July 8, 2026

Have you noticed how you feel after you hear your self-talk? Last week, I touched upon how often during my life that I have been outright mean to myself. I have been working on changing the tone of my self-talk for years, but it takes a lot of practice to go from negative to neutral to positive. It certainly does not happen overnight. Since negative self-talk has been my default for years, it can be quite a struggle to override the negative tone and words that I use to myself.

I have slipped into a cycle of negative self-talk that I have reinforced by more negative self-talk. It is very difficult to escape that cycle.

This past Friday, I fell into a negative self-talk trap again. I oversaw ordering the anniversary cake for my parents’ surprise 60^th anniversary dinner. It was hot outside and the frosting began to melt and slip off the side of the cake. I tried to fix it. I placed it in the fridge to chill it for an hour or two. I noticed later that the cover had banged up on the side of the cake. I tried to fix it again to no avail. I was losing patience with myself and everyone around me.

When it was time to pack up the car, I tried to place the cake into the cooler, it slid from its platform and the lid came off, the cake slid into the cooler…breaking apart. It was a total disaster. I was so upset. Tears streaked my cheeks and I cursed a bloody streak.  On the way down to the anniversary party, we stopped at another grocery store to pick up a replacement cake. I was so disappointed in myself at what happened. I was embarrassed as well. I was stressed throughout the party.

Self-talk is what we do naturally. More people are becoming more aware that positive self-talk is very powerful tool to increase self-confidence and curb negative emotions, wrote Susan York Morris.

Mel Robbins stated there are ways to stop negative self-talk. The transformation begins by catching your inner critic, then choosing a better belief.

On the flip side, commented Morris, rumination happens when you replay an upsetting or cringe worthy thoughts or events repeatedly. When you begin to ruminate noted Morris, small issues tend to snowball. Constant rumination can make you more likely to experience depression or anxiety.

In the end, it really did not matter what happened to the cake. I know that now. The replacement cake was delicious. The caterer was excellent. I got time to enjoy family towards the end. But getting to that point was heart-breaking and difficult.

Counselor Dan Bates,  a.k.a. “Mental Health Nerd,” wrote that what you say to yourself, good or bad, can either build you up or tear you down.

“The content of your self-talk is important,” he adds, “because, believe it or not, you are the most influential person, in your head.”

Multi book author and professor Brene Brown at the University of Houston Graduate College calls her negative voices in her head gremlins. She wrote that giving her negative thoughts a name allows herself to step away from the negative thoughts and poke fun at them.

Troughton stated that, all too commonly, we tell ourselves that we are not good enough, mess things up, or never able to do it. When we do this, we set ourselves up for failure with such unkindness about ourselves. When we continue engaging in negative self-talk, we create a self-fulfilling prophecy that reinforces negative beliefs and behaviors.

Research has shown that learning to be kind to yourself is worth doing. Replacing negative psychological messages with positive ones can build self-esteem and confidence and may bring results that surprise you in all the right ways, wrote Walden University’s School of Psychology researchers.

Here are some tips:

Think it through. Spend a few days listening closely to inner dialog that you have in your head.

Ask:

• Am I overreacting? Is it really a big deal?  Is it important in the long run?
• Am I overgeneralizing?
• Am I concluding based on opinion or experience rather than facts?
• Am I labeling myself harshly?
• Is it an all or nothing thought?
• How truthful and accurate is this thought?

Now switch gears, learn a new approach to self-talk:

• Look back at your thoughts and reward them in a kinder way and in a more positive light.
• Replace the negativity. This takes personal intention to positively shift negative self-talk to positive self-talk. It will impact your mood, behavior, and decision making.
• Relabel your talk. Challenge yourself to think of healthy, more authentic labels. For example, instead of “screw-up” or “loser”, replace with “I am a new learner.”
• Reinterpret your truth. Do not assume your negative self-talk is true. It could be distorted.
• Reassure yourself. You can talk to yourself through any challenge-remind yourself of things you already know, your strengths, and what comforts you.
• When you hear yourself in a stressful moment and your self-talk is negative. Rescue yourself. You can make a conscious choice to talk to yourself positively. Help yourself identify what you are feeling, process those feelings, and seek help finding solutions.

“Change is Hard… But NOT Impossible,” wrote Troughton.  “Trust me, I get it… Growing up in this day and age, in this world, poses a real challenge to unleash our confidence. To be vulnerable and to accept ourselves for who we are.”

I am much better at encouraging others than myself. I am more positive to others than to myself. I fight the negative self-talk a lot. When I choose to research and write about topics like self-talk or self-confidence, it is one way that I am trying to educate myself, improve myself, and help others not to make mistakes that I have made along the way.

As I delved deeper into effective self-talk, I came across the 5 P’s for developing an effective internal dialogue:

• Personalized. Tailor self-talk to fit your specific needs, experiences, and goals.
• Practiced. Rehearse and internalize self-talk cues during training.
• Purposeful. Ensure every phrase serves a specific intention.
• Positive Phrasing. Use affirming language focused on what you should do rather than what you want to avoid.
• Position Specific. Adapt content of your self-talk to match your current situation, event, or specific demands that you are facing.

According to Shyro Health, Positive self-talk helps us approach problems a constructive attitude, believing in our ability to improve and overcome challenges. Additionally, research has shown that one of the biggest strengths of positive self-talk is its ability to reframe challenges. Our bodies face reacts with a “fight or flight” response when under stress. Research has shown that when we change how we interpret a stressful event, we can reduce our stress response.

“What are the most powerful words in the universe? The one you use to talk to yourself,” wrote Karen Salmansohn.

Be kind to you.

Resources:

Image by vectorjuice on Magnific. Image retrieved on 7/8/2026 from https://www.magnific.com/free-vector/social-change-abstract-concept-vector-illustration-human-relationships-social-justice-behavior-public-demonstration-collective-protest-shout-megaphone-change-innovation-abstract-metaphor_12468713.htm

Bates, PhD, LPCC-S, Dan. “How You Talk to Yourself Matters.” 11/11/2021. Retrieved on 7/5/2026 from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/mental-health-nerd/202111/how-you-talk-to-yourself-matters

Foroux, Darius. “Change Your Words, Change Your Life.” 6/9/2026. Retrieved on 6/28/2026 from https://dariusforoux.medium.com/change-your-words-change-your-life-41d19d7cf6ba

Furse, Jennifer. Video.“Turn OFF Negative Self-Talk with ONE PHRASE: Rewire Your Brain.” 2/20/2025. Retrieved on 5/3/2026 from https://www.youtube.com/shorts/RVNJhi4w31w

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Levoy, Gregg.” Talking Out Loud to Yourself Isn’t Weird—It’s Advantageous.”1/30/2026. Retrieved on 5/2/2026 from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/passion/202512/talking-out-loud-to-yourself-isnt-weird-its-advantageous

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Meyers, Joyce. Video. “Transform Your Mood: The Power of Self-Talk.” 7/7/2025. Retrieved on 5/3/2026 from https://www.youtube.com/shorts/IhCMbVw3yqo

Morris, Susan York. “What Are the Benefits of Self-Talk?” 12/19/2016. Retrieved on 7/5/2026 from https://www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/self-talk

Quizlet.”5 Ps of Self-Talk.” Retrieved on 7/5/2026 from https://quizlet.com/634344671/5-ps-of-self-talk-flash-cards/

Robbins, Mel. Podcast. “Stop Negative Self-Talk, Here’s How.” 6/21/2025. Retrieved on 5/3/2026 from https://www.youtube.com/shorts/tlGnmoL8dqU

Shyro Health. “How Positive Self-Talk Builds Resilience and Mental Strength.” 8/2025. Retrieved on 7/5/2026 from https://www.shyrohealth.com/resources/article/how-positive-self-talk-builds-resilience-and-mental-strength

Troughton, Cassandra. “Self-Talk: Why What We Say to Ourselves Matters.” 2/22/2023. Retrieved on 5/2/2026 from https://mindfulmisst.com/2023/02/22/self-talk-why-what-we-say-to-ourselves-matters/

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Zimmerman, Katie. “Positive Self-Talk Matters.” 4/20/2022. Retrieved on 5/2/2026 from https://thekimfoundation.org/positive-self-talk-matters/