perfectionism flawlessness – Curious and Creative

June 21, 2025

Perfectionism is a personality trait characterized by a relentless pursuit of flawlessness and high standards. It can manifest as self-motivation and drive to achieve success, but it often leads to anxiety and low self-worth when those standards are not met according to Psychology Today.

Perfectionism is driven primarily by internal pressure to avoid failure or harsh judgment.

I had given much thought to perfectionism as a fear of failure. I have a better understanding now that I have done a research into it for this blog.

I was skimming through my book title on my shelf and came across a Brene Brown’s book that I had not yet read, I Thought It Was Me But It Isn’t. It was published in 2007. What caught my attention was the blurb on the back promoting the book. It read as follows:

“We spend too much precious time and energy managing perceptions and creating carefully edited versions of ourselves to show to the world. There is a constant barrage of social expectations that teach us that being imperfect is synonymous with being inadequate…So we learn to hide our struggles and protect ourselves from shame, judgment, criticism, and blame by seeking safety in pretending and perfection,” wrote author Harriet Lerner, Ph.D., The Dance of Anger.

Lerner notes Brene Brown’s book is long overdue. It highlights an important truth: our imperfections are what connect us to one another and to our humanity, adding, our vulnerabilities are not weaknesses. They are powerful reminders to keep our hearts and minds open to the reality that we’re all in this together.

Psychology Today states on that what makes extreme perfectionism so toxic is that while those in its grip desire success, they are most focused on avoiding failure, resulting in a negative orientation. They don’t believe in unconditional love, expecting others’ affection and approval to be dependent on a flawless performance.

See how dangerous that can be to our self-esteem, worth, and confidence?

What are the signs that someone is a perfectionists? According to Psychology Today and VerywellHealth.com, here are some traits:

They set unrealistically high expectation for themselves and others.
They are quick to find fault and overly critical of mistakes. They can beat themselves up for small mistakes and/or expect too much of other people.
They have a fear of failure.
They think constantly about their past failures or future goals. They often seek reassurance from others to assume themselves of their worth and aptitude.
Yet, some perfectionists are so afraid of receiving negative feedback that they avoid it at all costs. They can get defensive when receiving constructive criticism.
They shrug off compliments and forget to celebrate their success.
They focus only on results. They are so concerned about hitting that goal and avoiding failure. This prevents them from enjoying the process of growing and striving.
They look to specific people in their life for approval and validation.

What I did not know is there are three kinds of perfectionism or domains:

Self-oriented: imposing an unrealistic desire to be perfect on oneself.
Other-oriented: imposing unrealistic standards of perfection on others.
Socially-prescribed: perceiving unrealistic expectations of perfection from others.

Perfectionism is a personality trait that can be harmful if taken too far. Although it is not a mental illness itself, it is a common factor in many mental disorders such as anxiety and depression, OCD obsessive compulsive disorder, and Eating disorders.

Interestingly, meta data studies and analysis, is showing that perfectionism has become more common over the past several decades. In a 2019 study among college students in the USA, Canada, and the United Kingdom, revealed rates of perfectionism increased significantly between 1989 and 2016.

Dr. Elizabeth Scott, Ph.D wrote that perfection is a double-edged sword. It is the driving force behind a high achiever or it can be a liability.

Perfectionists, like high achievers, set and work hard to achieve lofty goals. Whereas, a high achiever can be satisfied knowing they did their best and achieved a goal, a perfectionism will accept nothing less than perfection. “Almost perfect is seen as a failure,” wrote Scott.

I found this contrast interesting, high achievers are often pulled towards their goals by a desire to achieve them. They are happy with any steps in the right direction. However, according to Scott, perfectionists tend to be pushed by a fear of anything less than a perfectly met goal.

If perfectionism is left unchecked, according to professionals, it can affect daily life and functioning:

Time management
Relationships
Stress levels
Physical and mental health.

In Brown’s book, I Thought It Was Just Me, she shared a story about when she was a new mom trying to work from home. She laid down her two month old daughter down for a nap before a phone interview while at home. Five minutes into the interview, the baby starts crying. Brown is trying to mute so the interviewers do not hear the baby crying. Brown had an image of balancing being a new mom and working from home, based on a commercial. Realities of motherhood hit hard. Stress of the situation was too much. Brown took herself out of the running for the community research project. It triggered shame, as she did not want to be seen as incapable of balancing motherhood and work. She did not want to be seen as “needing help.”

My experience with perfectionism has not been a very positive experience. When my younger son with autism was little, many environments triggered sensory overload. I felt bad for his older brother when we had to leave the book store, library, or playground because his younger brother started to act out or get upset. I felt that stare, heard the comments from other moms on the playground, in a playgroup, at the library story time, or in school at the parent teacher organization (PTO) meeting. I sensed criticism from other moms regarding my parenting ability. It made it very difficult to make friends with other moms.

Over the years, I have also experienced perfectionism from bosses and co-volunteers. It makes it challenging and demoralizing when you are working hard and at your best, but good is not enough. It is particularly challenging if the volunteer leader in charge is a perfectionist. Several years back, I was ready to quit an organization that I was part of because of a volunteer leader’s style, manner, lack of flexibility, and approach. I communicated with that person, and we worked out some of the kinks. It was not the best situation, but it was good enough.

Just remember that the quest for perfection is exhausting and relenting wrote Lerner.

“Excellence is a value. Perfectionism is an insecurity.”— author unknown.

Resources:

Image retrieved on 6/21/2025 from <a href=”https://www.freepik.com/free-vector/freedom-concept-illustration_44955439.htm”>Image by storyset on Freepik</a>

Dorwart, Laura. “Understanding Perfectionism.” Updated on 6/10/2025. Retrieved on 6/21/2025 from https://www.verywellhealth.com/perfectionism-5323816.

Psychology Today. “Perfectionsim.” Retrieved on 6/18/2025 from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/perfectionism?msockid=24f8ebd9437164501298fedc42c365fc

Scott, Ph.D. Elizabeth. “Perfectionism: 10 Signs of Perfectionist Traits. When Good Enough Isn’t Good Enough.” 6/172024. Retrieved on 6/21/2025 from https://www.verywellmind.com/signs-you-may-be-a-perfectionist-3145233

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Perfectionism is a trap, Do not get caught