Curious and Creative

Tag: self-improvement

  • Our Brains Are Wired for Social Connection

    12/21/2025

    Over the last four weeks, I have focused on the topic of loneliness and its impact on our overall health, not just mental health. Isolation increases risks for mental and physical health issues including heart disease. As I noted, the type of connection is important.

    I have been in a crowded room with tons of people around me and felt disconnected and lonely.

    According to writer Maggie Wooll, loneliness is a state of mind that occurs when there’s a disconnect between one’s desire for human connection and their actual level of connection. In other words, it is when our longing for human relationships is unfulfilled. Our levels of cortisol, a stress hormone, go up when we feel lonely.

    Did you know that chronic stress can lead to many health issues? Recent studies have compared loneliness to smoking fifteen cigarettes per day.

    Human beings are inherently social creatures, wrote Sam Goldstein, Ph.D., an adjunct faculty member at the University of Utah School of Medicine. He added, human survival and well-being depend on social connections and meaningful relationships.

    “Anthropological studies indicate that early humans engaged in rituals, storytelling, and cooperative child-rearing—practices that strengthened social bonds and enhanced group cohesion (Tomasello, 2014). The need for social connection is so deeply ingrained in our biology that our bodies react negatively to prolonged isolation,” wrote Goldstein.

    What is human connection? According to Wooll, human connection is a deep bond that is formed between people when they feel seen and valued. During an authentic human connection, people exchange positive energy with one another and build trust.

    Have you heard of Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs? According to Maslow, food, water, safety, love, and belonging are the most important needs we must fulfill. When our needs and desire for interpersonal relationships and intimacy are met, our overall well-being improves, leading to more fulfilled life.

    There is a big benefit of social interaction, as it relieves loneliness as much as eating reduces hunger, according to a Harvard study released in March 2025. The study’s findings revealed specialized neurons in the hypothalamus that drive our desire for social interaction. Additionally, when we physically connect with others, our brain’s reward system activates.

    The hypothalamus is located at the base of the brain. It serves as the brain’s hub for regulating our basic needs. When we physically connect with others, our brains’ reward systems activate. When the reward system activates, the brain releases the “feel good” chemicals, such as serotonin, oxytocin, and dopamine. Serotonin can brighten our mood, oxytocin fosters feelings of closeness, and dopamine reinforces the idea that connecting with others is a good thing.

    The teams of researchers observed that there are two groups of neurons at play. They are encoded to different states of social behavior. One group represents the brain’s need for connection after isolation and the other group signals the brain’s response to having met that need during social interaction. When a mouse interacted with another mouse, the specialized neurons were prompted to release dopamine. Researchers noted that this like how eating reduces hunger, social interaction reduces loneliness.

    Although we have come far from social interaction with others through newer technologies, the Harvard study indicated that we need physical connection as well. Individuals are still feeling disconnected. What does it mean to feel connected? As the researchers saw in mice who physically touched another mouse after isolation, physical interaction may be key to restoring social interaction.

    In a 2015 TEDX Chelmsford presentation, Presenter Dan Foxx said, “As human beings, we have always been genetically driven to connect with other people. We are social animals, but we are poor at this skill. And we are “blind” to the obstacle which stands in our way, because the obstacle is US!”

    According to Foxx, first we need to obscure our ego’s needs.  Next, we need to learn a new way to love, to begin to authentically care for others first.  Then, we will begin to see changes in new and renewed relationships.

    In a concurring view, Molly Carroll, licensed therapist and published author, said during her TEDX Manhattan Beach presentation, “human connection lowers anxiety, depression, and suicide ideation, and how improving our connection with ourselves helps us better connect with others.”

    As people, we need to make deeper connections noted Carroll, adding, if we improve our connection with ourselves, we will then be able to connect better with others.

    Goldstein noted that there are three ways to foster connection:

    1. Prioritize face to face interactions. Meet in person. Studies have shown that face to face interactions help reduce stress and increase feelings of belonging.
    2. Engage in shared activities. Participate in group activities like volunteering, team sports, or hobby groups.
    3. Practice active listening and empathy. Show genuine interest in others. Make eye contact, respond thoughtfully.

    I know from experience that it can be hard to break out of loneliness. I know there are risks for putting yourself out there. I fear rejection. Be proactive. I strongly encourage you to reach out and set up at least one face-to-face meeting a week with someone you know or someone you would like to get to know better. Prioritize genuine, meaningful connections.

    Resources:

    Image retrieved on 12/20/2025 from <a href=”https://www.freepik.com/free-photo/arrangement-still-life-friendship-day-elements_14311777.htm

    Carroll, Molly. “The Need for Human Connection and Why it Starts with Ourselves.” Video. TEDxManhattan Beach.    Retrieved on 11/18/2025 from The need for human connection and why it starts with ourselves | Molly Carroll | TEDxManhattanBeach

    Foxx, Dan. “The Hidden Truth about Human Connection.”  Video. TEDXChelmsford. 8/20/2015. Retrieved on 11/18/2025 from The hidden truth about human connection | Dan Foxx | TEDxChelmsford

    Goldstein, Sam. “Why We Need Each Other: Building Meaningful Relationships for a Better Life.” Psychology Today. 3/17/2025. Retrieved on 11/18/2025 from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/common-sense-science/202503/why-we-need-each-other?

    Haseltin, Ph.D. William. “New Evidence That We are Wired for Connection: Connecting with others is more than something to be desired. “3/25/2025. Psychologytoday.com Retrieved on 11/18/2025 from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/best-practices-in-health/202503/new-evidence-that-were-wired-for-connection?

    Wooll, Maggie. “You Know You Need Human Connection. Here’s How to Achieve it.” 11/17/2021. Retrieved on 12/20/2025 from https://www.betterup.com/blog/human-connection

  • Hope Matters. Hope is Essential

    12/6/2025

    Are you a believer in hope, or are you cynic masquerading as a “realist?” I admit lately I spend more time in the second category than the first. My anxiety plays a big part in my view of life.

    My husband has asked me, “Why live in fear and be cynical?”

    I cannot always answer that question when I am in an anxious state. When I am anxious, anxiety hijacks my brain, locking out sensibility and logic. However, once the anxiety and panic have dissipated, logic can take reins again. I can think more clearly.

    Hope carries a lot of weight. I need to re-evaluate where I am. As I dove into research on hope, my brain locked into curiosity. Over the last few days, I have learned that hope is a stand-alone emotion that is a powerful force that makes you feel that your life matters.

    Recent research has shown that hope is more than wishful thinking and more important than happiness. If you face a difficult challenge or uncertain time, it is important to turn to hope.

    William Miller, author of the book 8 Ways to Hope, notes how important it is to hope and ways we can cultivate hope. He defines hope as a complex response, involving feeling, thought, action, vision, a life-force, and a way of seeing or being. He added, it is not a naïve approach to seeing the world, where we ignore problems and engage in “wishful thing.”

    “The essence of hope is envisioned betterment, and serves us well,” wrote Miller.  “As humans we are hardwired to dream a better future, helping us to carry on and survive.”

    University of Missouri’s Psychological Sciences research backs up this idea that hope is integral to fostering meaning in one’s life. U of M researchers. led by Megan Edwards and Laura King in the Psychological Sciences department, are showing that hope stands apart as one of the strongest positive emotions that directly fosters a sense of meaning.

    “Our research shifts the perspective on hope from merely a cognitive process related to goal attainment to recognizing it as a vital emotional experience that enriches life’s meaning,” wrote Edwards, who is now a post doctorate scholar at Duke University.  She commented that this is a new insight, and it opens new avenues for enhancing psychological well-being.

    Research included six studies of more than twenty-three hundred participants from diverse backgrounds. The teams analyzed the range of emotions, including amusement, contentment, excitement, and happiness. The findings consistently demonstrated that only hope predicted a stronger sense of meaning.

    King stated that experiencing meaning in life is crucial for about every good thing you can imagine in a person’s life. It enhances self-care in relationships, adding, it is not a rare experience as it is available to people in their everyday lives. Hope is one of the things that makes life meaningful.

    “Perceiving meaning in life can provide a sense of coherence, recognition, and comprehension in whatever is happening,” writes Miller, while “purpose in life includes a personal role in the present and future.”

    “Given the plethora of positive characteristics with which it is associated, hope might be considered a master virtue,” writes Miller. “It is a positive orientation of mind and heart toward your own future or that of the world at large.”

    Miller highlights a research study that was conducted at an in-patient alcohol treatment center, where staff was given the hopeful message that certain patients in their care were more likely to improve. After treatment was over, those patients did, indeed, have fewer drinking episodes, longer periods of abstinence, and higher rates of employment than other patients.

    But, it turns out the staff had been duped.  Those patients had no better chance of improvement than any others. Just infusing hope changed the course of treatment.

    “Seeing a possible pathway forward is both a source and a product of hope,” wrote Miller.

    Other psychologists have discovered that if you generate hopefulness, you can think about a broader range of solutions, wrote Gina Simmons Schneider, Ph.D., author of Frazzlebrain, adding that hope is healthy.

    We live in an age of cynicism and hostility where there is a deep distrust of others, including our institutions and neighbors. This can lead to feeling frazzled while dampening attitudes of cooperation or collaboration. It also can shut down healthy hopefulness. It can be scary and challenging when then faced with self-critical thoughts. Yet hope can open the door.

    Schneider wrote that when hope is generated you can provide yourself with comfort and encouragement. Talk to yourself as if you were caring for a close friend using phrases such as “may I be peaceful; may I live with ease.” These phrases can help aim your mind in a soothing direction.

    I encourage you to lean toward hope as hope can be contagious. As Rodielon, staff writer for earth.com, wrote, hope is a lifeline.

    “Hope is being able to see that there is light despite all of the darkness.”—Desmond Tutu.

    Resources:

    Image retrieved on 12/4/2025 from <a href=”https://www.freepik.com/free-photo/top-view-hop-word-made-with-scrabble-letters-against-black-background_4341855.htm

    Putol, Rodielon. “Experts identify the simple emotion that gives life meaning – and it’s not happiness.” 6/23/2025. Earth.com. Retrieved on 12/4/2025 from https://www.earth.com/news/experts-identify-the-simple-emotion-that-gives-life-meaning-and-its-not-happiness/

    Ras, Bonnie Riva, deputy editor. “Why Hope is More Important Than Happiness.” 7/12/2025. Retrieved on 12/3/2025 from https://www.goodnet.org/articles/hope-more-important-than-happiness

    Schneider, Ph.D., Gina Simmons. “Easy Ways to Generate Hope. Hopefulness is Healthy and can be Learned.” Retrieved on 12/4/2024 from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/frazzlebrain/202411/easy-ways-to-generate-hope?

    Stann, Eric. University of Missouri. “Hope may be more important to your well-being than happiness.” 6/27/2025. Retrieved on 12/3/2025 from https://www.futurity.org/hope-well-being-3285112/

    Suttie, Psy.D, Jill. “Eight Ways You Can Feel More Hopeful-Even in Dark Times.” 8/21/2024. Retrieved 12/4/2025 from https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/eight_ways_you_can_feel_more_hopeful_even_in_dark_times

  • Dare to Be Bold, Don’t Hold Back

    9/22/2025

    How often do you look back in your life and ask “if only” I had taken a chance? I have. I lacked confidence as a young person; I doubted my writing and speaking abilities. I feared rejection. Instead of testing myself, I held back. I played it safely. After I married and had my kids, I sought jobs with flexibility for my family life. The jobs paid the bills but did not always challenge me.

    The “If only” regrets can be difficult to have. Regret is a negative emotion, and it can make us feel worse. The emotions can feel raw. Over the last couple of posts, I have written about regret and the core regrets as defined by social scientist Daniel Pink, author of Power of Regret.

    The focus of this post is the Boldness Regret. Pink defines this regret as we play it too safe and are left wondering what could have been. Examples include “If only I’d asked that girl out.”, “If only I’d taken that trip before I had children.”, “If only I’d started that business.”. Boldness regrets arise from the failure to take full advantage of opportunities as a springboard into a potentially more fulfilled life.

    As part of a large study, Pink and colleagues set up a website called “The World Regret Survey.”  As part of the survey, they asked, “How often do you look back in your life and wish you had done something differently?” And they found 83 percent of the population saying they do that, at least occasionally. It verifies how common this emotion is, especially when we do not label it with that toxic word of “regret.”

    According to this study by Pink, there is a profound demographic difference of age related to types of regret. When people are young—say, in their 20s—they have equal numbers of regrets for action (what they did) and regrets for inaction (what they did not do). But as people age into their thirties and certainly 40s, 50s, 60s, 70s, the inaction regrets take over. Inaction regrets are, in general, about twice as prevalent as action regrets. As we get older, what really sticks with us are the regrets about what we did not do.

    Deborah Gutfreund is an OCD and trauma therapist. Gutfreund wrote that we can learn from the bold regrets by taking a chance in the future, grab that opportunity to travel, take a class, or ask someone for coffee. Adding, the research reveals that we are more likely to regret what we did not do than what we try, even if it was not a success.

    Work-Life performance expert Donna Davis wrote that both regret and disappointment arise when an outcome is not what you wanted, counted on, or thought would happen; but, with disappointment, you often believe the outcome was outside of your control. With so with regret—you believe the outcome was caused by your own decisions or actions. In other words, it is your fault.

    The “no regrets” ethos is a strong one, however, Pink points out that this is a dangerous outlook. Adding regret is a marker of a healthy and maturing mind.

    Rabbi Effram Goldberg stated no regrets does not mean living with courage, it means living without reflection.

    After personal reflection, we can use regret in a positive way to transform our lives.

    “You decide every day who you will and will not be. Be bold in your decision but remember, choose wisely.” Joel Brown

    Resources:

    Image retrieved on 9/17/2025 from https://www.freepik.com/free-photo/i-cant-message-card-being-cut-with-scissor_10424096.htm

    Davis, Paula. “The 4 Major Kinds of Regret” Psychology Today. 2/2022.Retrieved on 9/9/2025 from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/pressure-proof/202202/the-4-major-kinds-of-regret?msockid

    Gutfreund, Deborah. “The 4 Regrets to Transform Your Life.” 10/2024. Aish.com. Retrieved on 9/9/2025 from https://aish.com/the-4-regrets-to-transform-your-life/

    Jones, Emily Williams. “The 4 Types of Regret (A How They Affect Us.” Psychology for Mental Health. Retrieved on 8/30/2025 from https://psychologyfor.com/the-4-types-of-regret-and-how-they-affect-us/

    Mautz, Scott. “On the 4 Core Regrets, a Big Lesson Learned, and More.” “Lead on!” Issue #98: 3/29/2023. Retrieved on 8/24/2025 from https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/issue-98-4-core-regrets-big-lesson-learned-more-scott-mautz/

    Pink, Daniel H. The Power of Regret: How Looking Backward Moves Us Forward. Random House Large Print. ©2022

    Pink, Daniel H. “Around the World, People have the same 4 regrets.” Retrieved on 8/24/2025 from https://www.linkedin.com/posts/danielpink_around-the-world-people-have-the-same-4-regrets-activity-7237095775535538176-6Zf9/

    Pink, Daniel H. “Will We Actually See it? Daniel Pink On the Power of Regret.”                                           Retrieved on 8/25/2025 from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m45eymlraJs

    Tuhin, Muhammad. “The Neuroscience of Regret: Why it Haunts Us.” 6/23/2025. Retrieved on 8/25/2025 from https://www.sciencenewstoday.org/the-neuroscience-of-regret-why-it-haunts-us

    Wattier, Linda.” 4 Types of Regret and How to Leverage Them for a More Fulfilling Life.” Tiny Buddha. Retrieved on 8/30/2025 from https://tinybuddha.com/blog/4-types-of-regret-and-how-to-leverage-them-for-a-more-fulfilling-life/

    Wright, Josh. “What is the Power of Regret? A Conversation with Daniel Pink.” Behavioral Scientist. 12/13/2022. Retrieved on 8/24/2025 from https://behavioralscientist.org/what-is-the-power-of-regret-a-conversation-with-daniel-pink/

  • Regret Can Steer Us in a New Direction

    9/3/2025

    “No regrets.” This is a philosophy that many people claim for life. Some even have it tattooed onto their bodies.

     Yet, author Daniel H.  Pink says that regret is a fundamental part of being human. Regret hurts but also instructs. We cannot have one without the other.

    Muhammad Tuhin wrote that it is crucial to understand that regret isn’t just sadness in disguise. It’s a distinct emotion, with its own signature, triggers, and consequences. Added, Regret is tied to agency—the sense that we had control, and we failed. It is tinged with “what ifs” and “if onlys.” It isn’t just about loss; it’s about the belief that loss could have been avoided.

    In Pink’s book The Power of Regret, Pink shares the results of two extensive research projects he conducted. He worked with a small team of survey research experts that designed and carried out the largest quantitative analysis of American attitudes about regret ever conducted called The American Regret Project. Pink also launched a website, the World Regret Survey (worldregretsurvey.com), that has now collected more than 26,000 regrets from people in 134 countries.

    In addition, Pink highlighted the research from psychology, neuroscience, economics, and biology to challenge the widely held assumptions about human emotions and behaviors.

    There are four core regrets written in Pink’s book, Power of Regret:

    1. Foundation regrets: Many of our education, finance, and health regrets are expressions of the same core regret: our failure to be responsible, conscientious, or prudent. Our lives require some basic level of stability. Yet sometimes our individual choices undermine this long-term need.
    2. Boldness regrets: One of the most robust findings in the academic research, and my own, is that over time, we are much more likely to regret the chances we didn’t take than the chances we did. What haunts us is the inaction itself.
    1. Moral regrets: Most of us want to be good people. Yet we often face choices that tempt us to take the low road. When we behave poorly, or compromise our belief in our own goodness, regret can build and then persist.
    2. Connection regrets: Our actions give our lives direction. But other people give those lives purpose. A massive number of human regrets stem from our failure to recognize and honor this principle.

    Pink shared that positive emotions are incredibly important and that they should outnumber our negative emotions but we need some negative emotions because they instruct us. A prominent negative emotion is regret.

    Person Coach Linda Wattier wrote that regret is a unique emotion because it stems from our agency. It’s not something imposed upon us; rather, it arises from choices we made or opportunities we missed.

    In explaining the neuroscience of regret, Tuhin wrote that our brains our master storytellers. It doesn’t just record reality, it edits, reshapes, and replays it. Nowhere is this more evident than in the neural architecture of regret.

    At the center of this process is the orbitofrontal cortex, or OFC, for short. It is the region just above the eyes that is deeply involved in decision-making and evaluation. It helps our brains weigh choices, predict outcomes, and compare actual results with imagined ones. If you experience regret, the OFC does not just analyze what happened, it actively constructs what could have happened. It imagines an alternate path and then evaluates the emotional consequence of not taking it.

    Tuhin wrote that functional MRI studies have shown that the OFC becomes highly active when people are asked to reflect on poor choices or missed opportunities. When the loss is someone else’s the OFC does not light up as much. However, when the fault lies with you, the lights of the OFC shine brightly.

    Regrets are tough. I have a few regrets: If only I had more confidence or learned how to become more confident. I do not think that I would have passed on opportunities or been timid in job interviews. I wish I had joined Toastmasters sooner right after college. As I noted in past posts, I regret being such a bully to myself, knocking myself down.

    Tuhin added that regret is not purely logical. It can carry a very big emotional load: guilt, disappointment, shame, longing. These emotions are orchestrated by a small, almond shaped structure deep in our brain, called the amygdala. The amygdala is regret’s emotional partner.

    You probably didn’t imagine so much was doing on inside of our brains, most likely we are emotionally focused on the result, whether it was we wanted, planned, or not.  The negative emotional toll can be quite hefty.

    In his article, Tuhin shared an example, “Let’s say you remember breaking up with someone who truly loved you. Your OFC might reconstruct a version of life where you stayed together and found happiness. Your amygdala will attach emotional significance to that alternate memory, making it feel real, even though it never actually happened… the collaboration between the OFC and the amygdala creates the vivid, haunting quality of regret. So, our brains may not just think about an alternative or better outcome-it feels it, deeply wrote Tuhin.

    In a culture that promotes relentless positivity and a “no regrets” philosophy, Wattier has learned that negative emotions have their place in a fulfilling life.

    Throughout the month of September, I am going to write about each of the four core regrets. I will dive a little deeper into the core regrets and share examples.

    “Regret can show you what is good in life.” – Daniel H. Pink

    Resources:

    Image retrieved 8/26/2025 from https://www.freepik.com/free-vector/lonely-girl-suffering-from-depression_7732643.htm#fromView=image_search_similar&page=1&position=0&uuid=1234e4d3-b9cc-490f-9290-d3cab4032b53&query=regret

    Jones, Emily Williams. “The 4 Types of Regret (An How They Affect Us.” Psychology for Mental Health.  Retrieved on 8/30/2025 from https://psychologyfor.com/the-4-types-of-regret-and-how-they-affect-us/

    Mautz, Scott. “On the 4 Core Regrets, a Big Lesson Learned, and More.” “Lead on!” Issue #98: 3/29/2023. Retrieved on 8/24/2025 from https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/issue-98-4-core-regrets-big-lesson-learned-more-scott-mautz/

    Pink, Daniel H. The Power of Regret: How Looking Backward Moves Us Forward. Random House Large Print. ©2022

    Pink, Daniel H. “Around the World, People have the same 4 regrets.” Retrieved on 8/24/2025 from https://www.linkedin.com/posts/danielpink_around-the-world-people-have-the-same-4-regrets-activity-7237095775535538176-6Zf9/

    Pink, Daniel H. “Will We Actually See it? Daniel Pink On the Power of Regret.”                                           Retrieved on 8/25/2025 from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m45eymlraJs

    Tuhin, Muhammad. “The Neuroscience of Regret: Why it Haunts Us.” 6/23/2025. Retrieved on 8/25/2025 from https://www.sciencenewstoday.org/the-neuroscience-of-regret-why-it-haunts-us

    Wattier, Linda.” 4 Types of Regret and How to Leverage Them for a More Fulfilling Life.” Tiny Buddha. Retrieved on 8/30/2025 from https://tinybuddha.com/blog/4-types-of-regret-and-how-to-leverage-them-for-a-more-fulfilling-life/

    Wright, Josh. “What is the Power of Regret? A Conversation with Daniel Pink.” Behavioral Scientist. 12/13/2022. Retrieved on 8/24/2025 from https://behavioralscientist.org/what-is-the-power-of-regret-a-conversation-with-daniel-pink/

  • It’s Time to Explore Your Purpose

    August 1, 2025

    I realized after writing my blog on Finding Your Purpose, that topic was too broad for one post. I continued my research; I came across other information that could help you find your purpose.

    The New York Times did a study that showed only twenty-five percent of people know their life’s purpose. People are wandering through life unsure why they are here on this earth.

    What is the purpose? A blog on calm.com described purpose as an invisible compass that guides us through life, leading us to fulfillment and meaning. A strong sense of purpose can motivate us to reach our potential. It is an individual journey. Purpose is not a fixed entity, but evolves and changes as we grow, learn, and experience life.

    I was watching a video by Jay Shetty the other day about finding your purpose. Many of us feel pressure to find our purpose in our twenties, but many successful people find their stride later.

    There is not one clear way to find purpose, stated Jay Shetty, however, there are four parts:

    1. Pain –  Many found their true purpose through pain. These people experienced such pain in early life, that they so want to help others to get through it. Perhaps you wish no one else must go through that.
    2. Potential  –  Skills, mindsets, abilities that we have but not yet aware of it. Process of sampling. Try a new skill each week. All the game of odds. Allow yourself to fail, make mistakes.
    3. Problem on the planet  –   A Challenge that pulls you to solve. Outside problem or pain.
    4. Platform  –  In order to have an impact, any experience can be used as a platform to serve others.

    “Your unique niche is in discovering the purpose of your life, developing yourself for that purpose and then deploying yourself in that purpose,” noted Myron Golden.

    According to Calm.com’s blog, our quest for purpose is deeply embedded in our psychological and emotional fabric. A life lived with purpose is one that’s enriched with happiness, motivation, and mental wellbeing. It helps us find meaning in everyday life, bringing fulfillment and contentment.

    Where does one start? In a TEDx talk in 2023, Tyler Cerny shares three powerful questions to ask yourself.

    1. Whom am I called to serve? This question helps you switch from you to who. Think about who you can help and serve. When called to serve, think about someone that you can relate to and possible share a similar experience.
    2. What problem am I called to solve? Start with someone that you like to work with. What problems do they have? What problems did you have in your life that you solved?
    3. How am I called to solve this problem?

    Cerny noted in his TEDx talk to start with the “who” and the validate with why. Write a purpose statement. Then ask yourself why are you doing this? Do you enjoy doing it? Do you have peace when you are doing it?

    Finding your purpose is challenging as it is not just about who you are but what you want to become. Finding our purpose is different for each person.

    According to the Paramporul Foundation, one of the first steps in finding your purpose is finding on what you value deeply. Identify your core beliefs and passions, these will serve as the foundation for a meaningful life. Identify your unique talents and strengths. What naturally comes to you. Consider and connect to causes that resonate with you. Find ways to engage in these causes.

    Embrace new experiences. It can be scary to do so, but it will be good for you. Practice gratitude. Set time aside each day to reflect on the positive moments or experiences. Not only is gratitude good for the soul, it will help you identify what is truly important to you. In my next blog post, I will share the importance of shedding parts of self that no longer help us but might even hold us back. I found this to be key for me as I find my purpose.

    “Remember, our passion is for you. Your Purpose is for others. When you use your passion in service of others it becomes your purpose,” stated Jay Shetty

    Resources:

    Image. Retrieved on 7/30/2025 from https://www.freepik.com/free-photo/hiker-looking-compass_4150014.htm

    Calm.com “How to Find Purpose and Discover Your Path in Life.” Blog.calm.com Retrieved on 7/28/2025 from https://blog.calm.com/blog/how-to-find-purpose

    Cerny, Tyler. “Finding Your Life’s Purpose Instantly with 3 Powerful Questions.” TEDxJCU

    Video. 5/23/2023. Retrieved on 7/25/2025 from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vzo2wMWa9GQ&t=5s

    Paramporul Foundation. “10 Ways to Find Your Purpose in Life.” 10/29/2024 Retrieved on 7/30/2025 from https://www.paramporulfoundation.com/how-to-find-your-purpose-in-life/.

    Shetty, Jay. (video) “Finding Your Life’s Purpose by Doing this one Thing.” Retrieved on 7/24/2025 from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aNAZZVVLzAA&t=2s

    Retrieved on 7/24/2025 from https://www.youtube.com/shorts/b_VePQpQEbU

  • Do You Feel Like a Fraud?

    July 12, 2025

    Do you feel like a fraud? Do you ask yourself, what I am doing here? Do you feel you don’t belong, although you have the education, experience, and credentials?

    The imposter syndrome is a form of self doubt and a false belief that you are not capable and confident as others perceive you to be. Yet, these feelings of inadequacy are unfounded. The term imposter syndrome or complex was first coined by Pauline Clance, PhD and Suzanne Imes.

    Mental health counselor Emma Giordana stated that people with imposter syndrome have difficulty internalizing their success and instead attribute their success to external factors like luck.

    Imposter syndrome is not officially recognized in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, 5th edition, but many people identify with it, particularly those who live with depression and anxiety.

    Giordana stated that those who experience with the feeling of fraudulence tend to devalue their efforts, skills, and accomplishments.

    Those who experience imposter syndrome tend to be high achievers with diverse educational backgrounds and a fair amount of professional experience, yet they often feel being inadequate and have self doubt.

    Everyone can experience a lack of confidence from time to time. So how is imposter syndrome different?

    Those who live with imposter syndrome may have:

    *A dependence on external validation

    *A fear of not living up to expectations of self and of others.

    *Overworked and strive for over achievement

    *Self-sabotage before attempting new things.

    These characteristics will vary depending on the individual’s experience, circumstance, background, and personality traits. A person with imposter syndrome may experience depression, high levels of distress, guilt, shame, and perhaps other maladaptive behaviors.

    Research has shown that imposter syndrome may be linked to certain mental health disorders such as social anxiety disorder, or attention hyper activity disorder. Additionally, some professional environments or workaplaces may foster those feelings of imposter syndrome. Some work environments may be unsupportive, unhealthy, overly critical, exploitive, and leads to low morale.

    Early research explored how imposter syndrome occurred among accomplished and successful women. A 2019 research study found that women are more likely to experience imposter syndrome than men. However, later research has since found imposter syndrome can affect anyone.

    According to the article “You’re Not a Fraud,” imposter feelings represent a conflict between self-perception and how others perceive you. You may fear or believe you don’t deserve to be in your position. You may even feel that doubt even when others praise your talents.

    Individuals experiencing imposter syndrome may try to put in more work to make up for that feeling. They also continue to be in distress. Even further, accomplishments gives no reassurance. Individuals may exhibit self-consciousness, low self-esteem, anxiety  or depression.

    Interestingly, those with imposter syndrome with accomplishments link to chance yet take the blame for any mistakes that they make even minor errors as signs of lack of intelligence and ability. Over time, it becomes a vicious cycle of anxiety, depression, and guilt.

    Top Imposter Syndrome researcher Dr. Valerie Young, author of The Secret Thoughts of Successful Women: Why Capable People Suffer from the Impostor Syndrome and How to Thrive in Spite of It outlines the five types of imposter syndrome in her book.

    • Perfectionist- person that focuses on how things are done, demand perfection in every facet of life.
    • Natural genius-person that spent life picking up new skills with little effort. There is a belief that one could understand new material right away. Yet if something doesn’t come easily or fail on first attempt, the individual may feel shame or embarrassment.
    • Rugged individual/soloist- person who believes that they can handle everything by themselves. If they cannot achieve success independently then they consider themselves unworthy. Asking for help means failure. The individual who is a soloist has high standards and if not achieved by self, they are admitting inadequacies, and showing failure.
    • The expert-  person who learned everything they can on a topic. They spend so much time seeking information that you have to devote lost time to your main task. The individual also believes that they should have all answers or seen as a fraud or failure when they can’t answer the question.
    • Superhero-Person that links personal competence to succeed in every role that they take on. If they fail to navigate the demands of those roles means that they are inadequate. They push themselves to the limit expending as much energy as possible to every role. They may think that they need to do more.

    There is no single source that causes imposter syndrome. It could include the way that you grew up, parental or guardian expectations to do well in school, comparison to siblings, being controlling or overprotective. It may be the parent or guardian emphasized natural intelligence and sharply criticized mistakes that were made.

    The feeling of feeling less than can worsen over time and it can reinforce the feeling of not belonging in the current environment, place, or situation. However, imposter syndrome can be overcome state various mental health professionals.

    • Acknowledge the feelings that you do have.
    • Talk with a trusted friend or mentor about your distress
    • Define and share your feelings about imposter syndrome as it can help you overcome them.
    • Support yourself and others, open up about your feelings.
    • Build connections. Connect with friends, co-workers, and peers. Build a support network.
    • Remember you cannot achieve everything by yourself. Validate your strengths.
    • Encourage your own efforts.
    • Challenge your doubts. Are there facts to support those feelings? Instead look for evidence to counter the negative beliefs of that you are a fraud or you aren’t enough.
    • Don’t compare yourself to others.
    • Push forward. Take risks. Begin believing in yourself in spite of self- doubt.

    According to Psychotherapist and TED speaker Lori Gottlieb, stories help you make sense of life but when those narratives are incomplete or misleading, they can keep you stuck instead of providing clarity.

    Hannah Owens, LMSW, commented that imposter syndrome affects internal feelings about work or self-worth, but also how you approach projects, relationships, and any other area where you feel unsure.

    As I noted earlier, imposter syndrome can affect anyone, no matter social status, work background, skill level or expertise level.

    “Impostor syndrome is a paradox: Others believe in you – you don’t believe in yourself. Yet you believe in yourself instead of them. If you doubt yourself, shouldn’t you also doubt your judgment of yourself?” —Adam Grant, author

    Resources:

    Image from Freepik.com Retrieved on 7/9/2025 from <a href=”https://www.freepik.com/free-photo/side-view-mannequin-receiving-fake-news-inside-head_12225944.htm”>Image by freepik</a>

    Adam, Maya, MD. Stanford Medicine. “Imposter Syndrome: You’re Not Alone.” Video. Retrieved on 5/7/2025 from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7D-0nuFFEh4

    Cleveland Clinic.”Imposter Syndrome May Be Holding You Back.” Retrieved 1/9/2025 from https://health.clevelandclinic.org/a-psychologist-explains-how-to-deal-with-imposter-syndrome

    Cox, Elizabeth. “What is imposter syndrome and how you can combat it?” video. 8/28/2022. Retrieved on 6/30/2025 from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZQUxL4Jm1Lo

    Cuncic, Arlin, MA. “Is Imposter Syndrome Holding You Back from Living Your Best Life?” 9/23/2024. Retrieved on 5/7/2025 from https://www.verywellmind.com/imposter-syndrome-and-social-anxiety-disorder-4156469

    Gottlieb, Lori. “How Changing Your Story Can Change Your Life.” Video 11/22/2019. Retrieved on 6/30/2025 from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O_MQr4lHm0c

    Kolade, Sodiq. “What is Imposter Syndrome? Uncovering the Truth Behind Self-Doubt and Feeling Like a Fraud.” Brainmanager.io 10/18/2024.. Retrieved on 6/30/2025  from https://brainmanager.io/blog/emotional/what-is-imposter-syndrome

    Raypole, Crystal. “You’re Not a Fraud: How to Recognize and Overcome imposter Syndrome.” Healthline. 11/14/2024. Retrieved on 6/30/2025 from https://www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/imposter-syndrome

    Rice, Andrea. ”Imposter Syndrome: Causes, Types, and What to Do About it.” Psych Central. 1/27/2022.   Retrieved on 6/30/2025 from https://psychcentral.com/lib/impostor-syndrome

  • Perfectionism is a trap, Do not get caught

    June 21, 2025

    Perfectionism is a personality trait characterized by a relentless pursuit of flawlessness and high standards. It can manifest as self-motivation and drive to achieve success, but it often leads to anxiety and low self-worth when those standards are not met according to Psychology Today.

    Perfectionism is driven primarily by internal pressure to avoid failure or harsh judgment.

    I had given much thought to perfectionism as a fear of failure. I have a better understanding now that I have done a research into it for this blog.

    I was skimming through my book title on my shelf and came across a Brene Brown’s book that I had not yet read, I Thought It Was Me But It Isn’t. It was published in 2007. What caught my attention was the blurb on the back promoting the book. It read as follows:

    “We spend too much precious time and energy managing perceptions and creating carefully edited versions of ourselves to show to the world. There is a constant barrage of social expectations that teach us that being imperfect is synonymous with being inadequate…So we learn to hide our struggles and protect ourselves from shame, judgment, criticism, and blame by seeking safety in pretending and perfection,” wrote author Harriet Lerner, Ph.D., The Dance of Anger.

    Lerner notes Brene Brown’s book is long overdue. It highlights an important truth: our imperfections are what connect us to one another and to our humanity, adding, our vulnerabilities are not weaknesses.  They are powerful reminders to keep our hearts and minds open to the reality that we’re all in this together.

    Psychology Today states on that what makes extreme perfectionism so toxic is that while those in its grip desire success, they are most focused on avoiding failure, resulting in a negative orientation. They don’t believe in unconditional love, expecting others’ affection and approval to be dependent on a flawless performance.

    See how dangerous that can be to our self-esteem, worth, and confidence?

    What are the signs that someone is a perfectionists? According to Psychology Today and VerywellHealth.com, here are some traits:

    • They set unrealistically high expectation for themselves and others.
    • They are quick to find fault and overly critical of mistakes. They can beat themselves up for small mistakes and/or expect too much of other people.
    • They have a fear of failure.
    • They think constantly about their past failures or future goals. They often seek reassurance from others to assume themselves of their worth and aptitude.
    • Yet, some perfectionists are so afraid of receiving negative feedback that they avoid it at all costs. They can get defensive when receiving constructive criticism.
    • They shrug off compliments and forget to celebrate their success.
    • They focus only on results. They are so concerned about hitting that goal and avoiding failure. This prevents them from enjoying the process of growing and striving.
    • They look to specific people in their life for approval and validation.

    What I did not know is there are three kinds of perfectionism or domains:

    • Self-oriented: imposing an unrealistic desire to be perfect on oneself.
    • Other-oriented: imposing unrealistic standards of perfection on others.
    • Socially-prescribed: perceiving unrealistic expectations of perfection from others.

    Perfectionism is a personality trait that can be harmful if taken too far. Although it is not a mental illness itself, it is a common factor in many mental disorders such as anxiety and depression, OCD obsessive compulsive disorder, and Eating disorders.

    Interestingly, meta data studies and analysis, is showing that perfectionism has become more common over the past several decades. In a 2019 study among college students in the USA, Canada, and the United Kingdom, revealed rates of perfectionism increased significantly between 1989 and 2016.

    Dr. Elizabeth Scott, Ph.D wrote that perfection is a double-edged sword. It is the driving force behind a high achiever or it can be a liability.

    Perfectionists, like high achievers, set and work hard to achieve lofty goals. Whereas, a high achiever can be satisfied knowing they did their best and achieved a goal, a perfectionism will accept nothing less than perfection. “Almost perfect is seen as a failure,” wrote Scott.

    I found this contrast interesting, high achievers are often pulled towards their goals by a desire to achieve them. They are happy with any steps in the right direction. However, according to Scott, perfectionists tend to be pushed by a fear of anything less than a perfectly met goal.

    If perfectionism is left unchecked, according to professionals, it can affect daily life and functioning:

    • Time management
    • Relationships
    • Stress levels
    • Physical and mental health.

    In Brown’s book, I Thought It Was Just Me, she shared a story about when she was a new mom trying to work from home. She laid down her two month old daughter down for a nap before a phone interview while at home. Five minutes into the interview, the baby starts crying.  Brown is trying to mute so the interviewers do not hear the baby crying. Brown had an image of balancing being a new mom and working from home, based on a commercial. Realities of motherhood hit hard. Stress of the situation was too much. Brown took herself out of the running for the community research project. It triggered shame, as she did not want to be seen as incapable of balancing motherhood and work. She did not want to be seen as “needing help.”

    My experience with perfectionism has not been a very positive experience. When my younger son with autism was little, many environments triggered sensory overload. I felt bad for his older brother when we had to leave the book store, library, or playground because his younger brother started to act out or get upset. I felt that stare, heard the comments from other moms on the playground, in a playgroup, at the library story time, or in school at the parent teacher organization (PTO) meeting. I sensed criticism from other moms regarding my parenting ability. It made it very difficult to make friends with other moms.  

    Over the years, I have also experienced perfectionism from bosses and co-volunteers. It makes it challenging and demoralizing when you are working hard and at your best, but good is not enough.  It is particularly challenging if the volunteer leader in charge is a perfectionist. Several years back, I was ready to quit an organization that I was part of because of a volunteer leader’s style, manner, lack of flexibility, and approach. I communicated with that person, and we worked out some of the kinks. It was not the best situation, but it was good enough.

    Just remember that the quest for perfection is exhausting and relenting wrote Lerner.

    “Excellence is a value. Perfectionism is an insecurity.”— author unknown.

    Resources:

    Image retrieved on 6/21/2025 from <a href=”https://www.freepik.com/free-vector/freedom-concept-illustration_44955439.htm”>Image by storyset on Freepik</a>

    Brown, Ph.D. LMSW,  Brene. I Thought It Was Just Me (But It Isn’t): Making the Journey from “What Will People Think?” to ‘I am Enough. Avery, an imprint of Penguin Random House, NY. ©2007

    Dorwart, Laura. “Understanding Perfectionism.” Updated on 6/10/2025. Retrieved on 6/21/2025 from https://www.verywellhealth.com/perfectionism-5323816.

    Psychology Today. “Perfectionsim.”  Retrieved on 6/18/2025 from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/perfectionism?msockid=24f8ebd9437164501298fedc42c365fc

    Scott, Ph.D. Elizabeth. “Perfectionism: 10 Signs of Perfectionist Traits. When Good Enough Isn’t Good Enough.” 6/172024. Retrieved on 6/21/2025 from https://www.verywellmind.com/signs-you-may-be-a-perfectionist-3145233

  • Embrace You as a Work in Progress

    June 14, 2025

    Do you accept yourself? It is not an easy thing to do. For some of us, it is damn difficult.

    What is self-acceptance? Self-acceptance is the act of acknowledging and embracing both your strengths and weaknesses without judgment, leading to a more positive and fulfilling self-image. It involves recognizing your imperfections and making peace with them, as well as celebrating your unique qualities and accomplishments. 

    Building self-acceptance is a skill, stated Stephanie Lemek. Added, if you cannot practice self-acceptance, you are limiting your ability to be self-aware and grow into the best version of yourself.

    I have learned quite a bit about myself since starting this blog. Through my research , I have gained an education. I am now practicing ways to increase my self-esteem, increase my self-awareness, and build my self-worth. Thanks to taking on this blog nearly six months ago, I have become more confident and revived a love of writing, something that I had ignored. I had to remind myself that writing is one of my strengths.

    However, I admit that full self-acceptance has been a bit more elusive. As I worked to improve in several areas, good nutrition and exercise have not been a priority of mine, and I feel it in my body. I have been in better shape in the past. I have taken better care of my body. My body has changed due to the physical changes brought on by perimenopause and now menopause. My mind and perspective have changed, yet accepting all of me, my body as it is now, is a very big hurdle.

    “Embracing your life means being true to yourself, not living by someone else’s rules or expectations,” wrote author and journalist John-Manuel Andriote. He added, embracing your life means being willing to stand out, to take risks, and to receive disapproval or rejection of your choices.

    The author and podcaster Jay Shetty once said, “The reason we struggle to accept ourselves is because we think that means I must think ‘it’s my fault.’ When it becomes my fault now, I become depressed by that idea. It’s disempowering. It brings me down. Whereas, when you say, ‘Well it’s not my fault, but it is my responsibility.’ That’s empowering. It gives you a sense of choice, and direction, and design.”

    Last week, I wrote about self-talk and the importance of what language that we use to describe ourselves. I admit, I have asked myself, “why did you let yourself go like this?”  My answers would be harsh and mean. I am accepting me as I am now. Instead, I ask in what way am I strong and attractive. Focusing on the positive does not mean ignoring the not so pleasant physical features, yet it is empowering to move forward toward better care of my body. Body shaming is not the answer, as it is disempowering and discouraging.  It’s best to handle one step at a time.

    Stephanie Lemek stated, “this doesn’t mean you won’t change; we all change, of course, and our self-acceptance will flex with those changes. It may be helpful to think of self-acceptance as acceptance of yourself now, as you are an acceptance of who you can become.”

    Author and podcaster Jordan Lee Dooley wrote in her book Own Your Everyday, it is important to focus on who you are and not what you do. She believes that we need to know who we are before we can figure out what as individuals we are meant to do.

    Here are a few ways to start:

    Know yourself.

    • Understand your values, beliefs and personality.
    • Identify what you like and love about yourself.
    • Stop the comparison game. No good really comes from comparing yourself to others, particularly what you see on social media.

    Be True to yourself. Live True to Yourself.

    • How do you want to live your life?
    • Don’t conform or try to fit a mold that does not suit you.
    • Express yourself freely. Speak your mind, act authentically, let yourself shine.
    • Embrace your differences. What is unique about you?

    Love and accept yourself.

    • Take charge of your life. Make choices that align with your values.
    • Show up for yourself. Keep promises to yourself. Be responsible for your own happiness and well-being.
    • Embrace your journey. There will be smooth waters, rough currents, storms, and sunshine.

    According to Bessel van der Kolk, MD., author of The Body Keeps the Score., “Neuroscience research shows that the only way we can change the way we feel is by becoming aware of our inner experience and learning to befriend what is going inside ourselves.”

    Self-awareness is a tool for personal growth and development, wrote van der Kolk.

    “There is freedom in being yourself,” noted Blogger Nike Trimble.

    I used to think that accepting who “I am” meant settling or being stuck in the present. I perceived that meant leaving no room to grow or improve. “I am what I am; I am not changing.”  I was wrong. I have experienced the opposite. Accepting who I am now, I am aware of my strengths, weaknesses, passions, areas for improvement, and areas to experiment. It is a starting point, not an ending one. I am a work in progress.

    Lemek pointed out in her article that there is a misconception of self-acceptance, that once you accept yourself, you don’t have anything to work on or grow. She wrote that it is not true. Self-acceptance is not about achieving perfection. Rather, self-acceptance gives us the power to better understand where we are and work to improve without judgment for not being perfect.

    Brene Brown said, “how much we know ourselves is extremely important but how we treat ourselves is the most important.”

    Resources:

    Image retrieved on 6/14/2025 from https://www.freepik.com/free-vector/young-woman-standing-front-mirror-motivate-confident-you-can-it-vector-illustration_10108732.htm#fromView=search&page=1&position=8&uuid=0fa582d6-61bf-44b0-aa87-4a244840ba0b&query=self+acceptance

    Andriote, John-Manuel. “What It Means to Embrace Life and the Path You Choose.” 1/22/2022. Retrieved on 6/11/2025 from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/stonewall-strong/202201/what-it-means-to-embrace-your-life-and-the-path-you-chose

    Bernock, Danielle. “Why It’s Hard to Embrace Who You Are and What to Do.” Retrieved on 6/11/2025 from https://www.daniellebernock.com/why-its-hard-to-embrace-who-you-are-and-what-to-do/

    Brach, Tara. Radical Self-Acceptance.

    Dooley, Jordan Lee. Own Your Every Day: Overcome the Pressure to Prove and Show Up for What You Were Made to Do. Waterbook, an imprint of Crown Publishing. New York, New York. ©2019.

    Lemek Stephanie. “Self-Acceptance-the Missing Key to Your Personal Health, Growth & Development.” Retrieved on 6/7/2025 from https://medium.com/hlwf-healthcare-healthtech-lifesciences-wellness/self-acceptance-the-missing-key-to-your-personal-growth-development-bbbb19122c5b

    Shetty, Jay. “Self-Acceptance” video short. 8/4/2022. Retrieved on 6/7/2025 from

    Trimble, Nika. “Embracing Who You Are.” 7/30/2021. Medium. Retrieved on 6/11/2025 from https://medium.com/know-thyself-heal-thyself/embracing-who-you-are-d70d3146e567.

    Van de Kolk, MD, Bessel. The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma. Penguin Books. ©2015

  • Self-Talk Matters

    June 7, 2025

    Psychology Today defines self-talk as the internal dialogues or conversations that individuals have with themselves in their minds. It can be conscious thoughts or unconscious beliefs and biases, providing a way for the brain to interpret and process daily experiences. 

    Think about what you have said to yourself today. Was it kind and helpful? Was it critical? How did you feel afterwards? Would you say to another person what you say to yourself?

    I would not dare say some of the things to a friend or family friend that I tell myself. It would be so hurtful, mean, and rude. Yet, I cannot seem to stop the negative and hurtful self-talk that towards myself. I have struggled for many years. I am actively working with my counselor to help me eliminate the negative self-talk. It is not easy and very challenging.

    Self-talk is your inner voice. We do self-talk naturally each day, according to Healthline.com. Fortunately, people are becoming more aware that positive self-talk is a powerful tool to increase your self-confidence, wrote York, adding, those who master positive self-talk are thought to be more confident, motivated, and productive.

    According to Healthdirect, an Australian health website, self-talk matters. It has a significant impact on how you feel, what you do, and even how you manage pain.

    This is how self-talk affects you:

    • Negative self-talk is when you are overly critical of yourself, focusing on the bad.
    • Your self-talk affects your mental health and how you face each day.
    • You can stop negative self-talk by being aware of it and by challenging and replacing those thoughts with positive ones.
    • Positive self-talk can improve your well-being and lower depression and anxiety.

    “Your thoughts are the source of your emotions and mood. The conversations you have with yourself can be destructive or beneficial. They influence how you feel about yourself and you respond to events in your life,” wrote Susan York.

    Here are some effects of self-talk:

    • Shapes self-perception and self-identity.
    • Influences our emotions and mood.
    • Affects our self-confidence and self-esteem.
    • Guides behavior and decision-making.
    • Alters perceptions of stress and adversity.
    • It influences motivation and goal attainment.

    It is more than content. Language that we use with ourselves that matters. Researchers have found it is not just what you say to yourself, it is also the language that you use to say it.

    According to a 2014 scientific report, researchers described how the language we use in self-talk matters. Do not refer to yourself in the first person like “I” or “me.”  Use third person pronouns in self-talk as it can help you step back and think more objectively about your response and emotions.

    For example, instead saying “I am anxious,” start telling yourself, “she is anxious.”  This shift can help you detach from emotion and think more objectively. Studies, like the one published in Scientific Reports have shown the benefits of using third person pronouns. Another suggestion is to use your name with the second person pronoun, “you can do this, Paula.”

    A retired endurance athlete and science writer, Christopher Bergland stated that during times of distress or when you’re reminiscing about painful experiences from your past, talking to yourself in the third person — by using non-first-person pronouns or your own name — can help you stay calm, cool, and collected.

    According to Positive Psychology.com, our patterns of self-talk are often negative. People focus on the pre-conceived ideas that they are not good enough or they are a failure, or they cannot do anything right. The human brain is hardwired to remember negative experiences over positive ones. So, individuals will recall the times that they did not get something quite right over the times that they did. Then those thoughts ruminate in the mind.

    On the other hand, positive self-talk uses encouraging and affirming language which can help build confidence and improve emotional well-being. Benefits of positive self-talk include:

    • Helps reduce stress.
    • Helps boost confidence and resilience.
    • Helps build better relationships.

    Ethan Kross is a psychologist at the University of Michigan. He studies how people use pronouns inside their minds in their self-talk. Those that use “I” in their mental dialogue, May say something like this: “oh my God, how can take on this speech with so little time to prepare.”

    Whereas, people who used their own names in their dialogue were more likely to give themselves support and advice. “Ethan, you got this, you have done speeches before.” Study participants sounded more rational, and less emotional. They were able to distance themselves from their emotions.

    Banishing your critic, noted by Jan Roberts, will not be easy. It makes more effort to do so for some. It is worthwhile, as it can better yourself and improve your sense of self-worth.

    Here are a few suggestions to make changes to your self-talk:

    • Identify self-talk traps. Some situations may cause us to resort to negative self-talk than others.
    • Utilize positive affirmations. Use little notes, post-its with positive expressions. This can impact your mindset.
    • Check in with your emotions regularly. Positive self-talk takes effort as we are so attuned to negative self-talk.
    • Create boundaries. Think about the people in your life. Some people may not bring out the best in us. Focus on surrounding yourself with people who talk positively about you and encourage you.

    I will end this blog with this quote:

    “Words matter. And the words that matter most are the ones you say to yourself.”― David Taylor-Klaus

    Resources:

    Image Retrieved on 5/30/2025 from <a href=”https://www.freepik.com/free-photo/arrangement-optimism-concept-elements_12558668.htm”>Image by freepik</a>

    Bergland, Christopher. ‘Self-Talk Using Third-Person Pronouns Hacks Your Vagus Nerve.” 5/23/2017. Retrieved on 5/30/2025 from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-athletes-way/201705/self-talk-using-third-person-pronouns-hacks-your-vagus-nerve.

    Bergland, Christopher. “Silent Third Person Self-Talk Facilitates Emotion Regulation.” 7/28/2017. Retrieved on 5/30/2025 from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-athletes-way/201707/silent-third-person-self-talk-facilitates-emotion-regulation

    Mead, BSc, Elaine. “What is Positive Self-Talk?” 9/26/2019. Retrieved on 5/30/2025 from https://positivepsychology.com/positive-self-talk/#:~:text=Positive%20Self%2DTalk%3A%20’I,to%20get%20the%20work%20done.

    Roberts, Jan. “What do you say when you talk to yourself?.” 5/5/2021. Retrieved on 5/30/2025 from https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/what-do-you-say-when-talk-yourself-jan-robberts/.

    “Self-Talk.” Retrieved on 4/23/2025 from https://psychology.tips/self-talk/

    “Self-Talk-what is it and why is it important.” Retrieved on 4/23/2025 from https://www.healthdirect.gov.au/self-talk

    Starecheski, Laura. Changing Lives for Women: “Why Saying is Believing-The Science of Self-Talk.” 10/7/2014. Morning Edition. NPR. Retrieved on 5/30/2025 from https://www.npr.org/sections/health-shots/2014/10/07/353292408/why-saying-is-believing-the-science-of-self-talk

    York, Susan. “What are the Benefits of Self-Talk?”  Healthline.com. 12/19/2016. Retrieved on 5/30/2025 from https://www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/self-talk

  • What Does It Take to Create Self-Confidence?

    5/31/2025

    The American Psychological Association defines self-confidence as “a belief that one is capable of successfully meeting the demands of a task.”

    Confidence is not just a feeling, it is a state of mind, according to MentorLoop.com blogger/writer Emily Ryan.

    Psychotherapist Amy Morin stated that self-confidence can give you a general sense of trust in your ability to control your life.

    Confidence is not innate. Yet, it can be developed and nurtured over time, wrote Ryan.

    According to the Mentorink.com website, confidence is not something that may come naturally, yet it is something that can be learned and improved over time.

    In 2012, Dr. Ivan Joseph, a sports psychologist, shared his definition of self-confidence during his TEDX talk. Joseph defined confidence as the ability to believe in yourself, to accomplish any task, no matter the odds, no matter the difficulty, and no matter the adversity. Self-confidence is a skill, as it can be trained, stated Joseph.

    There is no magic pill that anyone can take to create self-confidence, noted Joseph. We expect to be self-confident, but we can’t be unless the skill or the task that we are doing is not novel or new to us.

    Morin added that cultivating and maintaining confidence is not easy, and it can be an easy thing to lose when you feel like you’ve failed or made a mistake.

    According to Dr. Joseph, self-confidence requires repetition. It is important that we are in a situation where we can tell ourselves, “Done this a thousand times.”

    We can practice. The problem with repetition is…how many of us bail after the first bit of failure? How many of us bail after the first bit of adversity?

    Practice, repetition, and persistence are key to building self-confidence. Very few of us will persist. One way to build self-confidence, get out there and do want you want to do and do not accept no. The other one is self-talk.

    Self-confidence can be tricky, at least in my experience. I have worked hard to increase my self-confidence. My confidence level has gone up and down. It has been affected when my self-esteem and self-worth have taken major hits. When things did not go right in the first few attempts, I bailed. I told myself that I did not have what it takes. I was short-sighted on so many things. I admit I gave up too soon. My lack of confidence, low self-esteem, and impatience with myself won.

    Confidence enables us to handle failure and setbacks with grace and resilience, wrote Ryan. Confident individuals recognize that failure is not a reflection of their self-worth, but rather an opportunity to learn and grow, adding, failure can go hand in hand with success. Having confidence ensures we can overcome failure faster.

    Podcast Chris Williamson hosts a podcast called, “Modern Wisdom.” Williamson said that for many years he had crippling belief that he was insufficient, as a result he lacked self-confidence. He also suffered from imposter syndrome.

    Williamson commented that if you are someone that deals with a crippling sense of insufficiency, your ability to discount any good thoughts you have in your mind is going to be so strong. If you try to lead with positivity first, “I need to think it, wish it, believe and I will achieve it,” then your set point of negativity will just crush that into the ground.

    Joseph said confidence comes from practice and success. When we do well, we feel good, and our confidence grows.

    As part of my research, self-talk impacts self-confidence. What are your thoughts and the voice in your head saying to you?

    Joseph said we all have self-talk tape that plays in our heads. There are enough people that are telling us we can’t do it and that we are not good enough. Adding, why do we want to tell ourselves that? asked Joseph.

    “No one will believe you unless you do,” said Joseph.

    Recognize and notice when you’re having negative self-talk. Work to convert those negative thoughts and words to positive ones that acknowledge the full credit that you deserve.

    Williamson shares that action is a way to build self-confidence. Stop breaking promises to yourself. If you say you are going to do something, then do it.

    “Confidence is a vital skill to acquire, regardless of where you’re starting from. Whether you’re someone who has always lacked confidence or someone who is simply looking to boost their existing levels, it’s important to remember that confidence is something that can be developed and strengthened over time,” said Ryan.

    Mentorink.com noted that building confidence doesn’t happen immediately, however, you can make some improvements with some consistent effort.

    Here are some ways to build confidence:

    • Cultivate positive self-talk. Challenge your negative thoughts.
    • Practice self-compassion. Be honest about yourself but not mean.
    • Set realistic goals. Each success builds confidence.
    • Step outside of your comfort zone.
    • Improve your competence in specific areas. Learn, practice, and repeat.
    • Seek feedback and learn from mistakes. Persist and persevere.

    What is one small thing that you can commit to doing every day to build skill and confidence?

    “What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.” ―Henry Stanley Haskins

    Resources:

    Image retrieved on 5/30/2025 from <a href=”https://www.freepik.com/free-vector/woman-empowerment-social-media-template-vector-with-woman-character-text-self-confidence-is-best-outfit_20170224.htm”>Image by rawpixel.com on Freepik</a>

    Joseph, Dr. Ivan.” The Skill of Self-confidence.” 1/12/2022. Retrieved on 5/28/2025 from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w-HYZv6HzAs

    Joseph, Dr. Ivan. “The Skill of Self-Confidence.” 8/2/2023. Retrieved on 5/29/2025 from https://castingfrontier.com/blog/the-skill-of-self-confidence/

    Mentorink.com. “Is Confidence a Skill?” 9/8/2024. Retrieved on 5/29/2025 from https://www.mentorink.com/blog/is-confidence-a-skill/#:~:text=What%20is%20Confidence?,handle%20both%20successes%20and%20setbacks.

    Morin, Amy, LCSW. “How to Be More Confident: 9 Tips That Work. Believing in yourself will take you far.” Retrieved on 5/21/2025 from https://www.verywellmind.com/how-to-boost-your-self-confidence-4163098

    Ryan, Emily. “Self-Confidence is not Personality Trait; it’s a Skill to Acquire.” 4/27/2023. Retrieved on 5/29/2025 from https://mentorloop.com/blog/self-confidence/

    University of South Florida, Counseling Center. Department of Student Success. “What is Self-Confidence?” Retrieved on 5/6/2025 fromhttps://www.usf.edu/student-affairs/counseling-center/top-concerns/what-is-self-confidence.aspx

    Williamson, Chris. “How to Build Self-Confidence.” Retrieved on 5/28/2025 from https://www.youtube.com/shorts/szKl-AQrV50