Curious and Creative

Tag: personal-development

  • Regret Can Steer Us in a New Direction

    9/3/2025

    “No regrets.” This is a philosophy that many people claim for life. Some even have it tattooed onto their bodies.

     Yet, author Daniel H.  Pink says that regret is a fundamental part of being human. Regret hurts but also instructs. We cannot have one without the other.

    Muhammad Tuhin wrote that it is crucial to understand that regret isn’t just sadness in disguise. It’s a distinct emotion, with its own signature, triggers, and consequences. Added, Regret is tied to agency—the sense that we had control, and we failed. It is tinged with “what ifs” and “if onlys.” It isn’t just about loss; it’s about the belief that loss could have been avoided.

    In Pink’s book The Power of Regret, Pink shares the results of two extensive research projects he conducted. He worked with a small team of survey research experts that designed and carried out the largest quantitative analysis of American attitudes about regret ever conducted called The American Regret Project. Pink also launched a website, the World Regret Survey (worldregretsurvey.com), that has now collected more than 26,000 regrets from people in 134 countries.

    In addition, Pink highlighted the research from psychology, neuroscience, economics, and biology to challenge the widely held assumptions about human emotions and behaviors.

    There are four core regrets written in Pink’s book, Power of Regret:

    1. Foundation regrets: Many of our education, finance, and health regrets are expressions of the same core regret: our failure to be responsible, conscientious, or prudent. Our lives require some basic level of stability. Yet sometimes our individual choices undermine this long-term need.
    2. Boldness regrets: One of the most robust findings in the academic research, and my own, is that over time, we are much more likely to regret the chances we didn’t take than the chances we did. What haunts us is the inaction itself.
    1. Moral regrets: Most of us want to be good people. Yet we often face choices that tempt us to take the low road. When we behave poorly, or compromise our belief in our own goodness, regret can build and then persist.
    2. Connection regrets: Our actions give our lives direction. But other people give those lives purpose. A massive number of human regrets stem from our failure to recognize and honor this principle.

    Pink shared that positive emotions are incredibly important and that they should outnumber our negative emotions but we need some negative emotions because they instruct us. A prominent negative emotion is regret.

    Person Coach Linda Wattier wrote that regret is a unique emotion because it stems from our agency. It’s not something imposed upon us; rather, it arises from choices we made or opportunities we missed.

    In explaining the neuroscience of regret, Tuhin wrote that our brains our master storytellers. It doesn’t just record reality, it edits, reshapes, and replays it. Nowhere is this more evident than in the neural architecture of regret.

    At the center of this process is the orbitofrontal cortex, or OFC, for short. It is the region just above the eyes that is deeply involved in decision-making and evaluation. It helps our brains weigh choices, predict outcomes, and compare actual results with imagined ones. If you experience regret, the OFC does not just analyze what happened, it actively constructs what could have happened. It imagines an alternate path and then evaluates the emotional consequence of not taking it.

    Tuhin wrote that functional MRI studies have shown that the OFC becomes highly active when people are asked to reflect on poor choices or missed opportunities. When the loss is someone else’s the OFC does not light up as much. However, when the fault lies with you, the lights of the OFC shine brightly.

    Regrets are tough. I have a few regrets: If only I had more confidence or learned how to become more confident. I do not think that I would have passed on opportunities or been timid in job interviews. I wish I had joined Toastmasters sooner right after college. As I noted in past posts, I regret being such a bully to myself, knocking myself down.

    Tuhin added that regret is not purely logical. It can carry a very big emotional load: guilt, disappointment, shame, longing. These emotions are orchestrated by a small, almond shaped structure deep in our brain, called the amygdala. The amygdala is regret’s emotional partner.

    You probably didn’t imagine so much was doing on inside of our brains, most likely we are emotionally focused on the result, whether it was we wanted, planned, or not.  The negative emotional toll can be quite hefty.

    In his article, Tuhin shared an example, “Let’s say you remember breaking up with someone who truly loved you. Your OFC might reconstruct a version of life where you stayed together and found happiness. Your amygdala will attach emotional significance to that alternate memory, making it feel real, even though it never actually happened… the collaboration between the OFC and the amygdala creates the vivid, haunting quality of regret. So, our brains may not just think about an alternative or better outcome-it feels it, deeply wrote Tuhin.

    In a culture that promotes relentless positivity and a “no regrets” philosophy, Wattier has learned that negative emotions have their place in a fulfilling life.

    Throughout the month of September, I am going to write about each of the four core regrets. I will dive a little deeper into the core regrets and share examples.

    “Regret can show you what is good in life.” – Daniel H. Pink

    Resources:

    Image retrieved 8/26/2025 from https://www.freepik.com/free-vector/lonely-girl-suffering-from-depression_7732643.htm#fromView=image_search_similar&page=1&position=0&uuid=1234e4d3-b9cc-490f-9290-d3cab4032b53&query=regret

    Jones, Emily Williams. “The 4 Types of Regret (An How They Affect Us.” Psychology for Mental Health.  Retrieved on 8/30/2025 from https://psychologyfor.com/the-4-types-of-regret-and-how-they-affect-us/

    Mautz, Scott. “On the 4 Core Regrets, a Big Lesson Learned, and More.” “Lead on!” Issue #98: 3/29/2023. Retrieved on 8/24/2025 from https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/issue-98-4-core-regrets-big-lesson-learned-more-scott-mautz/

    Pink, Daniel H. The Power of Regret: How Looking Backward Moves Us Forward. Random House Large Print. ©2022

    Pink, Daniel H. “Around the World, People have the same 4 regrets.” Retrieved on 8/24/2025 from https://www.linkedin.com/posts/danielpink_around-the-world-people-have-the-same-4-regrets-activity-7237095775535538176-6Zf9/

    Pink, Daniel H. “Will We Actually See it? Daniel Pink On the Power of Regret.”                                           Retrieved on 8/25/2025 from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m45eymlraJs

    Tuhin, Muhammad. “The Neuroscience of Regret: Why it Haunts Us.” 6/23/2025. Retrieved on 8/25/2025 from https://www.sciencenewstoday.org/the-neuroscience-of-regret-why-it-haunts-us

    Wattier, Linda.” 4 Types of Regret and How to Leverage Them for a More Fulfilling Life.” Tiny Buddha. Retrieved on 8/30/2025 from https://tinybuddha.com/blog/4-types-of-regret-and-how-to-leverage-them-for-a-more-fulfilling-life/

    Wright, Josh. “What is the Power of Regret? A Conversation with Daniel Pink.” Behavioral Scientist. 12/13/2022. Retrieved on 8/24/2025 from https://behavioralscientist.org/what-is-the-power-of-regret-a-conversation-with-daniel-pink/

  • There is Power in Walking Away

    8/17/2025

    What is the meaning of quitting? The dictionary defines quitting to stop doing something; to give up or resign one’s job or position.

    “Persistence is not always the best decision, certainly not absent context. And context changes,” wrote Annie Duke, author of Quit: The Power of Knowing When to Walk Away.

    I found this proverb:   “No matter how far you have gone down the wrong path, turn back.”

    That proverb makes a lot of sense, doesn’t it? It is ultimately our decision making now that affects our tomorrows. Why persist if you know that you are going in the wrong direction? Quit, stop, turn back. You have the power to walk away.

    According to Mckenna Princing, people love to tout phrases meant to be encouraging, like “You only fail if you quit, blah blah blah, but the truth is that sometimes quitting is the healthiest option in a not-great situation — or because a better opportunity has come your way.”

    As I noted in my blog last week on quitting, our society prides itself on persistence, perseverance, and grit. What if the situation, project, job, or business is not the best? If persisting could be worse, not better.

    A few months ago, I tried again to find a new way to use my creativity and create a personal ministry. I brainstormed ideas and came up with, “bloom with kindness.” I would make faux floral arrangements to deliver and give to senior centers, assisted living, and nursing homes. At first, I had lots of enthusiasm and energy. I delivered a dozen or more arrangements to about six local senior facilities in early July. Now, the supplies sit on my shelf and table gathering dust. I feel emotionally drained that I do not have the energy to create. I am mentally and emotionally stuck. No doubt about it. Quitting has entered my mind on more than one occasion.

    Throughout my life, I have identified myself as an artist, whether it is drawing, painting, or most recently, floral arranging. When I am not being creative in some way, I feel that I am lost. I had not realized how much of my identity is tied to being creative in some way or another.   Wait, you might say, isn’t writing this blog creative?  Yes, you are right. However, I use my creativity and brain in a different way than drawing, or painting, or even floral arranging. Perhaps, I have defined creativity in a limited manner.

    “Quitters never quit, and quitters never win.” Many in our society have internalized this message, wrote Duke. It is deeply rooted in our culture. So much so that we often stick to the wrong course of action for too long.

    There are positive reasons for quitting, wrote Princing, added that your interests shifted, you got a better offer, you’re moving or are switching careers or simply want a change of pace. However, feeling of wanting to quit can be an indicator as well.

    Signs that you are distressed or under duress:

    • You regularly feel burnt out. 
    • You’re constantly thinking about it when you’re supposed to be doing other things or resting. 
    • You often avoid it or have a lot of fear around it. 
    • You have a narcissistic or unsupportive leader.  
    • Your health and mental health is suffering.
    • You are being bullied or otherwise disrespected.
    • You are being harassed or discriminated against. 

    Knowing when to quit is an important skill to develop, notes Duke. Duke is a former professional poker player. She won over four million dollars in a professional poker tournament before walking away in 2012. Since that time, she has co-founded the Alliance for Decision Education, which is a nonprofit organization that teaches decision-making skills to students and empowers them.

    According to Duke, it can be exceedingly difficult to walk away and quit. Duke notes a term called “loss aversion.”  It means people tend to look at the money and time that they have invested so far, fear they will lose it if they walk away.

    When choosing among new options, loss aversion causes us to favor the ones that have the lowest absolute loss associated with them, even if those options come at a lower expected value wrote Duke.

    Have you heard of Richard Thaler? In 1980, Thaler was the first to point out to the “sunk cost effect” as a phenomenon, which is a cognitive error that people take into account money, time, effort or other resources they have previously sunk into an endeavor when making decisions about whether to continue and spend more.

    There have been forty years of experiments and field work across many domains that show people behave as Thaler had theorized on “sunk costs”. People do take account of whether to move forward, noted Duke, they do consider what they’ve already spent. They  do this because they “irrationally think” that the only way to recover or justify the costs is if they continue. This thinking and decision-making costs people to stick with something that they should quit.

    Duke states that when “stakes are high” it is hard to walk away from a business, project, investment, or even a relationship. According to Duke, when we are in the losses, we are not only more likely to stick to a losing course of action but also double down. This tendency is called escalation of commitment.

    Escalation of commitment is not just limited to individuals. It is robust and universal in organizations and government entities as continued Duke.

    According to Duke, a rational decision maker would consider only the future costs and benefits in deciding whether to continue with a particular course of action. In other words, if there would be a positive future outcome, the “rational” person would persist and persevere. But if a negative outcome affects value, they will quit.

    Dr. Julia Keller notes that in the wild, perseverance has no special status. “Animals do what they do, because it furthers their agenda: to last long enough to reproduce, ensuring continuation of their genetic material,” adding that the best way to survive as a species is to give up on whatever’s not contributing to survival, to waste as few resources as possible on the ineffective.

    If quitting is the best option to move forward, asks Keller, why don’t we always do it?

    “Quitting is a skill, a survival technique,” wrote Keller. “It’s not, as we humans sometimes treat it, a moral failing. And resisting the impulse to quit isn’t necessarily bravery or noble. It’s nonsensical.” 

    You may be at a point where you must do a soul search to determine the best course of action. If you decide to quit, make the experience meaningful. Although things may not turn out as you had planned, look at what valuable learning opportunities you had, use that to improve your next experience, business, project or job.

    If what you do or have done is part of your personal identity, it will be difficult to quit and walk away. Ask yourself, does what you are doing still serve you or its original purpose? Is it helping you meet goals or holding you back from other opportunities? Perhaps it is time to accept your power to walk away.

    Quitting is not a personal failure or a moral failing, despite what may be held by society or culture. I think it takes guts to walk away. It takes gumption to move past what you have known, it may have worked for you at one point, but now it no longer does. Be brave.

    “There’s a point at which perseverance becomes denial,” said Benjamin Wood.

    Resources:

    Image retrieved on 8/16/2025 from https://www.freepik.com/free-vector/flat-illustration-person-being-overwhelmed_24014057.htm#fromView

    Duke, Annie. Quit: The Power of Knowing When to Walk Away. Portfolio/Penguin. ©2022

    Keller, PhD, Julia. Quitting: A Life Strategy. Balance Books. ©2023.

    Princing, McKenna. “Quitting Isn’t Always Bad. Here’s the Best Way to Do It:.” 12/18/2023. Retrieved on  8/6/2023 from https://rightasrain.uwmedicine.org/life/work/how-to-quit-gracefully

  • Quitting: The good that can come out of it

    8/9/2025

    Have you ever considered quitting?

    Over the years, I have quit jobs, hobbies, unsuccessful business ventures, and dead-end relationships. It was scary but free at the same moment. Idea of quitting has such a bad connotation, that the idea of doing it can be heart wrenching.

    Our society often touts perseverance and grit over quitting. There have been many meta studies touting perseverance and particularly grit. Yet, there is a large body of work showing that perseverance may have a harmful downside according to Harvard Business Review. Adding, one study found that not giving up can mean people persist even when they have nothing to gain.

     So, while it might be valuable to persist with worthwhile and rewarding tasks, people who do continue with worthless tasks that are both uninteresting and unrewarding, are wasting their time and talents according to Harvard Business Review (HBR).

    Some people may see quitting as an ending, but it is also a new beginning. Acknowledge the feeling of wanting to quit is normal.

    Author Jon Acuff wrote in his book, “Quitter,” that after a while he got good at quitting jobs: jobs that were 40 hour a week with a 401K and benefits. Acuff wrote about quitting his job to create a dream career. There are many examples that are shared in his book.

    Did you know that the average median number of years is 3.9 years that wage, and salary workers had been with their current employer as of January 2024? This down from 4.1 years in January 2022 and that is the lowest since 2002 according to U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics.

    Quitting is not just about quitting a job. Quitting can be a new beginning, a restart, a do-over.

    McKenna Princing wrote that there are a few things to consider when deciding to quit:

    • Quitting can be an effective way to get out of a tough situation or seek a new, exciting one. 
    • Feeling burnt out or not respected could be signs it is time to quit. 
    • Figure out if changing your current situation would help or if seeking a new situation is best. 
    • Resist the urge to quit or leave in anger.

    According to Princing, the truth is that sometimes quitting is the healthiest option in a not-great situation — or because something even better has arrived on your doorstep.

    Annie Duke is the author of Quit: The Power of Knowing When to Walk Away. Quitting is often misunderstood as failure. However, quitting can be strategic and a necessary decision means cutting your losses. It is important to distinguish that learning to effectively quit can free us from bad investments, unhealthy relationships, open us to new opportunities, and improve our decision-making.

    Quitting can be a good thing:

    • Minimize losses: Cut your losses, redirect your time, energy, and resources.
    • Opportunity cost: Continuing with something that is not good, can prevent you from pursuing better options.
    • Cognitive and emotional freedom: Quitting can remove the emotional and mental burden of sticking with something that is not working.

    According to Duke, quitting is not just about the big, macro changes; it can be about small things that you have been holding onto and need to let go.

    It could be quitting treating yourself badly, i.e., “oh, I am not good at this,” “why do I bother?” or “Doesn’t matter, it turns out the same no matter what.” Quitting could be about stopping being negative, quit thinking you are not worth the time. Sometimes we must quit something to make room for a good change in our lives. Knowing when to quit or give up can be liberating. Yet, it can be quite scary.

    Author Julia Keller notes in her book, Quitting: A Life Strategy that grit is not always great. Sticking it out does not always pay off and quitting can be an unexpected act of self-love.

    Have you ever thought about quitting something? Did you do it? How did it feel?

    “The idea that winners never quit is both overly simplistic and false. Most successful people have ‘quit’ several times.” – Paul Jarvis, Company of One

    Resources:

    Image. Retrieved on 8/9/2025 from https://www.freepik.com/free-vector/hand-drawn-flat-design-overwhelmed-people-illustration_24683085.htm

    Acuff, Jon. Quitter: Closing the Gap Between Your Day Job & Your Dream Job. Ramsey Press ©2015

    Bureau of Labor Statistics. U.S. Department of Labor. “Employee Tenure in 2024.” Retrieved on 8/5/2025 from https://www.bls.gov/news.release/pdf/tenure.pdf#:~:text=The%20median%20number%20of%20years%20that%20wage%20and,the%20U.S.%20Bureau%20of%20Labor%20Statistics%20reported%20today.

    Duke, Annie. Quit: The Power of Knowing When to Walk Away. Penguin Publishing Group. ©2022

    “The Feeling of wanting to quit is normal, it might mean something, it might not.” Retrieved on 8/2/2025 from https://anotherdoor.squarespace.com/another-door-blog/2025/3/24/the-feeling-of-wanting-to-quit-is-normal-it-might-mean-something-it-might-not

    Keller, Julia. Quitting: A Life Strategy: The Myth of Perseverance―and How the New Science of Giving Up Can Set You Free. © April 2023. Book review Retrieved on 8/2/2025 from https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/61918826-quitting

    Princing, McKenna. “Quitting Is not Always Bad. Here is the Best Way to Do It.” 12/18/2023. Retrieved on 8/2/2025 from https://rightasrain.uwmedicine.org/life/work/how-to-quit-gracefully

    Spicer, Andre. “When to Stick with Something-and When to quit.” 10/1/2018. Harvard Business Review. Retrieved on 8/2/2025 from https://hbr.org/2018/09/when-to-stick-with-something-and-when-to-quit

  • Unbecoming Everything That You Are Not (Finding Your Purpose, Part 3)

    August 3, 2025

    Have you taken on tasks, style, characteristics, perspectives, or personal narratives, to fit in with others’ ideas about you and society, but it really isn’t you?

    In the last two blog posts, I shared information about ways and options to find your purpose in life. But what if what we have become is not truly us? What if we have become were to fit in with a group of people? Who we are now is blocking us from finding our true purpose?

    “Maybe the journey isn’t about becoming anything,” wrote Paulo Coelho, Brazilian novelist and lyricist. “Maybe it’s about unbecoming everything that isn’t really you, so you can be who you were meant to be in the first place.”

    I have struggled at times to become someone else, in order to fit in. I felt like an outsider at times in school. I felt a little bit like that in college until I joined a sorority where I could be me and warmly accepted. I then felt I belonged. I even have felt that way as an adult, wanting to make friends. I realized, I was showing less of who I really was to fit in. It was uncomfortable and at times agonizing.

    A big part of finding our purpose is to understand who we really are and align it with our values. I realized along this bumpy road, that being authentic was more important than my desire to fit in. Even at the age of 58, I am still unbecoming everything that I am not.

    Today, I came across a YouTube video short by young person named Shawn Khoe. He shared that too many teenagers and college students feel pressure to be someone that they are not. They may start dressing a certain way or acting in a different way to fit in.  He was concerned that these individuals did not have self esteem, worth, or love for themselves.

    “You shouldn’t force yourself to become someone you’re not just to fit in with others,” stated Shawn Khoe.

    I do not think the idea of fitting in or pressure to fit in subsides as an adult.  It is just a bigger and different playing field. Think of your idea of success compared to society’s or a peer group’s view of success: where you need to be on the career ladder, perhaps the material items you own, etc. After that, you maybe chasing something that does not make you fulfilled. Perhaps that is why you are seeking your purpose in life.

    “Life is not about you, life is about the life you touch,” wrote Neale Donald Walsch.

    I have learned a few things about cutting things out. As a photographer, I have spent time cropping out things in a photo to focus on the subject. I have also learned a few things in gardening.  Pruning is key to keep the plant or flower alive, well, and blooming. I have been focusing on subtracting things in my life. As a speaker, I use pauses to create anticipation.  As a writer, words that are not in the final piece are just as important as the words that remain. It is called editing.

    Author Jim Collins once said, “A great piece of art is composed not just of what is in the final piece, but equally important, what is not. It is the discipline to discard what does not fit — to cut out what might have already cost days or even years of effort — that distinguishes the truly exceptional artist and marks the ideal piece of work, be it a symphony, a novel, a painting, a company or, most important of all, a life.”

    From the teaching of Lao Tzu, “to attain knowledge, add things every day. To attain wisdom, subtract things everyday.“  It is not doing things is just as important as doing things.  I think this applies to our personal selves. Shed is what is not important on your journey i.e. habits, narratives, perspectives of who you are. Be more proactive in choosing what you take with you and what you do not take with you.

    Matthew E. May, author of The Laws of Subtraction: 6 Simple Rules for Winning in the Age of Excess Everything, suggests that you create a “not to do list” to accompany your “to do list.” Give careful thought to prioritizing your goals, projects, and tasks, then eliminate the bottom twenty percent of your list-forever. Secondly, ask family, friends, and associates who matter to you most-what would they like you to stop doing. You maybe surprised just how long that list is.

    In the pursuit of less is powerful, when you remove just the right things in just the right way, something good happens, wrote May.

    I think as I grow older, I have learned the importance of decluttering, editing, cropping, and curating what I have, what I want to be, and to become a more authentic me. This will indeed help me as I seek my purpose and strive to fulfill it.

    Resources:

    Image retrieved on 8/1/2025 from https://www.freepik.com/free-vector/hand-drawn-world-mental-health-day-with-woman_9666661.htm

    Ako, Cindy. “The Art of Unbecoming Anything That You Are Not You.” Video. 3/5/2021. Retrieved on 8/1/2025 from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rakh8iK5kUw

    Khoe, Shawn. “You Shouldn’t Force Yourself to Become Someone You’re Not Just to Fit In with Others.” Video. 3/2/2025. Retrieved on 8/1/2025 from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fl6IVZhvqVs

    May, Mathew E. “The Art of Adding by Taking Away.” New York Times. 1/19/2013. Retrieved on 8/1/2025 from https://www.nytimes.com/2013/01/20/jobs/matthew-may-on-the-art-of-adding-by-taking-away.html

  • It’s Time to Explore Your Purpose

    August 1, 2025

    I realized after writing my blog on Finding Your Purpose, that topic was too broad for one post. I continued my research; I came across other information that could help you find your purpose.

    The New York Times did a study that showed only twenty-five percent of people know their life’s purpose. People are wandering through life unsure why they are here on this earth.

    What is the purpose? A blog on calm.com described purpose as an invisible compass that guides us through life, leading us to fulfillment and meaning. A strong sense of purpose can motivate us to reach our potential. It is an individual journey. Purpose is not a fixed entity, but evolves and changes as we grow, learn, and experience life.

    I was watching a video by Jay Shetty the other day about finding your purpose. Many of us feel pressure to find our purpose in our twenties, but many successful people find their stride later.

    There is not one clear way to find purpose, stated Jay Shetty, however, there are four parts:

    1. Pain –  Many found their true purpose through pain. These people experienced such pain in early life, that they so want to help others to get through it. Perhaps you wish no one else must go through that.
    2. Potential  –  Skills, mindsets, abilities that we have but not yet aware of it. Process of sampling. Try a new skill each week. All the game of odds. Allow yourself to fail, make mistakes.
    3. Problem on the planet  –   A Challenge that pulls you to solve. Outside problem or pain.
    4. Platform  –  In order to have an impact, any experience can be used as a platform to serve others.

    “Your unique niche is in discovering the purpose of your life, developing yourself for that purpose and then deploying yourself in that purpose,” noted Myron Golden.

    According to Calm.com’s blog, our quest for purpose is deeply embedded in our psychological and emotional fabric. A life lived with purpose is one that’s enriched with happiness, motivation, and mental wellbeing. It helps us find meaning in everyday life, bringing fulfillment and contentment.

    Where does one start? In a TEDx talk in 2023, Tyler Cerny shares three powerful questions to ask yourself.

    1. Whom am I called to serve? This question helps you switch from you to who. Think about who you can help and serve. When called to serve, think about someone that you can relate to and possible share a similar experience.
    2. What problem am I called to solve? Start with someone that you like to work with. What problems do they have? What problems did you have in your life that you solved?
    3. How am I called to solve this problem?

    Cerny noted in his TEDx talk to start with the “who” and the validate with why. Write a purpose statement. Then ask yourself why are you doing this? Do you enjoy doing it? Do you have peace when you are doing it?

    Finding your purpose is challenging as it is not just about who you are but what you want to become. Finding our purpose is different for each person.

    According to the Paramporul Foundation, one of the first steps in finding your purpose is finding on what you value deeply. Identify your core beliefs and passions, these will serve as the foundation for a meaningful life. Identify your unique talents and strengths. What naturally comes to you. Consider and connect to causes that resonate with you. Find ways to engage in these causes.

    Embrace new experiences. It can be scary to do so, but it will be good for you. Practice gratitude. Set time aside each day to reflect on the positive moments or experiences. Not only is gratitude good for the soul, it will help you identify what is truly important to you. In my next blog post, I will share the importance of shedding parts of self that no longer help us but might even hold us back. I found this to be key for me as I find my purpose.

    “Remember, our passion is for you. Your Purpose is for others. When you use your passion in service of others it becomes your purpose,” stated Jay Shetty

    Resources:

    Image. Retrieved on 7/30/2025 from https://www.freepik.com/free-photo/hiker-looking-compass_4150014.htm

    Calm.com “How to Find Purpose and Discover Your Path in Life.” Blog.calm.com Retrieved on 7/28/2025 from https://blog.calm.com/blog/how-to-find-purpose

    Cerny, Tyler. “Finding Your Life’s Purpose Instantly with 3 Powerful Questions.” TEDxJCU

    Video. 5/23/2023. Retrieved on 7/25/2025 from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vzo2wMWa9GQ&t=5s

    Paramporul Foundation. “10 Ways to Find Your Purpose in Life.” 10/29/2024 Retrieved on 7/30/2025 from https://www.paramporulfoundation.com/how-to-find-your-purpose-in-life/.

    Shetty, Jay. (video) “Finding Your Life’s Purpose by Doing this one Thing.” Retrieved on 7/24/2025 from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aNAZZVVLzAA&t=2s

    Retrieved on 7/24/2025 from https://www.youtube.com/shorts/b_VePQpQEbU

  • Finding a Purpose in Your Life

    Monday, July 21, 2025

    Do you struggle to find or discover your purpose in life? I have as well. Does anyone have just one purpose in life? Or does it change and evolve over time? I know many people who do have purpose: One has passion for creating personal care boxes for those with substance abuse and addiction while moving into homes. I know another who has worked tirelessly to find options for the homeless. I have met people through volunteer work tutoring adults with literacy challenges. I admire these individuals, yet I hate to admit it, I envy them as well.

    At present, I am struggling. When I was younger, I focused on creating art and writing outside of my paid job. Later as a young parent, I saw my purpose to be a nurturing parent of my two sons. As they grew older and required less immediate attention, I sought purpose as an outreach volunteer and coordinator at church.

    Jeremy Adam Smith, editor of Greater Good magazine, wrote that for decades, psychologists have studied how long-term, meaningful goals develop over the span of our lives.

    “The goals that foster a sense of purpose are ones that can potentially change the lives of other people,” said Smith, “like launching an organization, researching disease, or teaching kids to read.”

    A sense of purpose has evolved in humans, so that we can accomplish important things together.  Those things are associated with better physical and mental health, wrote Smith. Purpose is adaptive as it is evolutionary. It helps both individuals and the species to survive.

    In 2016, I founded an arts ministry at my church that lasted six years. Artful Spirit Connection arts ministry was my purpose. I poured my energy and focused on it wholeheartedly. Once that arts ministry ended a few years ago, I floundered, and I lost my anchor. I have felt that my soul and spirit break apart in little pieces. I know logically that not all things last a lifetime. Yet it was hard to say goodbye.

    As Smith points out, finding purpose or discovering our purpose from our unique gifts is only part of the truth. Our purpose also grows from our connection to others, which is why a crisis of purpose is often a symptom of isolation.

    I find this part intriguing. After Artful Spirit Connection ended, I pulled away from my church family. In my mind, I thought it was best as I was burnt out. I was also grieving, as my biggest cheerleader and supporter, our priest, became ill with cancer. Eventually, he sadly passed away. In my grief, I pulled away. Instead of feeling relief, I felt alone. My anxiety increased, as well as my depression. I isolated myself from doing so, it exacerbated my feelings of being lost. In the last year, I have done some soul searching, though purpose would be fulfilled in trying to create a business of selling my art. It did not, it failed. As much as I wanted a key focus, I was not driven emotionally. I am still seeking it. It is one of the reasons that I started this blog.

    Discovering your life purpose, according to Jeremy Sutton, Ph.D., involves exploring passions, values, and strengths to create a fulfilling and meaningful existence.

    Over time, psychologists have increasingly begun to realize the importance of meaning to our wellbeing and happiness, wrote Sutton, adding, recent research suggests that people with increased meaning are better off. They are happier and exhibit increased life satisfaction, and lowered depression.

    “Meaning in life may be defined as the extent to which a person experiences his or her life as having purpose, significance, and coherence,” wrote Sutton.

    Smith suggested that there are a few ways to help with the feeling of crisis for the purpose of life:

    • Read-find books that matter to you and inspire you.
    • Turning hurts into healing for others. Finding purpose is not just an intellectual pursuit. It is something we need to feel. Sometimes another person’s pain can lead us to our purpose.
    • Cultivate awe, gratitude, and altruism. An experience of awe helps feel connected to something larger than us. Awe alone is not enough, you need to feel driven to make a positive impact; this is where gratitude and generosity come into play, wrote Smith.
    • Listen to what other people appreciate about you. Giving thanks can help you find purpose in what people thank you for. Appreciation for what you do for others can fuel a sense of purpose.
    • Find and build community. We can find a sense of purpose in people around us. Interestingly, the nobility of our purpose reflects the company we keep, noted Smith.
    • Tell your story. As I noted earlier, reading can help you find your purpose but also writing.

    Psychologist Kendall Bronk, leading expert on purpose, wrote that research by William Damon, Robert Emmons, and others have found that children and adults who are able to count their blessings are much more likely to try to contribute to the world beyond themselves.

    According to Smith, Purpose often arises from curiosity about your own life. Creating a narrative can help us see our own strengths and apply those strengths to be effective in the world, which over time increases our sense of self-efficacy.

    Adopting a growth mindset can help lead to increased purpose in life. Look at your strengths, explore your weaknesses, accept mistakes are part of learning, and find ways to motivate yourself noted Sutton.

    Dr. Jordan Grumet wrote that, “By identifying our purpose anchors (activities that energize and inspire us), we gain insight into what purpose can look like in our lives. Sometimes this means reflecting on regrets, recalling childhood joys, or simply experimenting through trial and error—”

    Bronk noted that through working with adolescents, some teens found purpose through hardship. However, most people find purpose in a more meandering way through a combination of education, experience, and self-reflection.

    Bronk said finding purpose can get jump started.

    • Identify the things that you care about. What are you good at? What have you done that gave you a skill that can be used? What do you care about in your community?
    • Reflect on what matters most. Sometimes it is hard to single out one or two things. Value will be increased if you can narrow down your purpose in life to something manageable.
    • Recognize your strengths and talents. What is unique about your skills or strengths? What are you particularly good at? What do you enjoy?
    • Try volunteering. Try new things, see what activities enable you to use your skills.
    • Imagine your best self. What are you doing? What is important to you? What do you really care about and why? The “why” part is key.
    • Cultivate the positive like gratitude and awe.
    • Look at the people that you admire.

    Grumet notes that purpose is not passive. It demands courage to take what you care about and turn it into something active, something meaningful. He suggested that we follow activities that light us up. Connect with people with shared interests. In time, you may be able to connect, collaborate, and grow together. That is how purpose builds community.

    I will dive a little deeper into Finding Your Purpose in my next blog as well.

    “There is no greater gift you can give or receive than to honor your calling. It is why you were born. And how you become most truly alive.”–Oprah Winfrey

    Resources:

    Image retrieved on 7/20/2025 from <a href=”https://www.freepik.com/free-vector/business-flat-design-style-illustration_16359264.htm”>Image by rawpixel.com on Freepik</a>

    Grumet, Jordan, MD. “Purpose Isn’t a Destination, It’s A Climb.” Psychology Today. 6/30/2025. Retrieved on 7/17/2025 from https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/the-regret-free-life/202506/purpose-isnt-a-destination-its-a-climb/amp

    Smith, Jeremy Adam. “How to Find Purpose in Life.” Greater Good. 1/10/2018. Retrieved on 7/17/2025 from https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/how_to_find_your_purpose_in_life

    Suttie, Jill. “Seven Ways to Find Your Purpose in Life. Having a meaningful, long-term goal is good for your well-being.” Greater good. 8/6/2020. Retrieved on 7/17/2025 from https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/seven_ways_to_find_your_purpose_in_life

    Sutton, Ph.D. Jeremy. “15 Ways to Find Your Purpose of Life & Realize Your Meaning.” Positive Psychology. 10/15/2020. Retrieved on 7/17/2025 from https://positivepsychology.com/find-your-purpose-of-life/

  • Perfectionism is a trap, Do not get caught

    June 21, 2025

    Perfectionism is a personality trait characterized by a relentless pursuit of flawlessness and high standards. It can manifest as self-motivation and drive to achieve success, but it often leads to anxiety and low self-worth when those standards are not met according to Psychology Today.

    Perfectionism is driven primarily by internal pressure to avoid failure or harsh judgment.

    I had given much thought to perfectionism as a fear of failure. I have a better understanding now that I have done a research into it for this blog.

    I was skimming through my book title on my shelf and came across a Brene Brown’s book that I had not yet read, I Thought It Was Me But It Isn’t. It was published in 2007. What caught my attention was the blurb on the back promoting the book. It read as follows:

    “We spend too much precious time and energy managing perceptions and creating carefully edited versions of ourselves to show to the world. There is a constant barrage of social expectations that teach us that being imperfect is synonymous with being inadequate…So we learn to hide our struggles and protect ourselves from shame, judgment, criticism, and blame by seeking safety in pretending and perfection,” wrote author Harriet Lerner, Ph.D., The Dance of Anger.

    Lerner notes Brene Brown’s book is long overdue. It highlights an important truth: our imperfections are what connect us to one another and to our humanity, adding, our vulnerabilities are not weaknesses.  They are powerful reminders to keep our hearts and minds open to the reality that we’re all in this together.

    Psychology Today states on that what makes extreme perfectionism so toxic is that while those in its grip desire success, they are most focused on avoiding failure, resulting in a negative orientation. They don’t believe in unconditional love, expecting others’ affection and approval to be dependent on a flawless performance.

    See how dangerous that can be to our self-esteem, worth, and confidence?

    What are the signs that someone is a perfectionists? According to Psychology Today and VerywellHealth.com, here are some traits:

    • They set unrealistically high expectation for themselves and others.
    • They are quick to find fault and overly critical of mistakes. They can beat themselves up for small mistakes and/or expect too much of other people.
    • They have a fear of failure.
    • They think constantly about their past failures or future goals. They often seek reassurance from others to assume themselves of their worth and aptitude.
    • Yet, some perfectionists are so afraid of receiving negative feedback that they avoid it at all costs. They can get defensive when receiving constructive criticism.
    • They shrug off compliments and forget to celebrate their success.
    • They focus only on results. They are so concerned about hitting that goal and avoiding failure. This prevents them from enjoying the process of growing and striving.
    • They look to specific people in their life for approval and validation.

    What I did not know is there are three kinds of perfectionism or domains:

    • Self-oriented: imposing an unrealistic desire to be perfect on oneself.
    • Other-oriented: imposing unrealistic standards of perfection on others.
    • Socially-prescribed: perceiving unrealistic expectations of perfection from others.

    Perfectionism is a personality trait that can be harmful if taken too far. Although it is not a mental illness itself, it is a common factor in many mental disorders such as anxiety and depression, OCD obsessive compulsive disorder, and Eating disorders.

    Interestingly, meta data studies and analysis, is showing that perfectionism has become more common over the past several decades. In a 2019 study among college students in the USA, Canada, and the United Kingdom, revealed rates of perfectionism increased significantly between 1989 and 2016.

    Dr. Elizabeth Scott, Ph.D wrote that perfection is a double-edged sword. It is the driving force behind a high achiever or it can be a liability.

    Perfectionists, like high achievers, set and work hard to achieve lofty goals. Whereas, a high achiever can be satisfied knowing they did their best and achieved a goal, a perfectionism will accept nothing less than perfection. “Almost perfect is seen as a failure,” wrote Scott.

    I found this contrast interesting, high achievers are often pulled towards their goals by a desire to achieve them. They are happy with any steps in the right direction. However, according to Scott, perfectionists tend to be pushed by a fear of anything less than a perfectly met goal.

    If perfectionism is left unchecked, according to professionals, it can affect daily life and functioning:

    • Time management
    • Relationships
    • Stress levels
    • Physical and mental health.

    In Brown’s book, I Thought It Was Just Me, she shared a story about when she was a new mom trying to work from home. She laid down her two month old daughter down for a nap before a phone interview while at home. Five minutes into the interview, the baby starts crying.  Brown is trying to mute so the interviewers do not hear the baby crying. Brown had an image of balancing being a new mom and working from home, based on a commercial. Realities of motherhood hit hard. Stress of the situation was too much. Brown took herself out of the running for the community research project. It triggered shame, as she did not want to be seen as incapable of balancing motherhood and work. She did not want to be seen as “needing help.”

    My experience with perfectionism has not been a very positive experience. When my younger son with autism was little, many environments triggered sensory overload. I felt bad for his older brother when we had to leave the book store, library, or playground because his younger brother started to act out or get upset. I felt that stare, heard the comments from other moms on the playground, in a playgroup, at the library story time, or in school at the parent teacher organization (PTO) meeting. I sensed criticism from other moms regarding my parenting ability. It made it very difficult to make friends with other moms.  

    Over the years, I have also experienced perfectionism from bosses and co-volunteers. It makes it challenging and demoralizing when you are working hard and at your best, but good is not enough.  It is particularly challenging if the volunteer leader in charge is a perfectionist. Several years back, I was ready to quit an organization that I was part of because of a volunteer leader’s style, manner, lack of flexibility, and approach. I communicated with that person, and we worked out some of the kinks. It was not the best situation, but it was good enough.

    Just remember that the quest for perfection is exhausting and relenting wrote Lerner.

    “Excellence is a value. Perfectionism is an insecurity.”— author unknown.

    Resources:

    Image retrieved on 6/21/2025 from <a href=”https://www.freepik.com/free-vector/freedom-concept-illustration_44955439.htm”>Image by storyset on Freepik</a>

    Brown, Ph.D. LMSW,  Brene. I Thought It Was Just Me (But It Isn’t): Making the Journey from “What Will People Think?” to ‘I am Enough. Avery, an imprint of Penguin Random House, NY. ©2007

    Dorwart, Laura. “Understanding Perfectionism.” Updated on 6/10/2025. Retrieved on 6/21/2025 from https://www.verywellhealth.com/perfectionism-5323816.

    Psychology Today. “Perfectionsim.”  Retrieved on 6/18/2025 from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/perfectionism?msockid=24f8ebd9437164501298fedc42c365fc

    Scott, Ph.D. Elizabeth. “Perfectionism: 10 Signs of Perfectionist Traits. When Good Enough Isn’t Good Enough.” 6/172024. Retrieved on 6/21/2025 from https://www.verywellmind.com/signs-you-may-be-a-perfectionist-3145233

  • Embrace You as a Work in Progress

    June 14, 2025

    Do you accept yourself? It is not an easy thing to do. For some of us, it is damn difficult.

    What is self-acceptance? Self-acceptance is the act of acknowledging and embracing both your strengths and weaknesses without judgment, leading to a more positive and fulfilling self-image. It involves recognizing your imperfections and making peace with them, as well as celebrating your unique qualities and accomplishments. 

    Building self-acceptance is a skill, stated Stephanie Lemek. Added, if you cannot practice self-acceptance, you are limiting your ability to be self-aware and grow into the best version of yourself.

    I have learned quite a bit about myself since starting this blog. Through my research , I have gained an education. I am now practicing ways to increase my self-esteem, increase my self-awareness, and build my self-worth. Thanks to taking on this blog nearly six months ago, I have become more confident and revived a love of writing, something that I had ignored. I had to remind myself that writing is one of my strengths.

    However, I admit that full self-acceptance has been a bit more elusive. As I worked to improve in several areas, good nutrition and exercise have not been a priority of mine, and I feel it in my body. I have been in better shape in the past. I have taken better care of my body. My body has changed due to the physical changes brought on by perimenopause and now menopause. My mind and perspective have changed, yet accepting all of me, my body as it is now, is a very big hurdle.

    “Embracing your life means being true to yourself, not living by someone else’s rules or expectations,” wrote author and journalist John-Manuel Andriote. He added, embracing your life means being willing to stand out, to take risks, and to receive disapproval or rejection of your choices.

    The author and podcaster Jay Shetty once said, “The reason we struggle to accept ourselves is because we think that means I must think ‘it’s my fault.’ When it becomes my fault now, I become depressed by that idea. It’s disempowering. It brings me down. Whereas, when you say, ‘Well it’s not my fault, but it is my responsibility.’ That’s empowering. It gives you a sense of choice, and direction, and design.”

    Last week, I wrote about self-talk and the importance of what language that we use to describe ourselves. I admit, I have asked myself, “why did you let yourself go like this?”  My answers would be harsh and mean. I am accepting me as I am now. Instead, I ask in what way am I strong and attractive. Focusing on the positive does not mean ignoring the not so pleasant physical features, yet it is empowering to move forward toward better care of my body. Body shaming is not the answer, as it is disempowering and discouraging.  It’s best to handle one step at a time.

    Stephanie Lemek stated, “this doesn’t mean you won’t change; we all change, of course, and our self-acceptance will flex with those changes. It may be helpful to think of self-acceptance as acceptance of yourself now, as you are an acceptance of who you can become.”

    Author and podcaster Jordan Lee Dooley wrote in her book Own Your Everyday, it is important to focus on who you are and not what you do. She believes that we need to know who we are before we can figure out what as individuals we are meant to do.

    Here are a few ways to start:

    Know yourself.

    • Understand your values, beliefs and personality.
    • Identify what you like and love about yourself.
    • Stop the comparison game. No good really comes from comparing yourself to others, particularly what you see on social media.

    Be True to yourself. Live True to Yourself.

    • How do you want to live your life?
    • Don’t conform or try to fit a mold that does not suit you.
    • Express yourself freely. Speak your mind, act authentically, let yourself shine.
    • Embrace your differences. What is unique about you?

    Love and accept yourself.

    • Take charge of your life. Make choices that align with your values.
    • Show up for yourself. Keep promises to yourself. Be responsible for your own happiness and well-being.
    • Embrace your journey. There will be smooth waters, rough currents, storms, and sunshine.

    According to Bessel van der Kolk, MD., author of The Body Keeps the Score., “Neuroscience research shows that the only way we can change the way we feel is by becoming aware of our inner experience and learning to befriend what is going inside ourselves.”

    Self-awareness is a tool for personal growth and development, wrote van der Kolk.

    “There is freedom in being yourself,” noted Blogger Nike Trimble.

    I used to think that accepting who “I am” meant settling or being stuck in the present. I perceived that meant leaving no room to grow or improve. “I am what I am; I am not changing.”  I was wrong. I have experienced the opposite. Accepting who I am now, I am aware of my strengths, weaknesses, passions, areas for improvement, and areas to experiment. It is a starting point, not an ending one. I am a work in progress.

    Lemek pointed out in her article that there is a misconception of self-acceptance, that once you accept yourself, you don’t have anything to work on or grow. She wrote that it is not true. Self-acceptance is not about achieving perfection. Rather, self-acceptance gives us the power to better understand where we are and work to improve without judgment for not being perfect.

    Brene Brown said, “how much we know ourselves is extremely important but how we treat ourselves is the most important.”

    Resources:

    Image retrieved on 6/14/2025 from https://www.freepik.com/free-vector/young-woman-standing-front-mirror-motivate-confident-you-can-it-vector-illustration_10108732.htm#fromView=search&page=1&position=8&uuid=0fa582d6-61bf-44b0-aa87-4a244840ba0b&query=self+acceptance

    Andriote, John-Manuel. “What It Means to Embrace Life and the Path You Choose.” 1/22/2022. Retrieved on 6/11/2025 from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/stonewall-strong/202201/what-it-means-to-embrace-your-life-and-the-path-you-chose

    Bernock, Danielle. “Why It’s Hard to Embrace Who You Are and What to Do.” Retrieved on 6/11/2025 from https://www.daniellebernock.com/why-its-hard-to-embrace-who-you-are-and-what-to-do/

    Brach, Tara. Radical Self-Acceptance.

    Dooley, Jordan Lee. Own Your Every Day: Overcome the Pressure to Prove and Show Up for What You Were Made to Do. Waterbook, an imprint of Crown Publishing. New York, New York. ©2019.

    Lemek Stephanie. “Self-Acceptance-the Missing Key to Your Personal Health, Growth & Development.” Retrieved on 6/7/2025 from https://medium.com/hlwf-healthcare-healthtech-lifesciences-wellness/self-acceptance-the-missing-key-to-your-personal-growth-development-bbbb19122c5b

    Shetty, Jay. “Self-Acceptance” video short. 8/4/2022. Retrieved on 6/7/2025 from

    Trimble, Nika. “Embracing Who You Are.” 7/30/2021. Medium. Retrieved on 6/11/2025 from https://medium.com/know-thyself-heal-thyself/embracing-who-you-are-d70d3146e567.

    Van de Kolk, MD, Bessel. The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma. Penguin Books. ©2015

  • Self-Talk Matters

    June 7, 2025

    Psychology Today defines self-talk as the internal dialogues or conversations that individuals have with themselves in their minds. It can be conscious thoughts or unconscious beliefs and biases, providing a way for the brain to interpret and process daily experiences. 

    Think about what you have said to yourself today. Was it kind and helpful? Was it critical? How did you feel afterwards? Would you say to another person what you say to yourself?

    I would not dare say some of the things to a friend or family friend that I tell myself. It would be so hurtful, mean, and rude. Yet, I cannot seem to stop the negative and hurtful self-talk that towards myself. I have struggled for many years. I am actively working with my counselor to help me eliminate the negative self-talk. It is not easy and very challenging.

    Self-talk is your inner voice. We do self-talk naturally each day, according to Healthline.com. Fortunately, people are becoming more aware that positive self-talk is a powerful tool to increase your self-confidence, wrote York, adding, those who master positive self-talk are thought to be more confident, motivated, and productive.

    According to Healthdirect, an Australian health website, self-talk matters. It has a significant impact on how you feel, what you do, and even how you manage pain.

    This is how self-talk affects you:

    • Negative self-talk is when you are overly critical of yourself, focusing on the bad.
    • Your self-talk affects your mental health and how you face each day.
    • You can stop negative self-talk by being aware of it and by challenging and replacing those thoughts with positive ones.
    • Positive self-talk can improve your well-being and lower depression and anxiety.

    “Your thoughts are the source of your emotions and mood. The conversations you have with yourself can be destructive or beneficial. They influence how you feel about yourself and you respond to events in your life,” wrote Susan York.

    Here are some effects of self-talk:

    • Shapes self-perception and self-identity.
    • Influences our emotions and mood.
    • Affects our self-confidence and self-esteem.
    • Guides behavior and decision-making.
    • Alters perceptions of stress and adversity.
    • It influences motivation and goal attainment.

    It is more than content. Language that we use with ourselves that matters. Researchers have found it is not just what you say to yourself, it is also the language that you use to say it.

    According to a 2014 scientific report, researchers described how the language we use in self-talk matters. Do not refer to yourself in the first person like “I” or “me.”  Use third person pronouns in self-talk as it can help you step back and think more objectively about your response and emotions.

    For example, instead saying “I am anxious,” start telling yourself, “she is anxious.”  This shift can help you detach from emotion and think more objectively. Studies, like the one published in Scientific Reports have shown the benefits of using third person pronouns. Another suggestion is to use your name with the second person pronoun, “you can do this, Paula.”

    A retired endurance athlete and science writer, Christopher Bergland stated that during times of distress or when you’re reminiscing about painful experiences from your past, talking to yourself in the third person — by using non-first-person pronouns or your own name — can help you stay calm, cool, and collected.

    According to Positive Psychology.com, our patterns of self-talk are often negative. People focus on the pre-conceived ideas that they are not good enough or they are a failure, or they cannot do anything right. The human brain is hardwired to remember negative experiences over positive ones. So, individuals will recall the times that they did not get something quite right over the times that they did. Then those thoughts ruminate in the mind.

    On the other hand, positive self-talk uses encouraging and affirming language which can help build confidence and improve emotional well-being. Benefits of positive self-talk include:

    • Helps reduce stress.
    • Helps boost confidence and resilience.
    • Helps build better relationships.

    Ethan Kross is a psychologist at the University of Michigan. He studies how people use pronouns inside their minds in their self-talk. Those that use “I” in their mental dialogue, May say something like this: “oh my God, how can take on this speech with so little time to prepare.”

    Whereas, people who used their own names in their dialogue were more likely to give themselves support and advice. “Ethan, you got this, you have done speeches before.” Study participants sounded more rational, and less emotional. They were able to distance themselves from their emotions.

    Banishing your critic, noted by Jan Roberts, will not be easy. It makes more effort to do so for some. It is worthwhile, as it can better yourself and improve your sense of self-worth.

    Here are a few suggestions to make changes to your self-talk:

    • Identify self-talk traps. Some situations may cause us to resort to negative self-talk than others.
    • Utilize positive affirmations. Use little notes, post-its with positive expressions. This can impact your mindset.
    • Check in with your emotions regularly. Positive self-talk takes effort as we are so attuned to negative self-talk.
    • Create boundaries. Think about the people in your life. Some people may not bring out the best in us. Focus on surrounding yourself with people who talk positively about you and encourage you.

    I will end this blog with this quote:

    “Words matter. And the words that matter most are the ones you say to yourself.”― David Taylor-Klaus

    Resources:

    Image Retrieved on 5/30/2025 from <a href=”https://www.freepik.com/free-photo/arrangement-optimism-concept-elements_12558668.htm”>Image by freepik</a>

    Bergland, Christopher. ‘Self-Talk Using Third-Person Pronouns Hacks Your Vagus Nerve.” 5/23/2017. Retrieved on 5/30/2025 from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-athletes-way/201705/self-talk-using-third-person-pronouns-hacks-your-vagus-nerve.

    Bergland, Christopher. “Silent Third Person Self-Talk Facilitates Emotion Regulation.” 7/28/2017. Retrieved on 5/30/2025 from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-athletes-way/201707/silent-third-person-self-talk-facilitates-emotion-regulation

    Mead, BSc, Elaine. “What is Positive Self-Talk?” 9/26/2019. Retrieved on 5/30/2025 from https://positivepsychology.com/positive-self-talk/#:~:text=Positive%20Self%2DTalk%3A%20’I,to%20get%20the%20work%20done.

    Roberts, Jan. “What do you say when you talk to yourself?.” 5/5/2021. Retrieved on 5/30/2025 from https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/what-do-you-say-when-talk-yourself-jan-robberts/.

    “Self-Talk.” Retrieved on 4/23/2025 from https://psychology.tips/self-talk/

    “Self-Talk-what is it and why is it important.” Retrieved on 4/23/2025 from https://www.healthdirect.gov.au/self-talk

    Starecheski, Laura. Changing Lives for Women: “Why Saying is Believing-The Science of Self-Talk.” 10/7/2014. Morning Edition. NPR. Retrieved on 5/30/2025 from https://www.npr.org/sections/health-shots/2014/10/07/353292408/why-saying-is-believing-the-science-of-self-talk

    York, Susan. “What are the Benefits of Self-Talk?”  Healthline.com. 12/19/2016. Retrieved on 5/30/2025 from https://www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/self-talk

  • What Does It Take to Create Self-Confidence?

    5/31/2025

    The American Psychological Association defines self-confidence as “a belief that one is capable of successfully meeting the demands of a task.”

    Confidence is not just a feeling, it is a state of mind, according to MentorLoop.com blogger/writer Emily Ryan.

    Psychotherapist Amy Morin stated that self-confidence can give you a general sense of trust in your ability to control your life.

    Confidence is not innate. Yet, it can be developed and nurtured over time, wrote Ryan.

    According to the Mentorink.com website, confidence is not something that may come naturally, yet it is something that can be learned and improved over time.

    In 2012, Dr. Ivan Joseph, a sports psychologist, shared his definition of self-confidence during his TEDX talk. Joseph defined confidence as the ability to believe in yourself, to accomplish any task, no matter the odds, no matter the difficulty, and no matter the adversity. Self-confidence is a skill, as it can be trained, stated Joseph.

    There is no magic pill that anyone can take to create self-confidence, noted Joseph. We expect to be self-confident, but we can’t be unless the skill or the task that we are doing is not novel or new to us.

    Morin added that cultivating and maintaining confidence is not easy, and it can be an easy thing to lose when you feel like you’ve failed or made a mistake.

    According to Dr. Joseph, self-confidence requires repetition. It is important that we are in a situation where we can tell ourselves, “Done this a thousand times.”

    We can practice. The problem with repetition is…how many of us bail after the first bit of failure? How many of us bail after the first bit of adversity?

    Practice, repetition, and persistence are key to building self-confidence. Very few of us will persist. One way to build self-confidence, get out there and do want you want to do and do not accept no. The other one is self-talk.

    Self-confidence can be tricky, at least in my experience. I have worked hard to increase my self-confidence. My confidence level has gone up and down. It has been affected when my self-esteem and self-worth have taken major hits. When things did not go right in the first few attempts, I bailed. I told myself that I did not have what it takes. I was short-sighted on so many things. I admit I gave up too soon. My lack of confidence, low self-esteem, and impatience with myself won.

    Confidence enables us to handle failure and setbacks with grace and resilience, wrote Ryan. Confident individuals recognize that failure is not a reflection of their self-worth, but rather an opportunity to learn and grow, adding, failure can go hand in hand with success. Having confidence ensures we can overcome failure faster.

    Podcast Chris Williamson hosts a podcast called, “Modern Wisdom.” Williamson said that for many years he had crippling belief that he was insufficient, as a result he lacked self-confidence. He also suffered from imposter syndrome.

    Williamson commented that if you are someone that deals with a crippling sense of insufficiency, your ability to discount any good thoughts you have in your mind is going to be so strong. If you try to lead with positivity first, “I need to think it, wish it, believe and I will achieve it,” then your set point of negativity will just crush that into the ground.

    Joseph said confidence comes from practice and success. When we do well, we feel good, and our confidence grows.

    As part of my research, self-talk impacts self-confidence. What are your thoughts and the voice in your head saying to you?

    Joseph said we all have self-talk tape that plays in our heads. There are enough people that are telling us we can’t do it and that we are not good enough. Adding, why do we want to tell ourselves that? asked Joseph.

    “No one will believe you unless you do,” said Joseph.

    Recognize and notice when you’re having negative self-talk. Work to convert those negative thoughts and words to positive ones that acknowledge the full credit that you deserve.

    Williamson shares that action is a way to build self-confidence. Stop breaking promises to yourself. If you say you are going to do something, then do it.

    “Confidence is a vital skill to acquire, regardless of where you’re starting from. Whether you’re someone who has always lacked confidence or someone who is simply looking to boost their existing levels, it’s important to remember that confidence is something that can be developed and strengthened over time,” said Ryan.

    Mentorink.com noted that building confidence doesn’t happen immediately, however, you can make some improvements with some consistent effort.

    Here are some ways to build confidence:

    • Cultivate positive self-talk. Challenge your negative thoughts.
    • Practice self-compassion. Be honest about yourself but not mean.
    • Set realistic goals. Each success builds confidence.
    • Step outside of your comfort zone.
    • Improve your competence in specific areas. Learn, practice, and repeat.
    • Seek feedback and learn from mistakes. Persist and persevere.

    What is one small thing that you can commit to doing every day to build skill and confidence?

    “What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.” ―Henry Stanley Haskins

    Resources:

    Image retrieved on 5/30/2025 from <a href=”https://www.freepik.com/free-vector/woman-empowerment-social-media-template-vector-with-woman-character-text-self-confidence-is-best-outfit_20170224.htm”>Image by rawpixel.com on Freepik</a>

    Joseph, Dr. Ivan.” The Skill of Self-confidence.” 1/12/2022. Retrieved on 5/28/2025 from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w-HYZv6HzAs

    Joseph, Dr. Ivan. “The Skill of Self-Confidence.” 8/2/2023. Retrieved on 5/29/2025 from https://castingfrontier.com/blog/the-skill-of-self-confidence/

    Mentorink.com. “Is Confidence a Skill?” 9/8/2024. Retrieved on 5/29/2025 from https://www.mentorink.com/blog/is-confidence-a-skill/#:~:text=What%20is%20Confidence?,handle%20both%20successes%20and%20setbacks.

    Morin, Amy, LCSW. “How to Be More Confident: 9 Tips That Work. Believing in yourself will take you far.” Retrieved on 5/21/2025 from https://www.verywellmind.com/how-to-boost-your-self-confidence-4163098

    Ryan, Emily. “Self-Confidence is not Personality Trait; it’s a Skill to Acquire.” 4/27/2023. Retrieved on 5/29/2025 from https://mentorloop.com/blog/self-confidence/

    University of South Florida, Counseling Center. Department of Student Success. “What is Self-Confidence?” Retrieved on 5/6/2025 fromhttps://www.usf.edu/student-affairs/counseling-center/top-concerns/what-is-self-confidence.aspx

    Williamson, Chris. “How to Build Self-Confidence.” Retrieved on 5/28/2025 from https://www.youtube.com/shorts/szKl-AQrV50