Curious and Creative

Tag: self-care

  • When Holiday Time is not a Joyful Time

    12/24/2025

    “It is a Holly, Jolly Christmas; the best time of the year.”

    This song is often in the regular Christmas music rotation for the local radio station, and it is also on my personal Apple music playlist. This year, I was paying more attention to the lyrics of various songs that I had heard before. I often played my holiday music station on Pandora when I was researching and writing my blog.

    I know the words of holiday music are intended to lift spirits. Song lyrics speak of a season filled with joy, warmth, gratitude, and celebration. What if the holidays do not bring joy to yourself or to someone that you know? Many individuals can dread the holiday season as it is filled with stress, loneliness, grief, or emotional burnout.

    Psychologist Elizabeth A. Grill wrote that family dynamics, pressures, and struggles can be magnified during the holiday season.

    According to the Better Help Editorial team, the holidays can raise challenging feelings and create conflict. When left unaddressed, such stress can evolve into more serious health issues.

    Holidays over the years have been a mix of joy, stress, and sometimes loneliness. I did not always share my feelings with others as I did want to be a “wet blanket” on other’s holiday cheer. There have been many times that, by Christmas Day, I rolled around I was physically and mentally exhausted.

    In a Lifestance Health Survey, it found that seven out of ten respondents feel pressured to appear happier than they are during the holidays. More than half of the respondents feel lonely around the holidays, even when they are with loved ones. According to 57 percent of the respondents, holidays are stressful.

    I put a lot of pressure on myself to create the perfect and magical Christmas, and replicate happy experiences from my childhood for my own family. I have learned over the years, after my younger was diagnosed with autism spectrum disorder at age six, that the stress and demands of the holidays could turn daily life into a tailspin. Christmas gatherings were very overwhelming, and included lots of people, food, presents, and expectations. Sometimes, it did not turn out like a picture-perfect Christmas card –  not even close. Christmases were and are different.

    As my younger son grew into a teenager and now as young adult, I have worked hard to get his input on what he liked, loved, hated, or wanted to do without. I have worked hard this year to do weekly or even daily check-ins with him. How can I help? What does he need? In the process of trying to help him with the stresses of the holidays, I have helped myself.

    Chloe Bean is a somatic trauma therapist that specializes in anxiety and nervous system regulation.

    “A big reason mental health declines in December,” stated Bean,  “is because the nervous system gets pulled in many directions at once.”

    There are shorter days, increased social pressure, travel, financial stress, family roles and dynamics that reopen wounds, noted Bean.

    Some people experienced unhealthy situations and dynamics, said Mary Fleisch, a licensed trauma therapist.

    “Mental health declines during the holidays,” said Fleisch, “because there is a lot of pressure and buildup around connection and belonging.” 

    There are also many personal, family, and community pressures to gather, visit, and enjoy meals together. There maybe pressure to be “happy,” when you really are not. If you are not in the mood to celebrate, others may tease that you are “The Grinch” or being a “Scrooge.”

    There are holiday blues and season affective disorder, there is a distinct difference.

    A person experiencing holiday blues is facing situational stress, grief, or pressure related to the holidays. On the other hand, someone that experiences seasonal affective disorder faces recurring seasonal depression that is linked to light changes, and has lasting symptoms. An evaluation by a professional counselor can help determine whether it is holiday blues or SAD.

    The holidays can magnify stress and grief. Here are some common triggers:

    • Family stress during the holidays
    • Perfectionism
    • Feeling that you might miss out
    • Comparison
    • Scrolling social media
    • Family gatherings
    • Grief/loss

    The holidays can amplify disconnecting, noted Rebecca Kase, LCSW. She added that loneliness is a physiological state, not a personality flaw.

    Grill says the holidays can hurt, and it is important to find balance and compassion for yourself. It is important to prioritize self-care without guilt. Your needs deserve the same compassion you give others.

    The holidays can be emotionally complex. While some people may look forward to connection, others can experience pressure, overstimulation, grief, or financial strain. These can magnify underlying anxiety, depression, or other symptoms, noted Georgia Behavioral Health.

    Here are some things to consider when you are trying to help yourself or another person:

    • Let go of external pressures. You are not obligated to meet other’s expectations.
    • Know your limits. Protect your emotional capacity. Say “no” to events or interactions if you feel overwhelmed. Choose how you spend your time.
    • Release the perfection. Striving for perfectionism is self-sabotage. Not every moment will be magical. Do you know what, that is okay?
    • Practice self-kindness. Remind yourself that what you do is enough.
    • Take breaks and maintain routines of sleep, exercise, and mindfulness.
    • Practice daily self-checking ins. Ask yourself what do I need today?
    • Acknowledge your feelings. Your feelings deserve validation.

    I would like to add one of my own, rethink traditions. Not all traditions are meant to be continued into perpetuity. I used to worry that if I did not continue traditions of my family with my kids or those of my husband’s family, then I would fail. I know that sounds silly, but I let external pressures impact me. Give yourself kindness this Christmas.

    Resources:

    Image retrieved on 12/24/2025 from Image by DC Studio on Freepik

    Better Help Editorial Team. “How Holidays Affect Mental Health: Stress, Depression, Anxiety, and the Holiday Blues.” 11/7/2025. Retrieved on 12/21/2025 from https://www.betterhelp.com/advice/current-events/how-holidays-affect-mental-health-stress-depression-anxiety-and-the-holiday-blues/

    Georgia Behavioral Health. “Can Anxiety Cause Dizziness? Unpacking the Myths and Facts.” 12/12/2025. Retrieved on 12/21/2025 from https://www.gbhpsych.com/holidays-and-mental-health/

    Grill, Psych D., Elizabeth. “When the Holidays Hurt: Finding Balance and Compassion.” Psychology Today. 12/14/2025. Retrieved on 12/21/2025 from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/beyond-the-womb/202512/when-the-holidays-hurt-finding-balance-and-compassion?

    Moser, Jason, and Shelly DeJong. “Ask the Expert: How to Manage Stress Over the Holidays.” 12/18/2025. Retrieved on 12/21/2025 from https://psychology.msu.edu/news-events/news/managing-holiday-stress.html

    Nenn, Kerry. “Best Ways to Manage Holiday Depression and Stress, According to Mental Health Experts.” 12/17/2025. Retrieved on 12/21/2025 from https://therapy.com/conditions/depression/holiday-depression-stress/

  • Do You Feel Like a Fraud?

    July 12, 2025

    Do you feel like a fraud? Do you ask yourself, what I am doing here? Do you feel you don’t belong, although you have the education, experience, and credentials?

    The imposter syndrome is a form of self doubt and a false belief that you are not capable and confident as others perceive you to be. Yet, these feelings of inadequacy are unfounded. The term imposter syndrome or complex was first coined by Pauline Clance, PhD and Suzanne Imes.

    Mental health counselor Emma Giordana stated that people with imposter syndrome have difficulty internalizing their success and instead attribute their success to external factors like luck.

    Imposter syndrome is not officially recognized in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, 5th edition, but many people identify with it, particularly those who live with depression and anxiety.

    Giordana stated that those who experience with the feeling of fraudulence tend to devalue their efforts, skills, and accomplishments.

    Those who experience imposter syndrome tend to be high achievers with diverse educational backgrounds and a fair amount of professional experience, yet they often feel being inadequate and have self doubt.

    Everyone can experience a lack of confidence from time to time. So how is imposter syndrome different?

    Those who live with imposter syndrome may have:

    *A dependence on external validation

    *A fear of not living up to expectations of self and of others.

    *Overworked and strive for over achievement

    *Self-sabotage before attempting new things.

    These characteristics will vary depending on the individual’s experience, circumstance, background, and personality traits. A person with imposter syndrome may experience depression, high levels of distress, guilt, shame, and perhaps other maladaptive behaviors.

    Research has shown that imposter syndrome may be linked to certain mental health disorders such as social anxiety disorder, or attention hyper activity disorder. Additionally, some professional environments or workaplaces may foster those feelings of imposter syndrome. Some work environments may be unsupportive, unhealthy, overly critical, exploitive, and leads to low morale.

    Early research explored how imposter syndrome occurred among accomplished and successful women. A 2019 research study found that women are more likely to experience imposter syndrome than men. However, later research has since found imposter syndrome can affect anyone.

    According to the article “You’re Not a Fraud,” imposter feelings represent a conflict between self-perception and how others perceive you. You may fear or believe you don’t deserve to be in your position. You may even feel that doubt even when others praise your talents.

    Individuals experiencing imposter syndrome may try to put in more work to make up for that feeling. They also continue to be in distress. Even further, accomplishments gives no reassurance. Individuals may exhibit self-consciousness, low self-esteem, anxiety  or depression.

    Interestingly, those with imposter syndrome with accomplishments link to chance yet take the blame for any mistakes that they make even minor errors as signs of lack of intelligence and ability. Over time, it becomes a vicious cycle of anxiety, depression, and guilt.

    Top Imposter Syndrome researcher Dr. Valerie Young, author of The Secret Thoughts of Successful Women: Why Capable People Suffer from the Impostor Syndrome and How to Thrive in Spite of It outlines the five types of imposter syndrome in her book.

    • Perfectionist- person that focuses on how things are done, demand perfection in every facet of life.
    • Natural genius-person that spent life picking up new skills with little effort. There is a belief that one could understand new material right away. Yet if something doesn’t come easily or fail on first attempt, the individual may feel shame or embarrassment.
    • Rugged individual/soloist- person who believes that they can handle everything by themselves. If they cannot achieve success independently then they consider themselves unworthy. Asking for help means failure. The individual who is a soloist has high standards and if not achieved by self, they are admitting inadequacies, and showing failure.
    • The expert-  person who learned everything they can on a topic. They spend so much time seeking information that you have to devote lost time to your main task. The individual also believes that they should have all answers or seen as a fraud or failure when they can’t answer the question.
    • Superhero-Person that links personal competence to succeed in every role that they take on. If they fail to navigate the demands of those roles means that they are inadequate. They push themselves to the limit expending as much energy as possible to every role. They may think that they need to do more.

    There is no single source that causes imposter syndrome. It could include the way that you grew up, parental or guardian expectations to do well in school, comparison to siblings, being controlling or overprotective. It may be the parent or guardian emphasized natural intelligence and sharply criticized mistakes that were made.

    The feeling of feeling less than can worsen over time and it can reinforce the feeling of not belonging in the current environment, place, or situation. However, imposter syndrome can be overcome state various mental health professionals.

    • Acknowledge the feelings that you do have.
    • Talk with a trusted friend or mentor about your distress
    • Define and share your feelings about imposter syndrome as it can help you overcome them.
    • Support yourself and others, open up about your feelings.
    • Build connections. Connect with friends, co-workers, and peers. Build a support network.
    • Remember you cannot achieve everything by yourself. Validate your strengths.
    • Encourage your own efforts.
    • Challenge your doubts. Are there facts to support those feelings? Instead look for evidence to counter the negative beliefs of that you are a fraud or you aren’t enough.
    • Don’t compare yourself to others.
    • Push forward. Take risks. Begin believing in yourself in spite of self- doubt.

    According to Psychotherapist and TED speaker Lori Gottlieb, stories help you make sense of life but when those narratives are incomplete or misleading, they can keep you stuck instead of providing clarity.

    Hannah Owens, LMSW, commented that imposter syndrome affects internal feelings about work or self-worth, but also how you approach projects, relationships, and any other area where you feel unsure.

    As I noted earlier, imposter syndrome can affect anyone, no matter social status, work background, skill level or expertise level.

    “Impostor syndrome is a paradox: Others believe in you – you don’t believe in yourself. Yet you believe in yourself instead of them. If you doubt yourself, shouldn’t you also doubt your judgment of yourself?” —Adam Grant, author

    Resources:

    Image from Freepik.com Retrieved on 7/9/2025 from <a href=”https://www.freepik.com/free-photo/side-view-mannequin-receiving-fake-news-inside-head_12225944.htm”>Image by freepik</a>

    Adam, Maya, MD. Stanford Medicine. “Imposter Syndrome: You’re Not Alone.” Video. Retrieved on 5/7/2025 from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7D-0nuFFEh4

    Cleveland Clinic.”Imposter Syndrome May Be Holding You Back.” Retrieved 1/9/2025 from https://health.clevelandclinic.org/a-psychologist-explains-how-to-deal-with-imposter-syndrome

    Cox, Elizabeth. “What is imposter syndrome and how you can combat it?” video. 8/28/2022. Retrieved on 6/30/2025 from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZQUxL4Jm1Lo

    Cuncic, Arlin, MA. “Is Imposter Syndrome Holding You Back from Living Your Best Life?” 9/23/2024. Retrieved on 5/7/2025 from https://www.verywellmind.com/imposter-syndrome-and-social-anxiety-disorder-4156469

    Gottlieb, Lori. “How Changing Your Story Can Change Your Life.” Video 11/22/2019. Retrieved on 6/30/2025 from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O_MQr4lHm0c

    Kolade, Sodiq. “What is Imposter Syndrome? Uncovering the Truth Behind Self-Doubt and Feeling Like a Fraud.” Brainmanager.io 10/18/2024.. Retrieved on 6/30/2025  from https://brainmanager.io/blog/emotional/what-is-imposter-syndrome

    Raypole, Crystal. “You’re Not a Fraud: How to Recognize and Overcome imposter Syndrome.” Healthline. 11/14/2024. Retrieved on 6/30/2025 from https://www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/imposter-syndrome

    Rice, Andrea. ”Imposter Syndrome: Causes, Types, and What to Do About it.” Psych Central. 1/27/2022.   Retrieved on 6/30/2025 from https://psychcentral.com/lib/impostor-syndrome

  • Does Spirituality or Religion Play a Part in Your Life?

    6/28/2025

    Have You Ever Asked Yourself, “Is there something more or bigger?”

    According to Elizabeth Scott, PhD, spirituality is a worldview that suggests a dimension to life beyond what we experience on the sensory and physical levels. It might entail religious or cultural practices and beliefs surrounding a higher being, connection with others and the world, and the pursuit of self-improvement.

    I came across a blog called Lonerwolf.com as I was researching spirituality and religion’s impact on individuals. I love the description used by blogger Aletheia Luna.

    According to Luna, there is a lot of beauty and depth in both religion and spirituality. The word “spirituality” comes from the Latin word spiritualis, which means, “breath; of the spirit; air.”  Spirituality is connected to the divine through your own personal experience. It is primarily concerned with finding, experiencing, and embodying one’s true spiritual nature. 

    On the other hand, Luna stated that religion comes from the Latin word “religionem,” which means respect for what is sacred, reverence for the gods, conscientiousness, sense of right, moral obligation. Religion is connected to the divine through someone else’s experience. Primarily concerned with believing in, following, and obeying the rules created by a certain deity or spiritual teacher.

    I have been both religious and spiritual for most of my life. I was brought up in a religious home. I grew up Roman Catholic. My mother took us to church, I was baptized, had my first communion, first confession, and at fourteen years old got confirmed in my faith after a year’s worth of religious instruction. After confirmation, I attended religious instruction less regularly. In college, I attended church on Easter and Christmas. Although my college had student religion services, I never attended.

    When I met my husband in college, we shared many views although we were not brought up in the same Christian denomination. We married in the Roman Catholic church. During the first few years of marriage, we did not attend church.

    Once first child was born, my husband and I began “church shopping.”  Our oldest child was six months old when we found a small Episcopal church that fits the needs of our family. We attended church as a family when our sons were younger. As the children got older, my husband and I took turns serving in volunteer roles. As our family needs changed after our older son entered college, I eventually changed churches to be closer to home.

    As I have gotten older, I am seeking ways to express personal spirituality more than taking part in church regularly. Up until a year ago and through COVID, I served in church roles from organizing church fair to leading an arts ministry for six years. This led to personal burn-out. I stepped away for a bit, attending less frequently, and turning down volunteer roles.

    I realized that my spirituality as a younger person was so tied into my religion, I knew that I needed to step back, and I am finding new ways to express my spirituality through creative art time, listening to music, and reading. I have come to learn that although there may be overlaps, religion and spirituality are not the same.

    Spirituality is not just about religious belief, but rather about connecting with something outside of yourself that brings meaning and connection to your life. It may include breathwork, service to others, spending time in nature, wrote Scott.

    According to Psychology Today, spirituality means different things to different people. For some, it is a belief in God and active participation in organized religion. Yet for others, it is about non-religious experiences that help them contact their spiritual selves.

    Spirituality is not a single path or belief. Not everyone experiences spirituality in the same way. Spirituality is diverse than the individuals who practice it. As I have done research on various topics for this blog, I have been introduced to various forms of spirituality and expression that I would like to further explore. What interests me is that many individuals identify themselves as spiritual not religious.

    Some characteristics of spirituality are:

    • Asking deep questions about life, suffering, death, etc.
    • Deepening connections with others
    • Experiencing compassion and empathy for others
    • Experiencing feelings of interconnectedness
    • Feelings of awe and wonder
    • Seeking happiness beyond material possessions or external rewards
    • Seeking meaning and purpose
    • Wanting to make the world a better place.

    Spiritual individuals may express their spirituality in different ways that may include:

    • Breathwork, meditation or quiet time
    • New age spirituality
    • Prayer
    • Service to the local community
    • Spending time in nature
    • Attending Spiritual retreats
    • Practicing yoga
    • Practicing spirituality through religious traditions

    What is the difference between spirituality and religion?

    Spirituality:

    • Can be practiced by the individual.
    • Does not have to adhere to specific set of rules.
    • Focuses on personal journey of what is the meaning of life.

    Religion:

    • Often practiced in a community
    • Usually based on specific set of rules and customs
    • Often focused on the belief in deities or gods, religious texts, and traditions

    Research findings have found positive benefits of spirituality. Spirituality and religious practices can lower anxiety, depression, and substance abuse. It can lead to greater happiness and improved well-being, and life satisfaction. Studies have confirmed that people connected to spiritual practice or tradition tend to be more resilient. When individuals participate in spiritual and religious practices, they broaden their social network.

    Research has found that an instinct toward spirituality appears to be ingrained in humans. Even religious skeptics cannot stifle the sense that there is something greater than the physical world that we see in our daily lives.

    Andy Tix, PhD, is a psychologist of religion and spirituality. Tix has been studying religion and spirituality for the last thirty years. He recently wrote that people experience spirituality in diverse ways, both within and beyond religion. Spirituality can involve God, nature, humanity, the self, questioning, or longing.

    Psychologist of religion and spirituality Ken Pargament defines spirituality as the search for the sacred. What are the sacred asks, Tix.

    In a 2015 study conducted by Daryl Van Tongreren and his colleagues, people differ in their perceptions of what is sacred. The findings of the study led to defining five primary sources of spirituality.

    • Theistic Spirituality:  The sacred is found or some kind of higher power. Practiced in longstanding religious traditions, rituals, and communities of faith.
    • Nature spirituality:  Sacred is rooted in a deep connection of the natural world. It involves awe and reverence for the earth and its beauty.
    • Human spirituality:  Some find spirituality in a sense of humanity shared with others. It may be experienced while working on behalf of societal peace or justice.
    • Transcendent spirituality:  This is a little more difficult to describe. It involves a personal connection with something that feels beyond words, something that is vaster or mysterious.
    • Self-spirituality:  This is a more inward experience of spirituality. Self can be a source of spirituality when there is a sense of genuineness, congruence, or wholeness felt. Spirituality with the sense of simply being you, undivided and authentic. Being true to yourself.

    According to Dan Bates, PhD, multiple studies have established meaningful connections between faith practices and improved mental health outcomes. Religious and spiritual practices benefit psychological health through several pathways including helping people make meaning of life and find purpose.

    Luna expressed the difference between spirituality and religion in this way:

    “Modern spirituality puts a great emphasis on our personal connection with God/Life/Spirit. We are encouraged to find the truth within ourselves. Religion, on the other hand, puts emphasis on humbling ourselves to a Divinity that is usually seen as outside of ourselves.”

    I leave you with this quote:

    “At any moment, you have a choice, that either leads you closer to your spirit or further away from it.” Thich Nhat Hanh

    Resources:

    Image retrieved on 6/28/2025 from <a href=”https://www.freepik.com/free-vector/hand-drawn-style-energy-healing-hands_9923889.htm”>Image by freepik</a>

    Bates, PhD, Dan. “The Psychological Benefits of Spirituality. How faith frameworks can help you manage life’s challenges and stress.” Psychologytoday.com 3/21/2025.Retrieved on 6/27/2025 from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/mental-health-nerd/202503/the-psychological-benefits-of-spirituality

    Luna, Aletheia. “Spirituality vs Religion: 11 Differences (with pros and cons list).” Lonerwolf.com 4/17/2024. Retrieved on Retrieved on 6/26/2025 from https://lonerwolf.com/spirituality-vs-religion/

    Psychology Today Staff. “Spirituality.” Psychologytoday.com Retrieved on 6/27/2025 from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/spirituality

    Scott, PhD, Elizabeth. “How Spirituality Can Benefit Your Health and Well-Being: Finding balance in and connection with something bigger.” Verywellmind.com 10/20/2024. Retrieved on 6/27/2025 from

    Tix, PhD, Andy. “7 Ways People Experience Spirituality. Spirituality is not one-size fits all. You may be more spiritual than you know.” Psychologytoday.com 6/17/2025. Retrieved on 6/27/2025 from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-pursuit-of-peace/202506/7-ways-people-experience-spirituality

  • Self-Talk Matters

    June 7, 2025

    Psychology Today defines self-talk as the internal dialogues or conversations that individuals have with themselves in their minds. It can be conscious thoughts or unconscious beliefs and biases, providing a way for the brain to interpret and process daily experiences. 

    Think about what you have said to yourself today. Was it kind and helpful? Was it critical? How did you feel afterwards? Would you say to another person what you say to yourself?

    I would not dare say some of the things to a friend or family friend that I tell myself. It would be so hurtful, mean, and rude. Yet, I cannot seem to stop the negative and hurtful self-talk that towards myself. I have struggled for many years. I am actively working with my counselor to help me eliminate the negative self-talk. It is not easy and very challenging.

    Self-talk is your inner voice. We do self-talk naturally each day, according to Healthline.com. Fortunately, people are becoming more aware that positive self-talk is a powerful tool to increase your self-confidence, wrote York, adding, those who master positive self-talk are thought to be more confident, motivated, and productive.

    According to Healthdirect, an Australian health website, self-talk matters. It has a significant impact on how you feel, what you do, and even how you manage pain.

    This is how self-talk affects you:

    • Negative self-talk is when you are overly critical of yourself, focusing on the bad.
    • Your self-talk affects your mental health and how you face each day.
    • You can stop negative self-talk by being aware of it and by challenging and replacing those thoughts with positive ones.
    • Positive self-talk can improve your well-being and lower depression and anxiety.

    “Your thoughts are the source of your emotions and mood. The conversations you have with yourself can be destructive or beneficial. They influence how you feel about yourself and you respond to events in your life,” wrote Susan York.

    Here are some effects of self-talk:

    • Shapes self-perception and self-identity.
    • Influences our emotions and mood.
    • Affects our self-confidence and self-esteem.
    • Guides behavior and decision-making.
    • Alters perceptions of stress and adversity.
    • It influences motivation and goal attainment.

    It is more than content. Language that we use with ourselves that matters. Researchers have found it is not just what you say to yourself, it is also the language that you use to say it.

    According to a 2014 scientific report, researchers described how the language we use in self-talk matters. Do not refer to yourself in the first person like “I” or “me.”  Use third person pronouns in self-talk as it can help you step back and think more objectively about your response and emotions.

    For example, instead saying “I am anxious,” start telling yourself, “she is anxious.”  This shift can help you detach from emotion and think more objectively. Studies, like the one published in Scientific Reports have shown the benefits of using third person pronouns. Another suggestion is to use your name with the second person pronoun, “you can do this, Paula.”

    A retired endurance athlete and science writer, Christopher Bergland stated that during times of distress or when you’re reminiscing about painful experiences from your past, talking to yourself in the third person — by using non-first-person pronouns or your own name — can help you stay calm, cool, and collected.

    According to Positive Psychology.com, our patterns of self-talk are often negative. People focus on the pre-conceived ideas that they are not good enough or they are a failure, or they cannot do anything right. The human brain is hardwired to remember negative experiences over positive ones. So, individuals will recall the times that they did not get something quite right over the times that they did. Then those thoughts ruminate in the mind.

    On the other hand, positive self-talk uses encouraging and affirming language which can help build confidence and improve emotional well-being. Benefits of positive self-talk include:

    • Helps reduce stress.
    • Helps boost confidence and resilience.
    • Helps build better relationships.

    Ethan Kross is a psychologist at the University of Michigan. He studies how people use pronouns inside their minds in their self-talk. Those that use “I” in their mental dialogue, May say something like this: “oh my God, how can take on this speech with so little time to prepare.”

    Whereas, people who used their own names in their dialogue were more likely to give themselves support and advice. “Ethan, you got this, you have done speeches before.” Study participants sounded more rational, and less emotional. They were able to distance themselves from their emotions.

    Banishing your critic, noted by Jan Roberts, will not be easy. It makes more effort to do so for some. It is worthwhile, as it can better yourself and improve your sense of self-worth.

    Here are a few suggestions to make changes to your self-talk:

    • Identify self-talk traps. Some situations may cause us to resort to negative self-talk than others.
    • Utilize positive affirmations. Use little notes, post-its with positive expressions. This can impact your mindset.
    • Check in with your emotions regularly. Positive self-talk takes effort as we are so attuned to negative self-talk.
    • Create boundaries. Think about the people in your life. Some people may not bring out the best in us. Focus on surrounding yourself with people who talk positively about you and encourage you.

    I will end this blog with this quote:

    “Words matter. And the words that matter most are the ones you say to yourself.”― David Taylor-Klaus

    Resources:

    Image Retrieved on 5/30/2025 from <a href=”https://www.freepik.com/free-photo/arrangement-optimism-concept-elements_12558668.htm”>Image by freepik</a>

    Bergland, Christopher. ‘Self-Talk Using Third-Person Pronouns Hacks Your Vagus Nerve.” 5/23/2017. Retrieved on 5/30/2025 from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-athletes-way/201705/self-talk-using-third-person-pronouns-hacks-your-vagus-nerve.

    Bergland, Christopher. “Silent Third Person Self-Talk Facilitates Emotion Regulation.” 7/28/2017. Retrieved on 5/30/2025 from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-athletes-way/201707/silent-third-person-self-talk-facilitates-emotion-regulation

    Mead, BSc, Elaine. “What is Positive Self-Talk?” 9/26/2019. Retrieved on 5/30/2025 from https://positivepsychology.com/positive-self-talk/#:~:text=Positive%20Self%2DTalk%3A%20’I,to%20get%20the%20work%20done.

    Roberts, Jan. “What do you say when you talk to yourself?.” 5/5/2021. Retrieved on 5/30/2025 from https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/what-do-you-say-when-talk-yourself-jan-robberts/.

    “Self-Talk.” Retrieved on 4/23/2025 from https://psychology.tips/self-talk/

    “Self-Talk-what is it and why is it important.” Retrieved on 4/23/2025 from https://www.healthdirect.gov.au/self-talk

    Starecheski, Laura. Changing Lives for Women: “Why Saying is Believing-The Science of Self-Talk.” 10/7/2014. Morning Edition. NPR. Retrieved on 5/30/2025 from https://www.npr.org/sections/health-shots/2014/10/07/353292408/why-saying-is-believing-the-science-of-self-talk

    York, Susan. “What are the Benefits of Self-Talk?”  Healthline.com. 12/19/2016. Retrieved on 5/30/2025 from https://www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/self-talk

  • There is a Need to Be Kind and Compassionate to Yourself

    5/6/2025

    Do you see yourself as kind and compassionate? Do you extend that to yourself?

    I must admit over the years, I thought of myself as not good enough. I internalized what I saw as a shortcoming. I developed a strong bias against myself. It was not just what I physically saw, I disliked or criticized my actions or lack of actions. My anxiety increased. Back in 2018, I named my anxiety as “Annie.” Annie has been the meanest bully I have ever faced. As I have gotten older, what was unacceptable to me or seen as problems and flaws are now less intrusive. I still battle with “Annie” anxiety. Yet now, Annie wins fewer fights.

    If I want a true, straight forward answer, I ask my husband. He may not sugar coat it. In fairness, he is kinder to me than I am to myself. I have learned over the years, then when I am mean and critical to myself, he is my biggest defender. He is ready to battle “Annie” himself. I have told him, this is a battle that I must fight on my own, if he is in my corner between rounds. I will feel stronger.

    Self-criticism distorts our awareness of who we really are. Comparison games make things worse and not better. It causes us to doubt our abilities, increases our anxiety, then our self-esteem takes a nosedive.

    How do we feel better? Research done by Kristin Neff, Ph.D. has shown that self-compassion and kindness is particularly important. In the early 200’s, Kristin Neff’s research and publications on self-compassion became popular. The concept of self-compassion gained ground within the field of psychology.

    What is self-compassion? It is treating yourself with the same kindness and understanding that you would offer a friend in tough times, by acknowledging pain, setbacks, and actively paying attention to your emotions without hard judgment of yourself wrote Neff. Neff outlines three key components of self-compassion: self-kindness, common humanity, and mindfulness.

    • Self-kindness v. self-judgment: Self-compassion entails being warm and understanding toward ourselves when we suffer, fail, or feel inadequate, rather than ignoring our pain or flagging ourselves with self-criticism.
    • Common humanity v. isolation: self-compassion involves recognizing that suffering and personal inadequacy is part of the shared human experience – something that we all go through rather than being something that happens to “me” alone.
    • Mindfulness v. over-identification: Self-compassion also requires taking a balanced approach to our negative emotions so that feelings are neither suppressed nor exaggerated. The goal is to use mindfulness to observe thoughts and feelings as they are without trying to suppress or deny them.

    As Neff points out, we cannot ignore our pain and feel compassion for it at the same time. Self-compassion is not a new concept. Buddhism’s core value of importance is compassion. It was Neff’s introduction to Buddhism during her Ph.D. dissertation process that led her to start researching self-compassion.

     In Buddhism, compassion, often translated as karuna (Sanskrit) or karuna (Pali), is a core concept, representing a strong wish for others to be free from suffering and to experience happiness, rooted in the interconnectedness and equality of all beings. 

    “By feeling compassion for others, our own suffering becomes manageable,” His Holiness the Dalai Lama has written in his teachings on compassion. This practice of cultivating compassion is not limited to Buddhist practitioners — it is seen as a universal quality that can be developed by anyone.

    There is a relentless pursuit of being above average to feel good about ourselves, wrote Neff in her book, Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself.

    “If you are continually judging and criticizing yourself while trying to be kind to others, you are drawing artificial boundaries and distinctions that only lead to feelings of separation and isolation, “wrote Neff.

    Neff’s work has made a significant impact and led to further research and awareness of self-compassion. She co-created a mindful self-compassion program with Chris Germer, as well as a new type of therapy called Compassion Focused Therapy (CFT) which has gained popularity in recent years in addressing mental health difficulties.

    As part of the mindful self-compassion program that she co-created Neff has outlined the pillars of self-compassion: mindfulness, common humanity, self-kindness, and reaching out for support.

    Practicing self-compassion can reduce negative self-talk and improve emotional resilience and well-being wrote Psychologist Catherine Moore.

    In a study led by Hiroki Hirano, researchers highlighted the following:

    • Higher self-esteem and self-compassion were associated with greater affect. Higher self-esteem and self-compassion were linked to lower negative effects and stress.
    • Higher self-esteem and self-compassion were related to greater use of adaptive coping.
    • The utility of self-esteem and self-compassion varied across cultures.

    Writer Elaine Mead points out that People are often good at demonstrating compassion for others, but not so much for the self. Self-compassion can be an incredibly tricky process to fully adopt. Where mindfulness can feel like self-care, self-compassion can often be mixed up with feelings of self-indulgence.”

    I work on being kinder and more compassionate to myself. I ask you to do the same. I will end with this:

     “You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.” – Buddha

    Resources:

    Image retrieved on 5/6/2025 from <a href=”https://www.freepik.com/free-vector/flat-design-compliment-illustration_38729151.htm”>Image by freepik</a>

    Germer, Chris. “Loving Kindness for Ourselves.” Guided mindfulness (20 minutes in length). Retrieved on 4/7/2025 from https://chrisgermer.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/01/Loving-KindnessforOurselves20.41ckgamplified12-14-14.mp3

    Hirano, Hiroki, Keiko Ishii, and Maaya Sato. “Exploring the Influence of self-esteem and self-compassion on daily psychological health: Insights from the experience sampling method.” Retrieved on 5/4/2025 from https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0191886925001023#:~:text=Specifically%2C%20individuals%20high%20in%20self,on%20daily%20stress%20management%20strategies.

    “What is Compassion?” Lionsroar.com Retrieved on 4/7/2025 from https://www.lionsroar.com/buddhism/compassion-karuna/

    Mead, Elaine, BSc. “What is Mindful Self-Compassion?” Positive Psychology.com 6/1/2019. Retrieved on 4/7/2025 from https://positivepsychology.com/mindful-self-compassion/#:~:text=Research%20Connecting%20Mindfulness%20and%20Self%2DCompassion&text=Key%20studies%20connecting%20mindfulness%20and,1%2Dyear%20follow%2Dups

    Moore, Catherine, MBA. “How to Practice Self-Compassion: 8 Techniques and Tips.” 6/2/2019. Retrieved on 4/16/2025 from How to Practice Self-Compassion: 8 Techniques and Tips

    Neff, Ph.D., Kristin. Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself. William Morrow. New York, NY. ©2011

    Neff, Ph.D., Kristin. Self-Compassion.org. Retrieved on 5/3/2025 from https://self-compassion.org/what-is-self-compassion/

  • Being Nice is Different from Being Kind

    4/23/2025

    Contrary to popular opinion, kindness is not synonymous with niceness. Those words often are interchanged, or their meanings are meshed. While both involve positive interactions with others, kindness is understood to be a deeper, more genuine expression of care and concern, while niceness is more about being polite and agreeable. 

    Kindness is defined by Oxford Dictionary as the quality of being friendly, generous, and considerate. Synonyms for kindness are affection, altruism, benevolence, cordiality, graciousness, unselfishness. A person that is motivated to be kind is rooted in empathy, compassion, and a genuine desire to help others. 

    “Kindness means recognizing the full humanity of another person,” wrote author Arthur Dobrin, DSW.

    On the other hand, the Oxford Dictionary defines niceness as a person who has a pleasant manner, is agreeable, and good natured. Niceness has also been defined as having a courteous manner that respects social usage. Some synonyms for niceness are friendliness, charm, amiability, affability, and decency. A person who is motivated to be nice is often driven by social expectations, a desire to be liked, or a fear of causing discomfort. 

    Writer Hannah Braim wrote that empathy is the ability to understand someone else’s situation, experience, feelings, and behaviors.  Empathy is the foundation of this concern.

    Take a moment to be kind. Taking time to help others is kindness. For example, you can give up a seat on the bus, train, or subway. You pay for someone’s coffee. You can create a card and send it to a relative, telling them you are thinking of them. You can offer a person your time to listen to them. You can encourage others with your words and actions.

    According to Thesaurus.com, niceness is often expressed through words or gestures, while kindnessis often expressed through acts.

    How do psychologists define kindness? According to the American Psychological Association (APA), kindness is a “benevolent and helpful action intentionally directed toward another person.” The motivation behind kindness is often considered to be the desire to improve the person’s well-being — rather than to help someone to gain some type of reward or avoid punishment, according to APA.

    The core difference lies in the underlying motivations and intentions. Niceness is often a means to an end, such as gaining approval or avoiding conflict, while kindness is the end itself, driven by a genuine desire to help others.

    Being kind by helping others also helps you as a giver. Being kind improves mood and self-esteem and can give the givers a sense of purpose. It can lead to a sense of belonging and connection with others according to New Jersey City University.

    I read a story about a doctor who attended a mindfulness retreat many years ago with certain expectations. Dr. Jeffrey Brantley started doing the Loving-Kindness meditation practice of directing kindness to others. Initially, he felt an aversion to the task. He judged the instructors a bit, wondering why loving-kindness had anything to do with meditation.

    Yet, after a week, he noticed a change in himself. He learned that trying to practice mindfulness, where you let your thoughts pass through your mind without attaching judgment to them, did require kindness. Over time, he felt less judgmental, he was able to cultivate kindness, and it improved his mood, helped with anger, and helped during difficult interactions.

    Following this experience, Brantley founded and directed the Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction Program at Duke Integrative Medicine, then spent decades as a psychiatrist, specializing in meditation, including loving-kindness. Brantley realized that cultivating warmth toward others and yourself (self-compassion) has many benefits to our health.

    I am going to challenge myself to do this Loving-Kindness meditation each day. Take time to sit quietly, and as you sit, wish people well.  This includes loved ones, strangers, difficult people, and yourself. You begin each daily session thinking of others, using phrases like “may they be happy,” “may they be healthy,” and “may they find peace.”

    The Mental Health Foundation in the U.K. pointed out that by taking the time to be kind to others, we can benefit from emotional upsides. It really does are effective, especially for people who are vulnerable or struggling.

    Allan Luks, researcher, has researched the phenomenon called the “Helper’s High” over many years. Research has shown that after helping someone, the helper’s body releases endorphins. This creates a rush of elation, followed by a period of calm. Luks has found evidence that a helper can even re-experience this high just by remembering their altruistic acts – even long after they take place.

    Kindness has health benefits:

    • Kindness buffers stress
    • Kindness is good for your mental health.
    • Kindness is good for your heart.
    • Kindness increases longevity.

    “For many people,” said Dr. Brantley, especially those who beat themselves about things-the hardest person to be kind to is yourself. However, cultivating a kindness practice directly outwardly toward others, can eventually begin to direct more kindness inwardly.

    I strive to be kind. We can find a way to show kindness to others in our words and actions. Kindness can start with the individual and it can start with you and me. Research in one study stated that expressing gratitude toward someone else can be an effective way to kickstart your own kindness efforts.

    Resources:

    Image Retrieved on 4/23/2025 from <a href=”https://www.freepik.com/free-photo/volunteers-teaming-up-organize-donations-charity_21535426.htm”>Image by freepik</a>

    Braim, Hannah. “Being ‘Kind’ Isn’t the Same as Being ‘Nice’”. 1/6/2018. Medium.com Retrieved on 4/12/2025 fromhttps://medium.com/@hannahbraime/being-kind-isn-t-the-same-as-being-nice-

    Dobrin, DSW, Arthur. “Forget Niceness—Just Be Kind.” 10/1/2022.Retrieved on 4/12/2025 from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/am-i-right/202212/forget-niceness-just-be-kind

    Hirsch, Michele Lent, Jessica Migala. “All About Kindness: Definition, Health Benefits, and How to Be a Kinder Person.” Everyday Health. 12/15/2022. Retrieved on 4/18/2025 from https://www.everydayhealth.com/emotional-health/all-about-kindness/#:~:text=Another%20paper%20in%20the%20Journal,others%20when%20it%20enhances%20your

    Mental Health Foundation. “Kindness Matters Guide.” Retrieved on 4/18/2025 from https://www.mentalhealth.org.uk/explore-mental-health/kindness/kindness-matters-guide

    New Jersey City University. “How Helping Others Benefits You!” Retrieved on 4/18/2025 from https://www.njcu.edu/student-life/campus-services-resources/counseling-center/additional-resources/articles/how-helping-others-benefits-you

    Thesaurus.com “Nice Vs. Kind: A Helpful Guide to The Difference”. 5/2/2023. Retrieved on 4/12/2025 from https://www.thesaurus.com/e/grammar/nice-vs-kind/