Curious and Creative

Tag: psychology

  • Do You Feel Like a Fraud?

    July 12, 2025

    Do you feel like a fraud? Do you ask yourself, what I am doing here? Do you feel you don’t belong, although you have the education, experience, and credentials?

    The imposter syndrome is a form of self doubt and a false belief that you are not capable and confident as others perceive you to be. Yet, these feelings of inadequacy are unfounded. The term imposter syndrome or complex was first coined by Pauline Clance, PhD and Suzanne Imes.

    Mental health counselor Emma Giordana stated that people with imposter syndrome have difficulty internalizing their success and instead attribute their success to external factors like luck.

    Imposter syndrome is not officially recognized in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, 5th edition, but many people identify with it, particularly those who live with depression and anxiety.

    Giordana stated that those who experience with the feeling of fraudulence tend to devalue their efforts, skills, and accomplishments.

    Those who experience imposter syndrome tend to be high achievers with diverse educational backgrounds and a fair amount of professional experience, yet they often feel being inadequate and have self doubt.

    Everyone can experience a lack of confidence from time to time. So how is imposter syndrome different?

    Those who live with imposter syndrome may have:

    *A dependence on external validation

    *A fear of not living up to expectations of self and of others.

    *Overworked and strive for over achievement

    *Self-sabotage before attempting new things.

    These characteristics will vary depending on the individual’s experience, circumstance, background, and personality traits. A person with imposter syndrome may experience depression, high levels of distress, guilt, shame, and perhaps other maladaptive behaviors.

    Research has shown that imposter syndrome may be linked to certain mental health disorders such as social anxiety disorder, or attention hyper activity disorder. Additionally, some professional environments or workaplaces may foster those feelings of imposter syndrome. Some work environments may be unsupportive, unhealthy, overly critical, exploitive, and leads to low morale.

    Early research explored how imposter syndrome occurred among accomplished and successful women. A 2019 research study found that women are more likely to experience imposter syndrome than men. However, later research has since found imposter syndrome can affect anyone.

    According to the article “You’re Not a Fraud,” imposter feelings represent a conflict between self-perception and how others perceive you. You may fear or believe you don’t deserve to be in your position. You may even feel that doubt even when others praise your talents.

    Individuals experiencing imposter syndrome may try to put in more work to make up for that feeling. They also continue to be in distress. Even further, accomplishments gives no reassurance. Individuals may exhibit self-consciousness, low self-esteem, anxiety  or depression.

    Interestingly, those with imposter syndrome with accomplishments link to chance yet take the blame for any mistakes that they make even minor errors as signs of lack of intelligence and ability. Over time, it becomes a vicious cycle of anxiety, depression, and guilt.

    Top Imposter Syndrome researcher Dr. Valerie Young, author of The Secret Thoughts of Successful Women: Why Capable People Suffer from the Impostor Syndrome and How to Thrive in Spite of It outlines the five types of imposter syndrome in her book.

    • Perfectionist- person that focuses on how things are done, demand perfection in every facet of life.
    • Natural genius-person that spent life picking up new skills with little effort. There is a belief that one could understand new material right away. Yet if something doesn’t come easily or fail on first attempt, the individual may feel shame or embarrassment.
    • Rugged individual/soloist- person who believes that they can handle everything by themselves. If they cannot achieve success independently then they consider themselves unworthy. Asking for help means failure. The individual who is a soloist has high standards and if not achieved by self, they are admitting inadequacies, and showing failure.
    • The expert-  person who learned everything they can on a topic. They spend so much time seeking information that you have to devote lost time to your main task. The individual also believes that they should have all answers or seen as a fraud or failure when they can’t answer the question.
    • Superhero-Person that links personal competence to succeed in every role that they take on. If they fail to navigate the demands of those roles means that they are inadequate. They push themselves to the limit expending as much energy as possible to every role. They may think that they need to do more.

    There is no single source that causes imposter syndrome. It could include the way that you grew up, parental or guardian expectations to do well in school, comparison to siblings, being controlling or overprotective. It may be the parent or guardian emphasized natural intelligence and sharply criticized mistakes that were made.

    The feeling of feeling less than can worsen over time and it can reinforce the feeling of not belonging in the current environment, place, or situation. However, imposter syndrome can be overcome state various mental health professionals.

    • Acknowledge the feelings that you do have.
    • Talk with a trusted friend or mentor about your distress
    • Define and share your feelings about imposter syndrome as it can help you overcome them.
    • Support yourself and others, open up about your feelings.
    • Build connections. Connect with friends, co-workers, and peers. Build a support network.
    • Remember you cannot achieve everything by yourself. Validate your strengths.
    • Encourage your own efforts.
    • Challenge your doubts. Are there facts to support those feelings? Instead look for evidence to counter the negative beliefs of that you are a fraud or you aren’t enough.
    • Don’t compare yourself to others.
    • Push forward. Take risks. Begin believing in yourself in spite of self- doubt.

    According to Psychotherapist and TED speaker Lori Gottlieb, stories help you make sense of life but when those narratives are incomplete or misleading, they can keep you stuck instead of providing clarity.

    Hannah Owens, LMSW, commented that imposter syndrome affects internal feelings about work or self-worth, but also how you approach projects, relationships, and any other area where you feel unsure.

    As I noted earlier, imposter syndrome can affect anyone, no matter social status, work background, skill level or expertise level.

    “Impostor syndrome is a paradox: Others believe in you – you don’t believe in yourself. Yet you believe in yourself instead of them. If you doubt yourself, shouldn’t you also doubt your judgment of yourself?” —Adam Grant, author

    Resources:

    Image from Freepik.com Retrieved on 7/9/2025 from <a href=”https://www.freepik.com/free-photo/side-view-mannequin-receiving-fake-news-inside-head_12225944.htm”>Image by freepik</a>

    Adam, Maya, MD. Stanford Medicine. “Imposter Syndrome: You’re Not Alone.” Video. Retrieved on 5/7/2025 from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7D-0nuFFEh4

    Cleveland Clinic.”Imposter Syndrome May Be Holding You Back.” Retrieved 1/9/2025 from https://health.clevelandclinic.org/a-psychologist-explains-how-to-deal-with-imposter-syndrome

    Cox, Elizabeth. “What is imposter syndrome and how you can combat it?” video. 8/28/2022. Retrieved on 6/30/2025 from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZQUxL4Jm1Lo

    Cuncic, Arlin, MA. “Is Imposter Syndrome Holding You Back from Living Your Best Life?” 9/23/2024. Retrieved on 5/7/2025 from https://www.verywellmind.com/imposter-syndrome-and-social-anxiety-disorder-4156469

    Gottlieb, Lori. “How Changing Your Story Can Change Your Life.” Video 11/22/2019. Retrieved on 6/30/2025 from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O_MQr4lHm0c

    Kolade, Sodiq. “What is Imposter Syndrome? Uncovering the Truth Behind Self-Doubt and Feeling Like a Fraud.” Brainmanager.io 10/18/2024.. Retrieved on 6/30/2025  from https://brainmanager.io/blog/emotional/what-is-imposter-syndrome

    Raypole, Crystal. “You’re Not a Fraud: How to Recognize and Overcome imposter Syndrome.” Healthline. 11/14/2024. Retrieved on 6/30/2025 from https://www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/imposter-syndrome

    Rice, Andrea. ”Imposter Syndrome: Causes, Types, and What to Do About it.” Psych Central. 1/27/2022.   Retrieved on 6/30/2025 from https://psychcentral.com/lib/impostor-syndrome

  • Perfectionism is a trap, Do not get caught

    June 21, 2025

    Perfectionism is a personality trait characterized by a relentless pursuit of flawlessness and high standards. It can manifest as self-motivation and drive to achieve success, but it often leads to anxiety and low self-worth when those standards are not met according to Psychology Today.

    Perfectionism is driven primarily by internal pressure to avoid failure or harsh judgment.

    I had given much thought to perfectionism as a fear of failure. I have a better understanding now that I have done a research into it for this blog.

    I was skimming through my book title on my shelf and came across a Brene Brown’s book that I had not yet read, I Thought It Was Me But It Isn’t. It was published in 2007. What caught my attention was the blurb on the back promoting the book. It read as follows:

    “We spend too much precious time and energy managing perceptions and creating carefully edited versions of ourselves to show to the world. There is a constant barrage of social expectations that teach us that being imperfect is synonymous with being inadequate…So we learn to hide our struggles and protect ourselves from shame, judgment, criticism, and blame by seeking safety in pretending and perfection,” wrote author Harriet Lerner, Ph.D., The Dance of Anger.

    Lerner notes Brene Brown’s book is long overdue. It highlights an important truth: our imperfections are what connect us to one another and to our humanity, adding, our vulnerabilities are not weaknesses.  They are powerful reminders to keep our hearts and minds open to the reality that we’re all in this together.

    Psychology Today states on that what makes extreme perfectionism so toxic is that while those in its grip desire success, they are most focused on avoiding failure, resulting in a negative orientation. They don’t believe in unconditional love, expecting others’ affection and approval to be dependent on a flawless performance.

    See how dangerous that can be to our self-esteem, worth, and confidence?

    What are the signs that someone is a perfectionists? According to Psychology Today and VerywellHealth.com, here are some traits:

    • They set unrealistically high expectation for themselves and others.
    • They are quick to find fault and overly critical of mistakes. They can beat themselves up for small mistakes and/or expect too much of other people.
    • They have a fear of failure.
    • They think constantly about their past failures or future goals. They often seek reassurance from others to assume themselves of their worth and aptitude.
    • Yet, some perfectionists are so afraid of receiving negative feedback that they avoid it at all costs. They can get defensive when receiving constructive criticism.
    • They shrug off compliments and forget to celebrate their success.
    • They focus only on results. They are so concerned about hitting that goal and avoiding failure. This prevents them from enjoying the process of growing and striving.
    • They look to specific people in their life for approval and validation.

    What I did not know is there are three kinds of perfectionism or domains:

    • Self-oriented: imposing an unrealistic desire to be perfect on oneself.
    • Other-oriented: imposing unrealistic standards of perfection on others.
    • Socially-prescribed: perceiving unrealistic expectations of perfection from others.

    Perfectionism is a personality trait that can be harmful if taken too far. Although it is not a mental illness itself, it is a common factor in many mental disorders such as anxiety and depression, OCD obsessive compulsive disorder, and Eating disorders.

    Interestingly, meta data studies and analysis, is showing that perfectionism has become more common over the past several decades. In a 2019 study among college students in the USA, Canada, and the United Kingdom, revealed rates of perfectionism increased significantly between 1989 and 2016.

    Dr. Elizabeth Scott, Ph.D wrote that perfection is a double-edged sword. It is the driving force behind a high achiever or it can be a liability.

    Perfectionists, like high achievers, set and work hard to achieve lofty goals. Whereas, a high achiever can be satisfied knowing they did their best and achieved a goal, a perfectionism will accept nothing less than perfection. “Almost perfect is seen as a failure,” wrote Scott.

    I found this contrast interesting, high achievers are often pulled towards their goals by a desire to achieve them. They are happy with any steps in the right direction. However, according to Scott, perfectionists tend to be pushed by a fear of anything less than a perfectly met goal.

    If perfectionism is left unchecked, according to professionals, it can affect daily life and functioning:

    • Time management
    • Relationships
    • Stress levels
    • Physical and mental health.

    In Brown’s book, I Thought It Was Just Me, she shared a story about when she was a new mom trying to work from home. She laid down her two month old daughter down for a nap before a phone interview while at home. Five minutes into the interview, the baby starts crying.  Brown is trying to mute so the interviewers do not hear the baby crying. Brown had an image of balancing being a new mom and working from home, based on a commercial. Realities of motherhood hit hard. Stress of the situation was too much. Brown took herself out of the running for the community research project. It triggered shame, as she did not want to be seen as incapable of balancing motherhood and work. She did not want to be seen as “needing help.”

    My experience with perfectionism has not been a very positive experience. When my younger son with autism was little, many environments triggered sensory overload. I felt bad for his older brother when we had to leave the book store, library, or playground because his younger brother started to act out or get upset. I felt that stare, heard the comments from other moms on the playground, in a playgroup, at the library story time, or in school at the parent teacher organization (PTO) meeting. I sensed criticism from other moms regarding my parenting ability. It made it very difficult to make friends with other moms.  

    Over the years, I have also experienced perfectionism from bosses and co-volunteers. It makes it challenging and demoralizing when you are working hard and at your best, but good is not enough.  It is particularly challenging if the volunteer leader in charge is a perfectionist. Several years back, I was ready to quit an organization that I was part of because of a volunteer leader’s style, manner, lack of flexibility, and approach. I communicated with that person, and we worked out some of the kinks. It was not the best situation, but it was good enough.

    Just remember that the quest for perfection is exhausting and relenting wrote Lerner.

    “Excellence is a value. Perfectionism is an insecurity.”— author unknown.

    Resources:

    Image retrieved on 6/21/2025 from <a href=”https://www.freepik.com/free-vector/freedom-concept-illustration_44955439.htm”>Image by storyset on Freepik</a>

    Brown, Ph.D. LMSW,  Brene. I Thought It Was Just Me (But It Isn’t): Making the Journey from “What Will People Think?” to ‘I am Enough. Avery, an imprint of Penguin Random House, NY. ©2007

    Dorwart, Laura. “Understanding Perfectionism.” Updated on 6/10/2025. Retrieved on 6/21/2025 from https://www.verywellhealth.com/perfectionism-5323816.

    Psychology Today. “Perfectionsim.”  Retrieved on 6/18/2025 from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/perfectionism?msockid=24f8ebd9437164501298fedc42c365fc

    Scott, Ph.D. Elizabeth. “Perfectionism: 10 Signs of Perfectionist Traits. When Good Enough Isn’t Good Enough.” 6/172024. Retrieved on 6/21/2025 from https://www.verywellmind.com/signs-you-may-be-a-perfectionist-3145233

  • Embrace You as a Work in Progress

    June 14, 2025

    Do you accept yourself? It is not an easy thing to do. For some of us, it is damn difficult.

    What is self-acceptance? Self-acceptance is the act of acknowledging and embracing both your strengths and weaknesses without judgment, leading to a more positive and fulfilling self-image. It involves recognizing your imperfections and making peace with them, as well as celebrating your unique qualities and accomplishments. 

    Building self-acceptance is a skill, stated Stephanie Lemek. Added, if you cannot practice self-acceptance, you are limiting your ability to be self-aware and grow into the best version of yourself.

    I have learned quite a bit about myself since starting this blog. Through my research , I have gained an education. I am now practicing ways to increase my self-esteem, increase my self-awareness, and build my self-worth. Thanks to taking on this blog nearly six months ago, I have become more confident and revived a love of writing, something that I had ignored. I had to remind myself that writing is one of my strengths.

    However, I admit that full self-acceptance has been a bit more elusive. As I worked to improve in several areas, good nutrition and exercise have not been a priority of mine, and I feel it in my body. I have been in better shape in the past. I have taken better care of my body. My body has changed due to the physical changes brought on by perimenopause and now menopause. My mind and perspective have changed, yet accepting all of me, my body as it is now, is a very big hurdle.

    “Embracing your life means being true to yourself, not living by someone else’s rules or expectations,” wrote author and journalist John-Manuel Andriote. He added, embracing your life means being willing to stand out, to take risks, and to receive disapproval or rejection of your choices.

    The author and podcaster Jay Shetty once said, “The reason we struggle to accept ourselves is because we think that means I must think ‘it’s my fault.’ When it becomes my fault now, I become depressed by that idea. It’s disempowering. It brings me down. Whereas, when you say, ‘Well it’s not my fault, but it is my responsibility.’ That’s empowering. It gives you a sense of choice, and direction, and design.”

    Last week, I wrote about self-talk and the importance of what language that we use to describe ourselves. I admit, I have asked myself, “why did you let yourself go like this?”  My answers would be harsh and mean. I am accepting me as I am now. Instead, I ask in what way am I strong and attractive. Focusing on the positive does not mean ignoring the not so pleasant physical features, yet it is empowering to move forward toward better care of my body. Body shaming is not the answer, as it is disempowering and discouraging.  It’s best to handle one step at a time.

    Stephanie Lemek stated, “this doesn’t mean you won’t change; we all change, of course, and our self-acceptance will flex with those changes. It may be helpful to think of self-acceptance as acceptance of yourself now, as you are an acceptance of who you can become.”

    Author and podcaster Jordan Lee Dooley wrote in her book Own Your Everyday, it is important to focus on who you are and not what you do. She believes that we need to know who we are before we can figure out what as individuals we are meant to do.

    Here are a few ways to start:

    Know yourself.

    • Understand your values, beliefs and personality.
    • Identify what you like and love about yourself.
    • Stop the comparison game. No good really comes from comparing yourself to others, particularly what you see on social media.

    Be True to yourself. Live True to Yourself.

    • How do you want to live your life?
    • Don’t conform or try to fit a mold that does not suit you.
    • Express yourself freely. Speak your mind, act authentically, let yourself shine.
    • Embrace your differences. What is unique about you?

    Love and accept yourself.

    • Take charge of your life. Make choices that align with your values.
    • Show up for yourself. Keep promises to yourself. Be responsible for your own happiness and well-being.
    • Embrace your journey. There will be smooth waters, rough currents, storms, and sunshine.

    According to Bessel van der Kolk, MD., author of The Body Keeps the Score., “Neuroscience research shows that the only way we can change the way we feel is by becoming aware of our inner experience and learning to befriend what is going inside ourselves.”

    Self-awareness is a tool for personal growth and development, wrote van der Kolk.

    “There is freedom in being yourself,” noted Blogger Nike Trimble.

    I used to think that accepting who “I am” meant settling or being stuck in the present. I perceived that meant leaving no room to grow or improve. “I am what I am; I am not changing.”  I was wrong. I have experienced the opposite. Accepting who I am now, I am aware of my strengths, weaknesses, passions, areas for improvement, and areas to experiment. It is a starting point, not an ending one. I am a work in progress.

    Lemek pointed out in her article that there is a misconception of self-acceptance, that once you accept yourself, you don’t have anything to work on or grow. She wrote that it is not true. Self-acceptance is not about achieving perfection. Rather, self-acceptance gives us the power to better understand where we are and work to improve without judgment for not being perfect.

    Brene Brown said, “how much we know ourselves is extremely important but how we treat ourselves is the most important.”

    Resources:

    Image retrieved on 6/14/2025 from https://www.freepik.com/free-vector/young-woman-standing-front-mirror-motivate-confident-you-can-it-vector-illustration_10108732.htm#fromView=search&page=1&position=8&uuid=0fa582d6-61bf-44b0-aa87-4a244840ba0b&query=self+acceptance

    Andriote, John-Manuel. “What It Means to Embrace Life and the Path You Choose.” 1/22/2022. Retrieved on 6/11/2025 from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/stonewall-strong/202201/what-it-means-to-embrace-your-life-and-the-path-you-chose

    Bernock, Danielle. “Why It’s Hard to Embrace Who You Are and What to Do.” Retrieved on 6/11/2025 from https://www.daniellebernock.com/why-its-hard-to-embrace-who-you-are-and-what-to-do/

    Brach, Tara. Radical Self-Acceptance.

    Dooley, Jordan Lee. Own Your Every Day: Overcome the Pressure to Prove and Show Up for What You Were Made to Do. Waterbook, an imprint of Crown Publishing. New York, New York. ©2019.

    Lemek Stephanie. “Self-Acceptance-the Missing Key to Your Personal Health, Growth & Development.” Retrieved on 6/7/2025 from https://medium.com/hlwf-healthcare-healthtech-lifesciences-wellness/self-acceptance-the-missing-key-to-your-personal-growth-development-bbbb19122c5b

    Shetty, Jay. “Self-Acceptance” video short. 8/4/2022. Retrieved on 6/7/2025 from

    Trimble, Nika. “Embracing Who You Are.” 7/30/2021. Medium. Retrieved on 6/11/2025 from https://medium.com/know-thyself-heal-thyself/embracing-who-you-are-d70d3146e567.

    Van de Kolk, MD, Bessel. The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma. Penguin Books. ©2015

  • Self-Talk Matters

    June 7, 2025

    Psychology Today defines self-talk as the internal dialogues or conversations that individuals have with themselves in their minds. It can be conscious thoughts or unconscious beliefs and biases, providing a way for the brain to interpret and process daily experiences. 

    Think about what you have said to yourself today. Was it kind and helpful? Was it critical? How did you feel afterwards? Would you say to another person what you say to yourself?

    I would not dare say some of the things to a friend or family friend that I tell myself. It would be so hurtful, mean, and rude. Yet, I cannot seem to stop the negative and hurtful self-talk that towards myself. I have struggled for many years. I am actively working with my counselor to help me eliminate the negative self-talk. It is not easy and very challenging.

    Self-talk is your inner voice. We do self-talk naturally each day, according to Healthline.com. Fortunately, people are becoming more aware that positive self-talk is a powerful tool to increase your self-confidence, wrote York, adding, those who master positive self-talk are thought to be more confident, motivated, and productive.

    According to Healthdirect, an Australian health website, self-talk matters. It has a significant impact on how you feel, what you do, and even how you manage pain.

    This is how self-talk affects you:

    • Negative self-talk is when you are overly critical of yourself, focusing on the bad.
    • Your self-talk affects your mental health and how you face each day.
    • You can stop negative self-talk by being aware of it and by challenging and replacing those thoughts with positive ones.
    • Positive self-talk can improve your well-being and lower depression and anxiety.

    “Your thoughts are the source of your emotions and mood. The conversations you have with yourself can be destructive or beneficial. They influence how you feel about yourself and you respond to events in your life,” wrote Susan York.

    Here are some effects of self-talk:

    • Shapes self-perception and self-identity.
    • Influences our emotions and mood.
    • Affects our self-confidence and self-esteem.
    • Guides behavior and decision-making.
    • Alters perceptions of stress and adversity.
    • It influences motivation and goal attainment.

    It is more than content. Language that we use with ourselves that matters. Researchers have found it is not just what you say to yourself, it is also the language that you use to say it.

    According to a 2014 scientific report, researchers described how the language we use in self-talk matters. Do not refer to yourself in the first person like “I” or “me.”  Use third person pronouns in self-talk as it can help you step back and think more objectively about your response and emotions.

    For example, instead saying “I am anxious,” start telling yourself, “she is anxious.”  This shift can help you detach from emotion and think more objectively. Studies, like the one published in Scientific Reports have shown the benefits of using third person pronouns. Another suggestion is to use your name with the second person pronoun, “you can do this, Paula.”

    A retired endurance athlete and science writer, Christopher Bergland stated that during times of distress or when you’re reminiscing about painful experiences from your past, talking to yourself in the third person — by using non-first-person pronouns or your own name — can help you stay calm, cool, and collected.

    According to Positive Psychology.com, our patterns of self-talk are often negative. People focus on the pre-conceived ideas that they are not good enough or they are a failure, or they cannot do anything right. The human brain is hardwired to remember negative experiences over positive ones. So, individuals will recall the times that they did not get something quite right over the times that they did. Then those thoughts ruminate in the mind.

    On the other hand, positive self-talk uses encouraging and affirming language which can help build confidence and improve emotional well-being. Benefits of positive self-talk include:

    • Helps reduce stress.
    • Helps boost confidence and resilience.
    • Helps build better relationships.

    Ethan Kross is a psychologist at the University of Michigan. He studies how people use pronouns inside their minds in their self-talk. Those that use “I” in their mental dialogue, May say something like this: “oh my God, how can take on this speech with so little time to prepare.”

    Whereas, people who used their own names in their dialogue were more likely to give themselves support and advice. “Ethan, you got this, you have done speeches before.” Study participants sounded more rational, and less emotional. They were able to distance themselves from their emotions.

    Banishing your critic, noted by Jan Roberts, will not be easy. It makes more effort to do so for some. It is worthwhile, as it can better yourself and improve your sense of self-worth.

    Here are a few suggestions to make changes to your self-talk:

    • Identify self-talk traps. Some situations may cause us to resort to negative self-talk than others.
    • Utilize positive affirmations. Use little notes, post-its with positive expressions. This can impact your mindset.
    • Check in with your emotions regularly. Positive self-talk takes effort as we are so attuned to negative self-talk.
    • Create boundaries. Think about the people in your life. Some people may not bring out the best in us. Focus on surrounding yourself with people who talk positively about you and encourage you.

    I will end this blog with this quote:

    “Words matter. And the words that matter most are the ones you say to yourself.”― David Taylor-Klaus

    Resources:

    Image Retrieved on 5/30/2025 from <a href=”https://www.freepik.com/free-photo/arrangement-optimism-concept-elements_12558668.htm”>Image by freepik</a>

    Bergland, Christopher. ‘Self-Talk Using Third-Person Pronouns Hacks Your Vagus Nerve.” 5/23/2017. Retrieved on 5/30/2025 from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-athletes-way/201705/self-talk-using-third-person-pronouns-hacks-your-vagus-nerve.

    Bergland, Christopher. “Silent Third Person Self-Talk Facilitates Emotion Regulation.” 7/28/2017. Retrieved on 5/30/2025 from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-athletes-way/201707/silent-third-person-self-talk-facilitates-emotion-regulation

    Mead, BSc, Elaine. “What is Positive Self-Talk?” 9/26/2019. Retrieved on 5/30/2025 from https://positivepsychology.com/positive-self-talk/#:~:text=Positive%20Self%2DTalk%3A%20’I,to%20get%20the%20work%20done.

    Roberts, Jan. “What do you say when you talk to yourself?.” 5/5/2021. Retrieved on 5/30/2025 from https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/what-do-you-say-when-talk-yourself-jan-robberts/.

    “Self-Talk.” Retrieved on 4/23/2025 from https://psychology.tips/self-talk/

    “Self-Talk-what is it and why is it important.” Retrieved on 4/23/2025 from https://www.healthdirect.gov.au/self-talk

    Starecheski, Laura. Changing Lives for Women: “Why Saying is Believing-The Science of Self-Talk.” 10/7/2014. Morning Edition. NPR. Retrieved on 5/30/2025 from https://www.npr.org/sections/health-shots/2014/10/07/353292408/why-saying-is-believing-the-science-of-self-talk

    York, Susan. “What are the Benefits of Self-Talk?”  Healthline.com. 12/19/2016. Retrieved on 5/30/2025 from https://www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/self-talk

  • What is Self-worth?

    5/24/2025

    Self-worth often is confused with self-esteem. Though related, self-worth and self-esteem are distinct and different concepts. Self-worth is deeper and more stable. It is a sense of your inherent value as a person.

    As defined by the University of North Carolina-Wilmington’s health wellness website:

    Self-worth is the internal sense of being good enough and worthy of love and belonging from others.

    Self-worth is often confused with self-esteem that relies on external factors such as accomplishments, social status, and body image.

    How would you define your own self-worth? What words would you use to describe yourself? What value did you place on yourself or aspects of yourself?

    Humanistic psychologist Carl Rogers emphasized self-worth. He argued that true self value comes from unconditional acceptance of oneself.

    The Resilience Lab states self-worth is a concept that transcends self-confidence or self-esteem. It is the inherent value we place on ourselves, independent of external accolades. At its core, self-worth is an individual comprehensive assessment of a person’s own value. It is an internal compass. Self-love is a close ally of self-worth, and can significantly improve an individual’s self-worth.

    The concurring opinion is self-worth is not influenced by accomplishments, social recognition, or material possessions. It is rooted in self-acceptance and unconditional self-love.

    There are core aspects of self-worth:

    • Self-acceptance: accepting one’s own strengths and weaknesses without judgment. Appreciating unique traits and qualities. People with strong self-acceptance are less likely to be affected by criticism or failure.
    • Self-respect is a belief that one deserves love, kindness, and dignity. They treat themselves with compassion and fairness even when faced with challenges.
    • Resilience is the ability to maintain a positive self-view despite adversity. Resilient individuals with strong self-worth are better equipped to cope with life’s difficulties. They know that setbacks do not diminish their inherent value.

    Perhaps you have low self-worth. One resource pointed out that low self-worth is similar to shame, which is driven by deep beliefs and feelings of being unworthy, bad, or not good enough.

    Low self-worth can manifest in different ways for different people:

    • May avoid challenges in work or school
    • Get upset or distressed by any criticism or disapproval
    • Bend over backwards to please others
    • Be shy or self-conscious
    • Avoid or withdraw from intimacy, vulnerability or social contact
    • Less likely to stand up for self from being abused or neglected

    Dr. Gregory Jantz is an innovator in the treatment of mental health. Jantz pioneered the Whole Person Care over forty years ago. He is a best-selling author of over 45 books and a media authority. He once said that you can’t just tell someone they’re of worth and think they’ll believe you.

    Jantz said he struggled over the years as a psychologist to find ways to help someone feel their true value when they don’t feel it. Those who struggle with low self-worth may not feel their worth yet. However, through self-discovery, opening up to possibility, they can start asking themselves, “What if I really were of worth?” and “What if I could feel that I am valuable and loveable deep down?

    Self-worth emphasizes our intrinsic value. Building self-worth is important, as it requires you to recognize and accept your strengths and limitations. Focus on internal validation, rather than external approval. It is worth to note that low self-esteem can have a negative impact on self-worth.

    According to Thriveworks.com, self-worth precedes self-esteem. Developing self-worth helps with a healthy identity formation. Additionally, the Academic Psychological Association (APA) found a positive association between positive feelings of self-worth and a high degree of self-acceptance and self-esteem. Although there is not conclusive age at which self-worth develops, it begins developing along with awareness and maturity. By the age of five, it is likely a child would have strengthened their sense of self-worth.

    Self-worth is a foundation. If you have a strong sense of self-worth, you are more likely to accept yourself for who you are, flaws and mistakes included. A strong self-worth can be a positive buffer in hard and challenging times. Remember, that core beliefs are often old, deep and can be resistant to change. This can make self-worth issues more difficult to address.

    There are ways you can begin to build your self-worth:

    • Practice self-compassion. Be kind to yourself when you face setbacks.
    • Develop core values that can guide personal decision-making.
    • Engage in mindfulness. Focus on the present moment. Build your self-awareness.
    • Challenge negative thoughts. If a negative thought pops up, come up with two positive thoughts for every negative one.

    “Self-worth comes from one thing —  thinking that you are worthy.” – Wayne Dyer 

    Resources:

    Image retrieved on 5/16/2025 from <a href=”https://www.freepik.com/free-vector/personal-growth-concept-illustration_29978908.htm”>Image by storyset on Freepik</a>

    Choosingtherapy.com. “Self-worth vs. Self-esteem.” Retrieved on 5/13/2025 from https://www.choosingtherapy.com/self-worth-vs-self-esteem/

    Jantz, Gregory. “Self-worth vs. Self-esteem: Understanding the Key Difference.” The Center: A Place of Hope. Updated on 12/16/2024. Retrieved on 5/16/2025 from https://www.aplaceofhope.com/self-worth-vs-self-esteem-understanding-the-key-differences/

    Resilience Lab. “What is Self-worth & How do we build it?” 3/13/2024. Retrieved on 5/16/2025

    Thriveworks.com “Self-worth v. Self-esteem.” Retrieved on 5/13/2025 from https://thriveworks.com/help-with/self-improvement/self-worth-vs-self-esteem/

    University of North Carolina-Wilmington. Self-Help resources.Self-Worth. Retrieved on 5/16/2025 from https://uncw.edu/seahawk-life/health-wellness/counseling/self-help-resources/self-worth

  • Stop Looking Outside Yourself for Validation

    May 17, 2025

    How often do you base your self-esteem on your accomplishments, your social circle, or  your looks? How often is your self-esteem go up and down based on circumstances or moods?

    As I began researching the topic of self-esteem, I realized that, like many people, I conflated the definitions of self-esteem and self-worth.  As I delved into the topic over the last few weeks, I learned that self-esteem and self-worth are not the same.  While the two terms are related, self-esteem is more about your perception of yourself, based on external factors and achievements, while self-worth is about your inherent value as a person. I will touch upon self-esteem in this blog.   Next week, I will focus on self-worth.

    According to Wikipedia, self-esteem is confidence in one’s own worth, abilities, or morals. Self-esteem encompasses beliefs about oneself, as well as emotional states like pride, triumph, happiness, despair, etc.

    Licensed clinical mental health counselor Hailey Shafir states that self-esteem describes how you think and feel about yourself, which changes based on mood, circumstance, performance or the approval of others.

    Self-esteem involves your thoughts and feelings about yourself, plus your level of confidence, added Shafir. Self-esteem depends heavily on the outer world of people, tasks, and external information used to compare, judge and evaluate yourself.

    The concepts of self-worth and self-esteem evolved since their introduction in the 19th century. Psychologist William James introduced the concept of self-esteem when he first linked self-esteem to accomplishments and personal success. Later, psychologist Carl Rogers emphasized self-worth and argued that true self-worth comes from unconditional acceptance of oneself.

    People with low self-esteem are less confident and often have more negative thoughts  and feelings about themselves. I can relate. Self-esteem can be fragile and fluctuate as it is based on our achievements, social status, or personal traits.  

    According to an article on The Center: A Place of Hope website, there are key components of self-esteem:

    • Competence-based
    • Social-based
    • Appearance-based

    Competence-based self-esteem is linked to skills and success. When individuals excel in specific areas like academics, work, or personal projects, their self-esteem often increases. An example could be a person getting a big promotion or mastering a new skill.

    Social-based self-esteem is tied to relationships. This component of self-esteem derives from the quality of relationships with others such as friends, family, and co-workers. Positive interactions can boost a person’s self-esteem. However, social rejection or isolation can diminish it.

    Appearance-based self-esteem is influenced by physical appearance. This component of self-esteem relates to how an individual perceives their physical looks and how closely those looks align with social beauty standards. Cultural norms, social media, and media representation significantly shapes and impacts this component.

    There are also several characteristics of self-esteem:

    • Thoughts and feelings about certain traits or skills
    • Temporary boosts in confidence
    • Self-judgment and evaluation
    • Conditional and contingent upon certain standards
    • Value in the external world
    • Negative feedback and the stress that can undermine its value
    • Ego or false self reflection
    • A scarce resource that needs constant renewal

    My self-esteem was like the stock market, one day it was up and the next down. As a kid, teenager, particularly my middle school days, I was young and immature. I did not have the social skills to make a lot of friends. I was awkward and often sat alone on the school bus. My self-esteem really started on a roller coaster ride when I started seventh grade. I was quiet and shy. I was a target of bullies. I often developed stomach aches before gym class in middle school. My self-esteem was not high.

    As I entered high school, I would look at Teen and Seventeen magazines and see what I perceived to be the beautiful girls. Teen magazine hosted a teen model contest each year. I dreamed that could be me. I knew that I was not tall or beautiful to even compete. You had to be at least five foot, seven inches tall. I am five foot, four inches tall. I took ballet class, actually started on point. I quit after puberty kicked in. I was not the thin and tiny body shape that other girls were in my class. I am not sure if I could have been good. I judged my body harshly.

    Self-esteem is more judgmental than self-worth, as it is a by-product of your critical mind, which is the part that is really good at finding and fixing problems. This part of the brain is always looking for new information to use to evaluate and compare you to other people, their expectations or your own expectations, wrote Hailey Shafir.

    I am so glad that social media didn’t exist back then. I think I would have been obsessed with Instagram. Media representations and social media often create an unrealistic standard for beauty and success. My self-esteem would be caught up with it. I cannot recall who said it, don’t compare your behind the scenes life with another’s highlight reel. It is not a true comparison. This point is confirmed by other concurring resources.

    “Social media platforms, in particular, can fuel comparison and negatively impact self-esteem by showcasing curated, idealized versions of other lives,” according to the Center: A Place for Hope.

    Clinical therapists Samantha Gonzalez and Alyssa Acosta led a study at Loma Linda University Behavioral Health. They broke down the impact of social media on the self-perception and mental well-being of young individuals and the challenges that they face in maintaining their own healthy self-image in the digital age.

    “Social media platforms are flooded with meticulously curated profiles, showcasing seemingly perfect lives, flawless appearances, and ideal bodies,” Acosta says. “This constant exposure to images of seemingly perfect individuals can lead young people to develop unrealistic expectations about their own appearance and life achievements.”

    The negative impacts of social media platforms can lead to distorted representations and comparing oneself to what is online. This can lead to feelings of inadequacy, lowered self-esteem, and even body dysmorphia. Young people are fueled by the need for validation and social approval.  The number of “likes, comments, and followers,” has become a measure for self-worth.

    Social media and media representations are not the only factors impacting our self-esteem. Childhood experiences play a crucial role in shaping self-esteem. Consistent praise, encouragement, and constructive feedback can foster a healthy self-esteem. In contrast, if an individual grew up with neglect, criticism, or abuse, these factors can damage self-esteem and lead to lifelong securities. 

    Cultural and societal expectation play a role as well. Different cultures place varying levels on the importance of individual success, social standing, and physical appearance. Societal pressures of academic achievement, college choice, career choice, career achievements, social status, and beauty ideals significantly affect self-esteem.

    Self-esteem affects many areas of life: emotional health, relationships, and personal achievements. When we have a healthy self-esteem, we are more likely to take risks and pursue goals. We can be better equipped to face and handle set-backs and bounce back from failures. When we have healthy self-esteem, it can foster positive relationships and effective communication. That is a win-win in my book.

    On the other hand, low self-esteem can cause emotional instability. We may rely on external validation and this can cause emotional highs and lows. Low self-esteem may result in social withdrawal or an avoidance of social events. From my experience, low self-esteem has led to life-long social anxiety. If I go to this event, will have anyone to talk to? Will I be a “wall flower?” standing by the buffet? As someone who has experienced low self-esteem that has been persistent at points in my life, it can indeed lead to depression, generalized anxiety, and feelings of worthlessness.

    Steps to take to improve self-esteem:

    • Be kind and increase self-compassion
    • Separate what you do from who you are
    • Stop looking outside yourself for validation
    • Stop competing, start connecting
    • Develop a more positive mindset

    These steps will not be easy, however, they’ll be well worth it.

    “Wanting to be someone else is a waste of the person you are.” –Marilyn Monroe

    Resources:

    Image retrieved on 5/16/2025 from https://www.freepik.com/free-vector/high-self-esteem-illustration_10684322.htm#fromView=keyword&page=1&position=11&uuid=8de2c781-1298-4147-a9f8-39ef0349968b&query=Self+Esteem

    The Center: A Place of Hope. “Self-Worth vs. Self-Esteem: Understanding the Key Differences.” Retrieved on 5/5/2025 from Self-Worth vs. Self-Esteem: Understanding the Key Differences

    Hibbert, Christina.”Self-Esteem vs. Self-Worth: Q & A with Dr. Christian Hibbert.” Retrieved on 5/5/2025 from Self-Esteem vs. Self-Worth: Q & A w/ Dr. Christina Hibbert | Dr. Christina Hibbert

    Mong, Victor. “7 Habits Most People Don’t Realize are driven by Shame.” Medium.com. 4/1/2025. Retrieved on 5/15/2025 from https://victormong.medium.com/7-habits-most-people-dont-realize-are-driven-by-shame-66c2f41388f2

    Shafir, Hailey, LCMHCS. “Self-Worth Vs. Self-Esteem: Understanding the Differences.” Choosingtherapy.com 9/29/2023. Retrieved on 5/13/2025 from https://www.choosingtherapy.com/self-worth-vs-self-esteem/

    Smith, Molly.  “The impacts of social media on youth self-image.” 5/16/2023. Retrieved on 5/16/2025 from https://news.llu.edu/health-wellness/impacts-of-social-media-youth-self-image#

  • Who Am I? What Makes “Me” me?

    May 10,2025

    What is self-perception? Self-perception refers to the way an individual views themselves, encompassing their internal feelings and understanding of their characteristics. It involves a personal and subjective understanding of oneself, rather than external perceptions from others. The person has a picture of who they are. This perception influences attitudes, behavior and overall sense of self.

    Why is self-perception important? It is important for understanding how individuals think, behave, and relate to others. According to a 2022 published study, it is understood that self-perception includes those internally conscious and organized concepts that the individual has about oneself.

    There are other words for self-perception, such as self-image, self-concept, introspection, self-awareness, self-examination, and self-reflection. These terms also relate to how a person perceives themselves, their abilities, and place in the world.  In today’s blog, I will focus on self-perception and self-concept.

    Self-concept is what you believe defines you as a person. It answers the “Who Am I?” question. It involves everything about you, from your morals and everyday behaviors to your talents, hobbies, and beliefs. Self-concept is a critical component of identity development.

    What is the difference between self-concept vs. self-esteem? Self-concept and self-esteem are related, according to the Aster Mental Health website, yet they are distinct ideas in psychology. Self-concept is a broader term that encompasses the entirety of an individual’s beliefs about themselves, including their traits, behaviors, and overall identity. Whereas, self-esteem refers to the evaluative and affective aspect of self-concept. It is the judgment and emotional reaction a person has towards themselves. Self-esteem relates to how much a person likes or values themselves. I am going touch part on that in another blog post.

    According to humanistic psychologist Carl Rogers, there are three parts of self-concept:

    • Ideal self – your vision and ambitions of who you want to be.
    • Real self (self-image) – how you currently see and perceive yourself.
    • Self-esteem – how much worth and value you believe you have.

    Carl Rogers was an American psychologist who was one of the founders of humanistic psychology. Rogers’ main theory was that people have an innate desire for personal growth and self-actualization. He believed that people have an inherent tendency to realize their full potential when supported by an environment that provides unconditional positive regard. Rogers’ work transformed psychotherapy.

    As I delved further into the concept of self-perception, I learned many things, too many to fit into this one blog post. One key theory that I came upon is the self-perception theory. It is an important concept in psychology.  It was first introduced in the 1960’s by a social psychologist named Daryl J. Bem at Cornell University. It asserts that people develop their attitudes (when there is no previous attitude due to a lack of experience, etc.—and the emotional response is ambiguous) by observing their own behavior and concluding what attitudes must have caused it.

    Initially, Bern’s theory was seen by some as a concept that challenged cognitive dissonance. However, further research that built upon Bem’s work has concluded that the self-perception theory and cognitive dissonance do indeed have different applications. The critical difference is that self-perception theory relates to situations where an individual’s attitude is ambiguous or weak. Since the 1960s, there have been other numerous studies conducted by psychologists that support the self-perception theory, demonstrating that emotions do follow behaviors. 

    Bem outlined the key ideas for his theory:

    • Inference from behavior
    • Ambiguous internal cues
    • Attitude formation
    • Behavioral cues as evidence
    • Lack of prior attitude

    “Individuals come to know their own attitudes, emotions, and other internal states,”  wrote Bem, “partially by inferring them from observations of their own overt behavior and/or the circumstances in which the behavior occurs.”

    The Decision Lab shared the basic idea of Self-Perception Theory as, “We typically view the interaction between attitudes and behaviors as a causal sequence that progresses linearly from attitude to behavior. We might have an attitude towards work ethic, for example, which would translate into some behavior, like working overtime to get the job done.”

    What influences our self-perceptions? Other people can influence our self-concept and self-esteem, but there more important systemic forces on our self-perception have the most influence, wrote Tammera Stokes Rice. Influences include social and family influences, culture, and media. Each play a role in shaping who we think we are and how we feel about ourselves.

    As a newborn, we are a blank slate. Parents and peers shape our self-perceptions in positive and negative ways. Feedback that we get from significant others can lead to perceptions of self. As we grow, those influences can change. The way that you perceive yourself impacts all arenas of your life. In general, we strive to present a public image that matches our self-perception or self-concept. Take the time, get out a journal, and write down answers to the following:

    • Make a list of characteristics that you think describe who you are.
    • Name one positive and one negative influence that had your self-perception.

    “From the start, our environment shapes who we are. We don’t always see it, but we are similarly influenced by what the people around us believe.”
    ― C.B. Lansdell, Far Removed

    Resources:

    Image retrieved on 5/10/2025 from <a href=”https://www.freepik.com/free-photo/portrait-woman-with-low-self-esteem_36305570.htm”>Image by pikisuperstar on Freepik</a>

    Aster Mental Health. “What is Self-concept in Psychology?” Retrieved on 5/4/2025 from https://www.astermentalhealth.com/what-is-self-concept-in-psychology/#:~:text=Different%20cultures%20emphasize%20different%20aspects,to%20which%20individuals%20compare%20themselves.

    Bem, Daryl J. “Self-Perception: An Alternative Interpretation of Cognitive Dissonance Phenomena.” Carnegie Institute of Technology. Psychological Review. 1967, vol. 74, No.3, 183-200. Retrieved on 5/4/2025 from https://web.mit.edu/curhan/www/docs/Articles/15341_Readings/Motivation/Bem_1967_Self_perception.pdf

    Bem, Daryl J. “Self Perception Theory.” Advance in Experimental Social Psychology, vol. 6. 1972. Academic Press, Inc. New  York. Retrieved on 5/4/2025 from http://www.communicationcache.com/uploads/1/0/8/8/10887248/self-perception_theory.pdf

    The Decision Lab.”Self Perception Theory”. Retrieved on 5/4/2025 from https://thedecisionlab.com/reference-guide/psychology/self-perception-theory

    McLeod, PhD, Saul. “Contribution to Psychology,” Retrieved on 5/4/2025 from https://www.simplypsychology.org/carl-rogers.html#:~:text=Carl%20Rogers’%20humanistic%20theory%20focuses,that%20provides%20unconditional%20positive%20regard.

    Palenzuela-Luis N, Duarte-Clíments G, Gómez-Salgado J, Rodríguez-Gómez JÁ, Sánchez-Gómez MB. International Comparison of Self-Concept, Self-Perception and Lifestyle in Adolescents: A Systematic Review. Int J Public Health. 2022 Sep 29;67:1604954. doi: 10.3389/ijph.2022.1604954. PMID: 36250150; PMCID: PMC9556634. Retrieved on 5/4/2025 from https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC9556634/#:~:text=Finally%2C%20self%2Dperception%20is%20important,individual%20has%20about%20him%2Fherself.

    Psych Central.”The Makeup and Theories of Self Concept.” Retrieved on 5/4/2025 from https://psychcentral.com/health/self-concept

    Social Science Explainer. “Self-Perception Theory.” Retrieved on 5/4/2025 from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZrtNaguKM68

    “Study.com “Self-Perception Theory: Definition and Examples.” Psychology 104: Social Psychology. Retrieved on 5/4/2025 from https://study.com/academy/lesson/self-perception-theory-definition-and-examples.

    “Self-perception” theory”. Retrieved on 5/4/2025 from https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Self-perception_theory#:~:text=Self-perception%20theory Stokes Rice, Tammera. College of the Canyons. “3.5 Influence on Self-Perception.” Retrieved on 5/4/2025 from https://socialsci.libretexts.org/Courses/College_of_the_Canyons/COMS_100%3A_Process_of_Communication_(Stokes-Rice)/03%3A_Perceiving_and_Understanding/3.05%3A_Influences_on_Self-Perception

  • There is a Need to Be Kind and Compassionate to Yourself

    5/6/2025

    Do you see yourself as kind and compassionate? Do you extend that to yourself?

    I must admit over the years, I thought of myself as not good enough. I internalized what I saw as a shortcoming. I developed a strong bias against myself. It was not just what I physically saw, I disliked or criticized my actions or lack of actions. My anxiety increased. Back in 2018, I named my anxiety as “Annie.” Annie has been the meanest bully I have ever faced. As I have gotten older, what was unacceptable to me or seen as problems and flaws are now less intrusive. I still battle with “Annie” anxiety. Yet now, Annie wins fewer fights.

    If I want a true, straight forward answer, I ask my husband. He may not sugar coat it. In fairness, he is kinder to me than I am to myself. I have learned over the years, then when I am mean and critical to myself, he is my biggest defender. He is ready to battle “Annie” himself. I have told him, this is a battle that I must fight on my own, if he is in my corner between rounds. I will feel stronger.

    Self-criticism distorts our awareness of who we really are. Comparison games make things worse and not better. It causes us to doubt our abilities, increases our anxiety, then our self-esteem takes a nosedive.

    How do we feel better? Research done by Kristin Neff, Ph.D. has shown that self-compassion and kindness is particularly important. In the early 200’s, Kristin Neff’s research and publications on self-compassion became popular. The concept of self-compassion gained ground within the field of psychology.

    What is self-compassion? It is treating yourself with the same kindness and understanding that you would offer a friend in tough times, by acknowledging pain, setbacks, and actively paying attention to your emotions without hard judgment of yourself wrote Neff. Neff outlines three key components of self-compassion: self-kindness, common humanity, and mindfulness.

    • Self-kindness v. self-judgment: Self-compassion entails being warm and understanding toward ourselves when we suffer, fail, or feel inadequate, rather than ignoring our pain or flagging ourselves with self-criticism.
    • Common humanity v. isolation: self-compassion involves recognizing that suffering and personal inadequacy is part of the shared human experience – something that we all go through rather than being something that happens to “me” alone.
    • Mindfulness v. over-identification: Self-compassion also requires taking a balanced approach to our negative emotions so that feelings are neither suppressed nor exaggerated. The goal is to use mindfulness to observe thoughts and feelings as they are without trying to suppress or deny them.

    As Neff points out, we cannot ignore our pain and feel compassion for it at the same time. Self-compassion is not a new concept. Buddhism’s core value of importance is compassion. It was Neff’s introduction to Buddhism during her Ph.D. dissertation process that led her to start researching self-compassion.

     In Buddhism, compassion, often translated as karuna (Sanskrit) or karuna (Pali), is a core concept, representing a strong wish for others to be free from suffering and to experience happiness, rooted in the interconnectedness and equality of all beings. 

    “By feeling compassion for others, our own suffering becomes manageable,” His Holiness the Dalai Lama has written in his teachings on compassion. This practice of cultivating compassion is not limited to Buddhist practitioners — it is seen as a universal quality that can be developed by anyone.

    There is a relentless pursuit of being above average to feel good about ourselves, wrote Neff in her book, Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself.

    “If you are continually judging and criticizing yourself while trying to be kind to others, you are drawing artificial boundaries and distinctions that only lead to feelings of separation and isolation, “wrote Neff.

    Neff’s work has made a significant impact and led to further research and awareness of self-compassion. She co-created a mindful self-compassion program with Chris Germer, as well as a new type of therapy called Compassion Focused Therapy (CFT) which has gained popularity in recent years in addressing mental health difficulties.

    As part of the mindful self-compassion program that she co-created Neff has outlined the pillars of self-compassion: mindfulness, common humanity, self-kindness, and reaching out for support.

    Practicing self-compassion can reduce negative self-talk and improve emotional resilience and well-being wrote Psychologist Catherine Moore.

    In a study led by Hiroki Hirano, researchers highlighted the following:

    • Higher self-esteem and self-compassion were associated with greater affect. Higher self-esteem and self-compassion were linked to lower negative effects and stress.
    • Higher self-esteem and self-compassion were related to greater use of adaptive coping.
    • The utility of self-esteem and self-compassion varied across cultures.

    Writer Elaine Mead points out that People are often good at demonstrating compassion for others, but not so much for the self. Self-compassion can be an incredibly tricky process to fully adopt. Where mindfulness can feel like self-care, self-compassion can often be mixed up with feelings of self-indulgence.”

    I work on being kinder and more compassionate to myself. I ask you to do the same. I will end with this:

     “You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.” – Buddha

    Resources:

    Image retrieved on 5/6/2025 from <a href=”https://www.freepik.com/free-vector/flat-design-compliment-illustration_38729151.htm”>Image by freepik</a>

    Germer, Chris. “Loving Kindness for Ourselves.” Guided mindfulness (20 minutes in length). Retrieved on 4/7/2025 from https://chrisgermer.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/01/Loving-KindnessforOurselves20.41ckgamplified12-14-14.mp3

    Hirano, Hiroki, Keiko Ishii, and Maaya Sato. “Exploring the Influence of self-esteem and self-compassion on daily psychological health: Insights from the experience sampling method.” Retrieved on 5/4/2025 from https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0191886925001023#:~:text=Specifically%2C%20individuals%20high%20in%20self,on%20daily%20stress%20management%20strategies.

    “What is Compassion?” Lionsroar.com Retrieved on 4/7/2025 from https://www.lionsroar.com/buddhism/compassion-karuna/

    Mead, Elaine, BSc. “What is Mindful Self-Compassion?” Positive Psychology.com 6/1/2019. Retrieved on 4/7/2025 from https://positivepsychology.com/mindful-self-compassion/#:~:text=Research%20Connecting%20Mindfulness%20and%20Self%2DCompassion&text=Key%20studies%20connecting%20mindfulness%20and,1%2Dyear%20follow%2Dups

    Moore, Catherine, MBA. “How to Practice Self-Compassion: 8 Techniques and Tips.” 6/2/2019. Retrieved on 4/16/2025 from How to Practice Self-Compassion: 8 Techniques and Tips

    Neff, Ph.D., Kristin. Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself. William Morrow. New York, NY. ©2011

    Neff, Ph.D., Kristin. Self-Compassion.org. Retrieved on 5/3/2025 from https://self-compassion.org/what-is-self-compassion/

  • How Your Blind Spots Can Deter Your Career

    May 3, 2025

    Blind spots are personal traits or aspects we demonstrate, but are not aware of. If the traits appear as weaknesses, they can then limit the way we react, behave, or believe that could limit our effectiveness. These blind spots can negatively impact career advancement and overall professional success.

    Cynthia Orduna of Career Minds describes a professional blind spot to an area of leadership or personal behavior that an individual is unaware of, which negatively impacts their work effectiveness. She adds, these blind spots can stem from deeply ingrained habits, biases, or perspectives that can go unchallenged.

    According to leadership coach Ramonda Shaw, there are nine core blind spots:

    • avoiding conflict,
    • being a “know it all”
    • blaming others or circumstances
    • underestimating workload
    • ignoring feedback
    • not truly listening
    • being insensitive
    • conspiring against others/playing favorites
    • driven by personal agenda

    Writer Erica Lamberg points out workers are faced with career blind spots that can catch them by surprise. 

    Examples of blind spots in the workplace:

    If you avoid conflict and hesitate to address uncomfortable situations, this can lead to unresolved issues and damage work relationships. If you refuse to take responsibility for your actions or mistakes, including constructive feedback, you are risking your personal growth and development. It can hinder the progress that you could be making in your job.

    Leadership Strategist Sara Canaday states that we all have blind spots.  The only way to identify them is to ask someone has a different perspective. Select someone that will be honest enough to tell us the truth about ourselves.

    If you take on a project without understanding the full extent of its requirements and complexity, then you could miss deadlines. If you do not ask for help, this could add to the trouble that leads to miscommunication and frustration.

    It’s not just workers that show blind spots, according to Orduna.  Even seasoned leaders can have blind spots. These blind spots can cause a misalignment with their perceptions and actions with reality. It does not just affect the leader’s growth, but also impacts team dynamics and overall organizational success.

    In what ways can blind spots impact a leader?

    The leader could excel at functional tasks like technology or accounting, but falls short of building relationships. The person could have a detached personality and show little, if any, emotion. In fact, internally, the person may look down on others who show emotion in the workplace. Leaders who lack empathy and sensitivity hurt their team.

    A leader micromanages by constant supervision that could stifle creativity and demotivate their employees. The employees may feel that they are not trusted to do their jobs. Who wants a leader that is constantly looking over our shoulders?

    A leader could use direct or blunt communication that they may believe is efficient and clear. Yet, the style of communication is actually harsh and insensitive. The team could become demoralized or feel disrespected. Here, the work environment would become toxic.

    What if this same leader sees themselves as approachable, but then dismisses feedback from their team? Eventually, team members may become frustrated, then stop sharing ideas and their concerns.

    The leader that gives the top, high visibility projects to certain team members only, this can cause resentment among the rest of the team. Who wants to feel overlooked and undervalued?

    Being unaware of how you come across or are perceived could lead to miscommunication and misunderstandings. It is important to be aware of and understand various perspectives of co-workers. Being insensitive to how your behavior impacts a teammate could damage relationships and morale.

    “As in many areas of our lives,” wrote author K. Scott Griffith,  “blind spots are everywhere, often hiding in plain sight.”

    Remember, we will have blind spots. If you can become aware of them, understand them, then learn to manage them, you can grow. First, we have to look in the mirror and assess ourselves. One of the things that I learned as a leader and club officer in my Toastmasters club is to conduct a 360-degree assessment of my skill set, communication skills, and other traits. It is part of the Toastmasters International leadership development process. It allows members and fellow club officers to gain a better understanding of their strengths and areas for improvement. Take the time to create a plan to improve. Invite someone who knows you well, will be honest with you, and become your accountability partner. This will help you stay on course.  Don’t let blind spots deter your success.

    Resources:

    Image retrieved on 5/3/2025 from <a href=”https://www.freepik.com/free-vector/strict-boss-concept-illustration_40467506.htm”>Image by storyset on Freepik</a>

    Canaday, Sara. “Are Your Blind Spots Killing Your Career?” 4/7/2014. Retrieved on 4/24/2025 from https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/20140407232101-15105969-are-your-your-blind-spots-killing-your-career/

    Griffith, K. Scott. The Leader’s Guide to Managing Risk: A Proven Method to Build Resilience and Reliability. Harper Collins Leadership. ©November 2023.

    Lamberg, Erica. “These career blind spots could be holding you back at work.” Fox Business. Retrieved on 4/27/2025 from https://www.foxbusiness.com/lifestyle/career-blind-spots-could-be-holding-you-back-work-gain-control-author

    Longnecker, Clinton O. and Robert D. Yonker. “Leadership Blind Spots in Rapidly Changing Organizations.   Retrieved on 4/24/2025 from https://www.iise.org/details.aspx?id=44285

    MacGregor, Basis. “5 Top Leadership Blind Spots That Are Killing Your Performance.” 9/20/2019. Retrieved on 4/24/2025 from https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/5-top-leadership-blind-spots-killing-your-performance/.

    Orduna, Cynthia. “Leadership Blind Spots: What They Are and How to Fix Them.” 9/19/2024. Retrieved 4/24/2025 from https://careerminds.com/blog/leadership-blind-spots#:~:text=A%20professional%20blind%20spot%20is,missed%20opportunities%20in%20the%20workplace

    Shaw, Ramona. “9 Common Blind Spots That Plague Even the Best Leaders.” Retrieved on 4/27/2025 from https://www.ramonashaw.com/9-common-blind-spots-that-plague-even-the-best-leaders/

    Toastmasters International. Club Officer 360 Degree Evaluation. Retrieved on 4/27/2025 from https://www.toastmasters.org/resources/club-officer-360-degree-evaluation

    Vozza, Stephanie. “How to Recognize Your Blind Spots Before They Derail Your Career.” 10/16/2017. Retrieved on 4/24/2025 from https://www.fastcompany.com/40477399/how-to-recognize-your-blind-spots-before-they-derail-your-career

  • What is Cognitive Dissonance?

    4/18/2025

    Cognitive dissonance abstract concept vector illustration. Mental discomfort, conflict, missing out, psychological abuse, emotional state, decision making, experience abstract metaphor.

    What is Cognitive Dissonance?

    It is the mental discomfort that results from holding two conflicting beliefs, values, or attitudes. As individuals, we tend to seek out consistency in our attitudes, perceptions, and values, yet we do something that conflicts with the values we hold, we may feel uneasy and uncomfortable.

    Here are some examples:

    You make a pact with yourself to put money in a savings account, but then with the surprise bonus, you splurge on the great dress you saw online. You later regret that choice when an unexpected expense occurs when your car needs repairs.

    You say honesty is important personal value, but then tell a white lie to a friend to get out of a sticky and awkward social situation to not hurt their feelings.

    Discomfort and unease can happen to all of us to some degree or another, but it is not always easy to detect or recognize. It can occur in pretty much any area of life.

    According to Psychology Ryan Anderson, cognitive dissonance is very common where someone’s beliefs that are important to how they define themselves conflict with how they behave.

    Where did this concept originate? In 1957, Psychologist Leon Festinger published a book, A Theory of Cognitive Dissonance.  The theory of cognitive dissonance proposed that two ideas can be consonant or dissonant. Consonant ideas logically flow from one another. Dissonant ideas oppose one another. The dissonance between two contradictory ideas, or between an idea and a behavior, creates discomfort. Festinger argued that cognitive dissonance is more intense when a person holds many dissonant views and those views are important to them.

    According to Cherry, cognitive dissonance can be caused by feeling forced to do something, learning new information, or when faced with a decision between two similar choices. It proposes a challenge. It causes discomfort in us that we may not readily want to accept.

    How does discomfort manifest itself? A person may feel anxious, embarrassed, regretful, sad, shameful, or stressed.

    What influences cognitive dissonance? The degree of dissonance depends on a few factors, notes Kendra Cherry, MSED. The importance attached to each belief and the number of dissonant beliefs. For example, the more clashing thoughts you have, the greater the strength of the dissonance.

    One of my goals is to eat more fruits and vegetables daily, as it will improve my health with its nutrients in the long term. I am motivated initially.  In fact, I do well for the first few days, yet, after having a bad day, I crave the sweets and give in to that cookie, donut, or whoopie pie.  For me, some foods give me emotional comfort when I feel low. I rationalize, one cookie or donut is not going to hurt me in the long term. In reality, I could have worst habits. I am unhappy with myself, or I could be anxious or stressed. I am bothered that I broke a promise to myself and my inconsistency to change bad habits.

    Psychology Today points out that when one learns new information that challenges a deeply held belief or acts in a way that undercuts a favorable self-image, that person may feel motivated to resolve a negative feeling and return to cognitive consonance. Yet, the response or choice a person selects may not always resolve it. They may ignore the source or behave to eliminate any conflict that they are feeling internally.

    “The inconsistency between what people believe and how they behave motivates them to engage in actions that will help minimize feelings of discomfort. People attempt to relieve this tension in different ways, such as by rejecting, explaining away, or avoiding new information,” wrote Cherry.

    According to Cherry, people like to believe that they are logical, consistent, and good at making decisions. Cognitive dissonance can interfere with the perceptions they hold about themselves and their abilities, which is why it can often feel so uncomfortable and unpleasant.

    Dissonance plays a role in how we act, think and make decisions. Festinger believed that all people are motivated to avoid or resolve cognitive dissonance, due to the discomfort. The defense mechanisms fall into three areas: avoiding, delegitimizing, and limiting impact.

    Firstly, people may avoid or ignore what they are feeling. They may avoid people or situations that remind them of it.  They may discourage others without talking about it, or distract themselves until the feeling goes away. Cherry notes that sometime this may involve blaming other people or outside factors.

    Secondly, people may undermine the evidence. They may try to discredit the person, group, or situation. For example, they may say the source is biased, not trustworthy.

    According to Cherry, people may feel ashamed of their conflicting beliefs and behaviors. They may try to hide the disparity from others to minimize the feelings of shame and guilt.

    Thirdly, people may belittle the importance of the information. They may say the behavior is rare or unusual. They may rationalize to convince themselves or others that the behavior is okay.

    Cherry pointed out that people may seek out information that confirms existing beliefs. This is known as confirmation bias. It affects our abilities to think critically about a situation but helps minimize feelings of dissonance.

    Anderson summed it up that cognitive dissonance is everywhere, it can be used to explain a lot of different behaviors and attitudes.

    We can resolve the dissonance by changing our actions, changing our thoughts, or changing perceptions of actions. We can be mindful of our values and any decisions or actions that could conflict with our values.

    Resources:

    Image retrieved 4/18/2025 from  Image by vectorjuice on Freepik

    Anderson, Ph.D., Ryan. “How Cognitive Dissonance Relates to Relationships: The phenomenon of cognitive dissonance can account for just about anything.” 12/14/2016.Psychology Today. Retrieved on 4/10/2025 from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-mating-game/201612/how-cognitive-dissonance-relates-relationships

    California Learning Resource Network (CLRN) “What is a blind spot in psychology?” 11/18/2024. Retrieved on 3/12/2025 from What is a blind spot in psychology? –

    Cherry, MSED, Kendra. “Cognitive Dissonance and the Discomfort of Holding Conflicting Beliefs. How We Resolve Our Internal Conflicts.” Verywellmind.com 1/27/2025. Retrieved on 4/10/2025 from https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-cognitive-dissonance-2795012

    Medical News Today. “What is Cognitive Dissonance.” Retrieved on 4/10/2025 from https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/326738

    Psychology Today staff. “Cognitive Dissonance.” Retrieved on 4/10/2025 from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/cognitive-dissonance