Curious and Creative

Tag: personal-growth

  • Hope Matters. Hope is Essential

    12/6/2025

    Are you a believer in hope, or are you cynic masquerading as a “realist?” I admit lately I spend more time in the second category than the first. My anxiety plays a big part in my view of life.

    My husband has asked me, “Why live in fear and be cynical?”

    I cannot always answer that question when I am in an anxious state. When I am anxious, anxiety hijacks my brain, locking out sensibility and logic. However, once the anxiety and panic have dissipated, logic can take reins again. I can think more clearly.

    Hope carries a lot of weight. I need to re-evaluate where I am. As I dove into research on hope, my brain locked into curiosity. Over the last few days, I have learned that hope is a stand-alone emotion that is a powerful force that makes you feel that your life matters.

    Recent research has shown that hope is more than wishful thinking and more important than happiness. If you face a difficult challenge or uncertain time, it is important to turn to hope.

    William Miller, author of the book 8 Ways to Hope, notes how important it is to hope and ways we can cultivate hope. He defines hope as a complex response, involving feeling, thought, action, vision, a life-force, and a way of seeing or being. He added, it is not a naïve approach to seeing the world, where we ignore problems and engage in “wishful thing.”

    “The essence of hope is envisioned betterment, and serves us well,” wrote Miller.  “As humans we are hardwired to dream a better future, helping us to carry on and survive.”

    University of Missouri’s Psychological Sciences research backs up this idea that hope is integral to fostering meaning in one’s life. U of M researchers. led by Megan Edwards and Laura King in the Psychological Sciences department, are showing that hope stands apart as one of the strongest positive emotions that directly fosters a sense of meaning.

    “Our research shifts the perspective on hope from merely a cognitive process related to goal attainment to recognizing it as a vital emotional experience that enriches life’s meaning,” wrote Edwards, who is now a post doctorate scholar at Duke University.  She commented that this is a new insight, and it opens new avenues for enhancing psychological well-being.

    Research included six studies of more than twenty-three hundred participants from diverse backgrounds. The teams analyzed the range of emotions, including amusement, contentment, excitement, and happiness. The findings consistently demonstrated that only hope predicted a stronger sense of meaning.

    King stated that experiencing meaning in life is crucial for about every good thing you can imagine in a person’s life. It enhances self-care in relationships, adding, it is not a rare experience as it is available to people in their everyday lives. Hope is one of the things that makes life meaningful.

    “Perceiving meaning in life can provide a sense of coherence, recognition, and comprehension in whatever is happening,” writes Miller, while “purpose in life includes a personal role in the present and future.”

    “Given the plethora of positive characteristics with which it is associated, hope might be considered a master virtue,” writes Miller. “It is a positive orientation of mind and heart toward your own future or that of the world at large.”

    Miller highlights a research study that was conducted at an in-patient alcohol treatment center, where staff was given the hopeful message that certain patients in their care were more likely to improve. After treatment was over, those patients did, indeed, have fewer drinking episodes, longer periods of abstinence, and higher rates of employment than other patients.

    But, it turns out the staff had been duped.  Those patients had no better chance of improvement than any others. Just infusing hope changed the course of treatment.

    “Seeing a possible pathway forward is both a source and a product of hope,” wrote Miller.

    Other psychologists have discovered that if you generate hopefulness, you can think about a broader range of solutions, wrote Gina Simmons Schneider, Ph.D., author of Frazzlebrain, adding that hope is healthy.

    We live in an age of cynicism and hostility where there is a deep distrust of others, including our institutions and neighbors. This can lead to feeling frazzled while dampening attitudes of cooperation or collaboration. It also can shut down healthy hopefulness. It can be scary and challenging when then faced with self-critical thoughts. Yet hope can open the door.

    Schneider wrote that when hope is generated you can provide yourself with comfort and encouragement. Talk to yourself as if you were caring for a close friend using phrases such as “may I be peaceful; may I live with ease.” These phrases can help aim your mind in a soothing direction.

    I encourage you to lean toward hope as hope can be contagious. As Rodielon, staff writer for earth.com, wrote, hope is a lifeline.

    “Hope is being able to see that there is light despite all of the darkness.”—Desmond Tutu.

    Resources:

    Image retrieved on 12/4/2025 from <a href=”https://www.freepik.com/free-photo/top-view-hop-word-made-with-scrabble-letters-against-black-background_4341855.htm

    Putol, Rodielon. “Experts identify the simple emotion that gives life meaning – and it’s not happiness.” 6/23/2025. Earth.com. Retrieved on 12/4/2025 from https://www.earth.com/news/experts-identify-the-simple-emotion-that-gives-life-meaning-and-its-not-happiness/

    Ras, Bonnie Riva, deputy editor. “Why Hope is More Important Than Happiness.” 7/12/2025. Retrieved on 12/3/2025 from https://www.goodnet.org/articles/hope-more-important-than-happiness

    Schneider, Ph.D., Gina Simmons. “Easy Ways to Generate Hope. Hopefulness is Healthy and can be Learned.” Retrieved on 12/4/2024 from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/frazzlebrain/202411/easy-ways-to-generate-hope?

    Stann, Eric. University of Missouri. “Hope may be more important to your well-being than happiness.” 6/27/2025. Retrieved on 12/3/2025 from https://www.futurity.org/hope-well-being-3285112/

    Suttie, Psy.D, Jill. “Eight Ways You Can Feel More Hopeful-Even in Dark Times.” 8/21/2024. Retrieved 12/4/2025 from https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/eight_ways_you_can_feel_more_hopeful_even_in_dark_times

  • Do You Yearn to Reconnect?

    November 2, 2025

    Whether it is intention or inattention, when we neglect the people who matter to us, we can feel deep regret. If you are left with the feeling, “if only I had reached out…,” you are one of thousands of people worldwide who have relationship or connection regrets.

    According to author Daniel H. Pink, the fourth core regret is related to connection. Connection regrets share a common plotline: A relationship that was once intact no longer is. Connection regrets are the largest of the four categories in the deep structure of human regret.

    Relationship types can vary. They could be spouses, partners, parents, siblings, children, friends, or colleagues. The nature of the rupture also varies as well. Some may fray, get torn apart, or just unravel, wrote Pink.

    Can you think of a relationship that has come undone? Do you yearn to reconnect? It can be scary as reconnecting requires effort, emotional uncertainty, and rejection.

    I had a few friendships and connections with former co-workers that have faded. Once they or I moved beyond our sphere of connection, we saw less of each other. I wonder if I waited too long to reconnect. Does that person even have interest in reconnecting?

    My husband makes it a priority to stay connected to friends and family. He takes initiative to reach out, call them, send an email, or connect via Facebook.  In whatever way he can, he tries. It is his initiative to organize gatherings and reunions. In fact, I will be attending a 40th high school reunion of his with him next week. Admittedly, I am nervous. I have not seen some of these people in thirty years. The last reunion that I attended with him was his 10th high school reunion, and our son, Jay, was five months old.  That was thirty years ago.

    Our personalities are a bit different. My husband, Jim, is an outgoing extravert eager to chat with people and make a connection that could end up leading to a long-term connection, or important relationship in his life, even if he does not see them on a regular basis.

    I am more introverted.  Therefore, I tend to let others take the initiative to reach out. I keep in regular contact with family, current co-workers, and people that I have met through church and Toastmasters. However, if I left the sphere of connection or they have, the connection can fade. I was excited to have reconnect with fellow Toastmasters at a training event last week. That happens twice a year. I need to make a more concerted effort to stay in touch.

    According to the World Regret Survey, conducted by Pink’s team, more than eighteen thousand individual regrets from people in 109 countries reported a sense of loss that accompanies a closed door.

    In a 2012 study, Researchers Mike Morrison, Kai Epstude, and Neal Roese concluded that regrets about social relationships are felt more deeply than other types of regrets because they threaten our sense of belonging.

    I am fortunate the people that I want to reconnect with are still living. What about those people who lost people that they cannot reconnect, repair, or mend the relationship? This is known as a “closed door.” A “closed door regret” distresses us, because we cannot do anything about it anymore, wrote Pink.

    According to Pink, open door regrets bother us as well, because we can repair the relationship, but it requires effort. When the fault falls on us, we suffer even more.

    The way relationships end tended to fall into two categories: rifts and drifts. Rifts are more dramatic.  They may begin with an insult, a disclosure, or a betrayal that leave the parties involved resentful and antagonistic. Rifts can generate emotions like anger and jealousy. Although drifts are more common, they are harder to mend. The emotions involved with drifts are not as well-defined, and may include awkwardness.

    What gives our lives significance and satisfaction are meaningful relationships. However, when those relationships come apart, awkwardness is what usually stands in the way to coming back together.

    Can you think of a relationship of yours that was a rift or drift? Ruminating over regrets that we have, letting the feelings linger or go unprocessed can fester and create negative responses such as depression, anxiety, self-doubt, indecision, or avoidance of opportunities.

    A fear of botching and bungling efforts to reconnect with another person can hold us back from trying. As humans, we have a need for love, connection, and meaning.

    Do yourself a favor, push aside the awkwardness and try. Your efforts can be key in developing a stronger relationship this time around. I, too, will strive to reconnect as well.

    Resources:

    Image retrieved on 10/30/2025 from <a href=”https://www.freepik.com/free-photo/top-view-broken-heart-with-safety-pin_27506573.htm”>Image by freepik</a>

    Crawford-Welch, Simon. “Turning Regret into Wisdom: The 4 Types of Regret and How to Use Them for Good.”  1/10/2025. The Critical Thought Lab. Retrieved on 9/22/2025 from https://thecriticalthoughtlab.com/turning-regret-into-wisdom-the-4-types-of-regret-and-how-to-use-them-for-good/

    Davis, Paula. “The 4 Major Kinds of Regret” Psychology Today. 2/2022.Retrieved on 9/9/2025 from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/pressure-proof/202202/the-4-major-kinds-of-regret?msockid

    Graham, Jennifer. “Danile Pink has 19,000 regrets and counting. What can we learn from his research?” 2/26/2022. Retrieved on 9/22/2025 from https://www.deseret.com/faith/2022/2/26/22946552/daniel-pink-has-19000-regrets-and-counting-what-can-we-learn-from-his-research-ten-commandments/

    Gutfreund, Deborah. “The 4 Regrets to Transform Your Life.” 10/2024. Aish.com. Retrieved on 9/9/2025 from https://aish.com/the-4-regrets-to-transform-your-life/

    Jones, Emily Williams. “The 4 Types of Regret (A How They Affect Us.” Psychology for Mental Health. Retrieved on 8/30/2025 from https://psychologyfor.com/the-4-types-of-regret-and-how-they-affect-us/

    Mautz, Scott. “On the 4 Core Regrets, a Big Lesson Learned, and More.” “Lead on!” Issue #98: 3/29/2023. Retrieved on 8/24/2025 from https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/issue-98-4-core-regrets-big-lesson-learned-more-scott-mautz/

    Pink, Daniel H. The Power of Regret: How Looking Backward Moves Us Forward. Random House Large Print. ©2022

    Pink, Daniel H. “Around the World, People have the same 4 regrets.” Retrieved on 8/24/2025 from https://www.linkedin.com/posts/danielpink_around-the-world-people-have-the-same-4-regrets-activity-7237095775535538176-6Zf9/

    Pink, Daniel H. “We all have Relationships Regrets.” 3/3/2022. Retrieved on 10/27/2025 from We all have relationship regrets — and here’s how we can learn from them |

    Pink, Daniel H. “Will We Actually See it? Daniel Pink On the Power of Regret.”                                           Retrieved on 8/25/2025 from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m45eymlraJs

    Pink, Daniel H. “The 4 Types of Regret We Don’t Recognize.” 6/14/2024. Oprah Daily. Retrieved on 9/22/2025 from https://www.oprahdaily.com/life/health/a60862112/4-types-of-regret-daniel-h-pink/

    Wattier, Linda.” 4 Types of Regret and How to Leverage Them for a More Fulfilling Life.” Tiny Buddha. Retrieved on 8/30/2025 from https://tinybuddha.com/blog/4-types-of-regret-and-how-to-leverage-them-for-a-more-fulfilling-life/

    Wright, Josh. “What is the Power of Regret? A Conversation with Daniel Pink.” Behavioral Scientist. 12/13/2022. Retrieved on 8/24/2025 from https://behavioralscientist.org/what-is-the-power-of-regret-a-conversation-with-daniel-pink/

    Yoon, Ph.D., Yesel. “Moving from Regret to Action: What Can You Do Today?” 2/23/2025. Retrieved on 9/22/2025 from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/on-second-thought/202502/moving-from-regret-to-action-what-can-you-do-today?msockid=2daa491bbe5f6f130a475bc3ba5f61f9

  • What Do Your Regret Most?

    October 9, 2025

    Do you look back at your life and ask if there was something that you could have done differently? Do you carry that guilt with you?

    This week’s post focuses on moral regret, which is the third of the four core regrets that Daniel H. Pink defined in his book, Power of Regret. Moral regrets tend to ache the more and last the longest wrote Pink.

    Pink and his team surveyed 4500 Americans to collect their attitudes about regret. They also launched a survey to collect regrets from the world. Pink’s team collected more than sixteen thousand regrets from people in 105 countries.

    During his research, Pink noticed a trend as he and his team sorted through thousands of self-reported regrets. The moral transgressions that people regret, he says, read “like the production notes for a Ten Commandments training video.”

    Most of us want to be good people. Yet, we often face challenges or choices that tempt us to take the low road, wrote Pink.

    Interestingly, moral regrets accounted for just ten percent of the responses that Pink and his team received. Pink wrote that guilt is different from regret, but also a subset of moral regret, and is usually about something we have done, rather than what we failed to do.

    Five most common moral regrets:

    • Harm to others: actions that cause pain or suffering to others such as bullying or betrayal.
    • Cheating: Engaging in dishonest behavior, whether in personal relationships or competitive situations.
    • Disloyalty: Failing to support friends or family members when they need it most.
    • Subversion: Disrespecting authority figures or violating societal norms.
    • Desecration: Actions that violate deeply held beliefs or values, such as abortion or other moral transgressions.

    The Critical Thought Lab writer Simon Crawford-Welch wrote “moral regrets often feel like a heavy weight in your chest—a sense of shame or guilt that does not easily fade.”

     If you find yourself thinking, I wish I had done the right thing, you are confronting a moral regret.

    Yesel Yoon, a clinical psychologist wrote in Psychology Today, said that striving to avoid regrets entirely might cause us to miss important opportunities to gain experience and grow. However, it is not good to ruminate on regrets that we may have either.

    “Be cautious about letting regrets linger,” wrote Yoon. Additionally, when we allow them to go unprocessed, they can have negative consequences, such as depression, anxiety, self-doubt, indecision, and avoidance of opportunities.

    Use regret as a guide wrote Yoon.

    Crawford-Welch also noted that moral regrets can highlight your desire to be a good person. You can use moral regrets as a guidepost to clarify your values and strengthen your commitment to living with integrity.

    Yoon wrote it is important to learn from the past, not be stuck in the past.

    • Reflect on the past. What do you wish you had done differently?
    • Why do you regret taking the action that you did?
    • What could you differently today?
    • Imagine you have taken new steps, how would you feel?

    Additionally, Crawford-Welch suggested that you ask yourself, “what is this regret teaching me? Instead of saying to yourself, ‘I failed,’ shift to ‘I grew from this experience.’ ”

    Most importantly, practice self-compassion.

    Resources:

    Image retrieved on 10/9/2025 from <a href=”https://www.freepik.com/free-vector/hand-drawn-flat-design-shrug-illustration_24195966.htm”>Image by freepik</a>

    Crawford-Welch, Simon. “Turning Regret into Wisdom: The 4 Types of Regret and How to Use Them for Good.”  1/10/2025. The Critical Thought Lab.Retrieved on 9/22/2025 from https://thecriticalthoughtlab.com/turning-regret-into-wisdom-the-4-types-of-regret-and-how-to-use-them-for-good/

    Davis, Paula. “The 4 Major Kinds of Regret” Psychology Today. 2/2022.Retrieved on 9/9/2025 from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/pressure-proof/202202/the-4-major-kinds-of-regret?msockid

    Graham, Jennifer. “Danile Pink has 19,000 regrets and counting. What can we learn from his research?” 2/26/2022. Retrieved on 9/22/2025 from https://www.deseret.com/faith/2022/2/26/22946552/daniel-pink-has-19000-regrets-and-counting-what-can-we-learn-from-his-research-ten-commandments/

    Gutfreund, Deborah. “The 4 Regrets to Transform Your Life.” 10/2024. Aish.com. Retrieved on 9/9/2025 from https://aish.com/the-4-regrets-to-transform-your-life/

    Jones, Emily Williams. “The 4 Types of Regret (A How They Affect Us.” Psychology for Mental Health. Retrieved on 8/30/2025 from https://psychologyfor.com/the-4-types-of-regret-and-how-they-affect-us/

    Mautz, Scott. “On the 4 Core Regrets, a Big Lesson Learned, and More.” “Lead on!” Issue #98: 3/29/2023. Retrieved on 8/24/2025 from https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/issue-98-4-core-regrets-big-lesson-learned-more-scott-mautz/

    Pink, Daniel H. The Power of Regret: How Looking Backward Moves Us Forward. Random House Large Print. ©2022

    Pink, Daniel H. “Around the World, People have the same 4 regrets.” Retrieved on 8/24/2025 from https://www.linkedin.com/posts/danielpink_around-the-world-people-have-the-same-4-regrets-activity-7237095775535538176-6Zf9/

    Pink, Daniel H. “Will We Actually See it? Daniel Pink On the Power of Regret.”                                           Retrieved on 8/25/2025 from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m45eymlraJs

    Pink, Daniel H. “The 4 Types of Regret We Don’t Recognize.” 6/14/2024. Oprah Daily. Retrieved on 9/22/2025 from https://www.oprahdaily.com/life/health/a60862112/4-types-of-regret-daniel-h-pink/

    Wattier, Linda.” 4 Types of Regret and How to Leverage Them for a More Fulfilling Life.” Tiny Buddha. Retrieved on 8/30/2025 from https://tinybuddha.com/blog/4-types-of-regret-and-how-to-leverage-them-for-a-more-fulfilling-life/

    Wright, Josh. “What is the Power of Regret? A Conversation with Daniel Pink.” Behavioral Scientist. 12/13/2022. Retrieved on 8/24/2025 from https://behavioralscientist.org/what-is-the-power-of-regret-a-conversation-with-daniel-pink/

    Yoon, Ph.D., Yesel. “Moving from Regret to Action: What Can You Do Today?” 2/23/2025. Retrieved on 9/22/2025 from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/on-second-thought/202502/moving-from-regret-to-action-what-can-you-do-today?msockid=2daa491bbe5f6f130a475bc3ba5f61f9

  • Dare to Be Bold, Don’t Hold Back

    9/22/2025

    How often do you look back in your life and ask “if only” I had taken a chance? I have. I lacked confidence as a young person; I doubted my writing and speaking abilities. I feared rejection. Instead of testing myself, I held back. I played it safely. After I married and had my kids, I sought jobs with flexibility for my family life. The jobs paid the bills but did not always challenge me.

    The “If only” regrets can be difficult to have. Regret is a negative emotion, and it can make us feel worse. The emotions can feel raw. Over the last couple of posts, I have written about regret and the core regrets as defined by social scientist Daniel Pink, author of Power of Regret.

    The focus of this post is the Boldness Regret. Pink defines this regret as we play it too safe and are left wondering what could have been. Examples include “If only I’d asked that girl out.”, “If only I’d taken that trip before I had children.”, “If only I’d started that business.”. Boldness regrets arise from the failure to take full advantage of opportunities as a springboard into a potentially more fulfilled life.

    As part of a large study, Pink and colleagues set up a website called “The World Regret Survey.”  As part of the survey, they asked, “How often do you look back in your life and wish you had done something differently?” And they found 83 percent of the population saying they do that, at least occasionally. It verifies how common this emotion is, especially when we do not label it with that toxic word of “regret.”

    According to this study by Pink, there is a profound demographic difference of age related to types of regret. When people are young—say, in their 20s—they have equal numbers of regrets for action (what they did) and regrets for inaction (what they did not do). But as people age into their thirties and certainly 40s, 50s, 60s, 70s, the inaction regrets take over. Inaction regrets are, in general, about twice as prevalent as action regrets. As we get older, what really sticks with us are the regrets about what we did not do.

    Deborah Gutfreund is an OCD and trauma therapist. Gutfreund wrote that we can learn from the bold regrets by taking a chance in the future, grab that opportunity to travel, take a class, or ask someone for coffee. Adding, the research reveals that we are more likely to regret what we did not do than what we try, even if it was not a success.

    Work-Life performance expert Donna Davis wrote that both regret and disappointment arise when an outcome is not what you wanted, counted on, or thought would happen; but, with disappointment, you often believe the outcome was outside of your control. With so with regret—you believe the outcome was caused by your own decisions or actions. In other words, it is your fault.

    The “no regrets” ethos is a strong one, however, Pink points out that this is a dangerous outlook. Adding regret is a marker of a healthy and maturing mind.

    Rabbi Effram Goldberg stated no regrets does not mean living with courage, it means living without reflection.

    After personal reflection, we can use regret in a positive way to transform our lives.

    “You decide every day who you will and will not be. Be bold in your decision but remember, choose wisely.” Joel Brown

    Resources:

    Image retrieved on 9/17/2025 from https://www.freepik.com/free-photo/i-cant-message-card-being-cut-with-scissor_10424096.htm

    Davis, Paula. “The 4 Major Kinds of Regret” Psychology Today. 2/2022.Retrieved on 9/9/2025 from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/pressure-proof/202202/the-4-major-kinds-of-regret?msockid

    Gutfreund, Deborah. “The 4 Regrets to Transform Your Life.” 10/2024. Aish.com. Retrieved on 9/9/2025 from https://aish.com/the-4-regrets-to-transform-your-life/

    Jones, Emily Williams. “The 4 Types of Regret (A How They Affect Us.” Psychology for Mental Health. Retrieved on 8/30/2025 from https://psychologyfor.com/the-4-types-of-regret-and-how-they-affect-us/

    Mautz, Scott. “On the 4 Core Regrets, a Big Lesson Learned, and More.” “Lead on!” Issue #98: 3/29/2023. Retrieved on 8/24/2025 from https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/issue-98-4-core-regrets-big-lesson-learned-more-scott-mautz/

    Pink, Daniel H. The Power of Regret: How Looking Backward Moves Us Forward. Random House Large Print. ©2022

    Pink, Daniel H. “Around the World, People have the same 4 regrets.” Retrieved on 8/24/2025 from https://www.linkedin.com/posts/danielpink_around-the-world-people-have-the-same-4-regrets-activity-7237095775535538176-6Zf9/

    Pink, Daniel H. “Will We Actually See it? Daniel Pink On the Power of Regret.”                                           Retrieved on 8/25/2025 from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m45eymlraJs

    Tuhin, Muhammad. “The Neuroscience of Regret: Why it Haunts Us.” 6/23/2025. Retrieved on 8/25/2025 from https://www.sciencenewstoday.org/the-neuroscience-of-regret-why-it-haunts-us

    Wattier, Linda.” 4 Types of Regret and How to Leverage Them for a More Fulfilling Life.” Tiny Buddha. Retrieved on 8/30/2025 from https://tinybuddha.com/blog/4-types-of-regret-and-how-to-leverage-them-for-a-more-fulfilling-life/

    Wright, Josh. “What is the Power of Regret? A Conversation with Daniel Pink.” Behavioral Scientist. 12/13/2022. Retrieved on 8/24/2025 from https://behavioralscientist.org/what-is-the-power-of-regret-a-conversation-with-daniel-pink/

  • Regret Can Steer Us in a New Direction

    9/3/2025

    “No regrets.” This is a philosophy that many people claim for life. Some even have it tattooed onto their bodies.

     Yet, author Daniel H.  Pink says that regret is a fundamental part of being human. Regret hurts but also instructs. We cannot have one without the other.

    Muhammad Tuhin wrote that it is crucial to understand that regret isn’t just sadness in disguise. It’s a distinct emotion, with its own signature, triggers, and consequences. Added, Regret is tied to agency—the sense that we had control, and we failed. It is tinged with “what ifs” and “if onlys.” It isn’t just about loss; it’s about the belief that loss could have been avoided.

    In Pink’s book The Power of Regret, Pink shares the results of two extensive research projects he conducted. He worked with a small team of survey research experts that designed and carried out the largest quantitative analysis of American attitudes about regret ever conducted called The American Regret Project. Pink also launched a website, the World Regret Survey (worldregretsurvey.com), that has now collected more than 26,000 regrets from people in 134 countries.

    In addition, Pink highlighted the research from psychology, neuroscience, economics, and biology to challenge the widely held assumptions about human emotions and behaviors.

    There are four core regrets written in Pink’s book, Power of Regret:

    1. Foundation regrets: Many of our education, finance, and health regrets are expressions of the same core regret: our failure to be responsible, conscientious, or prudent. Our lives require some basic level of stability. Yet sometimes our individual choices undermine this long-term need.
    2. Boldness regrets: One of the most robust findings in the academic research, and my own, is that over time, we are much more likely to regret the chances we didn’t take than the chances we did. What haunts us is the inaction itself.
    1. Moral regrets: Most of us want to be good people. Yet we often face choices that tempt us to take the low road. When we behave poorly, or compromise our belief in our own goodness, regret can build and then persist.
    2. Connection regrets: Our actions give our lives direction. But other people give those lives purpose. A massive number of human regrets stem from our failure to recognize and honor this principle.

    Pink shared that positive emotions are incredibly important and that they should outnumber our negative emotions but we need some negative emotions because they instruct us. A prominent negative emotion is regret.

    Person Coach Linda Wattier wrote that regret is a unique emotion because it stems from our agency. It’s not something imposed upon us; rather, it arises from choices we made or opportunities we missed.

    In explaining the neuroscience of regret, Tuhin wrote that our brains our master storytellers. It doesn’t just record reality, it edits, reshapes, and replays it. Nowhere is this more evident than in the neural architecture of regret.

    At the center of this process is the orbitofrontal cortex, or OFC, for short. It is the region just above the eyes that is deeply involved in decision-making and evaluation. It helps our brains weigh choices, predict outcomes, and compare actual results with imagined ones. If you experience regret, the OFC does not just analyze what happened, it actively constructs what could have happened. It imagines an alternate path and then evaluates the emotional consequence of not taking it.

    Tuhin wrote that functional MRI studies have shown that the OFC becomes highly active when people are asked to reflect on poor choices or missed opportunities. When the loss is someone else’s the OFC does not light up as much. However, when the fault lies with you, the lights of the OFC shine brightly.

    Regrets are tough. I have a few regrets: If only I had more confidence or learned how to become more confident. I do not think that I would have passed on opportunities or been timid in job interviews. I wish I had joined Toastmasters sooner right after college. As I noted in past posts, I regret being such a bully to myself, knocking myself down.

    Tuhin added that regret is not purely logical. It can carry a very big emotional load: guilt, disappointment, shame, longing. These emotions are orchestrated by a small, almond shaped structure deep in our brain, called the amygdala. The amygdala is regret’s emotional partner.

    You probably didn’t imagine so much was doing on inside of our brains, most likely we are emotionally focused on the result, whether it was we wanted, planned, or not.  The negative emotional toll can be quite hefty.

    In his article, Tuhin shared an example, “Let’s say you remember breaking up with someone who truly loved you. Your OFC might reconstruct a version of life where you stayed together and found happiness. Your amygdala will attach emotional significance to that alternate memory, making it feel real, even though it never actually happened… the collaboration between the OFC and the amygdala creates the vivid, haunting quality of regret. So, our brains may not just think about an alternative or better outcome-it feels it, deeply wrote Tuhin.

    In a culture that promotes relentless positivity and a “no regrets” philosophy, Wattier has learned that negative emotions have their place in a fulfilling life.

    Throughout the month of September, I am going to write about each of the four core regrets. I will dive a little deeper into the core regrets and share examples.

    “Regret can show you what is good in life.” – Daniel H. Pink

    Resources:

    Image retrieved 8/26/2025 from https://www.freepik.com/free-vector/lonely-girl-suffering-from-depression_7732643.htm#fromView=image_search_similar&page=1&position=0&uuid=1234e4d3-b9cc-490f-9290-d3cab4032b53&query=regret

    Jones, Emily Williams. “The 4 Types of Regret (An How They Affect Us.” Psychology for Mental Health.  Retrieved on 8/30/2025 from https://psychologyfor.com/the-4-types-of-regret-and-how-they-affect-us/

    Mautz, Scott. “On the 4 Core Regrets, a Big Lesson Learned, and More.” “Lead on!” Issue #98: 3/29/2023. Retrieved on 8/24/2025 from https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/issue-98-4-core-regrets-big-lesson-learned-more-scott-mautz/

    Pink, Daniel H. The Power of Regret: How Looking Backward Moves Us Forward. Random House Large Print. ©2022

    Pink, Daniel H. “Around the World, People have the same 4 regrets.” Retrieved on 8/24/2025 from https://www.linkedin.com/posts/danielpink_around-the-world-people-have-the-same-4-regrets-activity-7237095775535538176-6Zf9/

    Pink, Daniel H. “Will We Actually See it? Daniel Pink On the Power of Regret.”                                           Retrieved on 8/25/2025 from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m45eymlraJs

    Tuhin, Muhammad. “The Neuroscience of Regret: Why it Haunts Us.” 6/23/2025. Retrieved on 8/25/2025 from https://www.sciencenewstoday.org/the-neuroscience-of-regret-why-it-haunts-us

    Wattier, Linda.” 4 Types of Regret and How to Leverage Them for a More Fulfilling Life.” Tiny Buddha. Retrieved on 8/30/2025 from https://tinybuddha.com/blog/4-types-of-regret-and-how-to-leverage-them-for-a-more-fulfilling-life/

    Wright, Josh. “What is the Power of Regret? A Conversation with Daniel Pink.” Behavioral Scientist. 12/13/2022. Retrieved on 8/24/2025 from https://behavioralscientist.org/what-is-the-power-of-regret-a-conversation-with-daniel-pink/

  • Quitting: The good that can come out of it

    8/9/2025

    Have you ever considered quitting?

    Over the years, I have quit jobs, hobbies, unsuccessful business ventures, and dead-end relationships. It was scary but free at the same moment. Idea of quitting has such a bad connotation, that the idea of doing it can be heart wrenching.

    Our society often touts perseverance and grit over quitting. There have been many meta studies touting perseverance and particularly grit. Yet, there is a large body of work showing that perseverance may have a harmful downside according to Harvard Business Review. Adding, one study found that not giving up can mean people persist even when they have nothing to gain.

     So, while it might be valuable to persist with worthwhile and rewarding tasks, people who do continue with worthless tasks that are both uninteresting and unrewarding, are wasting their time and talents according to Harvard Business Review (HBR).

    Some people may see quitting as an ending, but it is also a new beginning. Acknowledge the feeling of wanting to quit is normal.

    Author Jon Acuff wrote in his book, “Quitter,” that after a while he got good at quitting jobs: jobs that were 40 hour a week with a 401K and benefits. Acuff wrote about quitting his job to create a dream career. There are many examples that are shared in his book.

    Did you know that the average median number of years is 3.9 years that wage, and salary workers had been with their current employer as of January 2024? This down from 4.1 years in January 2022 and that is the lowest since 2002 according to U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics.

    Quitting is not just about quitting a job. Quitting can be a new beginning, a restart, a do-over.

    McKenna Princing wrote that there are a few things to consider when deciding to quit:

    • Quitting can be an effective way to get out of a tough situation or seek a new, exciting one. 
    • Feeling burnt out or not respected could be signs it is time to quit. 
    • Figure out if changing your current situation would help or if seeking a new situation is best. 
    • Resist the urge to quit or leave in anger.

    According to Princing, the truth is that sometimes quitting is the healthiest option in a not-great situation — or because something even better has arrived on your doorstep.

    Annie Duke is the author of Quit: The Power of Knowing When to Walk Away. Quitting is often misunderstood as failure. However, quitting can be strategic and a necessary decision means cutting your losses. It is important to distinguish that learning to effectively quit can free us from bad investments, unhealthy relationships, open us to new opportunities, and improve our decision-making.

    Quitting can be a good thing:

    • Minimize losses: Cut your losses, redirect your time, energy, and resources.
    • Opportunity cost: Continuing with something that is not good, can prevent you from pursuing better options.
    • Cognitive and emotional freedom: Quitting can remove the emotional and mental burden of sticking with something that is not working.

    According to Duke, quitting is not just about the big, macro changes; it can be about small things that you have been holding onto and need to let go.

    It could be quitting treating yourself badly, i.e., “oh, I am not good at this,” “why do I bother?” or “Doesn’t matter, it turns out the same no matter what.” Quitting could be about stopping being negative, quit thinking you are not worth the time. Sometimes we must quit something to make room for a good change in our lives. Knowing when to quit or give up can be liberating. Yet, it can be quite scary.

    Author Julia Keller notes in her book, Quitting: A Life Strategy that grit is not always great. Sticking it out does not always pay off and quitting can be an unexpected act of self-love.

    Have you ever thought about quitting something? Did you do it? How did it feel?

    “The idea that winners never quit is both overly simplistic and false. Most successful people have ‘quit’ several times.” – Paul Jarvis, Company of One

    Resources:

    Image. Retrieved on 8/9/2025 from https://www.freepik.com/free-vector/hand-drawn-flat-design-overwhelmed-people-illustration_24683085.htm

    Acuff, Jon. Quitter: Closing the Gap Between Your Day Job & Your Dream Job. Ramsey Press ©2015

    Bureau of Labor Statistics. U.S. Department of Labor. “Employee Tenure in 2024.” Retrieved on 8/5/2025 from https://www.bls.gov/news.release/pdf/tenure.pdf#:~:text=The%20median%20number%20of%20years%20that%20wage%20and,the%20U.S.%20Bureau%20of%20Labor%20Statistics%20reported%20today.

    Duke, Annie. Quit: The Power of Knowing When to Walk Away. Penguin Publishing Group. ©2022

    “The Feeling of wanting to quit is normal, it might mean something, it might not.” Retrieved on 8/2/2025 from https://anotherdoor.squarespace.com/another-door-blog/2025/3/24/the-feeling-of-wanting-to-quit-is-normal-it-might-mean-something-it-might-not

    Keller, Julia. Quitting: A Life Strategy: The Myth of Perseverance―and How the New Science of Giving Up Can Set You Free. © April 2023. Book review Retrieved on 8/2/2025 from https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/61918826-quitting

    Princing, McKenna. “Quitting Is not Always Bad. Here is the Best Way to Do It.” 12/18/2023. Retrieved on 8/2/2025 from https://rightasrain.uwmedicine.org/life/work/how-to-quit-gracefully

    Spicer, Andre. “When to Stick with Something-and When to quit.” 10/1/2018. Harvard Business Review. Retrieved on 8/2/2025 from https://hbr.org/2018/09/when-to-stick-with-something-and-when-to-quit

  • Unbecoming Everything That You Are Not (Finding Your Purpose, Part 3)

    August 3, 2025

    Have you taken on tasks, style, characteristics, perspectives, or personal narratives, to fit in with others’ ideas about you and society, but it really isn’t you?

    In the last two blog posts, I shared information about ways and options to find your purpose in life. But what if what we have become is not truly us? What if we have become were to fit in with a group of people? Who we are now is blocking us from finding our true purpose?

    “Maybe the journey isn’t about becoming anything,” wrote Paulo Coelho, Brazilian novelist and lyricist. “Maybe it’s about unbecoming everything that isn’t really you, so you can be who you were meant to be in the first place.”

    I have struggled at times to become someone else, in order to fit in. I felt like an outsider at times in school. I felt a little bit like that in college until I joined a sorority where I could be me and warmly accepted. I then felt I belonged. I even have felt that way as an adult, wanting to make friends. I realized, I was showing less of who I really was to fit in. It was uncomfortable and at times agonizing.

    A big part of finding our purpose is to understand who we really are and align it with our values. I realized along this bumpy road, that being authentic was more important than my desire to fit in. Even at the age of 58, I am still unbecoming everything that I am not.

    Today, I came across a YouTube video short by young person named Shawn Khoe. He shared that too many teenagers and college students feel pressure to be someone that they are not. They may start dressing a certain way or acting in a different way to fit in.  He was concerned that these individuals did not have self esteem, worth, or love for themselves.

    “You shouldn’t force yourself to become someone you’re not just to fit in with others,” stated Shawn Khoe.

    I do not think the idea of fitting in or pressure to fit in subsides as an adult.  It is just a bigger and different playing field. Think of your idea of success compared to society’s or a peer group’s view of success: where you need to be on the career ladder, perhaps the material items you own, etc. After that, you maybe chasing something that does not make you fulfilled. Perhaps that is why you are seeking your purpose in life.

    “Life is not about you, life is about the life you touch,” wrote Neale Donald Walsch.

    I have learned a few things about cutting things out. As a photographer, I have spent time cropping out things in a photo to focus on the subject. I have also learned a few things in gardening.  Pruning is key to keep the plant or flower alive, well, and blooming. I have been focusing on subtracting things in my life. As a speaker, I use pauses to create anticipation.  As a writer, words that are not in the final piece are just as important as the words that remain. It is called editing.

    Author Jim Collins once said, “A great piece of art is composed not just of what is in the final piece, but equally important, what is not. It is the discipline to discard what does not fit — to cut out what might have already cost days or even years of effort — that distinguishes the truly exceptional artist and marks the ideal piece of work, be it a symphony, a novel, a painting, a company or, most important of all, a life.”

    From the teaching of Lao Tzu, “to attain knowledge, add things every day. To attain wisdom, subtract things everyday.“  It is not doing things is just as important as doing things.  I think this applies to our personal selves. Shed is what is not important on your journey i.e. habits, narratives, perspectives of who you are. Be more proactive in choosing what you take with you and what you do not take with you.

    Matthew E. May, author of The Laws of Subtraction: 6 Simple Rules for Winning in the Age of Excess Everything, suggests that you create a “not to do list” to accompany your “to do list.” Give careful thought to prioritizing your goals, projects, and tasks, then eliminate the bottom twenty percent of your list-forever. Secondly, ask family, friends, and associates who matter to you most-what would they like you to stop doing. You maybe surprised just how long that list is.

    In the pursuit of less is powerful, when you remove just the right things in just the right way, something good happens, wrote May.

    I think as I grow older, I have learned the importance of decluttering, editing, cropping, and curating what I have, what I want to be, and to become a more authentic me. This will indeed help me as I seek my purpose and strive to fulfill it.

    Resources:

    Image retrieved on 8/1/2025 from https://www.freepik.com/free-vector/hand-drawn-world-mental-health-day-with-woman_9666661.htm

    Ako, Cindy. “The Art of Unbecoming Anything That You Are Not You.” Video. 3/5/2021. Retrieved on 8/1/2025 from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rakh8iK5kUw

    Khoe, Shawn. “You Shouldn’t Force Yourself to Become Someone You’re Not Just to Fit In with Others.” Video. 3/2/2025. Retrieved on 8/1/2025 from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fl6IVZhvqVs

    May, Mathew E. “The Art of Adding by Taking Away.” New York Times. 1/19/2013. Retrieved on 8/1/2025 from https://www.nytimes.com/2013/01/20/jobs/matthew-may-on-the-art-of-adding-by-taking-away.html

  • It’s Time to Explore Your Purpose

    August 1, 2025

    I realized after writing my blog on Finding Your Purpose, that topic was too broad for one post. I continued my research; I came across other information that could help you find your purpose.

    The New York Times did a study that showed only twenty-five percent of people know their life’s purpose. People are wandering through life unsure why they are here on this earth.

    What is the purpose? A blog on calm.com described purpose as an invisible compass that guides us through life, leading us to fulfillment and meaning. A strong sense of purpose can motivate us to reach our potential. It is an individual journey. Purpose is not a fixed entity, but evolves and changes as we grow, learn, and experience life.

    I was watching a video by Jay Shetty the other day about finding your purpose. Many of us feel pressure to find our purpose in our twenties, but many successful people find their stride later.

    There is not one clear way to find purpose, stated Jay Shetty, however, there are four parts:

    1. Pain –  Many found their true purpose through pain. These people experienced such pain in early life, that they so want to help others to get through it. Perhaps you wish no one else must go through that.
    2. Potential  –  Skills, mindsets, abilities that we have but not yet aware of it. Process of sampling. Try a new skill each week. All the game of odds. Allow yourself to fail, make mistakes.
    3. Problem on the planet  –   A Challenge that pulls you to solve. Outside problem or pain.
    4. Platform  –  In order to have an impact, any experience can be used as a platform to serve others.

    “Your unique niche is in discovering the purpose of your life, developing yourself for that purpose and then deploying yourself in that purpose,” noted Myron Golden.

    According to Calm.com’s blog, our quest for purpose is deeply embedded in our psychological and emotional fabric. A life lived with purpose is one that’s enriched with happiness, motivation, and mental wellbeing. It helps us find meaning in everyday life, bringing fulfillment and contentment.

    Where does one start? In a TEDx talk in 2023, Tyler Cerny shares three powerful questions to ask yourself.

    1. Whom am I called to serve? This question helps you switch from you to who. Think about who you can help and serve. When called to serve, think about someone that you can relate to and possible share a similar experience.
    2. What problem am I called to solve? Start with someone that you like to work with. What problems do they have? What problems did you have in your life that you solved?
    3. How am I called to solve this problem?

    Cerny noted in his TEDx talk to start with the “who” and the validate with why. Write a purpose statement. Then ask yourself why are you doing this? Do you enjoy doing it? Do you have peace when you are doing it?

    Finding your purpose is challenging as it is not just about who you are but what you want to become. Finding our purpose is different for each person.

    According to the Paramporul Foundation, one of the first steps in finding your purpose is finding on what you value deeply. Identify your core beliefs and passions, these will serve as the foundation for a meaningful life. Identify your unique talents and strengths. What naturally comes to you. Consider and connect to causes that resonate with you. Find ways to engage in these causes.

    Embrace new experiences. It can be scary to do so, but it will be good for you. Practice gratitude. Set time aside each day to reflect on the positive moments or experiences. Not only is gratitude good for the soul, it will help you identify what is truly important to you. In my next blog post, I will share the importance of shedding parts of self that no longer help us but might even hold us back. I found this to be key for me as I find my purpose.

    “Remember, our passion is for you. Your Purpose is for others. When you use your passion in service of others it becomes your purpose,” stated Jay Shetty

    Resources:

    Image. Retrieved on 7/30/2025 from https://www.freepik.com/free-photo/hiker-looking-compass_4150014.htm

    Calm.com “How to Find Purpose and Discover Your Path in Life.” Blog.calm.com Retrieved on 7/28/2025 from https://blog.calm.com/blog/how-to-find-purpose

    Cerny, Tyler. “Finding Your Life’s Purpose Instantly with 3 Powerful Questions.” TEDxJCU

    Video. 5/23/2023. Retrieved on 7/25/2025 from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vzo2wMWa9GQ&t=5s

    Paramporul Foundation. “10 Ways to Find Your Purpose in Life.” 10/29/2024 Retrieved on 7/30/2025 from https://www.paramporulfoundation.com/how-to-find-your-purpose-in-life/.

    Shetty, Jay. (video) “Finding Your Life’s Purpose by Doing this one Thing.” Retrieved on 7/24/2025 from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aNAZZVVLzAA&t=2s

    Retrieved on 7/24/2025 from https://www.youtube.com/shorts/b_VePQpQEbU

  • Finding a Purpose in Your Life

    Monday, July 21, 2025

    Do you struggle to find or discover your purpose in life? I have as well. Does anyone have just one purpose in life? Or does it change and evolve over time? I know many people who do have purpose: One has passion for creating personal care boxes for those with substance abuse and addiction while moving into homes. I know another who has worked tirelessly to find options for the homeless. I have met people through volunteer work tutoring adults with literacy challenges. I admire these individuals, yet I hate to admit it, I envy them as well.

    At present, I am struggling. When I was younger, I focused on creating art and writing outside of my paid job. Later as a young parent, I saw my purpose to be a nurturing parent of my two sons. As they grew older and required less immediate attention, I sought purpose as an outreach volunteer and coordinator at church.

    Jeremy Adam Smith, editor of Greater Good magazine, wrote that for decades, psychologists have studied how long-term, meaningful goals develop over the span of our lives.

    “The goals that foster a sense of purpose are ones that can potentially change the lives of other people,” said Smith, “like launching an organization, researching disease, or teaching kids to read.”

    A sense of purpose has evolved in humans, so that we can accomplish important things together.  Those things are associated with better physical and mental health, wrote Smith. Purpose is adaptive as it is evolutionary. It helps both individuals and the species to survive.

    In 2016, I founded an arts ministry at my church that lasted six years. Artful Spirit Connection arts ministry was my purpose. I poured my energy and focused on it wholeheartedly. Once that arts ministry ended a few years ago, I floundered, and I lost my anchor. I have felt that my soul and spirit break apart in little pieces. I know logically that not all things last a lifetime. Yet it was hard to say goodbye.

    As Smith points out, finding purpose or discovering our purpose from our unique gifts is only part of the truth. Our purpose also grows from our connection to others, which is why a crisis of purpose is often a symptom of isolation.

    I find this part intriguing. After Artful Spirit Connection ended, I pulled away from my church family. In my mind, I thought it was best as I was burnt out. I was also grieving, as my biggest cheerleader and supporter, our priest, became ill with cancer. Eventually, he sadly passed away. In my grief, I pulled away. Instead of feeling relief, I felt alone. My anxiety increased, as well as my depression. I isolated myself from doing so, it exacerbated my feelings of being lost. In the last year, I have done some soul searching, though purpose would be fulfilled in trying to create a business of selling my art. It did not, it failed. As much as I wanted a key focus, I was not driven emotionally. I am still seeking it. It is one of the reasons that I started this blog.

    Discovering your life purpose, according to Jeremy Sutton, Ph.D., involves exploring passions, values, and strengths to create a fulfilling and meaningful existence.

    Over time, psychologists have increasingly begun to realize the importance of meaning to our wellbeing and happiness, wrote Sutton, adding, recent research suggests that people with increased meaning are better off. They are happier and exhibit increased life satisfaction, and lowered depression.

    “Meaning in life may be defined as the extent to which a person experiences his or her life as having purpose, significance, and coherence,” wrote Sutton.

    Smith suggested that there are a few ways to help with the feeling of crisis for the purpose of life:

    • Read-find books that matter to you and inspire you.
    • Turning hurts into healing for others. Finding purpose is not just an intellectual pursuit. It is something we need to feel. Sometimes another person’s pain can lead us to our purpose.
    • Cultivate awe, gratitude, and altruism. An experience of awe helps feel connected to something larger than us. Awe alone is not enough, you need to feel driven to make a positive impact; this is where gratitude and generosity come into play, wrote Smith.
    • Listen to what other people appreciate about you. Giving thanks can help you find purpose in what people thank you for. Appreciation for what you do for others can fuel a sense of purpose.
    • Find and build community. We can find a sense of purpose in people around us. Interestingly, the nobility of our purpose reflects the company we keep, noted Smith.
    • Tell your story. As I noted earlier, reading can help you find your purpose but also writing.

    Psychologist Kendall Bronk, leading expert on purpose, wrote that research by William Damon, Robert Emmons, and others have found that children and adults who are able to count their blessings are much more likely to try to contribute to the world beyond themselves.

    According to Smith, Purpose often arises from curiosity about your own life. Creating a narrative can help us see our own strengths and apply those strengths to be effective in the world, which over time increases our sense of self-efficacy.

    Adopting a growth mindset can help lead to increased purpose in life. Look at your strengths, explore your weaknesses, accept mistakes are part of learning, and find ways to motivate yourself noted Sutton.

    Dr. Jordan Grumet wrote that, “By identifying our purpose anchors (activities that energize and inspire us), we gain insight into what purpose can look like in our lives. Sometimes this means reflecting on regrets, recalling childhood joys, or simply experimenting through trial and error—”

    Bronk noted that through working with adolescents, some teens found purpose through hardship. However, most people find purpose in a more meandering way through a combination of education, experience, and self-reflection.

    Bronk said finding purpose can get jump started.

    • Identify the things that you care about. What are you good at? What have you done that gave you a skill that can be used? What do you care about in your community?
    • Reflect on what matters most. Sometimes it is hard to single out one or two things. Value will be increased if you can narrow down your purpose in life to something manageable.
    • Recognize your strengths and talents. What is unique about your skills or strengths? What are you particularly good at? What do you enjoy?
    • Try volunteering. Try new things, see what activities enable you to use your skills.
    • Imagine your best self. What are you doing? What is important to you? What do you really care about and why? The “why” part is key.
    • Cultivate the positive like gratitude and awe.
    • Look at the people that you admire.

    Grumet notes that purpose is not passive. It demands courage to take what you care about and turn it into something active, something meaningful. He suggested that we follow activities that light us up. Connect with people with shared interests. In time, you may be able to connect, collaborate, and grow together. That is how purpose builds community.

    I will dive a little deeper into Finding Your Purpose in my next blog as well.

    “There is no greater gift you can give or receive than to honor your calling. It is why you were born. And how you become most truly alive.”–Oprah Winfrey

    Resources:

    Image retrieved on 7/20/2025 from <a href=”https://www.freepik.com/free-vector/business-flat-design-style-illustration_16359264.htm”>Image by rawpixel.com on Freepik</a>

    Grumet, Jordan, MD. “Purpose Isn’t a Destination, It’s A Climb.” Psychology Today. 6/30/2025. Retrieved on 7/17/2025 from https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/the-regret-free-life/202506/purpose-isnt-a-destination-its-a-climb/amp

    Smith, Jeremy Adam. “How to Find Purpose in Life.” Greater Good. 1/10/2018. Retrieved on 7/17/2025 from https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/how_to_find_your_purpose_in_life

    Suttie, Jill. “Seven Ways to Find Your Purpose in Life. Having a meaningful, long-term goal is good for your well-being.” Greater good. 8/6/2020. Retrieved on 7/17/2025 from https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/seven_ways_to_find_your_purpose_in_life

    Sutton, Ph.D. Jeremy. “15 Ways to Find Your Purpose of Life & Realize Your Meaning.” Positive Psychology. 10/15/2020. Retrieved on 7/17/2025 from https://positivepsychology.com/find-your-purpose-of-life/

  • Perfectionism is a trap, Do not get caught

    June 21, 2025

    Perfectionism is a personality trait characterized by a relentless pursuit of flawlessness and high standards. It can manifest as self-motivation and drive to achieve success, but it often leads to anxiety and low self-worth when those standards are not met according to Psychology Today.

    Perfectionism is driven primarily by internal pressure to avoid failure or harsh judgment.

    I had given much thought to perfectionism as a fear of failure. I have a better understanding now that I have done a research into it for this blog.

    I was skimming through my book title on my shelf and came across a Brene Brown’s book that I had not yet read, I Thought It Was Me But It Isn’t. It was published in 2007. What caught my attention was the blurb on the back promoting the book. It read as follows:

    “We spend too much precious time and energy managing perceptions and creating carefully edited versions of ourselves to show to the world. There is a constant barrage of social expectations that teach us that being imperfect is synonymous with being inadequate…So we learn to hide our struggles and protect ourselves from shame, judgment, criticism, and blame by seeking safety in pretending and perfection,” wrote author Harriet Lerner, Ph.D., The Dance of Anger.

    Lerner notes Brene Brown’s book is long overdue. It highlights an important truth: our imperfections are what connect us to one another and to our humanity, adding, our vulnerabilities are not weaknesses.  They are powerful reminders to keep our hearts and minds open to the reality that we’re all in this together.

    Psychology Today states on that what makes extreme perfectionism so toxic is that while those in its grip desire success, they are most focused on avoiding failure, resulting in a negative orientation. They don’t believe in unconditional love, expecting others’ affection and approval to be dependent on a flawless performance.

    See how dangerous that can be to our self-esteem, worth, and confidence?

    What are the signs that someone is a perfectionists? According to Psychology Today and VerywellHealth.com, here are some traits:

    • They set unrealistically high expectation for themselves and others.
    • They are quick to find fault and overly critical of mistakes. They can beat themselves up for small mistakes and/or expect too much of other people.
    • They have a fear of failure.
    • They think constantly about their past failures or future goals. They often seek reassurance from others to assume themselves of their worth and aptitude.
    • Yet, some perfectionists are so afraid of receiving negative feedback that they avoid it at all costs. They can get defensive when receiving constructive criticism.
    • They shrug off compliments and forget to celebrate their success.
    • They focus only on results. They are so concerned about hitting that goal and avoiding failure. This prevents them from enjoying the process of growing and striving.
    • They look to specific people in their life for approval and validation.

    What I did not know is there are three kinds of perfectionism or domains:

    • Self-oriented: imposing an unrealistic desire to be perfect on oneself.
    • Other-oriented: imposing unrealistic standards of perfection on others.
    • Socially-prescribed: perceiving unrealistic expectations of perfection from others.

    Perfectionism is a personality trait that can be harmful if taken too far. Although it is not a mental illness itself, it is a common factor in many mental disorders such as anxiety and depression, OCD obsessive compulsive disorder, and Eating disorders.

    Interestingly, meta data studies and analysis, is showing that perfectionism has become more common over the past several decades. In a 2019 study among college students in the USA, Canada, and the United Kingdom, revealed rates of perfectionism increased significantly between 1989 and 2016.

    Dr. Elizabeth Scott, Ph.D wrote that perfection is a double-edged sword. It is the driving force behind a high achiever or it can be a liability.

    Perfectionists, like high achievers, set and work hard to achieve lofty goals. Whereas, a high achiever can be satisfied knowing they did their best and achieved a goal, a perfectionism will accept nothing less than perfection. “Almost perfect is seen as a failure,” wrote Scott.

    I found this contrast interesting, high achievers are often pulled towards their goals by a desire to achieve them. They are happy with any steps in the right direction. However, according to Scott, perfectionists tend to be pushed by a fear of anything less than a perfectly met goal.

    If perfectionism is left unchecked, according to professionals, it can affect daily life and functioning:

    • Time management
    • Relationships
    • Stress levels
    • Physical and mental health.

    In Brown’s book, I Thought It Was Just Me, she shared a story about when she was a new mom trying to work from home. She laid down her two month old daughter down for a nap before a phone interview while at home. Five minutes into the interview, the baby starts crying.  Brown is trying to mute so the interviewers do not hear the baby crying. Brown had an image of balancing being a new mom and working from home, based on a commercial. Realities of motherhood hit hard. Stress of the situation was too much. Brown took herself out of the running for the community research project. It triggered shame, as she did not want to be seen as incapable of balancing motherhood and work. She did not want to be seen as “needing help.”

    My experience with perfectionism has not been a very positive experience. When my younger son with autism was little, many environments triggered sensory overload. I felt bad for his older brother when we had to leave the book store, library, or playground because his younger brother started to act out or get upset. I felt that stare, heard the comments from other moms on the playground, in a playgroup, at the library story time, or in school at the parent teacher organization (PTO) meeting. I sensed criticism from other moms regarding my parenting ability. It made it very difficult to make friends with other moms.  

    Over the years, I have also experienced perfectionism from bosses and co-volunteers. It makes it challenging and demoralizing when you are working hard and at your best, but good is not enough.  It is particularly challenging if the volunteer leader in charge is a perfectionist. Several years back, I was ready to quit an organization that I was part of because of a volunteer leader’s style, manner, lack of flexibility, and approach. I communicated with that person, and we worked out some of the kinks. It was not the best situation, but it was good enough.

    Just remember that the quest for perfection is exhausting and relenting wrote Lerner.

    “Excellence is a value. Perfectionism is an insecurity.”— author unknown.

    Resources:

    Image retrieved on 6/21/2025 from <a href=”https://www.freepik.com/free-vector/freedom-concept-illustration_44955439.htm”>Image by storyset on Freepik</a>

    Brown, Ph.D. LMSW,  Brene. I Thought It Was Just Me (But It Isn’t): Making the Journey from “What Will People Think?” to ‘I am Enough. Avery, an imprint of Penguin Random House, NY. ©2007

    Dorwart, Laura. “Understanding Perfectionism.” Updated on 6/10/2025. Retrieved on 6/21/2025 from https://www.verywellhealth.com/perfectionism-5323816.

    Psychology Today. “Perfectionsim.”  Retrieved on 6/18/2025 from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/perfectionism?msockid=24f8ebd9437164501298fedc42c365fc

    Scott, Ph.D. Elizabeth. “Perfectionism: 10 Signs of Perfectionist Traits. When Good Enough Isn’t Good Enough.” 6/172024. Retrieved on 6/21/2025 from https://www.verywellmind.com/signs-you-may-be-a-perfectionist-3145233