me. My social battery is drained.

    I was tired of the same questions, “What do you do for a living?” or “Where do you work?”  I am in a room full of people.  How is it possible to feel so alone?

    Mental health professionals have found that individuals that report feeling lonely often report feeling unseen and unheard, this contributes to the feeling of social isolation.

    Loneliness takes many forms, each requiring different solutions wrote Hans Roch IJzerman.  He added, generic advice often fails, because loneliness has different root causes and is not one size fits all.

    IJzerman commented on two scenarios.  First, a student arriving from high school to college for the first time are often surrounded by people—dorm neighbors, classmates, study groups, and endless social activities. Yet, many feel profoundly alone, because the person that understands them is missing, and they have left their social network back home.

    Second, older adults may feel loneliness for a different reason. They have been widowed, friends have moved away, and/or friends and family who have died. Their social world has contracted and diminished greatly. Although they may have a trusted and close relationship with family members, they are lonely because they have lost their broader community, wrote Ijzerman.

    Mental health experts encourage people to get out and meet people. What if you feel intimidated, discouraged, or vulnerable? Putting yourself out there is scary.

    According to Ashley Kirsner, founder and director of Skip the Small Talk, high quality person to person interactions matter. She has strived to create events that focus on just that. It has been a learning experience. Using the participants’ feedback from previous events has helped structure more effective events moving forward.

    Many individuals who are vulnerable and lonely often use self-isolation to protect themselves, noted Kirsner on a recent podcast of Choose to Be Curious with host Lynn Borton.

    According to Kirsner’s biography, Kirsner gained firsthand experience as a suicide prevention hotline call responder and as a peer counselor. She earned her B.A. in Psychology from Cornell University. She later founded the organization Skip the Small Talk and serves as its director. She even turned down acceptances to doctorate programs to devote time to her organization.

    As we are near holiday time, tomorrow being Thanksgiving, did you know that calls to suicide prevention hotlines increase during the months of November and December and on holidays themselves? As a former call responder, Kirsner learned a lot. into that called in to the hotline, would share how vulnerable that they were with a stranger that responded to the call. Yet may not share that with close friends or family.

    Kirsner’s experience includes research with professors at prestigious universities, including Cornell and the Harvard Decision Science Lab, and the Harvard Business School. Topics for the studies were on social and clinical psychology from decision-making and implicit biases. This experience has helped her develop the structure of her Skip the Small Talk events. Skip the Small Talk targets young adults in their twenties and thirties.

    I want to connect, beyond small talk. I wish there a version of Skip the Small Talk for older adults. I have found as I have gotten older, that what kept me busy as a young mother is done. My sons are 30 and 27. I have one living at home and one out on his own. I feel as though I am not needed as often. My days are no longer filled with the role of Mom. Although I do not have a complete empty nest. My birds can fly alone now.

    Transitions from one part of life to another have their own challenges, burdens, and positives. I am not always willing to admit that these changes affect me negatively. I do not always want to admit that I can be lonely. I do not want to share that vulnerability with friends or family. I try to tell myself, “I am fine.” I need to get over myself. I need to find purpose.

    IJzerman noted that if you are feeling socially lonely, join a club/activity of interest. If you are feeling emotionally lonely, seek out ways to deepen the relationships that you have. Spend more time with someone to build trust. If you are experiencing both types of loneliness join a club and schedule time once a week with a close friend.

    Feeling the weight of loneliness has made me feel like I have a damp wet blanket on top of me. It may feel different for you. I know it can be hard. Try to call someone and meet in person. The face-to-face connection is important to dissipate the loneliness. It may not go away fully or all at once. It is one step closer to feeling better.

    “The worst thing in life is to end up with people that make you feel all alone.” – Robin Williams

    Resources:

    Image retrieved on 11/25/2025 from https://www.freepik.com/free-vector/men-are-broken-heart-being-rejected-by-women-valentines-day-vector-flat-illustration-character-design_24022986.htm#fromView=search&page=1&position=31&uuid=dbe60411-aa13-4492-b27f-d1eb737a6b17&query=lonely

    Borton, Lynn. Choose to be Curious: conversations about curiosity in work and life. Podcast.Episode#306. “Skip the Small Talk, with Ashley Kirsner.”11/20/2025. Retrieved on 11/21/2025 from https://soundcloud.com/choosetobecurious/ep-306-skip-the-small-talk-with-ashley-kirsner/

    IJzerman, Ph.d. Hans Rocha. “Better Understanding Loneliness Through Experiences: Loneliness is inherently Heterogeneous.” 10/15/2025. Retrieved on 11/18/2025 from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/body-meet-mind/202510/better-understanding-loneliness-through-your-experiences

    Ursano, Iva. “Better Understanding Loneliness Through Your Experiences

    The Kind of Loneliness No One Talks About.” Medium. 10/27/2025. Retrieved 11/21/2025 from https://ivaursano.medium.com/the-kind-of-loneliness-no-one-talks-about-bcba1ea31983

  • Do You Feel Lonely?

    November 19, 2025

    Image by rawpixel.com on Freepik

    Have you ever felt lonely and lost in a room full of people?

    You do not have to be alone to feel lonely. Our modern life is designed for isolation. Yet, loneliness harms our bodies not just our minds according to the U.S. Surgeon General.

    The effect and mortality impact of being socially disconnected is similar to that caused by smoking up to 15 cigarettes a day, noted U.S. Surgeon General Vivek Murthy. Additionally, this is greater than that associated with obesity and physical inactivity.

    Murthy first put the spotlight on the loneliness epidemic back in the spring of 2023. He reported that during his first listening tour of the U.S., he began hearing stories that they felt isolated, invisible and insignificant. But even they could not put their finger on the word, “lonely.”

    How does the Surgeon General define loneliness? Loneliness is described as a state of mind: “a subjective distressing experience that results from perceived isolation or inadequate meaningful connections, where inadequate refers to the discrepancy or unmet need between an individual’s preferred and actual experience.” 

    “Loneliness is not about being alone. It is about feeling unseen,” wrote Whitney Coulson, LCSW. Adding, loneliness is about our needs for connection not being met. We feel we are not being met, unseen, unheard, or unimportant to anyone in a meaningful way, noted Coulson.

    Loneliness has become such an important topic, that between 2021-2024, Harvard University Graduate School of Education conducted the study “Making Care Common.” Researchers investigated the underlying causes of loneliness and in May 2024, they conducted a national survey with the company YouGov to find out what Americans had to say about the problem.

    Who is lonely? It might not be what you would expect, according to a 2024 Harvard University Study:

    • People between 30-44 years of age were the loneliest group — 29% of people in this age range said they were “frequently” or “always” lonely.
    • Among 18–29-year-olds — the rate was 24%.
    • For 45–64-year-olds, the rate was 20%.
    • Adults aged sixty-five and older reported the lowest rate: 10% felt lonely.
    • There were no real gender differences found, nor political ideology, race, or ethnicity. Yet, adults with more than one racial identity had much higher levels of loneliness: 42 percent of multiracial survey respondents reported they were lonely.
    • Interestingly, there were notable differences between income, but not education levels. Twenty-nine percent of Americans earning less than $30,000 were the loneliest. Nineteen percent of those earning between $50,000 to $100,000, and 18 percent of those making $100,000 or more reported that they were lonely.

    According to Psychology Today, half of U.S. adults reporting feeling lonely. Not just in the United States, 1 in 6 adults globally experience loneliness, with significant health impacts, including an estimated 871 hundred thousand deaths annually due to loneliness related issues.

    Did you know that chronic loneliness increases the risk of premature death by 29 percent? It is associated with higher rates of heart disease, stroke, and dementia. In a sense, loneliness can lead to broken heartedness.

    The U.S. Surgeon General’s Advisory, “Our Epidemic of Loneliness and Isolation 2023,” pointed out that we feel the impact of this loss of social connection. It can be felt in our schools, workplaces, and civic organization, where performance, productivity, and engagement are diminished.  

    What has contributed to this epidemic of loneliness? Experts point out that several societal changes have worsened the feelings of loneliness.

    • Digital age-Technology may offer connectivity but lacks depth of face-to-face interactions: 73 percent of those surveyed said that technology contributed to loneliness.
    • COVID-19 Pandemic: The pandemic intensified feelings of disconnection and exacerbating mental health challenges.
    • Societal division-increased societal division has been linked to higher levels of loneliness:  Many adults are feeling emotionally strained and isolated.
    • Insufficient time with family: 66 percent survey participants as the reason for loneliness.
    • Mental health challenges affecting or harming relationships with others: 60 percent of people who responded to survey rated this as a significant problem.
    • Living in a society that is too individualistic: 58 percent of people named this as a cause for loneliness.
    • No religious or spiritual life: too much focus on one’s own feelings, changing nature of work. Around 50 percent of people who participated in the Harvard survey perceived this as a cause.

    Experts have described loneliness epidemic as complex and multifaceted. As I began my research, I learned that social isolation is not the same as loneliness.

    Harvard research data included anecdotal data. A person said there were plenty of family members around, but not feeling appreciated by them made them feel lonely. Another person reported, “I was surrounded by several people who are present only in my life because I am useful to them.”

    The Harvard researchers found a strong correlation between loneliness and mental health concerns. Eighty-one percent who reported being lonely said they suffered with anxiety or depression, compared to twenty-nine percent of those who less lonely. Troubled feelings, loneliness, anxiety, and depression all feed into each other noted the researchers.

    Caulson, pointed out in her Psychology Today commentary that as people we have traded community for convenience, and connection for efficiency.

    “Friendships have been replaced by group chats that start with memes and end in silence,” said Caulson.

    What does loneliness look like? Loneliness is treated by our bodies as danger notes several experts.

    When connection breaks down, noted Caulson, our nervous system shifts into preservation mode-fight, flight or freeze. Cortisol increases, sleep worsens, blood pressure rises and then over time our risks for dementia, heart disease and early death increases if chronic loneliness is not tackled.

    In therapy or counseling, it may sound like “I am so tired,” “I feel disconnected,” or “I’m busy all the time, but empty.” In everyday life, loneliness may show up as irritability, workaholicism, or an inability to rest.

    How do we fix it? How do we tackle loneliness? Three quarters of the people surveyed by Harvard University researchers highlighted the following solutions:

    • Reach out to family and friends
    • Learn to love myself
    • Learn to be more forgiving of others
    • Find ways to help others.
    • More activities and fun community events
    • Public spaces that are more accessible and connection focused like green spaces and playgrounds.

    Harvard’s “Making Caring Common” researchers reported that “Collective service can provide important connections that relieve loneliness,” they state, as well as “cultivate meaning and purpose and mitigate mental health challenges.”  

    As I noted, loneliness is more than social isolation. Caulson points out that we need to relearn how to belong.

    Over the next few blogs posts, I am going to explore and share more about loneliness. Have you felt lonely? I have.

    Resources:

    Image retrieved on 11/18/2025 from <a href=”https://www.freepik.com/free-vector/woman-getting-bored-coronavirus-quarantine-element-vector_24382767.htm”>Image by rawpixel.com on Freepik</a>

    Coulson, LCSW, Whitney. “The Loneliness Epidemic is Worse Than You Think.” 11/7/2025.

    Murthy, Vivek H. 19th and 21st Surgeon General of the United States. “Our Epidemic of Loneliness and Isolation 2023.” Retrieved on 11/18/2025 from https://www.hhs.gov/sites/default/files/surgeon-general-social-connection-advisory.pdf

    Ross, Elizabeth M. “What is Causing Our Epidemic of Loneliness and How Can We Fix It?” 10/25/ 2024. Harvard Graduate School of Education. Retrieved on 11/18/2025 from https://www.gse.harvard.edu/ideas/usable-knowledge/24/10/what-causing-our-epidemic-loneliness-and-how-can-we-fix-it

  • Do You Yearn to Reconnect?

    November 2, 2025

    Whether it is intention or inattention, when we neglect the people who matter to us, we can feel deep regret. If you are left with the feeling, “if only I had reached out…,” you are one of thousands of people worldwide who have relationship or connection regrets.

    According to author Daniel H. Pink, the fourth core regret is related to connection. Connection regrets share a common plotline: A relationship that was once intact no longer is. Connection regrets are the largest of the four categories in the deep structure of human regret.

    Relationship types can vary. They could be spouses, partners, parents, siblings, children, friends, or colleagues. The nature of the rupture also varies as well. Some may fray, get torn apart, or just unravel, wrote Pink.

    Can you think of a relationship that has come undone? Do you yearn to reconnect? It can be scary as reconnecting requires effort, emotional uncertainty, and rejection.

    I had a few friendships and connections with former co-workers that have faded. Once they or I moved beyond our sphere of connection, we saw less of each other. I wonder if I waited too long to reconnect. Does that person even have interest in reconnecting?

    My husband makes it a priority to stay connected to friends and family. He takes initiative to reach out, call them, send an email, or connect via Facebook.  In whatever way he can, he tries. It is his initiative to organize gatherings and reunions. In fact, I will be attending a 40th high school reunion of his with him next week. Admittedly, I am nervous. I have not seen some of these people in thirty years. The last reunion that I attended with him was his 10th high school reunion, and our son, Jay, was five months old.  That was thirty years ago.

    Our personalities are a bit different. My husband, Jim, is an outgoing extravert eager to chat with people and make a connection that could end up leading to a long-term connection, or important relationship in his life, even if he does not see them on a regular basis.

    I am more introverted.  Therefore, I tend to let others take the initiative to reach out. I keep in regular contact with family, current co-workers, and people that I have met through church and Toastmasters. However, if I left the sphere of connection or they have, the connection can fade. I was excited to have reconnect with fellow Toastmasters at a training event last week. That happens twice a year. I need to make a more concerted effort to stay in touch.

    According to the World Regret Survey, conducted by Pink’s team, more than eighteen thousand individual regrets from people in 109 countries reported a sense of loss that accompanies a closed door.

    In a 2012 study, Researchers Mike Morrison, Kai Epstude, and Neal Roese concluded that regrets about social relationships are felt more deeply than other types of regrets because they threaten our sense of belonging.

    I am fortunate the people that I want to reconnect with are still living. What about those people who lost people that they cannot reconnect, repair, or mend the relationship? This is known as a “closed door.” A “closed door regret” distresses us, because we cannot do anything about it anymore, wrote Pink.

    According to Pink, open door regrets bother us as well, because we can repair the relationship, but it requires effort. When the fault falls on us, we suffer even more.

    The way relationships end tended to fall into two categories: rifts and drifts. Rifts are more dramatic.  They may begin with an insult, a disclosure, or a betrayal that leave the parties involved resentful and antagonistic. Rifts can generate emotions like anger and jealousy. Although drifts are more common, they are harder to mend. The emotions involved with drifts are not as well-defined, and may include awkwardness.

    What gives our lives significance and satisfaction are meaningful relationships. However, when those relationships come apart, awkwardness is what usually stands in the way to coming back together.

    Can you think of a relationship of yours that was a rift or drift? Ruminating over regrets that we have, letting the feelings linger or go unprocessed can fester and create negative responses such as depression, anxiety, self-doubt, indecision, or avoidance of opportunities.

    A fear of botching and bungling efforts to reconnect with another person can hold us back from trying. As humans, we have a need for love, connection, and meaning.

    Do yourself a favor, push aside the awkwardness and try. Your efforts can be key in developing a stronger relationship this time around. I, too, will strive to reconnect as well.

    Resources:

    Image retrieved on 10/30/2025 from <a href=”https://www.freepik.com/free-photo/top-view-broken-heart-with-safety-pin_27506573.htm”>Image by freepik</a>

    Crawford-Welch, Simon. “Turning Regret into Wisdom: The 4 Types of Regret and How to Use Them for Good.”  1/10/2025. The Critical Thought Lab. Retrieved on 9/22/2025 from https://thecriticalthoughtlab.com/turning-regret-into-wisdom-the-4-types-of-regret-and-how-to-use-them-for-good/

    Davis, Paula. “The 4 Major Kinds of Regret” Psychology Today. 2/2022.Retrieved on 9/9/2025 from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/pressure-proof/202202/the-4-major-kinds-of-regret?msockid

    Graham, Jennifer. “Danile Pink has 19,000 regrets and counting. What can we learn from his research?” 2/26/2022. Retrieved on 9/22/2025 from https://www.deseret.com/faith/2022/2/26/22946552/daniel-pink-has-19000-regrets-and-counting-what-can-we-learn-from-his-research-ten-commandments/

    Gutfreund, Deborah. “The 4 Regrets to Transform Your Life.” 10/2024. Aish.com. Retrieved on 9/9/2025 from https://aish.com/the-4-regrets-to-transform-your-life/

    Jones, Emily Williams. “The 4 Types of Regret (A How They Affect Us.” Psychology for Mental Health. Retrieved on 8/30/2025 from https://psychologyfor.com/the-4-types-of-regret-and-how-they-affect-us/

    Mautz, Scott. “On the 4 Core Regrets, a Big Lesson Learned, and More.” “Lead on!” Issue #98: 3/29/2023. Retrieved on 8/24/2025 from https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/issue-98-4-core-regrets-big-lesson-learned-more-scott-mautz/

    Pink, Daniel H. The Power of Regret: How Looking Backward Moves Us Forward. Random House Large Print. ©2022

    Pink, Daniel H. “Around the World, People have the same 4 regrets.” Retrieved on 8/24/2025 from https://www.linkedin.com/posts/danielpink_around-the-world-people-have-the-same-4-regrets-activity-7237095775535538176-6Zf9/

    Pink, Daniel H. “We all have Relationships Regrets.” 3/3/2022. Retrieved on 10/27/2025 from We all have relationship regrets — and here’s how we can learn from them |

    Pink, Daniel H. “Will We Actually See it? Daniel Pink On the Power of Regret.”                                           Retrieved on 8/25/2025 from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m45eymlraJs

    Pink, Daniel H. “The 4 Types of Regret We Don’t Recognize.” 6/14/2024. Oprah Daily. Retrieved on 9/22/2025 from https://www.oprahdaily.com/life/health/a60862112/4-types-of-regret-daniel-h-pink/

    Wattier, Linda.” 4 Types of Regret and How to Leverage Them for a More Fulfilling Life.” Tiny Buddha. Retrieved on 8/30/2025 from https://tinybuddha.com/blog/4-types-of-regret-and-how-to-leverage-them-for-a-more-fulfilling-life/

    Wright, Josh. “What is the Power of Regret? A Conversation with Daniel Pink.” Behavioral Scientist. 12/13/2022. Retrieved on 8/24/2025 from https://behavioralscientist.org/what-is-the-power-of-regret-a-conversation-with-daniel-pink/

    Yoon, Ph.D., Yesel. “Moving from Regret to Action: What Can You Do Today?” 2/23/2025. Retrieved on 9/22/2025 from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/on-second-thought/202502/moving-from-regret-to-action-what-can-you-do-today?msockid=2daa491bbe5f6f130a475bc3ba5f61f9

  • What Do Your Regret Most?

    October 9, 2025

    Do you look back at your life and ask if there was something that you could have done differently? Do you carry that guilt with you?

    This week’s post focuses on moral regret, which is the third of the four core regrets that Daniel H. Pink defined in his book, Power of Regret. Moral regrets tend to ache the more and last the longest wrote Pink.

    Pink and his team surveyed 4500 Americans to collect their attitudes about regret. They also launched a survey to collect regrets from the world. Pink’s team collected more than sixteen thousand regrets from people in 105 countries.

    During his research, Pink noticed a trend as he and his team sorted through thousands of self-reported regrets. The moral transgressions that people regret, he says, read “like the production notes for a Ten Commandments training video.”

    Most of us want to be good people. Yet, we often face challenges or choices that tempt us to take the low road, wrote Pink.

    Interestingly, moral regrets accounted for just ten percent of the responses that Pink and his team received. Pink wrote that guilt is different from regret, but also a subset of moral regret, and is usually about something we have done, rather than what we failed to do.

    Five most common moral regrets:

    • Harm to others: actions that cause pain or suffering to others such as bullying or betrayal.
    • Cheating: Engaging in dishonest behavior, whether in personal relationships or competitive situations.
    • Disloyalty: Failing to support friends or family members when they need it most.
    • Subversion: Disrespecting authority figures or violating societal norms.
    • Desecration: Actions that violate deeply held beliefs or values, such as abortion or other moral transgressions.

    The Critical Thought Lab writer Simon Crawford-Welch wrote “moral regrets often feel like a heavy weight in your chest—a sense of shame or guilt that does not easily fade.”

     If you find yourself thinking, I wish I had done the right thing, you are confronting a moral regret.

    Yesel Yoon, a clinical psychologist wrote in Psychology Today, said that striving to avoid regrets entirely might cause us to miss important opportunities to gain experience and grow. However, it is not good to ruminate on regrets that we may have either.

    “Be cautious about letting regrets linger,” wrote Yoon. Additionally, when we allow them to go unprocessed, they can have negative consequences, such as depression, anxiety, self-doubt, indecision, and avoidance of opportunities.

    Use regret as a guide wrote Yoon.

    Crawford-Welch also noted that moral regrets can highlight your desire to be a good person. You can use moral regrets as a guidepost to clarify your values and strengthen your commitment to living with integrity.

    Yoon wrote it is important to learn from the past, not be stuck in the past.

    • Reflect on the past. What do you wish you had done differently?
    • Why do you regret taking the action that you did?
    • What could you differently today?
    • Imagine you have taken new steps, how would you feel?

    Additionally, Crawford-Welch suggested that you ask yourself, “what is this regret teaching me? Instead of saying to yourself, ‘I failed,’ shift to ‘I grew from this experience.’ ”

    Most importantly, practice self-compassion.

    Resources:

    Image retrieved on 10/9/2025 from <a href=”https://www.freepik.com/free-vector/hand-drawn-flat-design-shrug-illustration_24195966.htm”>Image by freepik</a>

    Crawford-Welch, Simon. “Turning Regret into Wisdom: The 4 Types of Regret and How to Use Them for Good.”  1/10/2025. The Critical Thought Lab.Retrieved on 9/22/2025 from https://thecriticalthoughtlab.com/turning-regret-into-wisdom-the-4-types-of-regret-and-how-to-use-them-for-good/

    Davis, Paula. “The 4 Major Kinds of Regret” Psychology Today. 2/2022.Retrieved on 9/9/2025 from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/pressure-proof/202202/the-4-major-kinds-of-regret?msockid

    Graham, Jennifer. “Danile Pink has 19,000 regrets and counting. What can we learn from his research?” 2/26/2022. Retrieved on 9/22/2025 from https://www.deseret.com/faith/2022/2/26/22946552/daniel-pink-has-19000-regrets-and-counting-what-can-we-learn-from-his-research-ten-commandments/

    Gutfreund, Deborah. “The 4 Regrets to Transform Your Life.” 10/2024. Aish.com. Retrieved on 9/9/2025 from https://aish.com/the-4-regrets-to-transform-your-life/

    Jones, Emily Williams. “The 4 Types of Regret (A How They Affect Us.” Psychology for Mental Health. Retrieved on 8/30/2025 from https://psychologyfor.com/the-4-types-of-regret-and-how-they-affect-us/

    Mautz, Scott. “On the 4 Core Regrets, a Big Lesson Learned, and More.” “Lead on!” Issue #98: 3/29/2023. Retrieved on 8/24/2025 from https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/issue-98-4-core-regrets-big-lesson-learned-more-scott-mautz/

    Pink, Daniel H. The Power of Regret: How Looking Backward Moves Us Forward. Random House Large Print. ©2022

    Pink, Daniel H. “Around the World, People have the same 4 regrets.” Retrieved on 8/24/2025 from https://www.linkedin.com/posts/danielpink_around-the-world-people-have-the-same-4-regrets-activity-7237095775535538176-6Zf9/

    Pink, Daniel H. “Will We Actually See it? Daniel Pink On the Power of Regret.”                                           Retrieved on 8/25/2025 from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m45eymlraJs

    Pink, Daniel H. “The 4 Types of Regret We Don’t Recognize.” 6/14/2024. Oprah Daily. Retrieved on 9/22/2025 from https://www.oprahdaily.com/life/health/a60862112/4-types-of-regret-daniel-h-pink/

    Wattier, Linda.” 4 Types of Regret and How to Leverage Them for a More Fulfilling Life.” Tiny Buddha. Retrieved on 8/30/2025 from https://tinybuddha.com/blog/4-types-of-regret-and-how-to-leverage-them-for-a-more-fulfilling-life/

    Wright, Josh. “What is the Power of Regret? A Conversation with Daniel Pink.” Behavioral Scientist. 12/13/2022. Retrieved on 8/24/2025 from https://behavioralscientist.org/what-is-the-power-of-regret-a-conversation-with-daniel-pink/

    Yoon, Ph.D., Yesel. “Moving from Regret to Action: What Can You Do Today?” 2/23/2025. Retrieved on 9/22/2025 from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/on-second-thought/202502/moving-from-regret-to-action-what-can-you-do-today?msockid=2daa491bbe5f6f130a475bc3ba5f61f9

  • Dare to Be Bold, Don’t Hold Back

    9/22/2025

    How often do you look back in your life and ask “if only” I had taken a chance? I have. I lacked confidence as a young person; I doubted my writing and speaking abilities. I feared rejection. Instead of testing myself, I held back. I played it safely. After I married and had my kids, I sought jobs with flexibility for my family life. The jobs paid the bills but did not always challenge me.

    The “If only” regrets can be difficult to have. Regret is a negative emotion, and it can make us feel worse. The emotions can feel raw. Over the last couple of posts, I have written about regret and the core regrets as defined by social scientist Daniel Pink, author of Power of Regret.

    The focus of this post is the Boldness Regret. Pink defines this regret as we play it too safe and are left wondering what could have been. Examples include “If only I’d asked that girl out.”, “If only I’d taken that trip before I had children.”, “If only I’d started that business.”. Boldness regrets arise from the failure to take full advantage of opportunities as a springboard into a potentially more fulfilled life.

    As part of a large study, Pink and colleagues set up a website called “The World Regret Survey.”  As part of the survey, they asked, “How often do you look back in your life and wish you had done something differently?” And they found 83 percent of the population saying they do that, at least occasionally. It verifies how common this emotion is, especially when we do not label it with that toxic word of “regret.”

    According to this study by Pink, there is a profound demographic difference of age related to types of regret. When people are young—say, in their 20s—they have equal numbers of regrets for action (what they did) and regrets for inaction (what they did not do). But as people age into their thirties and certainly 40s, 50s, 60s, 70s, the inaction regrets take over. Inaction regrets are, in general, about twice as prevalent as action regrets. As we get older, what really sticks with us are the regrets about what we did not do.

    Deborah Gutfreund is an OCD and trauma therapist. Gutfreund wrote that we can learn from the bold regrets by taking a chance in the future, grab that opportunity to travel, take a class, or ask someone for coffee. Adding, the research reveals that we are more likely to regret what we did not do than what we try, even if it was not a success.

    Work-Life performance expert Donna Davis wrote that both regret and disappointment arise when an outcome is not what you wanted, counted on, or thought would happen; but, with disappointment, you often believe the outcome was outside of your control. With so with regret—you believe the outcome was caused by your own decisions or actions. In other words, it is your fault.

    The “no regrets” ethos is a strong one, however, Pink points out that this is a dangerous outlook. Adding regret is a marker of a healthy and maturing mind.

    Rabbi Effram Goldberg stated no regrets does not mean living with courage, it means living without reflection.

    After personal reflection, we can use regret in a positive way to transform our lives.

    “You decide every day who you will and will not be. Be bold in your decision but remember, choose wisely.” Joel Brown

    Resources:

    Image retrieved on 9/17/2025 from https://www.freepik.com/free-photo/i-cant-message-card-being-cut-with-scissor_10424096.htm

    Davis, Paula. “The 4 Major Kinds of Regret” Psychology Today. 2/2022.Retrieved on 9/9/2025 from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/pressure-proof/202202/the-4-major-kinds-of-regret?msockid

    Gutfreund, Deborah. “The 4 Regrets to Transform Your Life.” 10/2024. Aish.com. Retrieved on 9/9/2025 from https://aish.com/the-4-regrets-to-transform-your-life/

    Jones, Emily Williams. “The 4 Types of Regret (A How They Affect Us.” Psychology for Mental Health. Retrieved on 8/30/2025 from https://psychologyfor.com/the-4-types-of-regret-and-how-they-affect-us/

    Mautz, Scott. “On the 4 Core Regrets, a Big Lesson Learned, and More.” “Lead on!” Issue #98: 3/29/2023. Retrieved on 8/24/2025 from https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/issue-98-4-core-regrets-big-lesson-learned-more-scott-mautz/

    Pink, Daniel H. The Power of Regret: How Looking Backward Moves Us Forward. Random House Large Print. ©2022

    Pink, Daniel H. “Around the World, People have the same 4 regrets.” Retrieved on 8/24/2025 from https://www.linkedin.com/posts/danielpink_around-the-world-people-have-the-same-4-regrets-activity-7237095775535538176-6Zf9/

    Pink, Daniel H. “Will We Actually See it? Daniel Pink On the Power of Regret.”                                           Retrieved on 8/25/2025 from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m45eymlraJs

    Tuhin, Muhammad. “The Neuroscience of Regret: Why it Haunts Us.” 6/23/2025. Retrieved on 8/25/2025 from https://www.sciencenewstoday.org/the-neuroscience-of-regret-why-it-haunts-us

    Wattier, Linda.” 4 Types of Regret and How to Leverage Them for a More Fulfilling Life.” Tiny Buddha. Retrieved on 8/30/2025 from https://tinybuddha.com/blog/4-types-of-regret-and-how-to-leverage-them-for-a-more-fulfilling-life/

    Wright, Josh. “What is the Power of Regret? A Conversation with Daniel Pink.” Behavioral Scientist. 12/13/2022. Retrieved on 8/24/2025 from https://behavioralscientist.org/what-is-the-power-of-regret-a-conversation-with-daniel-pink/

  • Don’t Let Your Regret Hold You Back

    9/10/2025 Wednesday

    If you think back on your life, what regret hits hardest? I believe most of us have felt that sting of regret. It is universal, yet very personal.

    Muhammad Tuhin wrote that in the quiet hours of the night, a familiar shadow often creeps in, not a ghost in the room, but a ghost of the mind. It is a moment replayed, a path not taken. It is deep ache that we define as regret.

    I think Tuhin hit the mark. I, too, have a few regrets. How would my mental health be different if I took time for myself? Could I have avoided depression cycles or had a better handle on anxiety? By focusing on my family and ignoring my needs, this neglect affected my mental, spiritual, and physical health. I chose to emotionally eat to try to hide from my feelings and negative emotions, not face the stresses or worries head-on.

    According to Daniel H. Pink, author of The Power of Regret, regret falls into four core areas: foundational, boldness, moral, and connectional. This post will focus on foundational regrets.

    Additionally, Pink noted that many of our educational, finance, and health regrets are expressions of the same core regret: our failure to be responsible, conscientious, or prudent. Examples of foundational regrets include overspending and under saving, spending time partying in college, instead of focusing on studying or eating fast food and junk food, which often cause unhealthy weight gain.

    One of the most difficult things about regret is that it sits at the intersection of acceptance and yearning. The brain wants to learn and move forward, but it also wants to revisit, and rewrite wrote Tuhin.

    Regret is that stomach-churning feeling that the present would be better and the future brighter if only you hadn’t chosen so poorly, decided so wrongly, or acted so stupidly in the past wrote Pink.

    Foundation regrets can be summarized as if only I had done the work written by Linda Wattier.

    Wattier wrote that she spent a lot of time, in her forties, that she wallowed in these regrets, revisiting past mistakes and ramping up self-criticism which led to heartbreak and grief.

    Regrets can happen. It is what we do with those regrets that can make a difference.

    “Regret is not dangerous or abnormal,” wrote Pink, “a deviation from the steady path to happiness. It is healthy and universal, an integral part of being human. Regret is also valuable. It clarifies. It instructs me. Done right, it needn’t drag us down; it can lift us up.”

    Thinking about it this way, we have a need for stability. It is important to build a basic infrastructure for educational, financial, and physical well-being, for us to have fulfilling lives wrote Wattier. Yet, when we fail to do this, we can be left with regret.

    When faced with regret, work to make a change, try to fix the situation. However, sometimes that is not always possible. “All is not lost, wrote Psychologist Emily Williams Jones.

    Over time, chronic regret can change brain chemistry. It may lower serotonin levels, heighten depression. Tuhin adds, it may even alter the connectivity between emotional and rational regions of the brain that makes it harder to regulate negative feelings.

    Pink has a three-prong approach to facing regret:

    • Look inward: This involves reframing the regret(s) that we have. Practice self-compassion. Teach and treat ourselves with kindness and understanding that can lead to healing and growth.
    • Look outward: Share your regrets with others. Talking or writing about our regrets can help us make sense of them.
    • Move forward: Extract lessons from our regrets. This is essential to create distance and gain perspective on those regrets. Optimize regret rather than minimize it. Create a failure resume to reflect and learn from past mishaps.

    We can use discomfort to solve a situation, to not make mistakes, or not miss an opportunity in the future noted Jones.

    Regret is a chapter, not a whole book, wrote Tuhin.

    Next week, I will focus on the boldness regrets, the “if only.”

    Resources:

    Image retrieved on 9/7/2025 from <a href=https://www.freepik.com/free-vector/hand-drawn-facepalm-illustration_38477179.htm

    Jones, Emily Williams. “The 4 Types of Regret (A How They Affect Us.” Psychology for Mental Health. Retrieved on 8/30/2025 from https://psychologyfor.com/the-4-types-of-regret-and-how-they-affect-us/

    Mautz, Scott. “On the 4 Core Regrets, a Big Lesson Learned, and More.” “Lead on!” Issue #98: 3/29/2023. Retrieved on 8/24/2025 from https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/issue-98-4-core-regrets-big-lesson-learned-more-scott-mautz/

    Pink, Daniel H. The Power of Regret: How Looking Backward Moves Us Forward. Random House Large Print. ©2022

    Pink, Daniel H. “Around the World, People have the same 4 regrets.” Retrieved on 8/24/2025 from https://www.linkedin.com/posts/danielpink_around-the-world-people-have-the-same-4-regrets-activity-7237095775535538176-6Zf9/

    Pink, Daniel H. “Will We Actually See it? Daniel Pink On the Power of Regret.”                                           Retrieved on 8/25/2025 from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m45eymlraJs

    Tuhin, Muhammad. “The Neuroscience of Regret: Why it Haunts Us.” 6/23/2025. Retrieved on 8/25/2025 from https://www.sciencenewstoday.org/the-neuroscience-of-regret-why-it-haunts-us

    Wattier, Linda.” 4 Types of Regret and How to Leverage Them for a More Fulfilling Life.” Tiny Buddha. Retrieved on 8/30/2025 from https://tinybuddha.com/blog/4-types-of-regret-and-how-to-leverage-them-for-a-more-fulfilling-life/

    Wright, Josh. “What is the Power of Regret? A Conversation with Daniel Pink.” Behavioral Scientist. 12/13/2022. Retrieved on 8/24/2025 from https://behavioralscientist.org/what-is-the-power-of-regret-a-conversation-with-daniel-pink/