Curious and Creative

Tag: Self-compassion

  • Perfectionism is a trap, Do not get caught

    June 21, 2025

    Perfectionism is a personality trait characterized by a relentless pursuit of flawlessness and high standards. It can manifest as self-motivation and drive to achieve success, but it often leads to anxiety and low self-worth when those standards are not met according to Psychology Today.

    Perfectionism is driven primarily by internal pressure to avoid failure or harsh judgment.

    I had given much thought to perfectionism as a fear of failure. I have a better understanding now that I have done a research into it for this blog.

    I was skimming through my book title on my shelf and came across a Brene Brown’s book that I had not yet read, I Thought It Was Me But It Isn’t. It was published in 2007. What caught my attention was the blurb on the back promoting the book. It read as follows:

    “We spend too much precious time and energy managing perceptions and creating carefully edited versions of ourselves to show to the world. There is a constant barrage of social expectations that teach us that being imperfect is synonymous with being inadequate…So we learn to hide our struggles and protect ourselves from shame, judgment, criticism, and blame by seeking safety in pretending and perfection,” wrote author Harriet Lerner, Ph.D., The Dance of Anger.

    Lerner notes Brene Brown’s book is long overdue. It highlights an important truth: our imperfections are what connect us to one another and to our humanity, adding, our vulnerabilities are not weaknesses.  They are powerful reminders to keep our hearts and minds open to the reality that we’re all in this together.

    Psychology Today states on that what makes extreme perfectionism so toxic is that while those in its grip desire success, they are most focused on avoiding failure, resulting in a negative orientation. They don’t believe in unconditional love, expecting others’ affection and approval to be dependent on a flawless performance.

    See how dangerous that can be to our self-esteem, worth, and confidence?

    What are the signs that someone is a perfectionists? According to Psychology Today and VerywellHealth.com, here are some traits:

    • They set unrealistically high expectation for themselves and others.
    • They are quick to find fault and overly critical of mistakes. They can beat themselves up for small mistakes and/or expect too much of other people.
    • They have a fear of failure.
    • They think constantly about their past failures or future goals. They often seek reassurance from others to assume themselves of their worth and aptitude.
    • Yet, some perfectionists are so afraid of receiving negative feedback that they avoid it at all costs. They can get defensive when receiving constructive criticism.
    • They shrug off compliments and forget to celebrate their success.
    • They focus only on results. They are so concerned about hitting that goal and avoiding failure. This prevents them from enjoying the process of growing and striving.
    • They look to specific people in their life for approval and validation.

    What I did not know is there are three kinds of perfectionism or domains:

    • Self-oriented: imposing an unrealistic desire to be perfect on oneself.
    • Other-oriented: imposing unrealistic standards of perfection on others.
    • Socially-prescribed: perceiving unrealistic expectations of perfection from others.

    Perfectionism is a personality trait that can be harmful if taken too far. Although it is not a mental illness itself, it is a common factor in many mental disorders such as anxiety and depression, OCD obsessive compulsive disorder, and Eating disorders.

    Interestingly, meta data studies and analysis, is showing that perfectionism has become more common over the past several decades. In a 2019 study among college students in the USA, Canada, and the United Kingdom, revealed rates of perfectionism increased significantly between 1989 and 2016.

    Dr. Elizabeth Scott, Ph.D wrote that perfection is a double-edged sword. It is the driving force behind a high achiever or it can be a liability.

    Perfectionists, like high achievers, set and work hard to achieve lofty goals. Whereas, a high achiever can be satisfied knowing they did their best and achieved a goal, a perfectionism will accept nothing less than perfection. “Almost perfect is seen as a failure,” wrote Scott.

    I found this contrast interesting, high achievers are often pulled towards their goals by a desire to achieve them. They are happy with any steps in the right direction. However, according to Scott, perfectionists tend to be pushed by a fear of anything less than a perfectly met goal.

    If perfectionism is left unchecked, according to professionals, it can affect daily life and functioning:

    • Time management
    • Relationships
    • Stress levels
    • Physical and mental health.

    In Brown’s book, I Thought It Was Just Me, she shared a story about when she was a new mom trying to work from home. She laid down her two month old daughter down for a nap before a phone interview while at home. Five minutes into the interview, the baby starts crying.  Brown is trying to mute so the interviewers do not hear the baby crying. Brown had an image of balancing being a new mom and working from home, based on a commercial. Realities of motherhood hit hard. Stress of the situation was too much. Brown took herself out of the running for the community research project. It triggered shame, as she did not want to be seen as incapable of balancing motherhood and work. She did not want to be seen as “needing help.”

    My experience with perfectionism has not been a very positive experience. When my younger son with autism was little, many environments triggered sensory overload. I felt bad for his older brother when we had to leave the book store, library, or playground because his younger brother started to act out or get upset. I felt that stare, heard the comments from other moms on the playground, in a playgroup, at the library story time, or in school at the parent teacher organization (PTO) meeting. I sensed criticism from other moms regarding my parenting ability. It made it very difficult to make friends with other moms.  

    Over the years, I have also experienced perfectionism from bosses and co-volunteers. It makes it challenging and demoralizing when you are working hard and at your best, but good is not enough.  It is particularly challenging if the volunteer leader in charge is a perfectionist. Several years back, I was ready to quit an organization that I was part of because of a volunteer leader’s style, manner, lack of flexibility, and approach. I communicated with that person, and we worked out some of the kinks. It was not the best situation, but it was good enough.

    Just remember that the quest for perfection is exhausting and relenting wrote Lerner.

    “Excellence is a value. Perfectionism is an insecurity.”— author unknown.

    Resources:

    Image retrieved on 6/21/2025 from <a href=”https://www.freepik.com/free-vector/freedom-concept-illustration_44955439.htm”>Image by storyset on Freepik</a>

    Brown, Ph.D. LMSW,  Brene. I Thought It Was Just Me (But It Isn’t): Making the Journey from “What Will People Think?” to ‘I am Enough. Avery, an imprint of Penguin Random House, NY. ©2007

    Dorwart, Laura. “Understanding Perfectionism.” Updated on 6/10/2025. Retrieved on 6/21/2025 from https://www.verywellhealth.com/perfectionism-5323816.

    Psychology Today. “Perfectionsim.”  Retrieved on 6/18/2025 from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/perfectionism?msockid=24f8ebd9437164501298fedc42c365fc

    Scott, Ph.D. Elizabeth. “Perfectionism: 10 Signs of Perfectionist Traits. When Good Enough Isn’t Good Enough.” 6/172024. Retrieved on 6/21/2025 from https://www.verywellmind.com/signs-you-may-be-a-perfectionist-3145233

  • Stop Looking Outside Yourself for Validation

    May 17, 2025

    How often do you base your self-esteem on your accomplishments, your social circle, or  your looks? How often is your self-esteem go up and down based on circumstances or moods?

    As I began researching the topic of self-esteem, I realized that, like many people, I conflated the definitions of self-esteem and self-worth.  As I delved into the topic over the last few weeks, I learned that self-esteem and self-worth are not the same.  While the two terms are related, self-esteem is more about your perception of yourself, based on external factors and achievements, while self-worth is about your inherent value as a person. I will touch upon self-esteem in this blog.   Next week, I will focus on self-worth.

    According to Wikipedia, self-esteem is confidence in one’s own worth, abilities, or morals. Self-esteem encompasses beliefs about oneself, as well as emotional states like pride, triumph, happiness, despair, etc.

    Licensed clinical mental health counselor Hailey Shafir states that self-esteem describes how you think and feel about yourself, which changes based on mood, circumstance, performance or the approval of others.

    Self-esteem involves your thoughts and feelings about yourself, plus your level of confidence, added Shafir. Self-esteem depends heavily on the outer world of people, tasks, and external information used to compare, judge and evaluate yourself.

    The concepts of self-worth and self-esteem evolved since their introduction in the 19th century. Psychologist William James introduced the concept of self-esteem when he first linked self-esteem to accomplishments and personal success. Later, psychologist Carl Rogers emphasized self-worth and argued that true self-worth comes from unconditional acceptance of oneself.

    People with low self-esteem are less confident and often have more negative thoughts  and feelings about themselves. I can relate. Self-esteem can be fragile and fluctuate as it is based on our achievements, social status, or personal traits.  

    According to an article on The Center: A Place of Hope website, there are key components of self-esteem:

    • Competence-based
    • Social-based
    • Appearance-based

    Competence-based self-esteem is linked to skills and success. When individuals excel in specific areas like academics, work, or personal projects, their self-esteem often increases. An example could be a person getting a big promotion or mastering a new skill.

    Social-based self-esteem is tied to relationships. This component of self-esteem derives from the quality of relationships with others such as friends, family, and co-workers. Positive interactions can boost a person’s self-esteem. However, social rejection or isolation can diminish it.

    Appearance-based self-esteem is influenced by physical appearance. This component of self-esteem relates to how an individual perceives their physical looks and how closely those looks align with social beauty standards. Cultural norms, social media, and media representation significantly shapes and impacts this component.

    There are also several characteristics of self-esteem:

    • Thoughts and feelings about certain traits or skills
    • Temporary boosts in confidence
    • Self-judgment and evaluation
    • Conditional and contingent upon certain standards
    • Value in the external world
    • Negative feedback and the stress that can undermine its value
    • Ego or false self reflection
    • A scarce resource that needs constant renewal

    My self-esteem was like the stock market, one day it was up and the next down. As a kid, teenager, particularly my middle school days, I was young and immature. I did not have the social skills to make a lot of friends. I was awkward and often sat alone on the school bus. My self-esteem really started on a roller coaster ride when I started seventh grade. I was quiet and shy. I was a target of bullies. I often developed stomach aches before gym class in middle school. My self-esteem was not high.

    As I entered high school, I would look at Teen and Seventeen magazines and see what I perceived to be the beautiful girls. Teen magazine hosted a teen model contest each year. I dreamed that could be me. I knew that I was not tall or beautiful to even compete. You had to be at least five foot, seven inches tall. I am five foot, four inches tall. I took ballet class, actually started on point. I quit after puberty kicked in. I was not the thin and tiny body shape that other girls were in my class. I am not sure if I could have been good. I judged my body harshly.

    Self-esteem is more judgmental than self-worth, as it is a by-product of your critical mind, which is the part that is really good at finding and fixing problems. This part of the brain is always looking for new information to use to evaluate and compare you to other people, their expectations or your own expectations, wrote Hailey Shafir.

    I am so glad that social media didn’t exist back then. I think I would have been obsessed with Instagram. Media representations and social media often create an unrealistic standard for beauty and success. My self-esteem would be caught up with it. I cannot recall who said it, don’t compare your behind the scenes life with another’s highlight reel. It is not a true comparison. This point is confirmed by other concurring resources.

    “Social media platforms, in particular, can fuel comparison and negatively impact self-esteem by showcasing curated, idealized versions of other lives,” according to the Center: A Place for Hope.

    Clinical therapists Samantha Gonzalez and Alyssa Acosta led a study at Loma Linda University Behavioral Health. They broke down the impact of social media on the self-perception and mental well-being of young individuals and the challenges that they face in maintaining their own healthy self-image in the digital age.

    “Social media platforms are flooded with meticulously curated profiles, showcasing seemingly perfect lives, flawless appearances, and ideal bodies,” Acosta says. “This constant exposure to images of seemingly perfect individuals can lead young people to develop unrealistic expectations about their own appearance and life achievements.”

    The negative impacts of social media platforms can lead to distorted representations and comparing oneself to what is online. This can lead to feelings of inadequacy, lowered self-esteem, and even body dysmorphia. Young people are fueled by the need for validation and social approval.  The number of “likes, comments, and followers,” has become a measure for self-worth.

    Social media and media representations are not the only factors impacting our self-esteem. Childhood experiences play a crucial role in shaping self-esteem. Consistent praise, encouragement, and constructive feedback can foster a healthy self-esteem. In contrast, if an individual grew up with neglect, criticism, or abuse, these factors can damage self-esteem and lead to lifelong securities. 

    Cultural and societal expectation play a role as well. Different cultures place varying levels on the importance of individual success, social standing, and physical appearance. Societal pressures of academic achievement, college choice, career choice, career achievements, social status, and beauty ideals significantly affect self-esteem.

    Self-esteem affects many areas of life: emotional health, relationships, and personal achievements. When we have a healthy self-esteem, we are more likely to take risks and pursue goals. We can be better equipped to face and handle set-backs and bounce back from failures. When we have healthy self-esteem, it can foster positive relationships and effective communication. That is a win-win in my book.

    On the other hand, low self-esteem can cause emotional instability. We may rely on external validation and this can cause emotional highs and lows. Low self-esteem may result in social withdrawal or an avoidance of social events. From my experience, low self-esteem has led to life-long social anxiety. If I go to this event, will have anyone to talk to? Will I be a “wall flower?” standing by the buffet? As someone who has experienced low self-esteem that has been persistent at points in my life, it can indeed lead to depression, generalized anxiety, and feelings of worthlessness.

    Steps to take to improve self-esteem:

    • Be kind and increase self-compassion
    • Separate what you do from who you are
    • Stop looking outside yourself for validation
    • Stop competing, start connecting
    • Develop a more positive mindset

    These steps will not be easy, however, they’ll be well worth it.

    “Wanting to be someone else is a waste of the person you are.” –Marilyn Monroe

    Resources:

    Image retrieved on 5/16/2025 from https://www.freepik.com/free-vector/high-self-esteem-illustration_10684322.htm#fromView=keyword&page=1&position=11&uuid=8de2c781-1298-4147-a9f8-39ef0349968b&query=Self+Esteem

    The Center: A Place of Hope. “Self-Worth vs. Self-Esteem: Understanding the Key Differences.” Retrieved on 5/5/2025 from Self-Worth vs. Self-Esteem: Understanding the Key Differences

    Hibbert, Christina.”Self-Esteem vs. Self-Worth: Q & A with Dr. Christian Hibbert.” Retrieved on 5/5/2025 from Self-Esteem vs. Self-Worth: Q & A w/ Dr. Christina Hibbert | Dr. Christina Hibbert

    Mong, Victor. “7 Habits Most People Don’t Realize are driven by Shame.” Medium.com. 4/1/2025. Retrieved on 5/15/2025 from https://victormong.medium.com/7-habits-most-people-dont-realize-are-driven-by-shame-66c2f41388f2

    Shafir, Hailey, LCMHCS. “Self-Worth Vs. Self-Esteem: Understanding the Differences.” Choosingtherapy.com 9/29/2023. Retrieved on 5/13/2025 from https://www.choosingtherapy.com/self-worth-vs-self-esteem/

    Smith, Molly.  “The impacts of social media on youth self-image.” 5/16/2023. Retrieved on 5/16/2025 from https://news.llu.edu/health-wellness/impacts-of-social-media-youth-self-image#

  • There is a Need to Be Kind and Compassionate to Yourself

    5/6/2025

    Do you see yourself as kind and compassionate? Do you extend that to yourself?

    I must admit over the years, I thought of myself as not good enough. I internalized what I saw as a shortcoming. I developed a strong bias against myself. It was not just what I physically saw, I disliked or criticized my actions or lack of actions. My anxiety increased. Back in 2018, I named my anxiety as “Annie.” Annie has been the meanest bully I have ever faced. As I have gotten older, what was unacceptable to me or seen as problems and flaws are now less intrusive. I still battle with “Annie” anxiety. Yet now, Annie wins fewer fights.

    If I want a true, straight forward answer, I ask my husband. He may not sugar coat it. In fairness, he is kinder to me than I am to myself. I have learned over the years, then when I am mean and critical to myself, he is my biggest defender. He is ready to battle “Annie” himself. I have told him, this is a battle that I must fight on my own, if he is in my corner between rounds. I will feel stronger.

    Self-criticism distorts our awareness of who we really are. Comparison games make things worse and not better. It causes us to doubt our abilities, increases our anxiety, then our self-esteem takes a nosedive.

    How do we feel better? Research done by Kristin Neff, Ph.D. has shown that self-compassion and kindness is particularly important. In the early 200’s, Kristin Neff’s research and publications on self-compassion became popular. The concept of self-compassion gained ground within the field of psychology.

    What is self-compassion? It is treating yourself with the same kindness and understanding that you would offer a friend in tough times, by acknowledging pain, setbacks, and actively paying attention to your emotions without hard judgment of yourself wrote Neff. Neff outlines three key components of self-compassion: self-kindness, common humanity, and mindfulness.

    • Self-kindness v. self-judgment: Self-compassion entails being warm and understanding toward ourselves when we suffer, fail, or feel inadequate, rather than ignoring our pain or flagging ourselves with self-criticism.
    • Common humanity v. isolation: self-compassion involves recognizing that suffering and personal inadequacy is part of the shared human experience – something that we all go through rather than being something that happens to “me” alone.
    • Mindfulness v. over-identification: Self-compassion also requires taking a balanced approach to our negative emotions so that feelings are neither suppressed nor exaggerated. The goal is to use mindfulness to observe thoughts and feelings as they are without trying to suppress or deny them.

    As Neff points out, we cannot ignore our pain and feel compassion for it at the same time. Self-compassion is not a new concept. Buddhism’s core value of importance is compassion. It was Neff’s introduction to Buddhism during her Ph.D. dissertation process that led her to start researching self-compassion.

     In Buddhism, compassion, often translated as karuna (Sanskrit) or karuna (Pali), is a core concept, representing a strong wish for others to be free from suffering and to experience happiness, rooted in the interconnectedness and equality of all beings. 

    “By feeling compassion for others, our own suffering becomes manageable,” His Holiness the Dalai Lama has written in his teachings on compassion. This practice of cultivating compassion is not limited to Buddhist practitioners — it is seen as a universal quality that can be developed by anyone.

    There is a relentless pursuit of being above average to feel good about ourselves, wrote Neff in her book, Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself.

    “If you are continually judging and criticizing yourself while trying to be kind to others, you are drawing artificial boundaries and distinctions that only lead to feelings of separation and isolation, “wrote Neff.

    Neff’s work has made a significant impact and led to further research and awareness of self-compassion. She co-created a mindful self-compassion program with Chris Germer, as well as a new type of therapy called Compassion Focused Therapy (CFT) which has gained popularity in recent years in addressing mental health difficulties.

    As part of the mindful self-compassion program that she co-created Neff has outlined the pillars of self-compassion: mindfulness, common humanity, self-kindness, and reaching out for support.

    Practicing self-compassion can reduce negative self-talk and improve emotional resilience and well-being wrote Psychologist Catherine Moore.

    In a study led by Hiroki Hirano, researchers highlighted the following:

    • Higher self-esteem and self-compassion were associated with greater affect. Higher self-esteem and self-compassion were linked to lower negative effects and stress.
    • Higher self-esteem and self-compassion were related to greater use of adaptive coping.
    • The utility of self-esteem and self-compassion varied across cultures.

    Writer Elaine Mead points out that People are often good at demonstrating compassion for others, but not so much for the self. Self-compassion can be an incredibly tricky process to fully adopt. Where mindfulness can feel like self-care, self-compassion can often be mixed up with feelings of self-indulgence.”

    I work on being kinder and more compassionate to myself. I ask you to do the same. I will end with this:

     “You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.” – Buddha

    Resources:

    Image retrieved on 5/6/2025 from <a href=”https://www.freepik.com/free-vector/flat-design-compliment-illustration_38729151.htm”>Image by freepik</a>

    Germer, Chris. “Loving Kindness for Ourselves.” Guided mindfulness (20 minutes in length). Retrieved on 4/7/2025 from https://chrisgermer.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/01/Loving-KindnessforOurselves20.41ckgamplified12-14-14.mp3

    Hirano, Hiroki, Keiko Ishii, and Maaya Sato. “Exploring the Influence of self-esteem and self-compassion on daily psychological health: Insights from the experience sampling method.” Retrieved on 5/4/2025 from https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0191886925001023#:~:text=Specifically%2C%20individuals%20high%20in%20self,on%20daily%20stress%20management%20strategies.

    “What is Compassion?” Lionsroar.com Retrieved on 4/7/2025 from https://www.lionsroar.com/buddhism/compassion-karuna/

    Mead, Elaine, BSc. “What is Mindful Self-Compassion?” Positive Psychology.com 6/1/2019. Retrieved on 4/7/2025 from https://positivepsychology.com/mindful-self-compassion/#:~:text=Research%20Connecting%20Mindfulness%20and%20Self%2DCompassion&text=Key%20studies%20connecting%20mindfulness%20and,1%2Dyear%20follow%2Dups

    Moore, Catherine, MBA. “How to Practice Self-Compassion: 8 Techniques and Tips.” 6/2/2019. Retrieved on 4/16/2025 from How to Practice Self-Compassion: 8 Techniques and Tips

    Neff, Ph.D., Kristin. Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself. William Morrow. New York, NY. ©2011

    Neff, Ph.D., Kristin. Self-Compassion.org. Retrieved on 5/3/2025 from https://self-compassion.org/what-is-self-compassion/