Curious and Creative

Tag: psychology

  • Our Brains Are Wired for Social Connection

    12/21/2025

    Over the last four weeks, I have focused on the topic of loneliness and its impact on our overall health, not just mental health. Isolation increases risks for mental and physical health issues including heart disease. As I noted, the type of connection is important.

    I have been in a crowded room with tons of people around me and felt disconnected and lonely.

    According to writer Maggie Wooll, loneliness is a state of mind that occurs when there’s a disconnect between one’s desire for human connection and their actual level of connection. In other words, it is when our longing for human relationships is unfulfilled. Our levels of cortisol, a stress hormone, go up when we feel lonely.

    Did you know that chronic stress can lead to many health issues? Recent studies have compared loneliness to smoking fifteen cigarettes per day.

    Human beings are inherently social creatures, wrote Sam Goldstein, Ph.D., an adjunct faculty member at the University of Utah School of Medicine. He added, human survival and well-being depend on social connections and meaningful relationships.

    “Anthropological studies indicate that early humans engaged in rituals, storytelling, and cooperative child-rearing—practices that strengthened social bonds and enhanced group cohesion (Tomasello, 2014). The need for social connection is so deeply ingrained in our biology that our bodies react negatively to prolonged isolation,” wrote Goldstein.

    What is human connection? According to Wooll, human connection is a deep bond that is formed between people when they feel seen and valued. During an authentic human connection, people exchange positive energy with one another and build trust.

    Have you heard of Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs? According to Maslow, food, water, safety, love, and belonging are the most important needs we must fulfill. When our needs and desire for interpersonal relationships and intimacy are met, our overall well-being improves, leading to more fulfilled life.

    There is a big benefit of social interaction, as it relieves loneliness as much as eating reduces hunger, according to a Harvard study released in March 2025. The study’s findings revealed specialized neurons in the hypothalamus that drive our desire for social interaction. Additionally, when we physically connect with others, our brain’s reward system activates.

    The hypothalamus is located at the base of the brain. It serves as the brain’s hub for regulating our basic needs. When we physically connect with others, our brains’ reward systems activate. When the reward system activates, the brain releases the “feel good” chemicals, such as serotonin, oxytocin, and dopamine. Serotonin can brighten our mood, oxytocin fosters feelings of closeness, and dopamine reinforces the idea that connecting with others is a good thing.

    The teams of researchers observed that there are two groups of neurons at play. They are encoded to different states of social behavior. One group represents the brain’s need for connection after isolation and the other group signals the brain’s response to having met that need during social interaction. When a mouse interacted with another mouse, the specialized neurons were prompted to release dopamine. Researchers noted that this like how eating reduces hunger, social interaction reduces loneliness.

    Although we have come far from social interaction with others through newer technologies, the Harvard study indicated that we need physical connection as well. Individuals are still feeling disconnected. What does it mean to feel connected? As the researchers saw in mice who physically touched another mouse after isolation, physical interaction may be key to restoring social interaction.

    In a 2015 TEDX Chelmsford presentation, Presenter Dan Foxx said, “As human beings, we have always been genetically driven to connect with other people. We are social animals, but we are poor at this skill. And we are “blind” to the obstacle which stands in our way, because the obstacle is US!”

    According to Foxx, first we need to obscure our ego’s needs.  Next, we need to learn a new way to love, to begin to authentically care for others first.  Then, we will begin to see changes in new and renewed relationships.

    In a concurring view, Molly Carroll, licensed therapist and published author, said during her TEDX Manhattan Beach presentation, “human connection lowers anxiety, depression, and suicide ideation, and how improving our connection with ourselves helps us better connect with others.”

    As people, we need to make deeper connections noted Carroll, adding, if we improve our connection with ourselves, we will then be able to connect better with others.

    Goldstein noted that there are three ways to foster connection:

    1. Prioritize face to face interactions. Meet in person. Studies have shown that face to face interactions help reduce stress and increase feelings of belonging.
    2. Engage in shared activities. Participate in group activities like volunteering, team sports, or hobby groups.
    3. Practice active listening and empathy. Show genuine interest in others. Make eye contact, respond thoughtfully.

    I know from experience that it can be hard to break out of loneliness. I know there are risks for putting yourself out there. I fear rejection. Be proactive. I strongly encourage you to reach out and set up at least one face-to-face meeting a week with someone you know or someone you would like to get to know better. Prioritize genuine, meaningful connections.

    Resources:

    Image retrieved on 12/20/2025 from <a href=”https://www.freepik.com/free-photo/arrangement-still-life-friendship-day-elements_14311777.htm

    Carroll, Molly. “The Need for Human Connection and Why it Starts with Ourselves.” Video. TEDxManhattan Beach.    Retrieved on 11/18/2025 from The need for human connection and why it starts with ourselves | Molly Carroll | TEDxManhattanBeach

    Foxx, Dan. “The Hidden Truth about Human Connection.”  Video. TEDXChelmsford. 8/20/2015. Retrieved on 11/18/2025 from The hidden truth about human connection | Dan Foxx | TEDxChelmsford

    Goldstein, Sam. “Why We Need Each Other: Building Meaningful Relationships for a Better Life.” Psychology Today. 3/17/2025. Retrieved on 11/18/2025 from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/common-sense-science/202503/why-we-need-each-other?

    Haseltin, Ph.D. William. “New Evidence That We are Wired for Connection: Connecting with others is more than something to be desired. “3/25/2025. Psychologytoday.com Retrieved on 11/18/2025 from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/best-practices-in-health/202503/new-evidence-that-were-wired-for-connection?

    Wooll, Maggie. “You Know You Need Human Connection. Here’s How to Achieve it.” 11/17/2021. Retrieved on 12/20/2025 from https://www.betterup.com/blog/human-connection

  • Hope Matters. Hope is Essential

    12/6/2025

    Are you a believer in hope, or are you cynic masquerading as a “realist?” I admit lately I spend more time in the second category than the first. My anxiety plays a big part in my view of life.

    My husband has asked me, “Why live in fear and be cynical?”

    I cannot always answer that question when I am in an anxious state. When I am anxious, anxiety hijacks my brain, locking out sensibility and logic. However, once the anxiety and panic have dissipated, logic can take reins again. I can think more clearly.

    Hope carries a lot of weight. I need to re-evaluate where I am. As I dove into research on hope, my brain locked into curiosity. Over the last few days, I have learned that hope is a stand-alone emotion that is a powerful force that makes you feel that your life matters.

    Recent research has shown that hope is more than wishful thinking and more important than happiness. If you face a difficult challenge or uncertain time, it is important to turn to hope.

    William Miller, author of the book 8 Ways to Hope, notes how important it is to hope and ways we can cultivate hope. He defines hope as a complex response, involving feeling, thought, action, vision, a life-force, and a way of seeing or being. He added, it is not a naïve approach to seeing the world, where we ignore problems and engage in “wishful thing.”

    “The essence of hope is envisioned betterment, and serves us well,” wrote Miller.  “As humans we are hardwired to dream a better future, helping us to carry on and survive.”

    University of Missouri’s Psychological Sciences research backs up this idea that hope is integral to fostering meaning in one’s life. U of M researchers. led by Megan Edwards and Laura King in the Psychological Sciences department, are showing that hope stands apart as one of the strongest positive emotions that directly fosters a sense of meaning.

    “Our research shifts the perspective on hope from merely a cognitive process related to goal attainment to recognizing it as a vital emotional experience that enriches life’s meaning,” wrote Edwards, who is now a post doctorate scholar at Duke University.  She commented that this is a new insight, and it opens new avenues for enhancing psychological well-being.

    Research included six studies of more than twenty-three hundred participants from diverse backgrounds. The teams analyzed the range of emotions, including amusement, contentment, excitement, and happiness. The findings consistently demonstrated that only hope predicted a stronger sense of meaning.

    King stated that experiencing meaning in life is crucial for about every good thing you can imagine in a person’s life. It enhances self-care in relationships, adding, it is not a rare experience as it is available to people in their everyday lives. Hope is one of the things that makes life meaningful.

    “Perceiving meaning in life can provide a sense of coherence, recognition, and comprehension in whatever is happening,” writes Miller, while “purpose in life includes a personal role in the present and future.”

    “Given the plethora of positive characteristics with which it is associated, hope might be considered a master virtue,” writes Miller. “It is a positive orientation of mind and heart toward your own future or that of the world at large.”

    Miller highlights a research study that was conducted at an in-patient alcohol treatment center, where staff was given the hopeful message that certain patients in their care were more likely to improve. After treatment was over, those patients did, indeed, have fewer drinking episodes, longer periods of abstinence, and higher rates of employment than other patients.

    But, it turns out the staff had been duped.  Those patients had no better chance of improvement than any others. Just infusing hope changed the course of treatment.

    “Seeing a possible pathway forward is both a source and a product of hope,” wrote Miller.

    Other psychologists have discovered that if you generate hopefulness, you can think about a broader range of solutions, wrote Gina Simmons Schneider, Ph.D., author of Frazzlebrain, adding that hope is healthy.

    We live in an age of cynicism and hostility where there is a deep distrust of others, including our institutions and neighbors. This can lead to feeling frazzled while dampening attitudes of cooperation or collaboration. It also can shut down healthy hopefulness. It can be scary and challenging when then faced with self-critical thoughts. Yet hope can open the door.

    Schneider wrote that when hope is generated you can provide yourself with comfort and encouragement. Talk to yourself as if you were caring for a close friend using phrases such as “may I be peaceful; may I live with ease.” These phrases can help aim your mind in a soothing direction.

    I encourage you to lean toward hope as hope can be contagious. As Rodielon, staff writer for earth.com, wrote, hope is a lifeline.

    “Hope is being able to see that there is light despite all of the darkness.”—Desmond Tutu.

    Resources:

    Image retrieved on 12/4/2025 from <a href=”https://www.freepik.com/free-photo/top-view-hop-word-made-with-scrabble-letters-against-black-background_4341855.htm

    Putol, Rodielon. “Experts identify the simple emotion that gives life meaning – and it’s not happiness.” 6/23/2025. Earth.com. Retrieved on 12/4/2025 from https://www.earth.com/news/experts-identify-the-simple-emotion-that-gives-life-meaning-and-its-not-happiness/

    Ras, Bonnie Riva, deputy editor. “Why Hope is More Important Than Happiness.” 7/12/2025. Retrieved on 12/3/2025 from https://www.goodnet.org/articles/hope-more-important-than-happiness

    Schneider, Ph.D., Gina Simmons. “Easy Ways to Generate Hope. Hopefulness is Healthy and can be Learned.” Retrieved on 12/4/2024 from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/frazzlebrain/202411/easy-ways-to-generate-hope?

    Stann, Eric. University of Missouri. “Hope may be more important to your well-being than happiness.” 6/27/2025. Retrieved on 12/3/2025 from https://www.futurity.org/hope-well-being-3285112/

    Suttie, Psy.D, Jill. “Eight Ways You Can Feel More Hopeful-Even in Dark Times.” 8/21/2024. Retrieved 12/4/2025 from https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/eight_ways_you_can_feel_more_hopeful_even_in_dark_times

  • Do You Feel Lonely?

    November 19, 2025

    Image by rawpixel.com on Freepik

    Have you ever felt lonely and lost in a room full of people?

    You do not have to be alone to feel lonely. Our modern life is designed for isolation. Yet, loneliness harms our bodies not just our minds according to the U.S. Surgeon General.

    The effect and mortality impact of being socially disconnected is similar to that caused by smoking up to 15 cigarettes a day, noted U.S. Surgeon General Vivek Murthy. Additionally, this is greater than that associated with obesity and physical inactivity.

    Murthy first put the spotlight on the loneliness epidemic back in the spring of 2023. He reported that during his first listening tour of the U.S., he began hearing stories that they felt isolated, invisible and insignificant. But even they could not put their finger on the word, “lonely.”

    How does the Surgeon General define loneliness? Loneliness is described as a state of mind: “a subjective distressing experience that results from perceived isolation or inadequate meaningful connections, where inadequate refers to the discrepancy or unmet need between an individual’s preferred and actual experience.” 

    “Loneliness is not about being alone. It is about feeling unseen,” wrote Whitney Coulson, LCSW. Adding, loneliness is about our needs for connection not being met. We feel we are not being met, unseen, unheard, or unimportant to anyone in a meaningful way, noted Coulson.

    Loneliness has become such an important topic, that between 2021-2024, Harvard University Graduate School of Education conducted the study “Making Care Common.” Researchers investigated the underlying causes of loneliness and in May 2024, they conducted a national survey with the company YouGov to find out what Americans had to say about the problem.

    Who is lonely? It might not be what you would expect, according to a 2024 Harvard University Study:

    • People between 30-44 years of age were the loneliest group — 29% of people in this age range said they were “frequently” or “always” lonely.
    • Among 18–29-year-olds — the rate was 24%.
    • For 45–64-year-olds, the rate was 20%.
    • Adults aged sixty-five and older reported the lowest rate: 10% felt lonely.
    • There were no real gender differences found, nor political ideology, race, or ethnicity. Yet, adults with more than one racial identity had much higher levels of loneliness: 42 percent of multiracial survey respondents reported they were lonely.
    • Interestingly, there were notable differences between income, but not education levels. Twenty-nine percent of Americans earning less than $30,000 were the loneliest. Nineteen percent of those earning between $50,000 to $100,000, and 18 percent of those making $100,000 or more reported that they were lonely.

    According to Psychology Today, half of U.S. adults reporting feeling lonely. Not just in the United States, 1 in 6 adults globally experience loneliness, with significant health impacts, including an estimated 871 hundred thousand deaths annually due to loneliness related issues.

    Did you know that chronic loneliness increases the risk of premature death by 29 percent? It is associated with higher rates of heart disease, stroke, and dementia. In a sense, loneliness can lead to broken heartedness.

    The U.S. Surgeon General’s Advisory, “Our Epidemic of Loneliness and Isolation 2023,” pointed out that we feel the impact of this loss of social connection. It can be felt in our schools, workplaces, and civic organization, where performance, productivity, and engagement are diminished.  

    What has contributed to this epidemic of loneliness? Experts point out that several societal changes have worsened the feelings of loneliness.

    • Digital age-Technology may offer connectivity but lacks depth of face-to-face interactions: 73 percent of those surveyed said that technology contributed to loneliness.
    • COVID-19 Pandemic: The pandemic intensified feelings of disconnection and exacerbating mental health challenges.
    • Societal division-increased societal division has been linked to higher levels of loneliness:  Many adults are feeling emotionally strained and isolated.
    • Insufficient time with family: 66 percent survey participants as the reason for loneliness.
    • Mental health challenges affecting or harming relationships with others: 60 percent of people who responded to survey rated this as a significant problem.
    • Living in a society that is too individualistic: 58 percent of people named this as a cause for loneliness.
    • No religious or spiritual life: too much focus on one’s own feelings, changing nature of work. Around 50 percent of people who participated in the Harvard survey perceived this as a cause.

    Experts have described loneliness epidemic as complex and multifaceted. As I began my research, I learned that social isolation is not the same as loneliness.

    Harvard research data included anecdotal data. A person said there were plenty of family members around, but not feeling appreciated by them made them feel lonely. Another person reported, “I was surrounded by several people who are present only in my life because I am useful to them.”

    The Harvard researchers found a strong correlation between loneliness and mental health concerns. Eighty-one percent who reported being lonely said they suffered with anxiety or depression, compared to twenty-nine percent of those who less lonely. Troubled feelings, loneliness, anxiety, and depression all feed into each other noted the researchers.

    Caulson, pointed out in her Psychology Today commentary that as people we have traded community for convenience, and connection for efficiency.

    “Friendships have been replaced by group chats that start with memes and end in silence,” said Caulson.

    What does loneliness look like? Loneliness is treated by our bodies as danger notes several experts.

    When connection breaks down, noted Caulson, our nervous system shifts into preservation mode-fight, flight or freeze. Cortisol increases, sleep worsens, blood pressure rises and then over time our risks for dementia, heart disease and early death increases if chronic loneliness is not tackled.

    In therapy or counseling, it may sound like “I am so tired,” “I feel disconnected,” or “I’m busy all the time, but empty.” In everyday life, loneliness may show up as irritability, workaholicism, or an inability to rest.

    How do we fix it? How do we tackle loneliness? Three quarters of the people surveyed by Harvard University researchers highlighted the following solutions:

    • Reach out to family and friends
    • Learn to love myself
    • Learn to be more forgiving of others
    • Find ways to help others.
    • More activities and fun community events
    • Public spaces that are more accessible and connection focused like green spaces and playgrounds.

    Harvard’s “Making Caring Common” researchers reported that “Collective service can provide important connections that relieve loneliness,” they state, as well as “cultivate meaning and purpose and mitigate mental health challenges.”  

    As I noted, loneliness is more than social isolation. Caulson points out that we need to relearn how to belong.

    Over the next few blogs posts, I am going to explore and share more about loneliness. Have you felt lonely? I have.

    Resources:

    Image retrieved on 11/18/2025 from <a href=”https://www.freepik.com/free-vector/woman-getting-bored-coronavirus-quarantine-element-vector_24382767.htm”>Image by rawpixel.com on Freepik</a>

    Coulson, LCSW, Whitney. “The Loneliness Epidemic is Worse Than You Think.” 11/7/2025.

    Murthy, Vivek H. 19th and 21st Surgeon General of the United States. “Our Epidemic of Loneliness and Isolation 2023.” Retrieved on 11/18/2025 from https://www.hhs.gov/sites/default/files/surgeon-general-social-connection-advisory.pdf

    Ross, Elizabeth M. “What is Causing Our Epidemic of Loneliness and How Can We Fix It?” 10/25/ 2024. Harvard Graduate School of Education. Retrieved on 11/18/2025 from https://www.gse.harvard.edu/ideas/usable-knowledge/24/10/what-causing-our-epidemic-loneliness-and-how-can-we-fix-it

  • What Do Your Regret Most?

    October 9, 2025

    Do you look back at your life and ask if there was something that you could have done differently? Do you carry that guilt with you?

    This week’s post focuses on moral regret, which is the third of the four core regrets that Daniel H. Pink defined in his book, Power of Regret. Moral regrets tend to ache the more and last the longest wrote Pink.

    Pink and his team surveyed 4500 Americans to collect their attitudes about regret. They also launched a survey to collect regrets from the world. Pink’s team collected more than sixteen thousand regrets from people in 105 countries.

    During his research, Pink noticed a trend as he and his team sorted through thousands of self-reported regrets. The moral transgressions that people regret, he says, read “like the production notes for a Ten Commandments training video.”

    Most of us want to be good people. Yet, we often face challenges or choices that tempt us to take the low road, wrote Pink.

    Interestingly, moral regrets accounted for just ten percent of the responses that Pink and his team received. Pink wrote that guilt is different from regret, but also a subset of moral regret, and is usually about something we have done, rather than what we failed to do.

    Five most common moral regrets:

    • Harm to others: actions that cause pain or suffering to others such as bullying or betrayal.
    • Cheating: Engaging in dishonest behavior, whether in personal relationships or competitive situations.
    • Disloyalty: Failing to support friends or family members when they need it most.
    • Subversion: Disrespecting authority figures or violating societal norms.
    • Desecration: Actions that violate deeply held beliefs or values, such as abortion or other moral transgressions.

    The Critical Thought Lab writer Simon Crawford-Welch wrote “moral regrets often feel like a heavy weight in your chest—a sense of shame or guilt that does not easily fade.”

     If you find yourself thinking, I wish I had done the right thing, you are confronting a moral regret.

    Yesel Yoon, a clinical psychologist wrote in Psychology Today, said that striving to avoid regrets entirely might cause us to miss important opportunities to gain experience and grow. However, it is not good to ruminate on regrets that we may have either.

    “Be cautious about letting regrets linger,” wrote Yoon. Additionally, when we allow them to go unprocessed, they can have negative consequences, such as depression, anxiety, self-doubt, indecision, and avoidance of opportunities.

    Use regret as a guide wrote Yoon.

    Crawford-Welch also noted that moral regrets can highlight your desire to be a good person. You can use moral regrets as a guidepost to clarify your values and strengthen your commitment to living with integrity.

    Yoon wrote it is important to learn from the past, not be stuck in the past.

    • Reflect on the past. What do you wish you had done differently?
    • Why do you regret taking the action that you did?
    • What could you differently today?
    • Imagine you have taken new steps, how would you feel?

    Additionally, Crawford-Welch suggested that you ask yourself, “what is this regret teaching me? Instead of saying to yourself, ‘I failed,’ shift to ‘I grew from this experience.’ ”

    Most importantly, practice self-compassion.

    Resources:

    Image retrieved on 10/9/2025 from <a href=”https://www.freepik.com/free-vector/hand-drawn-flat-design-shrug-illustration_24195966.htm”>Image by freepik</a>

    Crawford-Welch, Simon. “Turning Regret into Wisdom: The 4 Types of Regret and How to Use Them for Good.”  1/10/2025. The Critical Thought Lab.Retrieved on 9/22/2025 from https://thecriticalthoughtlab.com/turning-regret-into-wisdom-the-4-types-of-regret-and-how-to-use-them-for-good/

    Davis, Paula. “The 4 Major Kinds of Regret” Psychology Today. 2/2022.Retrieved on 9/9/2025 from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/pressure-proof/202202/the-4-major-kinds-of-regret?msockid

    Graham, Jennifer. “Danile Pink has 19,000 regrets and counting. What can we learn from his research?” 2/26/2022. Retrieved on 9/22/2025 from https://www.deseret.com/faith/2022/2/26/22946552/daniel-pink-has-19000-regrets-and-counting-what-can-we-learn-from-his-research-ten-commandments/

    Gutfreund, Deborah. “The 4 Regrets to Transform Your Life.” 10/2024. Aish.com. Retrieved on 9/9/2025 from https://aish.com/the-4-regrets-to-transform-your-life/

    Jones, Emily Williams. “The 4 Types of Regret (A How They Affect Us.” Psychology for Mental Health. Retrieved on 8/30/2025 from https://psychologyfor.com/the-4-types-of-regret-and-how-they-affect-us/

    Mautz, Scott. “On the 4 Core Regrets, a Big Lesson Learned, and More.” “Lead on!” Issue #98: 3/29/2023. Retrieved on 8/24/2025 from https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/issue-98-4-core-regrets-big-lesson-learned-more-scott-mautz/

    Pink, Daniel H. The Power of Regret: How Looking Backward Moves Us Forward. Random House Large Print. ©2022

    Pink, Daniel H. “Around the World, People have the same 4 regrets.” Retrieved on 8/24/2025 from https://www.linkedin.com/posts/danielpink_around-the-world-people-have-the-same-4-regrets-activity-7237095775535538176-6Zf9/

    Pink, Daniel H. “Will We Actually See it? Daniel Pink On the Power of Regret.”                                           Retrieved on 8/25/2025 from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m45eymlraJs

    Pink, Daniel H. “The 4 Types of Regret We Don’t Recognize.” 6/14/2024. Oprah Daily. Retrieved on 9/22/2025 from https://www.oprahdaily.com/life/health/a60862112/4-types-of-regret-daniel-h-pink/

    Wattier, Linda.” 4 Types of Regret and How to Leverage Them for a More Fulfilling Life.” Tiny Buddha. Retrieved on 8/30/2025 from https://tinybuddha.com/blog/4-types-of-regret-and-how-to-leverage-them-for-a-more-fulfilling-life/

    Wright, Josh. “What is the Power of Regret? A Conversation with Daniel Pink.” Behavioral Scientist. 12/13/2022. Retrieved on 8/24/2025 from https://behavioralscientist.org/what-is-the-power-of-regret-a-conversation-with-daniel-pink/

    Yoon, Ph.D., Yesel. “Moving from Regret to Action: What Can You Do Today?” 2/23/2025. Retrieved on 9/22/2025 from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/on-second-thought/202502/moving-from-regret-to-action-what-can-you-do-today?msockid=2daa491bbe5f6f130a475bc3ba5f61f9

  • Dare to Be Bold, Don’t Hold Back

    9/22/2025

    How often do you look back in your life and ask “if only” I had taken a chance? I have. I lacked confidence as a young person; I doubted my writing and speaking abilities. I feared rejection. Instead of testing myself, I held back. I played it safely. After I married and had my kids, I sought jobs with flexibility for my family life. The jobs paid the bills but did not always challenge me.

    The “If only” regrets can be difficult to have. Regret is a negative emotion, and it can make us feel worse. The emotions can feel raw. Over the last couple of posts, I have written about regret and the core regrets as defined by social scientist Daniel Pink, author of Power of Regret.

    The focus of this post is the Boldness Regret. Pink defines this regret as we play it too safe and are left wondering what could have been. Examples include “If only I’d asked that girl out.”, “If only I’d taken that trip before I had children.”, “If only I’d started that business.”. Boldness regrets arise from the failure to take full advantage of opportunities as a springboard into a potentially more fulfilled life.

    As part of a large study, Pink and colleagues set up a website called “The World Regret Survey.”  As part of the survey, they asked, “How often do you look back in your life and wish you had done something differently?” And they found 83 percent of the population saying they do that, at least occasionally. It verifies how common this emotion is, especially when we do not label it with that toxic word of “regret.”

    According to this study by Pink, there is a profound demographic difference of age related to types of regret. When people are young—say, in their 20s—they have equal numbers of regrets for action (what they did) and regrets for inaction (what they did not do). But as people age into their thirties and certainly 40s, 50s, 60s, 70s, the inaction regrets take over. Inaction regrets are, in general, about twice as prevalent as action regrets. As we get older, what really sticks with us are the regrets about what we did not do.

    Deborah Gutfreund is an OCD and trauma therapist. Gutfreund wrote that we can learn from the bold regrets by taking a chance in the future, grab that opportunity to travel, take a class, or ask someone for coffee. Adding, the research reveals that we are more likely to regret what we did not do than what we try, even if it was not a success.

    Work-Life performance expert Donna Davis wrote that both regret and disappointment arise when an outcome is not what you wanted, counted on, or thought would happen; but, with disappointment, you often believe the outcome was outside of your control. With so with regret—you believe the outcome was caused by your own decisions or actions. In other words, it is your fault.

    The “no regrets” ethos is a strong one, however, Pink points out that this is a dangerous outlook. Adding regret is a marker of a healthy and maturing mind.

    Rabbi Effram Goldberg stated no regrets does not mean living with courage, it means living without reflection.

    After personal reflection, we can use regret in a positive way to transform our lives.

    “You decide every day who you will and will not be. Be bold in your decision but remember, choose wisely.” Joel Brown

    Resources:

    Image retrieved on 9/17/2025 from https://www.freepik.com/free-photo/i-cant-message-card-being-cut-with-scissor_10424096.htm

    Davis, Paula. “The 4 Major Kinds of Regret” Psychology Today. 2/2022.Retrieved on 9/9/2025 from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/pressure-proof/202202/the-4-major-kinds-of-regret?msockid

    Gutfreund, Deborah. “The 4 Regrets to Transform Your Life.” 10/2024. Aish.com. Retrieved on 9/9/2025 from https://aish.com/the-4-regrets-to-transform-your-life/

    Jones, Emily Williams. “The 4 Types of Regret (A How They Affect Us.” Psychology for Mental Health. Retrieved on 8/30/2025 from https://psychologyfor.com/the-4-types-of-regret-and-how-they-affect-us/

    Mautz, Scott. “On the 4 Core Regrets, a Big Lesson Learned, and More.” “Lead on!” Issue #98: 3/29/2023. Retrieved on 8/24/2025 from https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/issue-98-4-core-regrets-big-lesson-learned-more-scott-mautz/

    Pink, Daniel H. The Power of Regret: How Looking Backward Moves Us Forward. Random House Large Print. ©2022

    Pink, Daniel H. “Around the World, People have the same 4 regrets.” Retrieved on 8/24/2025 from https://www.linkedin.com/posts/danielpink_around-the-world-people-have-the-same-4-regrets-activity-7237095775535538176-6Zf9/

    Pink, Daniel H. “Will We Actually See it? Daniel Pink On the Power of Regret.”                                           Retrieved on 8/25/2025 from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m45eymlraJs

    Tuhin, Muhammad. “The Neuroscience of Regret: Why it Haunts Us.” 6/23/2025. Retrieved on 8/25/2025 from https://www.sciencenewstoday.org/the-neuroscience-of-regret-why-it-haunts-us

    Wattier, Linda.” 4 Types of Regret and How to Leverage Them for a More Fulfilling Life.” Tiny Buddha. Retrieved on 8/30/2025 from https://tinybuddha.com/blog/4-types-of-regret-and-how-to-leverage-them-for-a-more-fulfilling-life/

    Wright, Josh. “What is the Power of Regret? A Conversation with Daniel Pink.” Behavioral Scientist. 12/13/2022. Retrieved on 8/24/2025 from https://behavioralscientist.org/what-is-the-power-of-regret-a-conversation-with-daniel-pink/

  • Don’t Let Your Regret Hold You Back

    9/10/2025 Wednesday

    If you think back on your life, what regret hits hardest? I believe most of us have felt that sting of regret. It is universal, yet very personal.

    Muhammad Tuhin wrote that in the quiet hours of the night, a familiar shadow often creeps in, not a ghost in the room, but a ghost of the mind. It is a moment replayed, a path not taken. It is deep ache that we define as regret.

    I think Tuhin hit the mark. I, too, have a few regrets. How would my mental health be different if I took time for myself? Could I have avoided depression cycles or had a better handle on anxiety? By focusing on my family and ignoring my needs, this neglect affected my mental, spiritual, and physical health. I chose to emotionally eat to try to hide from my feelings and negative emotions, not face the stresses or worries head-on.

    According to Daniel H. Pink, author of The Power of Regret, regret falls into four core areas: foundational, boldness, moral, and connectional. This post will focus on foundational regrets.

    Additionally, Pink noted that many of our educational, finance, and health regrets are expressions of the same core regret: our failure to be responsible, conscientious, or prudent. Examples of foundational regrets include overspending and under saving, spending time partying in college, instead of focusing on studying or eating fast food and junk food, which often cause unhealthy weight gain.

    One of the most difficult things about regret is that it sits at the intersection of acceptance and yearning. The brain wants to learn and move forward, but it also wants to revisit, and rewrite wrote Tuhin.

    Regret is that stomach-churning feeling that the present would be better and the future brighter if only you hadn’t chosen so poorly, decided so wrongly, or acted so stupidly in the past wrote Pink.

    Foundation regrets can be summarized as if only I had done the work written by Linda Wattier.

    Wattier wrote that she spent a lot of time, in her forties, that she wallowed in these regrets, revisiting past mistakes and ramping up self-criticism which led to heartbreak and grief.

    Regrets can happen. It is what we do with those regrets that can make a difference.

    “Regret is not dangerous or abnormal,” wrote Pink, “a deviation from the steady path to happiness. It is healthy and universal, an integral part of being human. Regret is also valuable. It clarifies. It instructs me. Done right, it needn’t drag us down; it can lift us up.”

    Thinking about it this way, we have a need for stability. It is important to build a basic infrastructure for educational, financial, and physical well-being, for us to have fulfilling lives wrote Wattier. Yet, when we fail to do this, we can be left with regret.

    When faced with regret, work to make a change, try to fix the situation. However, sometimes that is not always possible. “All is not lost, wrote Psychologist Emily Williams Jones.

    Over time, chronic regret can change brain chemistry. It may lower serotonin levels, heighten depression. Tuhin adds, it may even alter the connectivity between emotional and rational regions of the brain that makes it harder to regulate negative feelings.

    Pink has a three-prong approach to facing regret:

    • Look inward: This involves reframing the regret(s) that we have. Practice self-compassion. Teach and treat ourselves with kindness and understanding that can lead to healing and growth.
    • Look outward: Share your regrets with others. Talking or writing about our regrets can help us make sense of them.
    • Move forward: Extract lessons from our regrets. This is essential to create distance and gain perspective on those regrets. Optimize regret rather than minimize it. Create a failure resume to reflect and learn from past mishaps.

    We can use discomfort to solve a situation, to not make mistakes, or not miss an opportunity in the future noted Jones.

    Regret is a chapter, not a whole book, wrote Tuhin.

    Next week, I will focus on the boldness regrets, the “if only.”

    Resources:

    Image retrieved on 9/7/2025 from <a href=https://www.freepik.com/free-vector/hand-drawn-facepalm-illustration_38477179.htm

    Jones, Emily Williams. “The 4 Types of Regret (A How They Affect Us.” Psychology for Mental Health. Retrieved on 8/30/2025 from https://psychologyfor.com/the-4-types-of-regret-and-how-they-affect-us/

    Mautz, Scott. “On the 4 Core Regrets, a Big Lesson Learned, and More.” “Lead on!” Issue #98: 3/29/2023. Retrieved on 8/24/2025 from https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/issue-98-4-core-regrets-big-lesson-learned-more-scott-mautz/

    Pink, Daniel H. The Power of Regret: How Looking Backward Moves Us Forward. Random House Large Print. ©2022

    Pink, Daniel H. “Around the World, People have the same 4 regrets.” Retrieved on 8/24/2025 from https://www.linkedin.com/posts/danielpink_around-the-world-people-have-the-same-4-regrets-activity-7237095775535538176-6Zf9/

    Pink, Daniel H. “Will We Actually See it? Daniel Pink On the Power of Regret.”                                           Retrieved on 8/25/2025 from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m45eymlraJs

    Tuhin, Muhammad. “The Neuroscience of Regret: Why it Haunts Us.” 6/23/2025. Retrieved on 8/25/2025 from https://www.sciencenewstoday.org/the-neuroscience-of-regret-why-it-haunts-us

    Wattier, Linda.” 4 Types of Regret and How to Leverage Them for a More Fulfilling Life.” Tiny Buddha. Retrieved on 8/30/2025 from https://tinybuddha.com/blog/4-types-of-regret-and-how-to-leverage-them-for-a-more-fulfilling-life/

    Wright, Josh. “What is the Power of Regret? A Conversation with Daniel Pink.” Behavioral Scientist. 12/13/2022. Retrieved on 8/24/2025 from https://behavioralscientist.org/what-is-the-power-of-regret-a-conversation-with-daniel-pink/

  • Regret Can Steer Us in a New Direction

    9/3/2025

    “No regrets.” This is a philosophy that many people claim for life. Some even have it tattooed onto their bodies.

     Yet, author Daniel H.  Pink says that regret is a fundamental part of being human. Regret hurts but also instructs. We cannot have one without the other.

    Muhammad Tuhin wrote that it is crucial to understand that regret isn’t just sadness in disguise. It’s a distinct emotion, with its own signature, triggers, and consequences. Added, Regret is tied to agency—the sense that we had control, and we failed. It is tinged with “what ifs” and “if onlys.” It isn’t just about loss; it’s about the belief that loss could have been avoided.

    In Pink’s book The Power of Regret, Pink shares the results of two extensive research projects he conducted. He worked with a small team of survey research experts that designed and carried out the largest quantitative analysis of American attitudes about regret ever conducted called The American Regret Project. Pink also launched a website, the World Regret Survey (worldregretsurvey.com), that has now collected more than 26,000 regrets from people in 134 countries.

    In addition, Pink highlighted the research from psychology, neuroscience, economics, and biology to challenge the widely held assumptions about human emotions and behaviors.

    There are four core regrets written in Pink’s book, Power of Regret:

    1. Foundation regrets: Many of our education, finance, and health regrets are expressions of the same core regret: our failure to be responsible, conscientious, or prudent. Our lives require some basic level of stability. Yet sometimes our individual choices undermine this long-term need.
    2. Boldness regrets: One of the most robust findings in the academic research, and my own, is that over time, we are much more likely to regret the chances we didn’t take than the chances we did. What haunts us is the inaction itself.
    1. Moral regrets: Most of us want to be good people. Yet we often face choices that tempt us to take the low road. When we behave poorly, or compromise our belief in our own goodness, regret can build and then persist.
    2. Connection regrets: Our actions give our lives direction. But other people give those lives purpose. A massive number of human regrets stem from our failure to recognize and honor this principle.

    Pink shared that positive emotions are incredibly important and that they should outnumber our negative emotions but we need some negative emotions because they instruct us. A prominent negative emotion is regret.

    Person Coach Linda Wattier wrote that regret is a unique emotion because it stems from our agency. It’s not something imposed upon us; rather, it arises from choices we made or opportunities we missed.

    In explaining the neuroscience of regret, Tuhin wrote that our brains our master storytellers. It doesn’t just record reality, it edits, reshapes, and replays it. Nowhere is this more evident than in the neural architecture of regret.

    At the center of this process is the orbitofrontal cortex, or OFC, for short. It is the region just above the eyes that is deeply involved in decision-making and evaluation. It helps our brains weigh choices, predict outcomes, and compare actual results with imagined ones. If you experience regret, the OFC does not just analyze what happened, it actively constructs what could have happened. It imagines an alternate path and then evaluates the emotional consequence of not taking it.

    Tuhin wrote that functional MRI studies have shown that the OFC becomes highly active when people are asked to reflect on poor choices or missed opportunities. When the loss is someone else’s the OFC does not light up as much. However, when the fault lies with you, the lights of the OFC shine brightly.

    Regrets are tough. I have a few regrets: If only I had more confidence or learned how to become more confident. I do not think that I would have passed on opportunities or been timid in job interviews. I wish I had joined Toastmasters sooner right after college. As I noted in past posts, I regret being such a bully to myself, knocking myself down.

    Tuhin added that regret is not purely logical. It can carry a very big emotional load: guilt, disappointment, shame, longing. These emotions are orchestrated by a small, almond shaped structure deep in our brain, called the amygdala. The amygdala is regret’s emotional partner.

    You probably didn’t imagine so much was doing on inside of our brains, most likely we are emotionally focused on the result, whether it was we wanted, planned, or not.  The negative emotional toll can be quite hefty.

    In his article, Tuhin shared an example, “Let’s say you remember breaking up with someone who truly loved you. Your OFC might reconstruct a version of life where you stayed together and found happiness. Your amygdala will attach emotional significance to that alternate memory, making it feel real, even though it never actually happened… the collaboration between the OFC and the amygdala creates the vivid, haunting quality of regret. So, our brains may not just think about an alternative or better outcome-it feels it, deeply wrote Tuhin.

    In a culture that promotes relentless positivity and a “no regrets” philosophy, Wattier has learned that negative emotions have their place in a fulfilling life.

    Throughout the month of September, I am going to write about each of the four core regrets. I will dive a little deeper into the core regrets and share examples.

    “Regret can show you what is good in life.” – Daniel H. Pink

    Resources:

    Image retrieved 8/26/2025 from https://www.freepik.com/free-vector/lonely-girl-suffering-from-depression_7732643.htm#fromView=image_search_similar&page=1&position=0&uuid=1234e4d3-b9cc-490f-9290-d3cab4032b53&query=regret

    Jones, Emily Williams. “The 4 Types of Regret (An How They Affect Us.” Psychology for Mental Health.  Retrieved on 8/30/2025 from https://psychologyfor.com/the-4-types-of-regret-and-how-they-affect-us/

    Mautz, Scott. “On the 4 Core Regrets, a Big Lesson Learned, and More.” “Lead on!” Issue #98: 3/29/2023. Retrieved on 8/24/2025 from https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/issue-98-4-core-regrets-big-lesson-learned-more-scott-mautz/

    Pink, Daniel H. The Power of Regret: How Looking Backward Moves Us Forward. Random House Large Print. ©2022

    Pink, Daniel H. “Around the World, People have the same 4 regrets.” Retrieved on 8/24/2025 from https://www.linkedin.com/posts/danielpink_around-the-world-people-have-the-same-4-regrets-activity-7237095775535538176-6Zf9/

    Pink, Daniel H. “Will We Actually See it? Daniel Pink On the Power of Regret.”                                           Retrieved on 8/25/2025 from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m45eymlraJs

    Tuhin, Muhammad. “The Neuroscience of Regret: Why it Haunts Us.” 6/23/2025. Retrieved on 8/25/2025 from https://www.sciencenewstoday.org/the-neuroscience-of-regret-why-it-haunts-us

    Wattier, Linda.” 4 Types of Regret and How to Leverage Them for a More Fulfilling Life.” Tiny Buddha. Retrieved on 8/30/2025 from https://tinybuddha.com/blog/4-types-of-regret-and-how-to-leverage-them-for-a-more-fulfilling-life/

    Wright, Josh. “What is the Power of Regret? A Conversation with Daniel Pink.” Behavioral Scientist. 12/13/2022. Retrieved on 8/24/2025 from https://behavioralscientist.org/what-is-the-power-of-regret-a-conversation-with-daniel-pink/

  • There is Power in Walking Away

    8/17/2025

    What is the meaning of quitting? The dictionary defines quitting to stop doing something; to give up or resign one’s job or position.

    “Persistence is not always the best decision, certainly not absent context. And context changes,” wrote Annie Duke, author of Quit: The Power of Knowing When to Walk Away.

    I found this proverb:   “No matter how far you have gone down the wrong path, turn back.”

    That proverb makes a lot of sense, doesn’t it? It is ultimately our decision making now that affects our tomorrows. Why persist if you know that you are going in the wrong direction? Quit, stop, turn back. You have the power to walk away.

    According to Mckenna Princing, people love to tout phrases meant to be encouraging, like “You only fail if you quit, blah blah blah, but the truth is that sometimes quitting is the healthiest option in a not-great situation — or because a better opportunity has come your way.”

    As I noted in my blog last week on quitting, our society prides itself on persistence, perseverance, and grit. What if the situation, project, job, or business is not the best? If persisting could be worse, not better.

    A few months ago, I tried again to find a new way to use my creativity and create a personal ministry. I brainstormed ideas and came up with, “bloom with kindness.” I would make faux floral arrangements to deliver and give to senior centers, assisted living, and nursing homes. At first, I had lots of enthusiasm and energy. I delivered a dozen or more arrangements to about six local senior facilities in early July. Now, the supplies sit on my shelf and table gathering dust. I feel emotionally drained that I do not have the energy to create. I am mentally and emotionally stuck. No doubt about it. Quitting has entered my mind on more than one occasion.

    Throughout my life, I have identified myself as an artist, whether it is drawing, painting, or most recently, floral arranging. When I am not being creative in some way, I feel that I am lost. I had not realized how much of my identity is tied to being creative in some way or another.   Wait, you might say, isn’t writing this blog creative?  Yes, you are right. However, I use my creativity and brain in a different way than drawing, or painting, or even floral arranging. Perhaps, I have defined creativity in a limited manner.

    “Quitters never quit, and quitters never win.” Many in our society have internalized this message, wrote Duke. It is deeply rooted in our culture. So much so that we often stick to the wrong course of action for too long.

    There are positive reasons for quitting, wrote Princing, added that your interests shifted, you got a better offer, you’re moving or are switching careers or simply want a change of pace. However, feeling of wanting to quit can be an indicator as well.

    Signs that you are distressed or under duress:

    • You regularly feel burnt out. 
    • You’re constantly thinking about it when you’re supposed to be doing other things or resting. 
    • You often avoid it or have a lot of fear around it. 
    • You have a narcissistic or unsupportive leader.  
    • Your health and mental health is suffering.
    • You are being bullied or otherwise disrespected.
    • You are being harassed or discriminated against. 

    Knowing when to quit is an important skill to develop, notes Duke. Duke is a former professional poker player. She won over four million dollars in a professional poker tournament before walking away in 2012. Since that time, she has co-founded the Alliance for Decision Education, which is a nonprofit organization that teaches decision-making skills to students and empowers them.

    According to Duke, it can be exceedingly difficult to walk away and quit. Duke notes a term called “loss aversion.”  It means people tend to look at the money and time that they have invested so far, fear they will lose it if they walk away.

    When choosing among new options, loss aversion causes us to favor the ones that have the lowest absolute loss associated with them, even if those options come at a lower expected value wrote Duke.

    Have you heard of Richard Thaler? In 1980, Thaler was the first to point out to the “sunk cost effect” as a phenomenon, which is a cognitive error that people take into account money, time, effort or other resources they have previously sunk into an endeavor when making decisions about whether to continue and spend more.

    There have been forty years of experiments and field work across many domains that show people behave as Thaler had theorized on “sunk costs”. People do take account of whether to move forward, noted Duke, they do consider what they’ve already spent. They  do this because they “irrationally think” that the only way to recover or justify the costs is if they continue. This thinking and decision-making costs people to stick with something that they should quit.

    Duke states that when “stakes are high” it is hard to walk away from a business, project, investment, or even a relationship. According to Duke, when we are in the losses, we are not only more likely to stick to a losing course of action but also double down. This tendency is called escalation of commitment.

    Escalation of commitment is not just limited to individuals. It is robust and universal in organizations and government entities as continued Duke.

    According to Duke, a rational decision maker would consider only the future costs and benefits in deciding whether to continue with a particular course of action. In other words, if there would be a positive future outcome, the “rational” person would persist and persevere. But if a negative outcome affects value, they will quit.

    Dr. Julia Keller notes that in the wild, perseverance has no special status. “Animals do what they do, because it furthers their agenda: to last long enough to reproduce, ensuring continuation of their genetic material,” adding that the best way to survive as a species is to give up on whatever’s not contributing to survival, to waste as few resources as possible on the ineffective.

    If quitting is the best option to move forward, asks Keller, why don’t we always do it?

    “Quitting is a skill, a survival technique,” wrote Keller. “It’s not, as we humans sometimes treat it, a moral failing. And resisting the impulse to quit isn’t necessarily bravery or noble. It’s nonsensical.” 

    You may be at a point where you must do a soul search to determine the best course of action. If you decide to quit, make the experience meaningful. Although things may not turn out as you had planned, look at what valuable learning opportunities you had, use that to improve your next experience, business, project or job.

    If what you do or have done is part of your personal identity, it will be difficult to quit and walk away. Ask yourself, does what you are doing still serve you or its original purpose? Is it helping you meet goals or holding you back from other opportunities? Perhaps it is time to accept your power to walk away.

    Quitting is not a personal failure or a moral failing, despite what may be held by society or culture. I think it takes guts to walk away. It takes gumption to move past what you have known, it may have worked for you at one point, but now it no longer does. Be brave.

    “There’s a point at which perseverance becomes denial,” said Benjamin Wood.

    Resources:

    Image retrieved on 8/16/2025 from https://www.freepik.com/free-vector/flat-illustration-person-being-overwhelmed_24014057.htm#fromView

    Duke, Annie. Quit: The Power of Knowing When to Walk Away. Portfolio/Penguin. ©2022

    Keller, PhD, Julia. Quitting: A Life Strategy. Balance Books. ©2023.

    Princing, McKenna. “Quitting Isn’t Always Bad. Here’s the Best Way to Do It:.” 12/18/2023. Retrieved on  8/6/2023 from https://rightasrain.uwmedicine.org/life/work/how-to-quit-gracefully

  • Unbecoming Everything That You Are Not (Finding Your Purpose, Part 3)

    August 3, 2025

    Have you taken on tasks, style, characteristics, perspectives, or personal narratives, to fit in with others’ ideas about you and society, but it really isn’t you?

    In the last two blog posts, I shared information about ways and options to find your purpose in life. But what if what we have become is not truly us? What if we have become were to fit in with a group of people? Who we are now is blocking us from finding our true purpose?

    “Maybe the journey isn’t about becoming anything,” wrote Paulo Coelho, Brazilian novelist and lyricist. “Maybe it’s about unbecoming everything that isn’t really you, so you can be who you were meant to be in the first place.”

    I have struggled at times to become someone else, in order to fit in. I felt like an outsider at times in school. I felt a little bit like that in college until I joined a sorority where I could be me and warmly accepted. I then felt I belonged. I even have felt that way as an adult, wanting to make friends. I realized, I was showing less of who I really was to fit in. It was uncomfortable and at times agonizing.

    A big part of finding our purpose is to understand who we really are and align it with our values. I realized along this bumpy road, that being authentic was more important than my desire to fit in. Even at the age of 58, I am still unbecoming everything that I am not.

    Today, I came across a YouTube video short by young person named Shawn Khoe. He shared that too many teenagers and college students feel pressure to be someone that they are not. They may start dressing a certain way or acting in a different way to fit in.  He was concerned that these individuals did not have self esteem, worth, or love for themselves.

    “You shouldn’t force yourself to become someone you’re not just to fit in with others,” stated Shawn Khoe.

    I do not think the idea of fitting in or pressure to fit in subsides as an adult.  It is just a bigger and different playing field. Think of your idea of success compared to society’s or a peer group’s view of success: where you need to be on the career ladder, perhaps the material items you own, etc. After that, you maybe chasing something that does not make you fulfilled. Perhaps that is why you are seeking your purpose in life.

    “Life is not about you, life is about the life you touch,” wrote Neale Donald Walsch.

    I have learned a few things about cutting things out. As a photographer, I have spent time cropping out things in a photo to focus on the subject. I have also learned a few things in gardening.  Pruning is key to keep the plant or flower alive, well, and blooming. I have been focusing on subtracting things in my life. As a speaker, I use pauses to create anticipation.  As a writer, words that are not in the final piece are just as important as the words that remain. It is called editing.

    Author Jim Collins once said, “A great piece of art is composed not just of what is in the final piece, but equally important, what is not. It is the discipline to discard what does not fit — to cut out what might have already cost days or even years of effort — that distinguishes the truly exceptional artist and marks the ideal piece of work, be it a symphony, a novel, a painting, a company or, most important of all, a life.”

    From the teaching of Lao Tzu, “to attain knowledge, add things every day. To attain wisdom, subtract things everyday.“  It is not doing things is just as important as doing things.  I think this applies to our personal selves. Shed is what is not important on your journey i.e. habits, narratives, perspectives of who you are. Be more proactive in choosing what you take with you and what you do not take with you.

    Matthew E. May, author of The Laws of Subtraction: 6 Simple Rules for Winning in the Age of Excess Everything, suggests that you create a “not to do list” to accompany your “to do list.” Give careful thought to prioritizing your goals, projects, and tasks, then eliminate the bottom twenty percent of your list-forever. Secondly, ask family, friends, and associates who matter to you most-what would they like you to stop doing. You maybe surprised just how long that list is.

    In the pursuit of less is powerful, when you remove just the right things in just the right way, something good happens, wrote May.

    I think as I grow older, I have learned the importance of decluttering, editing, cropping, and curating what I have, what I want to be, and to become a more authentic me. This will indeed help me as I seek my purpose and strive to fulfill it.

    Resources:

    Image retrieved on 8/1/2025 from https://www.freepik.com/free-vector/hand-drawn-world-mental-health-day-with-woman_9666661.htm

    Ako, Cindy. “The Art of Unbecoming Anything That You Are Not You.” Video. 3/5/2021. Retrieved on 8/1/2025 from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rakh8iK5kUw

    Khoe, Shawn. “You Shouldn’t Force Yourself to Become Someone You’re Not Just to Fit In with Others.” Video. 3/2/2025. Retrieved on 8/1/2025 from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fl6IVZhvqVs

    May, Mathew E. “The Art of Adding by Taking Away.” New York Times. 1/19/2013. Retrieved on 8/1/2025 from https://www.nytimes.com/2013/01/20/jobs/matthew-may-on-the-art-of-adding-by-taking-away.html

  • Finding a Purpose in Your Life

    Monday, July 21, 2025

    Do you struggle to find or discover your purpose in life? I have as well. Does anyone have just one purpose in life? Or does it change and evolve over time? I know many people who do have purpose: One has passion for creating personal care boxes for those with substance abuse and addiction while moving into homes. I know another who has worked tirelessly to find options for the homeless. I have met people through volunteer work tutoring adults with literacy challenges. I admire these individuals, yet I hate to admit it, I envy them as well.

    At present, I am struggling. When I was younger, I focused on creating art and writing outside of my paid job. Later as a young parent, I saw my purpose to be a nurturing parent of my two sons. As they grew older and required less immediate attention, I sought purpose as an outreach volunteer and coordinator at church.

    Jeremy Adam Smith, editor of Greater Good magazine, wrote that for decades, psychologists have studied how long-term, meaningful goals develop over the span of our lives.

    “The goals that foster a sense of purpose are ones that can potentially change the lives of other people,” said Smith, “like launching an organization, researching disease, or teaching kids to read.”

    A sense of purpose has evolved in humans, so that we can accomplish important things together.  Those things are associated with better physical and mental health, wrote Smith. Purpose is adaptive as it is evolutionary. It helps both individuals and the species to survive.

    In 2016, I founded an arts ministry at my church that lasted six years. Artful Spirit Connection arts ministry was my purpose. I poured my energy and focused on it wholeheartedly. Once that arts ministry ended a few years ago, I floundered, and I lost my anchor. I have felt that my soul and spirit break apart in little pieces. I know logically that not all things last a lifetime. Yet it was hard to say goodbye.

    As Smith points out, finding purpose or discovering our purpose from our unique gifts is only part of the truth. Our purpose also grows from our connection to others, which is why a crisis of purpose is often a symptom of isolation.

    I find this part intriguing. After Artful Spirit Connection ended, I pulled away from my church family. In my mind, I thought it was best as I was burnt out. I was also grieving, as my biggest cheerleader and supporter, our priest, became ill with cancer. Eventually, he sadly passed away. In my grief, I pulled away. Instead of feeling relief, I felt alone. My anxiety increased, as well as my depression. I isolated myself from doing so, it exacerbated my feelings of being lost. In the last year, I have done some soul searching, though purpose would be fulfilled in trying to create a business of selling my art. It did not, it failed. As much as I wanted a key focus, I was not driven emotionally. I am still seeking it. It is one of the reasons that I started this blog.

    Discovering your life purpose, according to Jeremy Sutton, Ph.D., involves exploring passions, values, and strengths to create a fulfilling and meaningful existence.

    Over time, psychologists have increasingly begun to realize the importance of meaning to our wellbeing and happiness, wrote Sutton, adding, recent research suggests that people with increased meaning are better off. They are happier and exhibit increased life satisfaction, and lowered depression.

    “Meaning in life may be defined as the extent to which a person experiences his or her life as having purpose, significance, and coherence,” wrote Sutton.

    Smith suggested that there are a few ways to help with the feeling of crisis for the purpose of life:

    • Read-find books that matter to you and inspire you.
    • Turning hurts into healing for others. Finding purpose is not just an intellectual pursuit. It is something we need to feel. Sometimes another person’s pain can lead us to our purpose.
    • Cultivate awe, gratitude, and altruism. An experience of awe helps feel connected to something larger than us. Awe alone is not enough, you need to feel driven to make a positive impact; this is where gratitude and generosity come into play, wrote Smith.
    • Listen to what other people appreciate about you. Giving thanks can help you find purpose in what people thank you for. Appreciation for what you do for others can fuel a sense of purpose.
    • Find and build community. We can find a sense of purpose in people around us. Interestingly, the nobility of our purpose reflects the company we keep, noted Smith.
    • Tell your story. As I noted earlier, reading can help you find your purpose but also writing.

    Psychologist Kendall Bronk, leading expert on purpose, wrote that research by William Damon, Robert Emmons, and others have found that children and adults who are able to count their blessings are much more likely to try to contribute to the world beyond themselves.

    According to Smith, Purpose often arises from curiosity about your own life. Creating a narrative can help us see our own strengths and apply those strengths to be effective in the world, which over time increases our sense of self-efficacy.

    Adopting a growth mindset can help lead to increased purpose in life. Look at your strengths, explore your weaknesses, accept mistakes are part of learning, and find ways to motivate yourself noted Sutton.

    Dr. Jordan Grumet wrote that, “By identifying our purpose anchors (activities that energize and inspire us), we gain insight into what purpose can look like in our lives. Sometimes this means reflecting on regrets, recalling childhood joys, or simply experimenting through trial and error—”

    Bronk noted that through working with adolescents, some teens found purpose through hardship. However, most people find purpose in a more meandering way through a combination of education, experience, and self-reflection.

    Bronk said finding purpose can get jump started.

    • Identify the things that you care about. What are you good at? What have you done that gave you a skill that can be used? What do you care about in your community?
    • Reflect on what matters most. Sometimes it is hard to single out one or two things. Value will be increased if you can narrow down your purpose in life to something manageable.
    • Recognize your strengths and talents. What is unique about your skills or strengths? What are you particularly good at? What do you enjoy?
    • Try volunteering. Try new things, see what activities enable you to use your skills.
    • Imagine your best self. What are you doing? What is important to you? What do you really care about and why? The “why” part is key.
    • Cultivate the positive like gratitude and awe.
    • Look at the people that you admire.

    Grumet notes that purpose is not passive. It demands courage to take what you care about and turn it into something active, something meaningful. He suggested that we follow activities that light us up. Connect with people with shared interests. In time, you may be able to connect, collaborate, and grow together. That is how purpose builds community.

    I will dive a little deeper into Finding Your Purpose in my next blog as well.

    “There is no greater gift you can give or receive than to honor your calling. It is why you were born. And how you become most truly alive.”–Oprah Winfrey

    Resources:

    Image retrieved on 7/20/2025 from <a href=”https://www.freepik.com/free-vector/business-flat-design-style-illustration_16359264.htm”>Image by rawpixel.com on Freepik</a>

    Grumet, Jordan, MD. “Purpose Isn’t a Destination, It’s A Climb.” Psychology Today. 6/30/2025. Retrieved on 7/17/2025 from https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/the-regret-free-life/202506/purpose-isnt-a-destination-its-a-climb/amp

    Smith, Jeremy Adam. “How to Find Purpose in Life.” Greater Good. 1/10/2018. Retrieved on 7/17/2025 from https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/how_to_find_your_purpose_in_life

    Suttie, Jill. “Seven Ways to Find Your Purpose in Life. Having a meaningful, long-term goal is good for your well-being.” Greater good. 8/6/2020. Retrieved on 7/17/2025 from https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/seven_ways_to_find_your_purpose_in_life

    Sutton, Ph.D. Jeremy. “15 Ways to Find Your Purpose of Life & Realize Your Meaning.” Positive Psychology. 10/15/2020. Retrieved on 7/17/2025 from https://positivepsychology.com/find-your-purpose-of-life/